General: Food Network »
If I Ran The Food Network…
 |
If I Ran The Food Network
(A little Friday afternoon ditty by Jillian Madison)
If I ran the Food Network, this is what I’d do:
I’d fire Guy Fieri, Noah Starr, and Aaron, too
Aida Mollenkamp and Tyler F would get the boot
So some people with some talent could then make their grand debut.
I’d make Ms. De Laurentiis cover up her giant boobs
Then I’d ban Ms. Deen from ever talking ’bout her poop
Rachael Ray would never make another batch of stoup
And you’d only see a cake challenge show once in a blue moon
I’d ask Ellie to cook a meal for once without grapefruit
And then I’d tell Kermit Burrell: ”stop talking ’bout BROWN FOOD”
All of the hosts would close their mouths and more politely chew
As my old friend Lisa Krueger sat there polishing our shoes.
The Neelys would stop talking ’bout how they love knockin’ boots
And the Next Food Network Finalists would all know how to make roux
Bobby Flay is lame and Sandra Lee has not a clue
So I’d hire some fun chefs who actually know how to cook food
This is but a wish of mine that never will come true
Tushman is a greedy guy with a moronic crew
The Food Network’s become a joke, there’s nothing we can do
So I’ll just sit tight, and cringe, and sigh, and through this crap sit through.
So let’s hear it – what would YOU do if you ran the Food Network? Who would you fire? What would you do differently?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Food Network Anagrams---Top 10 Ways The Food Network Can Save Money
---Food Network Gets 10 Daytime Emmy Nominations
---New Food Network Show Idea #1
---Food Network Chefs: You’re Under Arrest
- General: Food Network
Filed Under
Post your comments
HELP US PAY THE BILLS!
If you enjoy the content on Food Network Humor and would like to help me pay the website bills, please use the "donate" option below. Any amount is greatly appreciated.
Thank you! -Jill
LISTEN TO THE LATEST PODCAST: Episode 20
THIS WEEK: Another tailgating weekend! Alex G's onion rings, an awful slow cooker experience, Ina & Jeffrey Garten's lame steak throwdown, Jennifer Hudson's annoying Weight Watchers commercial, Restaurant Impossible's cheap makeovers, and more.
Categories
- Best Of FNH (91)
- Closed Captions (20)
- FN on Facebook (5)
- FNH Google Search Terms (6)
- FNH Interviews (1)
- FNH Podcast (20)
- FNH Voicemails (1)
- Food Fight (5)
- Food Network Hosts (853)
- Aaron McCargo Jr (13)
- Adam Gertler (2)
- Aida Mollenkamp (6)
- Alex Guarnaschelli (5)
- Alton Brown (29)
- Anne Burrell (30)
- Bobby Flay (41)
- Claire Robinson (10)
- Dave Lieberman (1)
- Duff Goldman/Mary Alice (30)
- Giada De Laurentiis (65)
- Guy Fieri (150)
- Ina Garten (77)
- Ingrid Hoffman (2)
- Paula Deen (138)
- Rachael Ray (112)
- Sandra Lee (143)
- Sunny Anderson (7)
- The Neelys (4)
- Tyler Florence (13)
- Foodie of the Week (1)
- General: Food Humor (107)
- General: Food Network (489)
- Letters To FNH (33)
- Lists (33)
- New Rules (3)
- Next Food Network Star (80)
- Next Iron Chef (18)
- Numbers in the News (2)
- Open Thread (6)
- Reader Submitted Posts (28)
- SHOW SWAP (1)
- Things We Hate (11)
- Twitter Conversations (34)
- Uncategorized (1)
- Worst Cooks In America (6)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
MORE POPHANGOVER WEBSITES:
|
|
Contact FNH The PH Creators |
We are not affiliated with the Food Network, or any of their hosts, in any way. This is a satire, humor, and parody website.
(c) 2011 Food Network Humor - All Rights Reserved
44 Responses
Alton Brown and Nigella Lawson.
24/7/365
And demote Susie Fogleson to the Food Network cafeteria. Put a hair net and a polyester smock on her, and make her dole out tater tots.
24/7/365
I’d fire Giada for lying about being a “chef”.
I’d fire Fieri for being a douchebag.
I’d fire Sunny Anderson for failing a drug test.
I’d fire pretty much all the Iron Chef judges, except Steingarten.
I’d fire Gina Neely and Aaron Mcargo and replace them with real cooks.
What would I do differently ? Total overhaul. Concentrate programming on the over 30 crowd. People who deeply appreciate food.
I would give Brownwyn Weber her own show because she’s so damn cute and talented.
I would fire Marc Summers’ script writer.
I would require all employees of Charm City Cakes to submit to monthy drug testing.
I would completely ban Food Network Challenges and Unwrapped. Those are the worst shows on the network. Then I’d cancel Ask Aida, Diners Drive-ins and Dives, and Big Daddy’s house because they are simply awful.
Time to shift back to the food!
I’d make the FN hosts wear clothes that fit, so I’d never have to be exposed to Rachael Ray’s pancake boobs, or get intimate with Anne burrell’s spare tire, ever again.
Cancel Ace of Cakes and fire that fake assed Sunny Anderson.
Your ideas sound fine to me–so when are you taking over? I cut my teeth, so to speak, on Julia Child,Joyce Chen and Jacques Pepin on T.V. I was also a fan of James Beard. If you could come up with cooks/chefs of their caliber to add to the ones you’re keeping we would have a really great station. Maybe you could get Emeril back.
I’m with Sara. As much as Anne B. seems like a nice woman and I don’t typically knock women’s sizes, she is making herself look about 20 lbs heavier with those outfits. Some of the material she wears would make a thin girl look chunky.
I would not only fire everyone from Ace of Cakes, I would kick each of them in the pants for every time I had to listen to one of them…speak…in…slow…sentences…because they apparently think it makes them sound infinitely wittier than they are.
And as much as I figure everyone is going to disagree with me, I would keep the Food Network Challenges although they have gotten lamer recently…blind date cake challenge, anyone. Gag!
I would also fire Giada, Michael Symon, Alex Guarnasche-whatever, the Neelys, Aida, Aaron McCargo, Adam Gertler, Danny Boome and Rachel Ray.
For starters…
*Forcibly switch the respective “posse’s” of Ina Garten and Guy Fee-Etti and make them continue the same formats with their “new crews”
*Bring Bourdain back in another ‘Round the World trekking show highlighting various regional cuisines amidst snarky commentary…sound too familiar and tired(?)…alrighty then, we add Aunt Saggy to the show as his sidekick and make him promise not to kill her. To keep Tony from quitting on the spot we include a clause in the contract that states every time Aunt Saggy fucks up she has to immediately go down on the Marlboro Man…should help ratings and keep Bourdain pre-occupied for awhile
*Premier a new FN show “Friday Night Cockfight” starring Tyler Florence and Andrew Zimmern…whose cocque will reign supreme?!?
*Giaggly DeLaurentiis now performs topless (I know…she sorta already does anyways) and Cap’n Michael is her new sidekick…a counter at the bottom of the screen increments for every time he is caught ogling “the twins”…an Over/Under is established for boob watching at the beginning of each show. At the end of the show, winners are provided an autographed bag of Captain Michaels “Full Steamer Ahead” gourmet coffee and losers are provided a soiled pair of Pauler’s skidmarked panties…from her driveway, to yurs, ya’ll!
More Changes…
*A new Series “Aluminum Chef” where culinary challengers will take on the likes of Aaron McCargo, Aunt Saggy & Rachel Ray
*Ban e-bonics from the FN…so, Aaron & The Squealy’s…buh bye
*Ban white stiffs for-evah(!!)…aloha Mark Summers and Tyler Florence
*Force Aunt Saggy to re-create her Kwanzaa cake on Sunny Anderson’s new show “How’d that white bitch get on my set?”
*Demand that Michael Chiarello share that goddamn cocaine he’s obviously always snorting just prior to filming!
Promote Jamie Oliver, and give him a new pair of pants as a signing bonus.
And double everything from the last post, it’s brilliant.
Jamie Oliver? Where is he on FN?? I don’t remember seeing him…..
Friday mornings @ 9:30. He’s my favorite; who else can cook atop his backyard leaf pile and make the food look sooooooo yummy I want to cry?
does anyone check out PBS on Saturdays? their food shows KICK foodnetwork’s shows. Diary of a foodie…Ming-East meets west.
Hmmm, Ming Tsai vs. Chris Kimball in a challenge …
Thanks, Tatiana. I’ll check it out. And to Mercer: I watch PBS on Saturday a.m. all the time. Quality cooking shows and none of the crap-ola. It’s great! Lydia, Ming, Yan, America’s Test Kitchen, among others. AND NO FREAKIN COMMERICALS!!
If I ran FN, I’d put ME on. I don’t do
sorry….don’t do tablescapes, drugs, open jars, cans and packages just to make a meal and my boobs are covered up. I can chop, mince, saute, barbeque (I use a smoker); I can make breads, pasta, soup (NOT STOUP). I can bone a chicken, make stocks of all kinds….so, what else do you have to have to do a COOKING SHOW???
More new FN Series Ideas (since you asked!)…
*Cookin’ FARGO Style! – contestants compete on an ice lake and have one hour to create a gourmet meal using only a hatchet and half an elk carcass…the winner gets to feed Bob Tuschman into the wood chipper (does that kinda mean that we ALL win??)
*Escape from NASCAR-Land – Ina, Jeffrey and “friends” are taken out of their Hamptons bubble and dropped into a deep fry restaurant just outside a NASCAR track on race day sporting only pink Cowgirl hats and ass-less chaps…will they survive??
*Paula’s Poopy Party – 2 contestants are lined up against a wall and a nude Paula Deen flounces out from stage left, squats and begins projectile pooping trying to splay our unfortunate contestants with her gourmet feces. The “winner” is summarily dipped in butter, tied to a stake and forced to endure an hour’s worth of Gina Neely, Paula and Bubba all nude and greased up (although Bubba is sporting a Batman cape and a bullwhip) frolicking around our contestant in a circle whilst Tina Turner’s “Beast of Burden” is cycled continuously, without end.
Why not add some game shows?
SANDRA LEE’S $100,000 PYRAMID:
Contestant: Um, tequila, scotch, bourbon, vokda
Sanda: What I had for breakfast! (ding, ding!)
PAULA DEEN’S FAMILY FEUD:
Paula, Bobby, Jaime, Michael and Baby Jack against all the other Deens…they’ll never run out of contestants who love to be on TV
THE PRICE IS RIGHT WITH INA GARTEN:
Ina: “And how much do you think this organic, Tahitian vanilla scented rock sugar goes for?”
GIADA’S JEOPARDY:
Guest: “What is marscapone?”
Giada: “Sorry, the correct answer is ‘What is Maaarscahhhhpohhhhnehh?’.”
Alton Brown rules the world.
The Brits have had a couple of very successful celebrity-interview/food shows. I’d like to see this done on Food TV but it has to be done the way the Brits do it. Real chefs (not celebrity chefs) cook alongside celebrities (I saw an episode of something I think called “Ready Steady Cook” with David Tennant and his father each paired up with a non-vocal chef in a cooking contest and it was hysterical and engaging and in the end the cooking interesting as Tennant Sr talked about the upbringing of his son and the chefs demonstrated some useful techniques both for the guests and for the viewing audience.)
I’d create new show featuring myself, because I’m tremendously original and witty. Everyone’s envious of my scary talent, don’t cha know.
Yeah, I’d mercilessly mock the hapless contestants as if I were Simon Cowell (he’s my idol!), and denigrate those audience members that earn less money than I, or who hold what I consider to be menial jobs. Very classy! That’s how I roll. Yeah baby, yeah!
I’d keep Alton Brown and Robert Irvine and fire the entire Ace of Cakes staff, Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee, The Neelys, Giada, Pauler and Guy Fieri.
After I fired Fieri, I would take a pair of clippers and buzz all his bleached blond hair off then take some scissors and cut his sweatbands into pieces.
I would reformat the entire network and get some really good chefs to do decent cooking shows. PBS does have some great chefs on Sat. Graham Kerr is/was one of my favorites.
very nicely done, but what would become of FNH if it all went down like that?
/rhetorical
HeWhoseNameMustNotBeSpoken you are a genius! I love your demented ideas!
Jill– the only disagreement I have with you is you must keep Tyler. Although he always calls his complex recipes “easy”, at least he’s cooking real food and not made up stoups and sammies!
I do agree with the previous posts about PBS’s saturday am shows. They are 10x better than FN! Faves of mine are Jose Made in Spain and Diary of a Foodie. FN needs to focus more on hiring talent instead of personality.. there is too much quirky personality and not enough real cooking going on.
FIRE ALL THE DEENS !!!!! IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY FIRE THE DEENS !!!
Can Sunny, Guy, McCargo and Sandy, no more cake shows, cake challenges, and less challenge shows altogether. No more Food Network Stars. No more people gorging themselves in the name of entertainment.
