Giada De Laurentiis »

The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis

February 8, 2010 – 9:09 am by Jillian Madison       58 COMMENTS

ten-commandments-giada

Come, my dear children, and kneel at the heels of your rich Italian grandparents, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Giada De Laurentiis.

I. Thou shalt always… (always)… zest at least one lemon for every recipe.

II. Thou shalt always have thy’s nails perfectly manicured in light pink Opi nail polish.

III. Thou shalt describe every piece of food as being “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.”

IV. Thou shalt always annoyingly overemphasize Italian words.

V. Thou shalt reveal thy bosom in low cut, tight shirts as oft as possible (thou shalt always be mindful of television ratings).

VI. Thou shalt retract thy’s lips and expose thy’s unnaturally large teeth as oft as possible.

VII. Thou shalt roll thy’s eyes at the camera whenever Aunt Raffi isn’t looking.

VIII. Thou shalt constantly use the word “perfect” to fill uncomfortable silences on episodes of Giada At Home.

IX. Thou shalt always over-exaggerate the amount of fun thy is really having at thy’s outdoor dinner parties.

X. Thou shalt never actually swallow thy’s prepared meals.

(Be sure to add your Giada Commandments in the comments section!)




Bobby Flay »

Hair In Throwdown Food?

February 7, 2010 – 9:18 am by Jillian Madison       44 COMMENTS

I didn’t watch this week’s Vermont Brownie Company episode of Throwdown With Bobby Flay, but luckily, FNH reader Paul did.  During the plated shots of the entries at the end, the Vermont Brownie Company’s was on screen and Paul’s wife noticed what seemed to be A HAIR sticking out of the side of their brownie:

There’s really only one word that’s appropriate here, and that word is: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. I don’t like my brownies to come with built-in floss, but thanks.

If that really IS a hair, it’s awfully wiry looking. That only amplifies my concern over where it might have originated. Finding a head hair in your food is gross enough, but encountering someone else’s pube on your plate is an entirely different dimension of horrifying.

The episode airs again at 11 EST on Valentine’s Day, so you can watch it and shudder with the one you love.

(Thanks for the pics, Paul!)




Giada De Laurentiis, Letters To FNH, Reader Submitted Posts »

These Giada Photos Are So Wrong, Yet So Right

February 5, 2010 – 12:41 pm by FNH Guest Blogger       52 COMMENTS

[Photos created and submitted by FNH reader Ricardo Cline]




Guy Fieri »

Come On Down: Guy Fieri’s Stinking Up The Place On “The Price Is Right”

February 5, 2010 – 9:17 am by Jillian Madison       60 COMMENTS

guy-fieri-price-right

Earlier this week, Guy Fieri took time out of his busy goatee-bleaching schedule to present one of the final showcases on The Price Is Right. To put it mildly, HE SUCKED.

Remember the “Bend And Snap” from Legally Blonde? Guy Fieri has a signature move too, and it’s called the “Clap And Point.” He whipped it out 735 times, as he awkwardly delivered his lines and introduced the lame showcase items. He sounded like a rehearsed amateur, and came across as completely fake. Even worse, the whole scene played like the world’s most God-awful Fieri infomercial. One thing’s for sure: if he’s this bad on his new NBC game show, all of our heads might implode.

Roll the video clip:

A free dinner at JOHNNY GARLICS? Are you fucking kidding me? I hope The Price Is Right gives a pack of barfbags to the winner. They’ll probably need ‘em. And who takes a LIMO to Johnny Garlics? Seriously? That’s humiliating. That’s like landing a helicopter on the roof of Denny’s to get a free Grand Slam breakfast. If I was a contestant on the show this day, I’d cry.

Thankfully, Ricardo’s standards were much lower.

ricardo-tpir




Alton Brown, Letters To FNH »

The Story Of One Fan’s Ridiculous Alton Brown Encounter

February 3, 2010 – 9:38 am by Jillian Madison       83 COMMENTS

[Ed. note: Most of the time, celebrities are completely clueless about the hoops fans have to jump through in order to meet them. Take Ashli for example, who recently wrote to FNH to share her frustrating story of simply trying to get a book signed by Alton Brown at a BJ's in Georgia last month. According to Ashli, when she finally did meet up with Alton, he cordially spoke with her - and then referred to the female dancers on Dancing With The Stars as "skinny ass bimbos." Oh Alton. You're such a bad ass.]

