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Food Network Anthony Bourdain-isms
Published on: March 12, 2009 – 5:35 pm by Jillian Madison 
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Love him or hate him, there’s no denying Anthony Bourdain has a big mouth. I suppose this inspiredMSN TV to post a collection of his opinions on various food shows and hosts. Here’s what Bourdain had to say about some of the Food Network personalities:
ACE OF CAKES
Anthony Bourdain: “I like this show. It’s kind of cool. I like Duff and the people he works with. That’s the real world of cooking.”
Our Reply: Bewildered. Bourdain thinks Ace Of Cakes is the “real world of cooking?” What drug-assisted world is he living in? In the real world, people don’t get paid assloads of money to goof off and make cakes while being followed by TV cameras. Inconceivable. Are Duff, Geof, and Mary Alice blowing him on the side?
Iron Chef America
Anthony Bourdain: “Who are these douchebag [judges] they put on there? Jeffrey Steingarten at least knows what he’s talking about. The show gets really good chefs to go on there, and to have them judged by the likes of Mo Rocca makes me want to vomit in my mouth.”
Our Reply: I think Mo Rocca is funny. I’d rather hear him critique food than listen to some stuffy douchebag in a bowtie whine on about uneven browning.
Paula Deen
Anthony Bourdain: “Paula strikes me as a hard-working, likable woman. I’m glad for her success. I like her Southern-based shows, but I don’t know if I want to see her in a muumuu cooking a Hawaiian luau. That makes the blood run cold.”
Our Reply: If you think that makes the blood run cold, then you might want to avoid the video of her pants falling down at the Miami Food & Wine Festival.
Emeril
Anthony Bourdain: “I love hanging out and drinking with the guy. But I’ve told him to his face many times, “I love you and respect you. I just hate your shows.” But compared to who’s on Food Network now, he looks like Escoffier. In retrospect, that was pretty distinguished stuff compared to what that network’s doing now.”
Our Reply: Agreed.
Rachael Ray
Anthony Bourdain: “Rachael Ray now is a talk-show host. My wife watches her, I hate to admit it. She’s America’s little sister, because she’s a likable person. I think people respond to her because of her personality and not her cooking, which is pretty damned awful. She’s very nice, and I base this on no inside information: She’s big now, like Oprah big; the sooner she stops cooking, the happier we’ll both be.”
Our Reply: Since when did Bourdain start kissing Rachael Ray’s ass? Did her PR people get to him too?
Next Food Network Star
Anthony Bourdain: “It’s an interesting window into the cynical and terrifying real criteria of how they grow their own talent on Food Network. I mean, they’re pretty straight-forward about what you’ve got to do and who you’ve got to please and what the real priorities are to get a show there. You see the shear naked ambition of these often minimally talented cooks with the maximum ambitions of being television. You really see the process though: Media training trumps cooking every time. I used to be on the Food Network, but I think I slipped under the wire. The network at that point used to be run by a cabal of people getting bored with their own programming. For whatever reason, they gave me two years of traveling wherever I wanted, doing pretty much what I’ve been doing on “No Reservations.” After two years, they wanted me riding around on a pony in a parking lot doing chili cook-offs instead of going to foreign countries. My feeling was, “Let someone else do that.”
Our Reply: He makes a good point. It clearly IS media training over cooking ability at the Food Network. And why do I feel like I’ve literally seen people on the Food Network riding around on a pony in a parking lot doing a chili cook off? Sounds like the typical BS they would air during prime time, doesn’t it?
Sandra Lee
Anthony Bourdain: “She makes her audience feel good about themselves. You watch her on that show and you think, “I can do that. That’s not intimidating.” All you have to do is waddle into the kitchen, open a can of crap and spread it on some other crap that you bought at the supermarket. And then you’ve done something really special.”
Our Reply: Spot on.
Alton Brown/Good Eats
Anthony Bourdain: “That’s a pretty brainy show. I’m shocked that it’s been on that long. Usually, anything remotely intelligent on the Food Network gets canceled. I don’t know what happened, but he’s on every other show on that network now. He legitimizes even their most atrocious product. He’s kind of the front man for some of the various dubious enterprises. I think “Good Eats” is a good and smart show. His commentary on “Iron Chef” doesn’t suck. You actually learn something! Of the Food Network personalities, he’s a welcome anomaly.”
Our Reply: Agreed. But bring the new Alton Brown back. This new one with the grizzly beard, orange tan, blown-out hair, and noticeable weight gain isn’t doing it for me.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Anthony Bourdain Wants To Get Drunk With Rachael Ray---Sandra Lee Tells Anthony Bourdain To “Have Cocktail And Lighten Up”
---Anthony Bourdain Sold Out To Chase Sapphire Card On “No Reservations”
---Congratulations, ANDREW Bourdain
---Anthony Bourdain Blogs About Run-In With Sandra Lee
2 Trackback(s)
- Mar 23, 2009: Anthony Bourdain Wants To Get Drunk With Rachael Ray « Food Network Humor
- Nov 6, 2009: It’s Official: Food Network Parent Company Now Owns Travel Channel « Food Network Humor
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Where’s the humor? You’re just latching onto whatever Bourdain said, adding only a pointless line or two after each comment. Also, most of these you didn’t even quote correctly. You omitted several lines here and there.
