The Deen Brothers Now Have Their Own Magazine [NOW I've Heard It All]

March 10, 2010 – 10:13 am by Jillian Madison       54 COMMENTS

Paula Deen’s sons just launched their very own food magazine, called Deen Bros Good Cooking. Don’t let the cover fool you! Even though it looks like a low budget “visit Tennessee” brochure, it’s not! It’s a food magazine, chock full o’ pictures of the Deen boys wearing polo shirts in every color imaginable. Rejoice!

The publishers and the Deen Bros are spinning it as a cooking magazine FOR MEN. We have no idea what that means, but can only assume it will include lots of grilling, fart jokes, and the occasional recipe written by Chuck Norris.

So… who’s buying it?      ……    [crickets]

Top Chef: Bastards (Part II)

March 10, 2010 – 9:07 am by Jillian Madison       14 COMMENTS

[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Welcome back to Top Chef Bastards! Today, three contestants get to pack their can openers and head back to New York’s Chelsea Market…wait…except for Rocco DiSpirito, who can go back to skulking down 22nd Street, cursing the day he met his good buddy mortal enemy former financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, opened a Restaurant together, and sealed his fate as whipping boy to foodies the world over, including this week’s guest judge, Anthony Bourdain. And of course, theminx.

After Sandra Lee pulls a surprising win in the Quickfire Challenge, the competitors realize they have to bring their “A-Game.” Even Guy leaves the flaming bowling shirt at home and breaks out the chef’s whites.

Host Kelly Choi, badly in need of a cheeseburger or three, joins the competitors in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen and presents their next challenge.

Totally Unfortunate Ace Of Cakes Episode Description

March 9, 2010 – 2:37 pm by Jillian Madison       20 COMMENTS

(Thanks for the tip, Jodie!)

Unnecessary Pringles

March 8, 2010 – 11:23 am by Jillian Madison       65 COMMENTS

2nd Annual Food Network Humor Oscar Awards

March 8, 2010 – 10:40 am by Jillian Madison       24 COMMENTS

Since the 82nd annual Academy Awards aired last night, we thought it would be appropriate to reflect on the past year and give out some awards to a few of the best and worst Food Network “stars” as well. We’re proud to present the recipients of the 2nd Annual Food Network Oscar Awards:

VIDEO: Cocktail Time With Sandra Lee

March 5, 2010 – 11:52 am by Jillian Madison       71 COMMENTS

A frame by frame dissection of Sandra Lee taking a sip of a not-so-delicious concoction of lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka. Enjoy!

THE FOOD NETWORK DRINKING GAME

March 5, 2010 – 11:40 am by Jillian Madison       80 COMMENTS

FNH proudly presents:

THE INTERNET’S LARGEST FOOD NETWORK DRINKING GAME!
“One drink” means “one sip” of whatever beverage you’re drinking. This is a work of satire, so play responsibly and have fun!

1 drink if Ina Garten is wearing her denim shirt. 2 drinks if she’s wearing her black shirt. Bonus drink if the collar is popped.

1 drink if Ina Garten is making food for a dinner party. 2 drinks if at least one of them is gay. 5 drinks if none of them are named Steven.

1 drink every time Ina asks a stupid rhetorical question (example: “How bad can that be?” or “How easy is that?”)

1 drink whenever Ina refers to any ingredient as “GOOD.”

Drink continually throughout each Ina Garten giggle session.

2 drinks every time Ina takes her Mercedes out for a spin.

1 drink if Ina uses a “secret ingredient” to bring out a recipe’s flavor. Bonus drink if she mentions “turning the volume up.”

3 drinks every time Ina mentions “chicken” and “Jeffrey” in the same sentence.

1 drink each time a song that sounds like the Weather Channel local forecast music comes on Barefoot Contessa.

1 drink whenever hydrangeas are used as a centerpiece.

1 drink if Ina “air kisses” a friend on both cheeks.

1 drink every time Giada does the claw hand movement next to her face (usually indicating “creamy” but sometimes “crunchy”).

