8 (More) Food Network SAT Questions

March 16, 2010 – 3:33 pm by Jillian Madison       45 COMMENTS

1) Ina Garten has 582 items in her pantry. 426 of them are “good” items. What percentage of the ingredients are, in turn, total shit?

2) Food Network’s website has annoying pop-up ads. If you get 4 pop-ups per page, and you visit 3 pages each day for 2 days in a row, how many more days until you just say “screw it it” and start visiting Recipezaar instead? (*Bonus: It took you 14 pages to find the recipe you were looking for. How many pop-up ads did you get, and how slowly is your computer running?)

3) Brian Boitano waves his hands around in the air more than Bobby Flay, but less than Michael Chiarillo. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.

4) Charm City Cakes needs to build a 3′x5′x8′ replica of a car. If they need 1/2 pound of fondant per square foot, calculate which employee should build the cake so Duff can just keep sitting around doing nothing.

5) Rachael Ray has 63 recipes for stoup, 51 recipes for burgers, and 46 recipes for Grandpa’s “Sunday Gravy”. If she only has 151 total recipes, how many times will she have to say “yummo” or “delish” to make us forget that she has totally run out of ideas? (Written by Kathy)

6) The Neely’s are making breakfast for four people. They need 8 eggs, 10 pieces of bread and 12 sausage links. How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? (Written by Orchidgal)

7) Sara went to Target and bought a Giada de Laurentiis can opener for $14, a Giada de Laurentiis ladle for $15, and a Giada de Laurentiis coffee maker for $60. How many more dollars does Sara have to spend on Giada’s products before being labeled clinically insane?

8) Melisa d’Arabian ran out of frozen bacon, and needs to go to the store to get some. If she drives 40 mph, and the store is 20 minutes away, is Debbie Lee still Korean?

NBC Shows Starring Food Network Hosts

March 15, 2010 – 12:25 pm by Jillian Madison       73 COMMENTS

What the hell is going on over at NBC? First, they tapped Guy Fieri to host Minute To Win It (which was simply awful last night, by the way). And yesterday, news broke that Bobby Flay would be a judge on a new reality series called America’s Next Great Restaurant.

This is a disturbing trend, and we can only shudder at what future partnerships might arise between NBC and Food Network hosts. At this rate, it can’t be long before these terrifying shows become reality:

3 Things That Are Guaranteed To Happen On Every Episode Of “What Would Brian Boitano Make”

March 14, 2010 – 7:55 pm by Jillian Madison       86 COMMENTS

Since What Would Brian Boitano Make started its second season, we’ve noticed a disturbing little trend: THE EPISODES ARE VIRTUALLY IDENTICAL. It’s true. Aside from the food that’s being prepared, the same stuff keeps happening – over, and over, and over. Watching it every weekend is sort of like being in the movie Groundhog Day.

Here are the top 3 things that are guaranteed to happen on every episode of What Would Brian Boitano Make:
,

It never fails. Tune into any episode, and you’ll catch his face doing more gymnastics than Mary Lou Retton. Clearly, his mother never told him his mouth could freeze like that.

Put down the Jackie Chan DVD and back away slowly, Brian. Remember: you’re a figure skater – not an extra in the Karate Kid.

Note: this will usually occur while Brian’s hand is caked with egg and flour. Oh yeah. He’s soooooooo butch.

So what do you think, FNH? Do you like Brian Boitano’s quirkiness – or have you had enough of his dramatics?

Paula Deen Getting Her Own Line Of Serta Mattresses

March 12, 2010 – 10:20 am by Jillian Madison       111 COMMENTS

Why do I feel like I’m constantly writing about something else Paula Deen is putting her name on? Oh, wait. BECAUSE I AM. So glad we cleared that up.

Though this sounds like a headline at The Onion, sadly, it’s true: Serta will soon be rolling out a line of (sigh) PAULA DEEN MATTRESSES. Because if chefs know one thing, it’s how to get a recuperative sleep (???).

Roll the gag-worthy Paula Deen quote about the new partnership!

“You can definitely tell that these mattresses have been inspired by my life in the South and my home in Savannah, Ga.,” said Deen. “The collection is all about feeling good, comfortable and getting a good night’s sleep in one’s home. And just like my food, I send you comfort and love from my home to yours.”

