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The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
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Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of Barefoot Contessa, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Ina Garten.
I. Thou shalt only cook with “GOOD PRODUCTS” – good olive oil, good dijon mustard, and good vanilla.
II. Thou shalt always reference “CLASSIC FRENCH TECHNIQUE” whilst folding egg whites or cooking duck.
III. Thou shalt always take photos of your prepared meals, for eventual placement on “THY WEBSITE.”
IV. Thou shalt always refer to Saffron as the “STAMENS OF THE CROCUSES.”
V. Thou shalt honor thy spouse by cooking them chicken every Friday night.
VI. Always remember to ask thyself, “HOW BAD CAN THAT BE?!”
VII. Thou shalt always drive a Mercedes, regardless of income level.
VIII. Thou shalt always speak fondly of The Hamptons, even if thou was carjacked at gunpoint there last summer.
IX. Thou shalt always gently remind others that “THIS IS HOW IT WAS DONE AT BAREFOOT CONTESSA.”
X. Thou shalt keep a minimum of twenty gay male friends at all times.
(Be sure to add your Ina Commandments in the comments section)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis---The Ten Commandments Of Money Saving Meals
---The Ten Commandments Of Paula Deen
---Ina Garten Loves Her Gay Men
---Ina Garten Storyline On 30 Rock
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- Ina Garten
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158 Responses
LOL! That was great!
Good, but our Ina needs more than just 10! For instance, “Thou shall not have fun without me.”
Excellent!
Thou shalt have dinner parties at least 4 nights a week.
ha
Thou shalt develop and obnoxious nervous laugh, only to be used in the presence of others.
You noticed that too, eh? I am so sick of it.
Her nervous laughter at nothing is so irritating.
Thou shalt spend a dollar amount equal to, but not lesser than, the gross national product of a small country, while stocking thy pantry.
If you have to ask the price, your on the wrong show.
“you’re”
Didn’t you go to school?
Thou shalt pop the collor of thy blue button-down blouses to affect a chipper and spritly facade.
(and also hide they many folds about thy neck)
Thou shalt only wear drab colored big girl shirts, black pants that are too short, and black orthopedic shoes.
thou shall try my recipes & realize I am one of the only cooks on this horrid channel that can actually cook & my recipes are foolproof!
And thy shall impress upon Rachael Ray that the word I just used is pronounced “foolproof” and not “fullproof.”
Now this is one of my favorite posts yet. Ina is one of my favorite FN hosts and I have noticed each of these “commandments” at one time or another. LOL!
How about… “Thou shalt mispronounce many basic words — such as ‘ciabatta’ and ‘paella’ — as I do”?
And: “Whenever thou tweaks a recipe in any way, thou shalt refer to it as ‘turning up the volume.’”
She’s actually the second-best thing on the Network behind Tyler Florence. The show does have some annoying quirks, not the least of which is the incredibly phony and awkward scenes outside of her kitchen.
Oh I hate hearing her say “paella (pie ella)” and “parmesan (par ma zan).” Someone on the Food Network who is also an author and a caterer and former owner of a specialty foods shop should know how to pronounce these words.
And she’s been to Italy, so she must surely have heard how risotto is pronounced:
NOT ris oh toe but ris ott o,
ott as in otter, ottoman, etc.
And she says bay sil instead of bah sil,
bah as in ballet, ba-ba black sheep.
Does she call a man called Basil Baysil?
She has absolutely no ear for foreign languages.
Thou shall send thy friends to drive all over the Hamptons to do thy errands for you. Now how easy is that?
This is one of my favorite posts so far. The comments and replies have been awesome. you guys rock!
Great list, here’s my additional 10.
-Thou shalt always bake from scratch although almost no one watching will ever go to that much trouble.
-Thou shalt never cover anything that one stores in the refrigerator.
-Thou shalt only use flowers grown in one’s spacious garden to decorate one’s table unless flowers are brought over by gay friend.
-Thou shalt only expect their gay friends to bring flowers when they arrive for dinner.
-Thou shalt never have disrupting winds when one eats outdoors or on a beach.
-Thou shalt never experience weather below 50 degrees or above 70 degrees.
-Thou shalt only buy rustic vegetables from anyplace other than a rustic roadside stand or charming rustic country market.
-Thou shalt never flaunt one’s famous friends but having Mel Brooks pop in for dinner does remind others that thou has plenty of them.
-Thou shalt never reveal that size of the staff it takes to keep one’s kitchen that clean.
-Thou shall always say how easy it is to make a tarte tatin.
Thou shalt use a kitchen aid stand mixer whenever possible.
Thou shalt suggest ordering truffle butter online because it’s only $9.99 when the shipping’s $60.00.
Thou shalt build a $3 million dollar barn for entertaining.
Thou shalt make my own marshmallows instead of buying.
Thou shalt have any excuse for a party.
Thou shalt cook onions and carrots and then comment surprisingly how one can smell onions and carrots cooking.
Thou shalt know every name of every grocery clerk in town.
Thou shalt never use a spatula to scrape out all the food from a bowl, or use ones fingers to pull all the chicken off the bone as thou has more money than God.
Thou shalt never eyeball salt and pepper but carefully measure every grain.
oh sweet baby jesus you are dead on with that last one Byrdie…
do you really need to whip out your measuring spoons EVERY SINGLE TIME you measure out salt ‘n’ pepper Ina? do you really?
Amen
Thou shalt express the importance of salt at every oppurtunity.
Thou shalt always provide dessert,no matter what thou has provided beforehand.
Thou shalt always remind yourself “it’s gonna be great”.
Thou shalt extoll the virtues of homemade chicken stock at least once per episode.
Thou shalt always justify the use of extreme amounts of salt by saying there is much food to season.
Thou shalt put chocolates on the upstairs beds for visiting guests and then consume said chocolates when the camera’s off.
Thou shalt spend hours cooking for others and then eat alone by a computer.
Thou shalt make sure we all know she’s gone to Paris “several times.”
Thou shalt all know that Ina was once thin, hence the old Polaroid shots from her wedding.
Thou shalt not suspect your husband of having another family.
Honor thy knife and fork–they are your only true friends and will never abandon you.
Thou shalt bestow kisses and hugs upon a husband who is more interested in your newest culinary delight.
Thou shalt regularly serve cuisine to horsefaced Hampton socialites and their snooty college-aged daughters.
Thy gay friends must dress in pastel.
Thou shalt be a Jew who eats ham and bacon…and chopped liver (on special occasions).
Thou shalt never wear a seatbelt while driving.
Though shalt not be fruitful and multiply.
HA! another family… hilarious…
How could we not include the repetitive, “Don’t have any fun without me!” or, Who wouldn’t want that?”. I still love her though, and her gay friends. They look like such fun folks and after being a flight attendant for 30 years, I know how much fun my gay friends were too.
Thou shalt use the word “FLAVOR” at least 10 times per episode.
Thou shalt always bake cookies for the hired help and make sure they are in the shape of the tools and personalize them with their names piped in icing.
Thou shall use enough butter to fur up the nations arteries – with the excuse `’this makes lot of …”
Thou shall cook enough for a small nation, whilst saying `’ this is for for 2`;
Thou shalt force dessert on guests before they’ve finished dinner.
Thou shalt crack eggs into a separate bowl just in case you “get a bad egg”.
Thou shalt use two mustards, the smooth for the flavor and the whole grain because “it looks like mustard”.
Thou shalt make/buy meraingue disks and fill with whipped cream, berries, and raspberry sauce every other episode.
I’ve often wondered just when the last time was that she actually GOT a “bad egg?” Oh right, there was just that ONE time back in 1962. I NEVER break eggs into a bowl (why dirty another bowl,) and I’ve NEVER gotten a bad egg.
(On second thought, when she talks about “bad eggs,” maybe she’s referencing Jeffrey???)
It’s actually an ethnic thing. Occasionally there can be a speck of blood in an egg. To use an egg with this speck of blood is a no-no if you keep kosher (it’s traif). If you just cracked your egg into your mixing bowl with all the other ingredients you’ve contaminated the whole thing and can’t use it. So, if you crack your eggs into a separate little dish you can discard the “bad” egg and not ruin the rest of your dish.
She obviously doesn’t keep kosher since she cooks and eats pork and shrimp and clams and lobster and scallops, etc.
If you have ever gotten a bad egg…even if only once…you’d use the extra bowl. I cracked an egg once and I couldn’t throw it away fast enough….it was gross and smelled to high heaven!
Thou shalt slurp surrepetiously whilst cooking
Thou shalt pump thy friends for compliments whenever you serve them anything, but comment “It’s not bad” when you taste it yourself.
Thou shalt purchase and use only professional grade kitchen pots, pans, and utensils that will make any restaurant cry with jealousy of not having such a high credit limit.
Thou shalt say that every time you make homemade dough: “Flour the board a lot, there’s no point of making dough if if it sticks to the board.”
Thou shalt always store items in the fridge or freezer with plastic wrap you cut out of from a giant white box with no labels.
Thou shalt always show off that you can use your expensive mobile devices to receive praise for your food from your gay friends
Thou shalt always use six sticks of butter to bake anything – even if it is for two people.
Thou shalt measure out sugar and flour from the biggest glass containers you have ever seen with pretty metal measuring cups
Thou shalt always state when cooking items that do not take too much time: “You really want to keep an eye on it.”
Thou shalt cut and chop vegetables on giant wood cutting boards
Thou shalt tell views where those small silver bowls came from that everything goes into to serve so dinner can be done right….Where do I find those silver bowls the the little handles?
thou shalt add instant espresso or freshly brewed black coffee to any chocolate dessert for “depth of flavor.”
thou shalt hurl eggshells across the kitchen into the sink from the opposite side of the room.
thou shalt prepare food in le creuset cookware in shades of white, black, and green only.
god bless Ina. for all of these reasons, i love her!!
OMG hurling the eggs across the room is the best one!
Thou shall show off at least one “Barefoot Contessa” product per episode, be it ribbon, mugs, tote bag, or food product.
Surround thyself while on camera with people who are clearly uncomfortable being on camera.
Thou shall never be filmed licking the spoon.
Thou shall always use obscure liquors like Framboise, Pernod, and so on.
Thou shall worship fennel whenever possible. Likewise for heavy cream and creme fraiche.
Thou shall act as Ina – always surprised that her cakes come out of the pan – though they have already been attended to by 5 food stylists.
Thous shall always drink Veuve Cliquot champagne at all times.
— Love Mrs. Garten, no matter what!!!! ——
Thou shall always be “turning up the volume on a classic recipe”
thou shall have an obscure cocktail at every meal
Thou shalt continuously remind thy viewers that they must put ingredients right INTO the bowl, INTO the pan, INTO the soup, or INTO the stew.
Thou shalt always enter upscale shops in the Hamptons without a purse, car keys, wallet, or driver’s license.
Thou shalt serve whole pears for dessert after dinner.
Thou shalt plant a tree at the beach.
Thou shalt always remember to “say hi to peachy” after picking up items you never paid for.
Thou shalt always ask “ARE WE HAVING FUN YET” when in doubt that you are actually having fun.
Thou shalt always assure viewers that an unexpected ingredient is added to make a classic recipe “really special”
I love Ina! :)
I thought she drove a BMW….just sayin.
depends on the episode
PS Regarding NIKKIDEE’s comment about breaking eggs into a separate bowl “in case you get a bad egg,” I actually had that happen to me and wished I’d used a separate bowl. Broke one the other day, and it was really a “bad boy” (ala Guy Fee-Eddie). It ran all over the place! :-)
(A “bad egg?” WTH is that? You buy a dozen fresh eggs and one is “bad?” And how do you know? Does it tell bad yolks?)
You’re friends aren’t going to have any more fun if you spend all day making dessert.
Fabulous!
Thou shalt patronize the only florist that knows thy favorite color is orange.
Thou shalt remind first male guest at dinner party that he is “in charge of the grill!”
Thou shalt try not to allow hair bob to enter facial area while filming.
Thou shalt always remind TR of his humble roots as thy short order cook.
Thou shalt never be filmed actually walking anywhere lest the public realize thou art 3’8″ tall.
Thou shalt ALWAYS prepare thine own homemade stock, as “it really makes a difference.”
Thou shalt pop thy collar.
Thou shalt convert the spare bedroom into a pantry.
Thou shalt keep an endless variety of liqueurs around the house.
Thou shalt not glop foods on a platter as they tend to look like a dog’s breakfast.
“Thou shalt be a Jew who eats ham and bacon…and chopped liver (on special occasions).”
Thou shalt eat copious amounts of shellfish prepared in a variety of ways.
Thou shalt mix butter, cheese, and cream with meats.
Ina drives a BMW…but whatever you have is fine.
Hysterical!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA YES. Just make sure it is a good car.
Thou shall talk incessantly about “Jeffrey” while touting the need for “good” ingredients.
Thou shall have gay friends come over wearing various patterns of madras plaid.
“Ina drives a BMW…but whatever you have is fine.”
Oy! Only the second time only that I’ve spit a (beverage) on my monitor screen from LOL!
That said, I’m happy to report that said beverage was more than a “good” vintage. Still, it was probably mediocre in Ina’s estimation ;)
Madras plaid separated the “frats” from the “grease” when I was in high school. I don’t even want to think about what madras plaid exemplifies now…
“Thou shall have gay friends come over wearing various patterns of madras plaid.”
My apologies, KELLY, for not quoting and/or acknowledging your post above. Mea culpa. I wore madras plaid in my younger days to infuse myself into an acceptable group in my small parochial high school community. With 20/20 hindsight, I shouldn’t have given a rat’s a$$ about what classmates thought about my wardrobe!
Epilogue: The school implemented UNIFORMS before I graduated. End of story.
thou shalt use a whole bag of briquettes and a brand-new charcoal chimney to grill 5 hamburgers.
haha!
These comments are cracking me up!!!
Thou shalt press nostrils on open bottle of ‘good’ vanilla and exclaim how great it smells.
Thou shalt always add coffee to thy ‘really good’ chocolate.
Thou shalt always use a mix of unsweetened and semi-sweet chocolate as semi-sweet is too sweet (repeat at least 5 times per episode)
Thou shalt invite thy co-workers to try your recipes with and without a secret ingredient, to see if they can figure out which version is better. This will be an honest taste test and not contrived in any way.
And as a corollary to that one —
Thou shall prepare these dishes one at a time and require your assistant to drive to your house three times to pick them up.
Thou shalt never use Tupperware, but only store things in old chinese food containers.
those old chinese containers (the ones she uses for the chicken stock, etc) are not old, nor cheap. She has said where to buy them on line.
I ‘d like to know if ina creates the stories of why and how she shopes etc and cooks for everybody.
I would enjoy her more if she didn’t mumble her words.
i think her husband is adorable, she should lose weight.
Ina doesn’t seem to really fit in with the Hampton gang. She reminds me of the maid/cook whom the “Hamptonites” gracioulsy invited to dinner.
Thou shalt prove to the audience with each episode that thou hast “arrived”
Thou shall always throw away egg shells into the sink instead of the trash.
Thou shalt add coffee to every chocolate dessert thy baketh for it brings out the chocolatey taste.
Byrdie: I’ve always thought that about the rubber spatula! Grew-up-poor-girl Martha uses one religiously; Ina leaves half her food in the bowl because thou must honor thy silver and thy tongs when thou needn’t covet thy neighbor’s kitchen staff.
Thou shalt gross out the viewer by using the same measuring spoon for the mustard as the salt without cleaning off the mustard!! yeech!
Thou shalt use your fingertip on the open bottle of olive oil rather than pour some ON your fingertip questioning the purity of said olive oil…”how did THAT happen”.
NEVERTHELESS, I would love to be on the Garten guest list…any time!!
P.S. I love T.R. Pescod and have kept his reply to me on Facebook….is he gorgeous or what?? Lucky Ina!
I think she’s in love with him….Doesn’t anyone notice how she looks at him…and starts giggling….so phony!
Thy shall have useful friends that can help you put together a kitchen worthy of duplication at the Rockerfeller Center.
Thy shall try to write a cookbook or two while Jeffrey is away.
Thy shall try not to look too longingly at Jeffrey whilst he eats his Friday night roast chicken…
Thy shall try to let the common folk know where to purchase all the everyday essentials of the kitchen. Even if they are huge in scale and/or cost more than a small car.
Thy shall be comfortable using a 20 lb glass container of flour – afterall a strong staffer will ensure its safe return to the display shelf.
Thy shall add huge amounts of butter and cream to everything and say “now, how bad can that be?”
Thy shall be called Ina and everything you do will be in grand style and you will be admired by all.
omgosh!!! i think you all finally get that ina is an overly self-satisfied snob, with too many gay friends, a puppy dog husband, and a very fake laugh…can’t stand her!!!
Thou shalt always fear arrest by the “fun police”.
I would also love to know where to find the hotel silver bowls. Serving olives, chunks of parm reggiano, or “French” chocolate bark isn’t the same w/o them. I’m not gay or male, but I LOVE Ina anyway!
Thou shalt cut “good feta” into outrageously-large, inedible cubes.
Thou shalt hate cilantro. Hate.
Thou shalt add Japanese bread flakes to unsuspecting recipes for no good reason.
Thou shalt worship California olive oil.
Thou shalt exalt clean hands, for they are a cook’s best friend.
Thou shalt leave East Hampton only when absolutely necessary, like when visiting Paris.
Thou shalt zest a lemon before juicing it, because you can’t zest it after you juice it.
Thou shalt roast broccoli until their heads are charred, black, and “full of flavor.”
Thou shalt use a piping bag whenever possible, even on weekdays for thy husband, because it “just comes out so much nicer.”
DA – “Thou shall roast broccoli until their heads are charred, black, and full of flavor.”
Laughted til I cried!
Thou shalt be as insufferable as thou wishes because, if thy viewers try thy cookbooks, they will discover that thou can actually cook!
Thou shalt pour hot liquid into a sink, giggle, and act surprised by the ensuing steam bath.
Thou shalt use wine that you would want to drink.
Thou shalt love the smell of basil
Thou shalt prefer flat leaf parsley because it has more flavor
All kidding aside…love Ina!
Thou shalt throw a birthday party for a dog and refer to the guests as pooches and humans
Thou shalt laugh while Jeffrey almost burns the house down while grilling
Thou shalt love the tent Jeffrey bought for an anniversary present and the 17 hours he spent “secretly” attempting to put it up in the back yard
Thou shalt show only pictures in life of wedding and camping
hahaha everything is so right on AMANDA!!!!
Seriously, are there ANY straight guys in East Hampton????
I think she’s a straight guy. I think?
Thou shalt have endless dinner parties whilst thine husband is away.
Thou shalt always have on hand entire baskets of fresh herbs that thou “just got out of the garden” because the fresh herbs “really taste so much better.”
Thou shalt adorn thy table with hundreds of dollars’ worth of flowers even if it is just breakfast for thine husband.
Thou shalt never need an ingredient that cannot be purchased in a small specialty shop in the Hamptons.
And +1 for finding out where all of her jars and bowls come from. At least if I know that they cost $500 each I won’t scour the earth trying to find them. I love Ina.
I don’t have a commandment but I do want to say that I really love her… Yes, she does LOOOVE her kingly Hampton life style and she may come across as a little pretentious but her food is great, she does make it in front of you and I love the fact that she is still in love with her husband of 40 years and she is still worried after cooking for him all this time whether or not he is going to like what she made for him!
Also, the fact that she has never been professionally trained and that she does not pretend to be something she is not gives her a lot of credibility in my eyes! With all her overly expensive, rarefied and sheltered Hampton life, she has never tried to pretend that she’s not. At lest she’s not like Giada who tries to come across as one of the regular folks while living in a sickeningly huge mansion right on the beach in LA. Anyone wants to bet that costs a lot more than In’s barn?
wayeth to spoil the party… if you missed it – most of us love Ina!
Spoil the party?! I like Ina quite a lot…
1. Thou shalt use only KOSHER SALT – for it hath a softer flavour (yes, there’s a ‘U’ in there, I’m English!)
2. Unless thou wantest to impress thy previously mentioned gay friends, and then thou usest FLEUR-DE-SEL.
It’s time for Ina to visit the UK – she spends far too much time in Paris. There are lots of us over here who would love to worship at the feet of the Barefoot Contessa!
Thou douth not know Ina well… She doesn’t do bangers and mash.
Ummm….yes she does. She did a show called barefoot in london….and bangers and mash was on the menu. Look up the episode on foodnetwork. I can’t wait to try it. :)
Thou shalt always wear flood pants and horrible black orthopedic shows.
orthopedic **shoes** too
all of you who hate her so much must be watching really a lot of her shows.
Of course! While Ina is my queen, I believe the members that don’t like her, yet watch her, feel that doing so is like looking at a train wreck; They just can’t look away.
[...] These lemony, cakey cookies are simple to make and just taste like summer. To make them even more moist, I think I’ll throw in a couple dollops of yogurt next time. To quote Ms. Fancy-pants herself, “How bad can that be?” [...]
Thou shalt put lemon juice and lemon zest in every dish you make
Love you Ina!!!
Thou Shalt honor thy husband and with thine eyes undress him everytime he comes home from the city, with the giggle of a nervous school girl and the smile of a fox. HOT!
Thou Shalt use 9 1/2 Weeks movie crystal clear sound editing so that every veggie cut sounds like a sexy symphony, every herb chopped a memory of Kim Basinger sitting in fromt of the refrigerator. Even thine honey crackles and bubbles as it is poured. FAB!
Thou Shalt extol the virtues of living or renting in the Hamptons.
Thou Shalt love the art of food and cooking as a pleasure and a gift to your friends. THANKS INA!
Thou shalt always say “cook a steak and a man shows up.”
Thou shalt gaze upon thy creepy little gnome of a husband and crinkle one’s eyes whilst doing so as to blur him enough to look like Rob Lowe. Oh, and also thou shalt wait upon him hand and foot even thou he never lifts a hand to help other than that time he apoplexed over what kind of spinach to buy.
huh….if I could sqint enough for my husband to look like rob lowe i’d be a happy girl
Thou shalt repeat at least once per show: “How bad can THAT be,” “What’s not to like about that,” and “Don’t have any fun without me” upon exiting the room where the party is, whereupon one notices that the guests immediately begin laughing and CLEARLY having much more fun WITHOUT her in the room.
Thou shalt always, when cutting herbs, do so with a ‘rough chop’.
too funny!
Thou shalt always insist “everyone is sharing the load of the party” even though you are making the entire dinner, packing it up, putting it together, and serving it. Presumably, bringing a centerpiece, or a quart of Haagen Daz is a fair share.
Thou shalt keep poor Anna Pump chained to the basement wall whilst the sun hangs in the sky.
Thou shalt take a test sip of every cocktail and ignore the lip marks that were already on it.
Thou shalt use stock footage whenever possible to compile an episode.
Thou shalt introduce a minimum of 4 new gays per season.
Thou shalt never reference the home of the neighbor friend thou made a housewarming dinner for because thou obviously ordered it’s demolition in order to build a barn.
Thou shalt ignore the fact that Anna Pump always looks scared of you.
Thou shalt construct a cabinet to house room temperature butter.
Thou shalt rock my world on a daily basis by constantly “turning up the heat”.
the volume….. oops….
The only herbs thou shall use are flat leaf parsley, thyme, basil and tarragon.
Thou shall do several versions of outrageous brownies, mac n cheese and vegetable gratain.
Thou shall turn the volume up on many dishes by adding lobster.
Alternatively, volume can be turned up on beef dishes by replacing a cheap cut with fillet mingon.
Thou shalt only bake cakes that contain 10 pounds of butter or more.
Thou shalt only eat home recipes if it is likely to make thou die of cholesterol.
Thou shalt only bake if thou has a bob haircut or hair resembling a large dog’s.
Thou shalt die if thou asks for a ‘healthy’ recipe from me.
thou shall put 6 pears on a plate and call it desert
thou shall only serve “good” store bought croissants and mixed berries for a breakfast party so that one is not spending the whole party in the kitchen
(because remember that one time, when one decided to make individual omlettes for one’s guests and one spent the whole day slaving over one’s stove making those damn omlettes? NEVER AGAIN! is what one screams silently to one’s self everytime the memory surfaces)…
if you’re lucky one might make a frittata…
how easy is that indeed Ina…
Thou shalt always decorate your dishes with ingredients featured in them because thou wantest thine guests to know that which they are partaking.
I laughed out loud on that one
I love #VI – How Bad Can That Be? It can be REAL bad!!!!!
Thou shalt always use both olive and butter when sauteeing…olive oil for the high burning temperature, and butter for the flavor. Don’t even think about using just one of them alone!
Thou shalt always cook and/or bake in a manner that guarantees all dishes come out “golden, bubbly, and gorgeous.”
Thou shalt pop an arugula leaf into your mouth every time you make an arugula salad and thou shalt talk about it’s peppery flavor every single time!
See previous post from “Design Guy” who i think nailed it – Fatty uses stock footage every time she can.
And my God, if you look closely at the footage, this woman cooks like a complete slob. Eggs go flying, flour seldom hits the bowl it’s intended to.
Ina’s never gone through school for cooking or hospitality management – a complete fraud and danger when “turning up the heat”, i’d have to say.
Thou shalt use at least 400 tablespoons of salt and olive oil whilst labeling it “2 tablespoons”.
Fatty.
I THINK INA GARTEN IS JUST ENGAGING…VERY SINCERE AND CLASSIC IN STYLE. SHE APPEARS TO BE GENUINE, AND WHEN YOU ARE GENUINE, WHO YOU ARE IS NEVER A FORCED VENTURE. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HER PERSONALITY AND WOULD LOVE TO SEE A TOUR OF HER HOME AND BARN. SHE ALWAYS PUTS EMPHASIS ON PLEASING OTHERS AND MAKING THEM FEEL COMFORTABLE AND AT HOME…LOVE YOU INA. WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU ONE DAY-YOU ARE THE BEST!
Thou shalt always use kosher salt
Thou shalt love Jeffrey even when you find him, TR and miguel in bed under one condition: that they’re using GOOD olive oil as a lubricant. (WITH A GOOD FRENCH TECHNIQUE)
Bite me, you stingy outrageous Chic east Hamptons tart
How bad can that be?
Thou shalt invite only six people to a dinner party, and seat them around a round table that is slightly too small, with the most talkative people in the center facing each other so that the flow of the conversation is always vibrant, bubbly, and unending
Thou shalt graduate from Ivy univesities like Dartmouth and teach at Yale as the Dean of the business school, or marry someone of such caliber to ensure a high income lifestyle.
Thou shalt make friends with Hollywood elites like Mel Brooks or Rob Marshall who produced blockbusters like the Producers or Pirates of the Caribbean part 4
Thou shalt write cookbooks only with the intention of being #1 on the hardcover nonfiction of the New York Times every single time
Thou shalt make the art of staying married 40 years in congenial bliss seem like the norm and not the deviation
Thou shalt continue to be one of only two or three people on Food Network worth watching.
Ufortunately, I have to agree. Even though Ina is a pretentious, insufferable snob, she’s a lot better than most of the other Food Network celebs.
She’s in love with food….loose some weight! You look awful in those tent clothes!
Thou shalt NEVER let garlic cook for more than a minute, lest it burn and taste bitter!! >:(
I’m surprised no one mentioned the one I posted above lol. I Love Ina, her and Tyler are the best FN has!!
I agree. However, haven’t seen Tyler lately.
- “Thou shalt patronize fishmonger selling clams unshucked, thereby buying them shelled and cleaned, therefore speeding up the cooking time with a modicum of convenience.”
- Thou shalt infer while adding each ingredient that it ‘should be fresh and nothing less’. ”
- “Thou shalt kiss each and every merchant when entering and leaving their establishments.”
- “Thou shalt pretend/be coy during show wondering what friends are doing at the moment.”
- “Thou shalt immediately thrust prepared alcholic beverages to guests still wearing their coats, jackets and sporting handbags at the entryway.”
- “Thou shalt have gay male friends living in drab, unfashionable digs unbecoming of gay stereotype.”
- “Thou shalt befriend WASPy socialites who claim Jewish heritage.”
- “Thou shalt use four – 5 pound whole free-range, locally raised chickens to make only 3 cups of stock and not mention why the chickens need to be disposed afterward.”
- “Thou shalt use the very absorbitantly expensive ‘stamens of the crocuses’ in dollops with no reservations.”
- “Thou shalt have gay friends decorate entire two acres of backyard with lanterns and torches for a dinner for two.”
- “Thou shalt not need to be home when rarely seen husband arrives for dinner. Leaving post-its written with super size Sharpies will instruct said spouse on how to reheat meal.”
Forgot to add: and I, too, looooove Ina.
One shalt always remember to use dry oregeno because fresh oregano is simply to strong and overpowering. All one must do is crush thy dried oregano in one’s hands to release the natural oils.
How bad can that be? Giggle giggle…do it or die.
Thou shalt not praise Julia Child for she finds Italian food too simple to prepare. (That is what thou must adore most about Italian cuisine!)
Thou shalt refer to anything with seafood and herbs as “provencal” even if it is just sauteed fish.
Thou shall always use striped tablecloths and all white dishes for a formal yet comfortable setting.
Thou shall always use silver serving bowls for liquids.
Thou shall only patronize specific shops in East Hampton.
I love Ina!
her refrigerator would have to smell terrible since she never covers anything she puts into the refrigerator
Thou shalt have the boss over to thy million dollar house for dinner and “surprise” him by serving only spaghetti and meatballs.
Thou shalt make sure when measuring a teaspoon of vanilla to fill said teaspoon to overflowing and let the extra slosh into the bowl.
Thou shalt repeat the same shows several times a month…..month after month….while thy is strolling around Paris.
Thou shalt take pause for a moment while talking, stirring or laughing to take short breaths between thy teeth.
Thou shalt lay spoons dripping with food right on the counter.
Thou shalt fill Chinese take-out containers with food and bring to a friend’s for a covered dish or food sharing fest.
Ina, we know you so well cause we love to watch you! Go Ina!
Color me stupid, but exactly what is the big deal about living in the Hamptons. Judging from what I see on her show, the place reminds me of a sophisticated version of Mayberry.
Thou shall wear the same damn shirt in 90 different colors.
And lets make sure that we only use good vanilla ect. (like we would use bad)
Thou shall only make an unreasonably small portion of whatever thou cooks, for there shall never be leftovers or second helpings.
Thou shall ALWAYS measure your ingredients to exact perfection even if its a dash of salt.
Thou shalt use a “siv” to sift together all dry ingredients.
Thou shalt inject “earthy” and “casual” into every other sentence.
Thou shalt impart obvious wisdom with phrases like “You can’t make carrot cake without carrots.”
Thou shalt always preface a dinner party by saying “Just when people are expecting something fancy, I like to serve something simple.”
Thou shalt always leave a store quickly before anyone asks you to pay anything.
When cooking with kids, always have them add arugula and goat cheese to their pizza, because kids LOVE arugula.
[...] the tea. I always laugh when Ina Garten says “use good (ingredient)…” but here I’m going to do the exact same thing. Make sure that you use good loose tea leaves. [...]
Thou shalt always open thy mouth nere but a smidgeon of an inch in order to sample thy bountiful meals. Thus, thou shalt not looketh like a very fat woman devouring food with unfathomed lust
Thou shall at all times call your own cooking fabulous.
Though shall only have fabulous friends and never regular people.
Sadly, I assume the cost of only using “good” ingredients in all the recipes necessitates the need to wear nothing but BIG shirts during the taping of every episode. It must be the new “Hampton chic” at all their dinner parties.
Thou shall not befriend little crippled children. Only your GAY freinds
Thou shalt always cover one’s mouth with one’s fingers when tasting one’s food, lest one’s viewer’s know one is eating. Thou shalt grunt “Um” then describe the food while still chewing.
Thou shalt say “fantastic” for no apparent reason at all at least six times per episode.
[...] feel very Ina Garten from Barefoot Contessa for saying you need GOOD balsamic, but it’s true. I have my every day balsamic that [...]