Alton Brown »
All Hail Alton Brown: Punchable Genius
Published on: June 10, 2009 – 10:31 am by FNH Guest Blogger 
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Last night, the wife and I were craving some red meat. So, my wife suggested that I “Alton Brown” some steaks, thanks to the cooking method we learned on Alton’s show, “Good Eats.” You know someone has made an impact on your life when you use their name as a verb, and Alton Brown has provided my wife and I with nearly all of the food knowledge that we can ever hope to have. The guy knows his stuff . . . And man oh man, does he know it.
While possessing a freakish amount of food-telligence, it’s safe to say that Alton Brown may be the most insufferable human being alive. 
Not since Burt Reynolds’ peak in the 70s has our country been a fan of someone so smug and dickish.
A perfect example is the picture to my left, which encapsulates my complex feelings towards Alton: My first instinct is to punt the guy for smirking while holding a fish (who else does that?), but then I remember that I like fish and Alton can tell me how to cook fish properly so YUMMY! Damn you Alton, you pompously super-smart bastard.
Alton Brown’s the kind of guy that will say “of course” shortly before telling you something that no one else knows. (He’s especially bad about this on ‘Iron Chef America.’) He’s prone to making pronouncements like “Of course, many regions of France have variants of coq au vin using the local wine, such as coq au vin jaune, coq au Riesling, coq au Champagne, and so on.” Oh, BUT OF COURSE! In Alton’s world, everyone spent their childhood studying the vagaries of French cuisine, and didn’t engage in bourgeouis contrivances like “going outside” or “playing.”
While Alton probably cares not for thoughts of us wee commoners, we, The Foodie Public, can’t stay mad at him. How else would we know about proper freezer organization, or how skirt steak can be cooked directly on charcoal briquettes for a charred-yet-smoky flavor? Who else is going to teach us this stuff, Sandra “smush some Cheezits, sprinkle them on some Little Debbies, and now you’re a cook” Lee? BAH! To reiterate: BAH!
Alton, we just can’t quit you, even though we wouldn’t mind kicking your ass. In the meantime, we’ll have to use crude Photoshops to satisfy our revenge fantasies, like this one I made myself:
TAKE THAT, ALTON!
[Jesse Perry is a standup comic and writer living in Nashville, TN. He is the editor of MangyDog.com.]
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Dear Alton Brown, The Internet Is Worried About You---Whoa, Alton Brown Is SKINNY
---Alton Brown, Upon Finding Someone Drank The Last Of His Welch’s Grape Juice
---Alton Brown Celebrating 10 Years Of “Good Eats” With Live Shows
---The Story Of One Fan’s Ridiculous Alton Brown Encounter
Jesshhhe very funny post.
Love,
The Cornish
PS Check your local grocer’s freezer today.
Well.
He may indeed come off as “smug and dickish” at times on TV…but I can tell you, having met the man, that he is deeply, genuinely kind and very passionate about teaching. His overall demeanor may come off as slightly abrasive, but you’re right…he knows his stuff and that is how he gains our respect. Maybe he can’t suffer fools as we can’t suffer smart-asses. *shrug*
Alton Brown taught me *how* to cook, not *what* to cook, like so many other FN “dump and stir” shows. He gave me the tools I need to know what will work in what kind of recipe, for the result I want to achieve. Had it not been for “Good Eats,” I would be pretty mediocre in the kitchen. Oh, I’m sure I could make all the standard stuff, but I wouldn’t have known how to make my food really stand-out delicious.
I (heart) Alton Brown; he’s done a world of good for my abilities in the kitchen and also my self-esteem. Thank you, Alton Brown!
Alton is a bright, talented guy. However, he would be nothing and his show likely would not exist if it were not for one Harold McGee. Harold wrote the seminal book “On Food and Cooking” in 1984 which made food science a mainstream subject. I was lucky enough to receive a copy for XMas shortly after it came out.
It was apparent from the first episode of Good Eats that Alton had decided to create a show that presented McGee’s material in an approachable fashion through the use of theater. Alton managed to make it a hit; something not just anyone could have pulled off. The show has grown nicely and I have learned a great deal from watching it. I believe I have seen every episode, although I’ve never managed to lose my dislike of the theme music.
I was honored to have my bacon curing and smoking recipe share a web page with Alton’s once upon a time. Sadly, the web site no longer exists.
Last, and far from least, my late father — God rest his soul — was named Alton, as is my teenage son (named after his grandfather, not Mr. Brown of course… that would be creepy).
Rich
I find his bookishness part of his charm. He ain’t Guy Fieri, and I’m thankful for that. Good Eats has been a staple at our house for years, and he deserves the credit for making our kids interested in food and cooking. My daughter makes great casseroles using the Tonight Show format, and you can’t say that for any other show.
I totally agree. Alton Brown is my most favorite!!! Every recipe I have made of his has turned out delicious.
I, too, find him smug and dickish, especially on TNFNS. Could he BE any more superior?
Yeah well, if he’s so smart why can’t he pronounce ‘chard’ correctly? It’s CHard, dickhead, not SHard. You don’t call that long green herb thing SHives, do you? I also wonder what Kevin BrauCH thinks about the way he pronounces his name. Now, after all this anger, I should go to SHurSH and repent.
I like Alton, but he says “UHH” every 5 seconds and it drives me crazy.
Seriously. Concentrate on his speech for 5 minutes straight, and you’ll hear it. Once you do, it will be all you’ll notice.
I wonder how many people realize this is a humor blog?
Now wait a minute Ina is the most insufferable, or perhaps Kerry Vincent.
No matter what, AB is tops in my book. I don’t know as an actual FACT, but “Good Eats” has been on FN for a long time, perhaps the longest consecutive running on FN. That has to account for something. His manner of teaching is very effective and entertaining at the same time. No show on FN comes close to being as vital as his. I mean, where else could you possibly see a giant popcorn kernel up close and personal?? “Good Eats” may not be perfect (what is?) and he may be knowledgeable (few are) but I will continue to watch and enjoy. I’ll take him snooty, brash, or any other way.
Having grown up a bookish geek, I appreciate Alton’s essential geekishness. If he sometimes puts his neuroses on display, well … don’t we all from time to time? Let’s face it. He wouldn’t be nearly as much fun otherwise.
Wow, that was really bad…I’m more than happy having only Jillian posts.
Having met Alton several times, I can tell you he is a warm, friendly and charming man. He is extremely gracious to his fans.
The intelligence factor of his shows is what made me a fan and continues to keep me tuning in.
I’m a confessed uber-nerd about things that interest me, so you may take me with a grain of salt, but I’ve never found Alton Brown to be smug or dickish. Yeah, “Good Eats” can get a little neurotic at times, but that’s part of its charm. As someone who also has a high level of very specialized knowledge in a particular field, I get super-happy when I can ramble about things I love. That’s what I’ve always sensed from AB: enthusiasm and dorkiness, the “Look, isn’t this cool?!” of a kid who’s talking about his favorite comic book. And at least he has the knowledge to back himself up, unlike Rachael Ray, who IS smug and condescending without any of the culinary know-how.
And about the chard thing: Merriam-Webster does say it’s “CHard” but I’ve heard it pronounced in Britain quite often as “SHard.” If I may go a little Alton for a moment, I’d say it’s because the word derives from the French “chardon” which most definitely has a “sh” sound.
Alton is one of my favorites too (he only lives a mile or so from me) but Jesse, that was a hilarious article! Please write some more.
I adore Alton and I love (and appreciate) his nerdy, snarky personality. I have never viewed him as being rude or snobbish, but I also don’t believe that he would suffer fools gladly. And why should he? Fools deserve all the derision that can be lobbed in their general vicinity. And they would never get the joke, any way. (But I may be a tad bit biased, since I would likely be trading intellectual barbs with AB.)
OK, you’ve convinced me, Megan (and Walter), I guess it is all part of his SHarm. Ah, if only he were BritiCH.
No, seriously, I love his CHow..
If you were on the food network and had THOSE people as colleagues who are pompous buffoons without any justification,wouldn’t you exercise your supiority?
I have learned so much watching Alton. The swiss steak recipe he has is to die for. It has become a staple in my kitchen ever since I saw him make it. I love to watch Alton, as he really seems to want to teach us the art of cooking. Good Eats is an awesome show and one of my favorites
I too am a fan of AB. He’s my go to for anything new to me. I really enjoyed his program on Baklava. However, I think my recipe for Baklava is better.I’ve been making it for over thirty years (and tweaking it for the first twenty-five) I think I’ve got it right by now.
“I, too, find him smug and dickish, especially on TNFNS. Could he BE any more superior?”
Actually, no. It is not possible for AB to be any more superior to everyone else on that show.
“I, too, find him smug and dickish, especially on TNFNS. Could he BE any more superior?”
Um…he IS superior to everyone on that show!
I find it amusing that as smart as he is, he makes lots of mistakes while doing his Iron Chef commentary. I find myself correcting him all the time. Which of course makes me feel uber superior.
“I wonder how many people realize this is a humor blog?”
THANK YOu, Walter Cornish! AB is my idol, and the ONLY reason I watch Food Network anymore–and I thought this article was hilarious! I bet he’d be amused by it too; he may be neurotic in the kitchen, but I’d be willing to bet he’s the kind of chap who can laugh at himself off the set.
I think the reason people failed to recognise this as a humour blog is because that post wasn’t very funny.
Might want to work on that.
^This.
Alton Brown is intelligent, interesting, informative, informed! My take on Alton Brown at the new Food Network star dinner was that he appeared to be really embarrassed to be in that situation and uncomfortable in the company of so many phonies and hypocrits, ie. Susie Fogelson and Bob T. Also, perhaps the embarrassment of knowing what a hoax it was caused him to appear to be in pain. I just discovered this webite, hooray and thank you!
Alton is still among my favorite. I do learn a lot from his show… but I think I can feel where you’re coming from here. :D
Alton Brown is an intelligent and cool guy in a nerdy kinda way. I really enjoy watching his show and learning something new. It’s almost like watching the History channel.
People, people……….. sheyot……. I thought this post was hilarious! Punch that smirk off that pork chop! Funny stuff! Lovin every minute of it!
I saw him live once. He carried in boxes.
By definition ANY star.. carrying something IN is a good guy.
Whoever you are jerk.. go eff yourself.
I on the other hand AM an a-hole.. but i defend to the death those who are maligned as being a-holes.
Alton is clearly funny, intelligent, interesting, non-mainstream, rebellious, creative.
a minor god.
Fck off
Chard – is pronounced “SHARD”. Swiss speak French. French say “CH” as “SH” like cat (chat) and chardonnay is “Shardonnay” not “CHARardonnay”. Some american dictionaries get is wrong, but of course we’re all used to that by now.
Chitheads.
I am also an AB fan. Where doe he live? East or West Coast?
I agree with all those who say that this article is not funny. A joke always begins with a kernel of truth, and the writer is WAY off about Alton Brown’s personality.
AB lives in Georgia, near Atlanta I believe.