That’s a lovely, carefully crafted quote and all, but I just have one question: how the hell can a mattress be inspired by the south? Is it filled with Mardi Gras beads? Is it peach-scented? Does the mattress take 7.4 seconds to say the word “OOOOOIIILLLLL”?

The line, which will cost between $799 and $1,499 for queen size, will be revealed this weekend at a furniture convention in Orlando. You hear that, Mickey Mouse? Run for your fucking life.

And hide your butter.

Celebrity Chef Dog Foods (Part 1)

March 11, 2010 – 1:02 pm by Jillian Madison       35 COMMENTS

[These celebrity chef dog foods were created and illustrated by the insanely talented 14, who blogs over at Gallery Of The Absurd. We are currently collaborating on part 2 of the series, so stay tuned!]

Rachael Ray has planted the seed of what is sure to be the next big thing for celebrity chefs. Rach’s dog food “Nutrish” is full of “real meat and veggies” with just a “dash of EVOO”. Hey, sounds better than some of the recipes for her human food!

She’s giving a portion of Nutrish sales to pet charities, so I can’t tease her too much about it. However… because celebrity chefs can’t seem to get enough of hawking books, magazines, endorsements and branded items such as condiments, kitchen bobble heads, cookware, and deep fryers, we can be fairly certain other big name chefs will announce their own brands of dog food. A sampling:

Mario Batali will offer a premium dog food “inspired” by the flavors of Italy.

Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay will further cash in on his draconian image by offering a branded premium canine cuisine aimed at aggressive breeds such as Dobermans, German Shepards and Chihuahuas.

Paula Deen just cain’t help herself y’aaaaaal. She’ll debut a dawg fewd inspired by her down home Southern cookin’ and will include such tasty vittles as Bubba’s Country Fried Steak and savory Sausage Pie.

It’s only a matter of time, you just wait and see.

[Originally blogged on Gallery Of The Absurd - May, 2008. Written by 14. Part 2 will be coming soon.]

The Deen Brothers Now Have Their Own Magazine [NOW I've Heard It All]

March 10, 2010 – 10:13 am by Jillian Madison       93 COMMENTS

Paula Deen’s sons just launched their very own food magazine, called Deen Bros Good Cooking. Don’t let the cover fool you! Even though it looks like a low budget “visit Tennessee” brochure, it’s not! It’s a food magazine, chock full o’ pictures of the Deen boys wearing polo shirts in every color imaginable. Rejoice!

The publishers and the Deen Bros are spinning it as a cooking magazine FOR MEN. We have no idea what that means, but can only assume it will include lots of grilling, fart jokes, and the occasional recipe written by Chuck Norris.

So… who’s buying it?      ……    [crickets]

Top Chef: Bastards (Part II)

March 10, 2010 – 9:07 am by Jillian Madison       17 COMMENTS

[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Welcome back to Top Chef Bastards! Today, three contestants get to pack their can openers and head back to New York’s Chelsea Market…wait…except for Rocco DiSpirito, who can go back to skulking down 22nd Street, cursing the day he met his good buddy mortal enemy former financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, opened a Restaurant together, and sealed his fate as whipping boy to foodies the world over, including this week’s guest judge, Anthony Bourdain. And of course, theminx.

After Sandra Lee pulls a surprising win in the Quickfire Challenge, the competitors realize they have to bring their “A-Game.” Even Guy leaves the flaming bowling shirt at home and breaks out the chef’s whites.

Host Kelly Choi, badly in need of a cheeseburger or three, joins the competitors in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen and presents their next challenge.

Totally Unfortunate Ace Of Cakes Episode Description

March 9, 2010 – 2:37 pm by Jillian Madison       21 COMMENTS

(Thanks for the tip, Jodie!)

Unnecessary Pringles

March 8, 2010 – 11:23 am by Jillian Madison       70 COMMENTS

2nd Annual Food Network Humor Oscar Awards

March 8, 2010 – 10:40 am by Jillian Madison       26 COMMENTS

Since the 82nd annual Academy Awards aired last night, we thought it would be appropriate to reflect on the past year and give out some awards to a few of the best and worst Food Network “stars” as well. We’re proud to present the recipients of the 2nd Annual Food Network Oscar Awards: