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The Unspoken Rules of the Food Network
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1) THE LOUDER THE BACKGROUND MUSIC, THE MORE AWFUL THE HOST
Ever notice the cheesy, elevator music playing while hosts like Giada de Laurentiis and Ina Garten are chopping onions? Well, the Food Network has to fill their awkward silences with SOMETHING. On a good day, it’s the muzak version of a Bryan Adams song. On a bad day, it’s what sounds like the Brangelina children beating on pots and pans.
2) PAULA DEEN’S DOGS ARE NEVER TO BE TOUCHED OR ACKNOWLEDGED
They are simply props that lend to Paula’s down home southern charm.
3) WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, AIR AN EPISODE OF “FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGE”
Maybe it’s just us, but we can only watch people molding fondant and building Disney cakes for so long before enough is enough.
4) IF THERE’S A KID INVOLVED, YOU KNOW IT’S BAD
The Food Network producers seem to think no one will notice how awful Big Daddy’s Kitchen is if they throw in gratuitous shots of Aaron McCargo’s kid mixing stuff in the corner. Sorry, Food Network. We’re noticing.
5) THE LOWER CUT THE SHIRT, THE MORE BORING THE RECIPES
“Rachael Ray is making pasta. How boring. Change the chann… Oh wait… did her boob just pop out?! I think her boob just popped out! Let’s watch!”
6) AT LEAST ONE GUEST JUDGE ON IRON CHEF WILL BE A POMPOUS JERK
“This chicken is too smoky and the potatoes have way too much salt. Who do you work for? Morton’s? Are you trying to kill me?” -our impression of an Iron Chef: America judge.
7) FOOD NETWORK STARS MUST EACH HOST A MINIMUM OF 2 SHOWS AT ALL TIME*
*unless you’re Bobby Flay, in which case you must host a minimum of 5. The Food Network sure loves to recycle chefs, don’t they?
8) ACCOMPLISHED (BUT NOT AS “ATTRACTIVE”) CHEFS GET LESS AIRTIME AND UNDESIRABLE TIME SLOTS (AND VICE VERSA)
Alex Guarnaschelli? 9:30 am Saturday. Sandra Lee? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday at 4. And Sunday at 12. I rest my case.
9) ALTON BROWN WILL SAY “UHH” AT LEAST 50 TIMES PER EPISODE
Uhh, this is the truth. Listen to his, uhh, speech the next time you watch, uhh, Good Eats.
10) BRONWEN WEBER WILL WIN 4 out of 5 FOOD NETWORK CHALLENGES
Seriously, if you’re up against her, just go home.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Rules Of The Food Network Cake Challenge---New Rules For The Food Network
---NEW RULES (part 1)
---Worst Food Network Host (Part I)
---Understanding The Food Network
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11 Responses
Although you may not like Alton, at least he’s not one of the butt kissing ho’s on FN that can’t make a recipe without a low cut shirt, all kinds of sexual references, or enough olive oil to choke a horse. In Alton’s shows, you don’t have to be afraid for young children to watch. Educational shows on FN are a rarity, and his is definitely entertaining and informative. Our next President says “uhh” too, I’m sure he’d love you for dissing his grammer as well.
Man, the whole bad ’80s porn music is so true of “Big Daddy’s House.” We only have that program on for the music — the cooking and Aaron MacCargoo are that bad.
Why is it that FN can’t find talent that is capable and camera friendly?
Dickhead judges on Food Network shows are a mainstay. Not only ICA, but the FN Challenges and TNFNS.
I think these asshat judges are chanelling their own insecurity and mediocrity by being ultra critical of any contestant. They might think it makes riveting TV, but it makes them look like douches.
Kerry Vincent WTF? That broad is one miserable old hag.
Gerhard Keegan uh ? Line Cook at Chili’s? Love his fruit boots though.
Giada DeLaurentiis ? Eye rollng diva when judging next FN Star.
The Neelys as Judges on anything UH ? HAHAHAHAHA Farm animals they are.
I used to love watching FN,but now I am saddened at just how bogus it has become.
I love, love, love your website. Too funny!
Kyle, good call on the judges on those FN shows. If you really want to see how douchey judges are, turn on “Top Chef” on Bravo. I would love to see a show where a winner of one challenge makes Daddy Tom, Scar and especially that hideous princess Gail make their own dishes and be publically humiliated by the chef contestants moonlighting as judges. You also have to realize that these shows pick the most annoying people to be contestants because “ordinary” and “normal” don’t cut it, according to tptb.
Ah yes, Giada (who never met a low-cut blouse she didn’t like) and that sacred cow Alton (yes, people, he is one of the biggest diva douchers on TNFNS) really epitomize FN. A shame, really, to see how low this network has sunk. Who would’ve known that the catalyst which made FN a success (fellow piss-ant Emeril) would be dropped like a hot potato.
To Cuisineboy, have you ever actually MET Alton? I have, and he’s much more humble and intelligent than he projects on his show. He is honestly humbled when people tell him how great he is. He thanked me for coming such a long distance to see him when we met in Cincy. To me, he will always be the most intelligent and honest FN star there is.
I think Top Chef judging can be pretty harsh too, but the stakes are higher here and the contest itself offers a pretty level playing field for all contestants.
Chef Tom has developed an ego way beyond his burgeoning waistline and has caught Hollywood fever and this has lead him to be a real douche at times.
Padma ( get Lost Salman ) is a Tom puppet, and Gail Simmons is just another print magazine flunky that Food & Wine insists represent them at judges table.
Some of the guest judges have been real dickweeds as well. As you mention, I would give my left nut to see any of them perform any of the challenges they subject the contestants to. I think most of them would fail miserably or make up grandiose excuses. I’ll bet Tom Colicchio is big pussy that would cry for a few days after he chokes during a challenge.
A few weeks ago they brought Sam( Season 2? Finalist) back as a judge for the slim cop lunch challenge. What a prick he turned into. What’s with judges on food show contests ? Are they all instant experts all of sudden with a few years experience ? This isn’t riveting TV. It just maddens viewers.
Ditto on giving abnormal charactors preference when casting a show too. Thankfully Top Chef and TNFNS don’t share the same casting values as Hell’s Kitchen does. Now there are some very whacked individuals.
Alton Brown is one of the more tolerable Food Network hosts to me. I’ve learned a thing or two from him. Though I agree he has to stop it with the “Uhhhhhh” because it’s distracting.
I’ve never met any of the Food Network stars in real life but he seems like he’s down to earth, unlike some of these other people.
This article is very funny! And you commenters are a riot. Very glad I found this page and I will be telling my friends to come join in!
Loved that comment about Bronwen Weber. Kerry Vincent is so pro-Bronwen that it’s a surprise when she loses, and, of course, Keegan G. is such a stooge that he hasn’t a separate thought in his head.