Limit time for all the rest of the regulars to one show each and never make Bobby Flay have to Throwdown again.
Beg Sara Moulton to come back and do an interactive show.
Asian cooking show – get one.
Do not bring back Emeril. He had his time and still does on Fine Living.
Create shows to focus on great restaurants and the people who make them great instead of guys who run diners and make giant omelettes or crazy huge burritos.
Steal Lidia and America’s Test Kitchen from PBS to give the network some credibility again.
Did I mention to fire Guy Fieri?
@Eva – Brilliant!
I had another idea for navigating FN back from the abyss, however, I fear the change suggested may leave FN Stars no maneuvering room…anyway, here’s my idea without further delay:
(Imagine this posted to the FN Studios breakroom wall)
POSTED: AS FOOD NETWORK HAS RECENTLY COME UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT, THERE WILL BE SOME BROAD CHANGES THAT WILL BE IN EFFECT FOR ALL CURRENT AND FUTURE PROGRAMS…AS OF THIS DAY, WE, THE “NEW” FN MANAGEMENT HAVE DECLARED THE FOLLOWING WORDS, CLICHES, CATCH-PHRASES, AD NAUSEUM AS FORBIDDEN TO BE USED ON THE AIR AT ANYTIME, ANYWHERE…TRANSGRESSERS WILL BE IMMEDIATELY REMOVED FROM THEIR FOOD NETWORK CONTRACT AND SUMMARILY FORCED TO BATHE AND LATHER GUY FIERI UNTIL THE POINT WHERE WE OURSELVES HAVE BECOME TOO SICKENED FOR THE PUNISHMENT TO CONTINUE
The following are now forbidden on the FN:
“Bad Boys”
“Off the x (hook, chain, et al.)”
“How x (great, cool, et al.) is that?!”
Any sexual innuendos or double entendres from anyone claiming residence within the State of Tennessee
“Tablescape”
“Are you ready for a Throwdown?”
“Ya’ll”
Any body jokes referencing either foeces or urine (or both), particularly if they are in reference to yourself while you are doing a cooking show and slopping your “pooey” hands around in the primordial goo that you intend to serve your audience (vitcims) later that same day while you regale them with your yarns about how you self-fertilize your own driveway with gourmet mexican mudslide
I would love to hear more ideas for ThoseWordsWhichMustNeverAgainBeSpoken on the FN? Anyone?? Buehler??
I would fire Anne Burrell for describing a ham and cheese sandwich as “hammy and cheesy.”
I would fire Aida Mollenkamp for describing vegetables as full of “veggie goodness.”
I would fire any writer who put those words in their mouths.
This site is great! I found it last night and spent until about 4 o’clock this morning reading all the posts. Now I’m going through the comments. It’s unreal how every single peeve I have seems to be universal.
One person is missing, however. I haven’t seen a single mention of Robin Miller. I LOVE watching Quick Fix Meals because the entire time I’m watching it all I can think of her poor family and the horrible food she’s so proud of feeding them. Three nights a week.
Every time I watch it I think of the movie Frenzy. You know, the long suffering police inspector with the “gourmet cook” wife who serves him disgusting concoctions.
I bet her husband takes the boys out to McDonald’s every chance he gets.
Adding to HEWHOSENAMESHOULDNOTBEMENTIONed…I would like a check for $500 every time Sunny says “oh man”…ugh, I could puke. Don’t get me started on The Neely’s – “sugaa”…it’s S U G A R. Say it correctly!
They used to have a 30-minute show where a little-known chef would come in and make a dish he/she was famous for. It was very bare bones, but very informative and it’s where I first saw Tyler Florence (and got annoyed by his constant mmmkay?).
I figure you can outfit a tractor trailer into a rolling studio kitchen and take it from city to city, getting the top four or five chefs in each city to come in and make a dish while the cameras roll. Then the ones that are good you bring to NYC and have them make four or five more dishes. The ones that pan out, you offer them a show. In the meantime, you have a huge library of chefs from around the country making dishes they’re famous for.
Also, do they still own the rights to The Galloping Gourmet, Two Fat Ladies, etc.? You know, the good shows they used to air 10-years ago when I fell in love with Food network? Putting those back on would be nice.
Or why not create a Food Network Classic or Food Network Gourmet or Food Network Elite cable channel that is geared towards people who don’t get their spices from foil pouches and don’t expect every recipe for soup to start with “open a can of soup.”
