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NEW RULES (part 1)
Posted on February 23rd 2009 by FNH Staff

New Rules


NEW RULE:

The Food Network must immediately stop calling Noah Starr a “tech guru.” He READS EMAILS OFF OF A COMPUTER. My dog could do that. Until he starts doing something even remotely impressive, let’s call him what he really is: “Annoying TV co-host with name that makes him sound like a rejected porn star.”

NEW RULE:

A 4-oz bottle of vanilla extract isn’t allowed to cost $14. It is crushed vanilla bean mixed with alcohol and corn syrup. Why is it so expensive? The price is so high, last week I saw Snoop Dogg pourin’ out an ounce for his dead homies.

NEW RULE:

Minute Rice needs to change its name to something more honest… like “THIS SHIT NEVER COOKS” rice. I tried to cook some last night, but after 60 minutes, it was still harder than Ron Jeremy. Something’s gotta give. If I wanted to stand around for 2 hours waiting to eat dinner, I’d go to Olive Garden.

NEW RULE:

Fat people aren’t allowed to write weight loss books. American Idol judge Randy Jackson recently published a book called “The No-Nonsense Guide to Getting Fit, Eating Better, and Living Longer.” Sure, because there’s nothing like getting dieting advice and tips on how to live longer from a fat man with type II diabetes. What’s next, Ellen Degeneres with a book on how to meet men?

NEW RULE:

People who appear on reality cooking shows have to actually have COOKING EXPERIENCE. Most of the contestants on shows like Hells Kitchen and Next Food Network Star have spent less time in the kitchen than a Jewish housewife. Besides, if I wanted advice from someone who didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, I’d turn on Dr. Phil.

NEW RULE:

Paula Deen needs to just have a heart attack and get it over with. Sticks of butter… the deep fryer… heavy cream… and that’s just the salad. I haven’t seen that much grease since the time I let Lionel Richie borrow my pillow.

NEW RULE:

Waiters and waitresses have to stop reciting the 20 minute long list of specials. Like I give a shit. If I cared what your chef was doing with his meat tonight, I would have followed him into the mens room.

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(if you liked these, you can find many more of our New Rules over at Pophangover)


Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---New Rules For Foodies
---New Rules For The Food Network
---The Unspoken Rules of the Food Network
---Food Network Anthony Bourdain-isms
---ADVICE FOGELSON Meme

    9 Responses

  1. Sally says:
    February 23, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    I like your new rules. Maybe someone should tell Randy Jackson to stop calling people ” Dog”.

    Reply
  2. April March says:
    February 23, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    I thought Randy Jackson had his stomach stapled or something like that in order to lose weithg. Am I wrong? If not, what right does he have to write a book about getting fit — he faked it.

    Reply
  3. Genevieve says:
    February 23, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    Here in France, we would never be allowed to buy a how to get fit book from a lump that had gastric by-pass surgery.

    What is wrong with you people?

    Reply
  4. IsisRaen says:
    February 23, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    That Noah guy looks all of 12 and yet he’s probably more technically savvy than most of the people that work at FN. To them, he probably is a guru.

    Reply
  5. bananas says:
    February 23, 2009 at 9:21 pm

    LOL @ he cost of the vanilla extract.

    I thought I’d make Red Velvet Cake for a party. A 1-oz. bottle of red food coloring was over $2.50 at my grocery store. For color! It doesn’t even add flavor!

    Needless to say, we used half the recommended amount and made Mauve Velvet Cake.

    Reply
  6. Ursos says:
    February 24, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Hey, I just stumbled on the following blog post not too long ago:

    http://chocolateandzucchini.com/archives/2009/02/homemade_vanilla_extract.php

    It’s on how to make your own vanilla extract. It looks pretty easy (though it does take about 2 months of waiting). I ordered some vanilla beans online and got 20 high quality beans for what it would cost to buy 6 sketchy ones in the store (shipping included). The initial cost may be daunting but you can make a large amount and keep “freshening it up” with new beans over time to keep it good. I bet it’s a TON better than store bought, and much cheaper over time (and just way cooler to use).

    Reply
  7. Nora says:
    February 25, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    I canNOT stand Noah, now the whole Ask Aida show is just plain horrible but he makes it ever worse than it already is.

    Reply
  8. Jess says:
    March 25, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    This is ridiculous.
    vanilla’s expensive. deal with it. if you have such a problem with this use artificial vanilla flavoring. Clearly your taste buds don’t work since you were eating minute rice. Also, Chefs are artists. Specials at a restaurant are the meals that the chef personally wanted to bring to you and passionately designed. Or, you know, it’s stuff on sale that can save you money at crappy restaurants. Whatever, the specials are in your best interest.

    I found this website hilarious until I read this. Now I can’t help but judge you and think you have absolutely no merit critiquing anyone about cooking.

    Reply
  9. Ali Dimayev says:
    April 22, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    What is wrong with butter and fat? As long as you don’t eat too much, you’ll be fine.

    Reply

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