Hi FNH!

Last month, I went to an Alton Brown event. I took my “Good Eats: The Early Years” book with me for him to sign, but the stupid venue wouldn’t allow me in with it because I had not purchased it there. That pissed me off, but I took it back to my car and then went back in to get in line. However, I was then stopped and told I couldn’t go talk to Alton without having a book. By this point, I was livid, but I went to the book section of the store, picked up a copy of “I’m Just Here for the Food” and went up to the counter to purchase it. Then, the lady tells me that I can’t buy it because I don’t have a membership to the store (BJ’s Wholesale Club). Anyway, at this point, I completely lost it. I was not going to pay $50 for a membership to a store I’d never visit again, plus $25 for a book, when I already had a book for him to sign in my car! I couldn’t hold back my temper anymore and I gave that lady a piece of my mind. I guess she got the message because she then pulled out her own employee membership card and scanned it just so I could get my book.

Anyway, I finally got in line to talk to Alton. There were only about 30 people standing in it at this point (apparently other people were having similar issues to what I’d been having, but they chose to leave). As I got up to Alton and his people, I could hear them apologizing to people and complaining about how the store was running this event. They were making it clear that it wasn’t Alton’s fault of course. I was the last person in line and when I got up to Alton he still had about another hour or so to sit there and sign autographs. Anyway, since no other people were there at the moment, he actually took the time to talk to me. We talked about Mark Dacascos and his stint on “Dancing with the Stars”. Alton’s been asked twice to go on there, but he told me that he “didn’t want to dance with some skinny ass bimbo” and that if he were to go on there and win, he would “lose his status as a badass!” Then after speaking with me for a few moments and posing for a picture, he said, “Now be gone with you!”

Well, I just wanted to share my ridiculous Alton Brown experience with you. I’m including pics from the event. Feel free to use them if you want.

[Ashli, we're sorry you had such an awful experience. And Alton, we're sorry you had to stand in front of that stupid plastic sign and autograph books next to the feminine hygiene aisle.]




General: Food Network »

Celebrity Chefs In Drag

February 3, 2010 – 9:01 am by Jillian Madison       24 COMMENTS

[Ed. note: last week, we asked you to head to RuPaul's Dragulator website and create photos of your favorite celebrity chefs in drag. We got over 150 hilarious pictures. These were our favorites.]




Letters To FNH »

FNH E-mail Of The Week

February 2, 2010 – 4:45 pm by Jillian Madison       38 COMMENTS

email-guy-fieri




Rachael Ray »

Rachael Ray’s WHAT-ware???

February 2, 2010 – 11:35 am by Jillian Madison       35 COMMENTS

rachael-ray-cockware

(Thanks for the tip, CineGrappler!)




General: Food Network »

Is Marcela Valladolid The Mexican Giada? (Over-Enunciate Much?)

February 2, 2010 – 9:09 am by Jillian Madison       151 COMMENTS

Everyone knows Giada loves her MAS-CAR-PON-EEEEE and SPUH-GIT-TEE. But did you know Marcela Valladolid loves her TOUR-TEE-UGHS?

On this weekend’s episode of Mexican Made Easy, Marcela made TOUR-TEE-UGH CHIPS and guac. She said the word TOUR-TEE-UGH an obscene amount of times, and even more annoyingly, grossly over-enunciated the word in her Spanish dialect every single time. Marcela, we get it. You’re Mexican. Now will you please stop exaggerating only certain words, and come up with recipes more exciting than beer with lime and chips and dip?




General: Food Network »

Remind Me To Never Go To A Super Bowl Party At Melissa D’Arabian’s House

February 1, 2010 – 9:10 am by Jillian Madison       141 COMMENTS

The Super Bowl is one week away! Time for chicken wings! Time for chili! And if you’re at Melissa d’Arabian’s house, time for… hearty black bean hummus and tapenade with tuna!

bush-say-what

Food Network’s featured some pretty nasty sports-themed recipes in the past (Baked Bologna, anyone?), but perhaps none of them have been as vile as the crap Melissa d’Arabian prepared on yesterday’s Football Fiesta episode of Ten Dollar Dinners. Not only were her recipes un-SuperBowl-ish, but they looked completely revolting as well:

By the looks of it, even SHE couldn’t stand the shit she just made.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:

Screw that. Sorry, Melissa. Remind me to score an invite to Paula Deen’s house next year.




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