Stixx, I loved the G-Gourmet (Graham Kerr is still alive and well and has a great website) and Two Fat ladies (one of them died, I think it was Clarisa). I love your ideas. IF there were qualified peeps running the FN, they probably could make that happen, but we’re dealing with morons. So don’t hold your breath. By the way, do you remember the Frugal Gourmet??
I absolutely remember Jeff Smith. “Hot pan, cold oil, food no stick!”
Kind of a shame what happened to his reputation. For that reason, I think we’ll never see reruns of his show. Which is a shame.
I had no idea Jeff Smith had been accused of sexual harassment nor that he had died. That’s a shame, really. I enjoyed his shows. When you mentioned the Two Fat Ladies I had to see them as it had been a long, long time. So I bought the dvd collection and started watching them this past weekend. They truly are a hoot! And to date, they have only used two electric appliances (a standard blender and a emulsion blender). Everything else they do by hand. Now that’s cooking in my book. Not to mention the dishes they prepare are marvelous.
I like the idea of a FN Classic station. Galloping Gourmet goes way back to the early 70′s, filmed in Canada. Graham Kerr used to chug copious amounts of wine during the show and you could tell he was getting tuned up.
He always concluded his show by sitting down, assessing what he had made and proceeded into eating it having himself his own little foodgasm with each bite he took. He alway grabbed a guest out of the audience to share at the shows closing. Hilarious to watch, good recipes. This was before he was reborn and declared war on fat and cholesterol.
Jeff Smith died a few years ago from heart failure. His shows were pulled from PBS probably never to seen again due to the accusations of sexually molesting young boys. Nothing was ever proven.The Frugal Gourmet was one the best cooking shows ever filmed.
Does anybody remember Justin Wilson, the cajun story-telling chef? He was a true gem! “I’m so happy for you to see me”! He told the funniest of stories and cooked some amazing cajun dishes! “I gar-on-tee!”.
I remember Justin Wilson, I watched him every chance I got I even watched re-runs. Do you remember Joyce Chen? Her cooking was so good and easy to follow. Of course there was Theonie and her Greek cooking. Of course there was Julia Child and Jacques Pepin.
I remember her name (Joyce Chen) but I can’t remember having seen her. I have no idea who Theonie is/was. Julia Child? She is my absolute NUMBER ONE REASON I love to cook. A true lady with a great show, educational and fun (and funny at times)! I was lucky enough to have been at the Smithsonian where her actual kitchen is displayed. I was in awe. Nothing fancy, just painted peg board with hooks for her gear, painted cabinets and a kitchen table. Jacques Pepin is still on PBS. He’s also a real pro and you can gleen alot from watching him.
It is sad about Jeff Smith. I really don’t know what to think about the allegations, but I do know that he is single-handedly responsible for turning me into a foodie. And for that I am eternally grateful.
Byrdie, it was Jennifer who died, from Two Fat Ladies, she was the older of the two with the dark hair, and she drove the motorbike. Clarissa, last I heard, was opening a book shop in Scotland. She said she could never have another cooking show without Jennifer. I truly miss that show, a real gem. The Galloping Gourmet, the original one from the 70s was my first, and for a long time, favorite. Graham Kerr would get tipsy, and sometimes his food would not turn out picture perfect, especially his desserts, but they always look yummy to me. I think I still use some of his methods when I cook. Mostly the wine going into the chef.
There is only one thing that I would really do. I would can that What Would Brian Boitano cook show and replace it with the real person that I think should have won last years The next food network star,Kelsey Nixon.
I would make Giada and nigella go topless every show, I would hire a hitman to blow up those a-holes who run food network , and I would let the contestants on next food network star to punch bobby flay and the rest of the arrogant a-hole judges who unfairly criticize them right in the face and kick their ass. Bring back A.B. because he actually cooks real food and dont draw on your plate and explains why stuff happens, I would make rachel ray and paula dean have a fight to the death and would like to see gina neely get freaky on their show. I would like to see guy fieri crash his camaro into another car because he is looking at the camera instead of driving, and definitely get rid of ina garten and all her gay rich friends in the snooty hamptons and get somebody we can relate to, not her and her big shot lawyer husband, and I wish everyone would stop making fun of Giada, she is the hottest women on the network and she can cook and she wears low cut tops to attract her male audience(me included) and she has admitted it and if it works, who am I to argue.