1 drink whenever Giada pauses to smile at the camera out of nowhere.

2 drinks whenever Aunt Raffi shows up. 3 drinks if her cleavage is more visible than Giada’s.

1 drink for every lemon Giada zests.

1 drink every time Giada says “perfect!”

2 drinks every time Giada says “and thennnnnnnnn…” in that sing-songy voice.

1 drink whenever Giada over-enunciates an Italian word.

3 drinks if Giada’s husband Todd shows up looking bored out of his mind.

1 drink if there’s an up-close shot of Giada ripping open a clove of garlic.

1 drink every time Giada says something is “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “flavorful.” 1 extra drink if she uses the word “delicious” in the same sentence.”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee takes a drink.

Drink continually while Sandra Lee adds “just a little vodka” to that cocktail.

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says, “and can I just tell you . . .”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “I can not WAIT for you to try this.”

2 drinks if Sandra’s shirt is the same color as her Kitchen-Aid stand mixer.

1 drink if you can spot an actual plate on one of Sandra’s tablescapes.

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “super simple.” 2 drinks if she says the word “super” twice (”SUPER SUPER SIMPLE!”)

1 drink every time Sandra uses Cool Whip. 2 drinks if she adds extract or food coloring to it.

1 drink every time Sandra opens a seasoning packet and tells you it contains “all sorts of great flavors.”

4 drinks if Sandra’s making one of her No-Bake Love Cakes (or puts store-bought cupcakes or cookies on a store-bought cake).

VIDEO: Rachael Ray “Dancing” [And I Use That Term Loosely]

March 4, 2010 – 1:37 pm by Jillian Madison       98 COMMENTS

Last week, Rachael Ray hosted the Seven Daughters soundcheck at the South Beach Wine and Food Festival. For some ungodly reason, her husband’s band performed at the event. It appears that John’s music caused Rachael to clumsily seize and shake and thrust her pelvis in ways no mortals should ever have had to witness. Luckily, someone shot video of the event – and thanks to the internet – as many of us can be traumatized as possible.

I’m warning you: this video is not easy to watch. Few things in life are more painful to witness than the sight of Rachael Ray slithering around like a rejected Bunny Ranch employee while mouthing the chorus to an awful John Mayer song as its being bastardized by her husband.

Other than that, enjoy!

Top Chef: Bastards (Part I)

March 4, 2010 – 9:05 am by Jillian Madison       38 COMMENTS

[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Cue theme music! Roll opening credits! It’s Top Chef Bastards: Part I!
Starring:

Welcome to the first episode of Top Chef Bastards, a competition in which any loser with a television show on the Food Network can demonstrate to the world that he or she really can cook – or not – while competing for a cash donation to the charity of their choice, plus a lifetime supply of GLAD® Force-Flex® and OdorShield® Trash Bags in the yummy “Fresh Vanilla” scent.

This week, four competitors meet in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen: Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri, Sandra Lee, and Rocco DiSpirito.

Guy is one excited dude, ready to slather hot sauce on everything in sight.

This Is Why You’re Fat

March 3, 2010 – 9:18 am by Jillian Madison       63 COMMENTS

When it comes to Twitter, Alex Guarnaschelli is all about indulgence. When she’s not sending out self-indulgent messages about herself (“Saw a banner with my photo on it! Freaked me out!”), she’s sending over-indulgent messages about the taste and texture of food. Usually I just roll my eyes and scroll down the page, but this Guarnaschelli Tweet stopped me dead in my tracks:

Honestly, I don’t even think Paula Deen would have the balls to touch this one with a ten foot pole. If you’d like to try it, however, here are the steps:

Step 1: Go to store and purchase bread, cheese, mayonnaise, and butter. Get dirty looks from nutritionist standing behind you in line.

Step 2: Go home. Assemble it all into one fat, greasy mess. Consume with reckless abandon.

Step 3: Before going to doctor to pick up your cholesterol-lowering pills, swing by store to pick up larger pants.

Step 4: Twitter about it to gross everyone out.