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CLOSE TO ZERO: Food Network Edition
Posted by Jillian Madison

1. Chance you’ll be able to replicate that Alton Brown recipe: CLOSE TO ZERO!

2. Weight (in ounces) of Bobby Flay’s balls: CLOSE TO ZERO!

3. Chance Rachael Ray washed that carrot: CLOSE TO ZERO!

4. Chance Barefoot Contessa is really barefoot: CLOSE TO ZERO!

5. How much work Duff Goldman does on each episode of Ace Of Cakes: CLOSE TO ZERO!

6. Chance Sandra Lee is completely sober during filming: CLOSE TO ZERO!

7. Percent chance Giada’s smile is genuine: CLOSE TO ZERO!

8. Percent chance Giada won’t over-enunciate the words MAS-KHAR-POH-NEEHH and MOZZARELLAHHH: CLOSE TO ZERO!

9. Number of times Paula Deen’s heart beats per minute: CLOSE TO ZERO!

10. English spoken by Iron Chef Morimoto: CLOSE TO ZERO!

Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Close To Zero
---Grate Cheese – Pause – Smile – And Repeat
---Ridiculous Food Network Recipe Of The Week: MICROWAVE POPCORN
---Food Network Ratings Going Down The Tubes
---FNH INTERVIEWS: Giada De Laurentiis

    3 Responses

  1. Cuisineboy1975 says:

    Number of times Paula Deen doesn’t use butter or deep-fry on a single episode: CLOSE TO ZERO
    Number of times Giada DeLaurentiis doesn’t use pancetta or Nutella in a single episode: CLOSE TO ZERO

  2. Nick says:

    Number of times i do not think of motorboating Giada DeLaurentiis while watching her show: CLOSE TO ZERO

  3. Olivia says:

    Chance that Giada won’t say “spa-GHEE-tay” for “spaghetti”:
    Chance that Guy will say “Fieri” instead of “Fee-eddie”: CLOSE TO ZERO
    Odds that Sandra Lee will learn that a “Sem-EYE” is a truck and not “Sem-ee” Homecooking: CLOSE TO ZERO
    Chances that I will have the sound turned on if forced to watch Rachael Ray: CLOSE TO ZERO

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