I think this site has promise, but this post sucked.
Anthony has calmed down in the past few years. I agree with most of what he says except the Ass of Cakes comment. It is totally possible that Mary Alice is “humming on his hoagie”. He does have a dark side to him.
Wow, you gals have a good site happening here. An enjoyable read everyday. I hope some of these FN jaskasses read it. You see it clearly.
Don’t listen to Sam who clearly has a stick up his/her ass. I for one am quite interested in your opinions on things – even if they sometimes are shared with Bourdain!
Love the site, keep up the great work!
Bourdain. The man is like an alcoholic with a TV Hosting problem.
Sam, let’s see you try to do better, you moron.
FNH you guys make me laugh several times each day. Love the work you do!
Bourdain is smoking crack with those comments about Ass Of Cakes. How can he of all people like that show? It seems like it represents everything he’s against.
I am in agreement with most of the boarders here — I think Brourdain has emotional issues and dependency problems. I don’t find anything he has to say worth reading. He should take his smokes and drink and go off and never been heard from again! He is a classless act!
Thanks for my daily allowance of laughter!
giggling @ “Bourdain. The man is like an alcoholic with a TV Hosting problem.” beautiful. I love it.
Bourdain is a total hedonist, and I dig that about him.
I think AB’s softening of attitude re: Rachael Ray has something to do with his wife being a fan of the show. She probably threatened to cut him off if he didn’t back up a bit and say something nice. Or else RR’s lawyers started muttering about libel.
Oh, I almost forgot. Yesterday’s travesty of a show with Paula Deen cooking in her PJs (complete with neck to knee foundation garments underneath!) has to be a new low for her. Please, Food Network, allow an older woman her dignity!
Usually agree with Tony on many things “food” but his Ace of Cakes assessment must have come after drinking some exotic booze he brought back from a TN shoot.
Duff is like P.T. Barnum, creating a business based on the “sucker born every minute” credo. I’m sure anyone could get some struggling art students to create a fake cake using clay and paint instead of fondant for about 10% of the CCC minimum of $1,000. Stop at Costco and pick up a sheet cake for $16 to serve when everyone is done ogling the sculpture that represents the party recipient’s life. I’m pretty sure the Costco cake tastes better too.
Actually, Costco cakes are pretty decent. My favorite is the chocolate cake with chocolate mousse filling and chocolate whipped cream topping (I’m not a fan of traditional frosting).
Plus, they’re huge. You’re still eating cake every night a month later. And you’ve spent, what, $20? Versus over $1000 for some sculpture that is barely edible?
Derek Lutz: You could not have said it better.
I wonder what his customers buyer’s remorse level is like after one of his MINIMUM $1000.00 cakes ?
And if you removed a Costco cake of it’s Kirkland brand labelling, most would figure it came from a cake specialty shop.
Am I the only one who read Tony’s comments about RR and realized what a backhanded compliment it was? Seriously. He was only nice in that he didn’t call her a fat cow. He’s always mocked her on her cooking, and that’s never changed. I can’t actually think of a time he ragged on her personality.
Plus…Jesus. I know everyone hates Duff and Ace Of Cakes like the Antichrist, but come on. If anyone read Kitchen Confidential, I can see where Tony’s coming from; everything he details about cooks as being the lower dregs of society who yet manage to do the impossible with food basically fits them. The cooks in that book sucker customers and yet give them what they want. And for gods’ sakes. You’re talking about customized cakes that aren’t from a supermarket. No other cake shop is going to be spectacularly cheaper, and some may be even worse for much more. And I doubt there’s many people who don’t goof off at their job if they can manage it.
Yeah, I don’t know why this bothers me, but it really does. It’s a bunch of people doing their job, that just happen to have a camera on them. They’re not celebrities. They’re barely even cake makers. But apparently people like them and their work. They don’t act pretentious, and for the most part, they’re just dorks. So what. So damn what.
OMG I’ve found my home! Other people who don’t like Ace of Cakes.
I always thought their cake sculptures didn’t look that great, I’ve seen better ones on Food Network Challenge.
Cake Boss is way better, and much nore enetertaining!
TennisLuver – no one here really likes Ace Of Cakes. Welcome!
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Anthony, I would follow you around the world and eat weird things just to be near you. You’re so damnned cute….
wonderfully said by some old dude who looks like a leather wallet. he is over baked skin cancer ahoy.