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The Ten Commandments Of Money Saving Meals
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Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of hallucinatory thrift, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Sandra Lee’s Money Saving Meals.
I. Thou shalt only offer useless, obvious money saving tips to thy loyal viewers.
II. Thou shalt mention “store brands are cheaper than name brands” at least once per episode.
III. Thou shalt only prepare tiny meals that wouldn’t fill a sparrow’s belly.
IV. Thou shalt always match the color of thy outfit to the color of thy’s background props.
V. Thou shalt utilize imaginary, fantasyland math when calculating the cost of thy’s prepared meals.
VI. Thou shalt keep a minimum of twenty apples in a bowl at all times, to give the false appearance thy prepareth healthy meals.
VII. Thou shalt advocate “buying in season” at least 3 times per episode.
VIII. Thou shalt be a hypocrite, and never follow through with “practicing what thy preaches.”
IX. Thou shalt play loud, cheesy background music as often as possible.
X. Thou shalt only wear shirts with swooping necklines that show off thy’s freckled, sun damaged chest.
(Be sure to add your Money Saving Meals Commandments in the comments section!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
---Sandra Lee’s Money Saving Meals: FNH Review
---The Ten Commandments Of Paula Deen
---SANDRA’S MONEY SAVING MEALS: Coming Soon
- General: Food Network
- Sandra Lee
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27 Responses
Thou shalt have a Pantry Fairy to provide all of those ingredients that, miraculously, do not get figured into the cost of a dish.
Thou shalt sport boring, dull make up and hairstyles to giveth the false impression that you are just one of the broketh ones.
Thou shalt promote disgusting “Second Chance” dishes such as Spaghetti calzones. (still retching from that one.)
Thou shalt promote the use of bottled juice instead of squeezing lemons or limes.
Thou shalt use the caps to bottles to measure out the ingredients.
Thou shalt use extravagant cookware and appliances with a cost larger than the budgets of some small countries to prepare money saving meals.
Thou shalt completely contradict everything endorsed on Semi-Homemade (Then: pre-chopped onions = awesome! Now: pre-chopped onions = bad and expensive!)
Thou shalt swill more pure grain alcohol during commercial breaks.
Viewers shalt swill thy grain alcohol jello shots (as thou art lightweights compared to thine Aunty Sandy) as long as thine show endureth.
On what planet does fresh pasta cost $5.60? Granted, I live in Colorado Springs and shop at a military commissary, but STILL. Unless you’re shopping at the most expensive store in NYC, fresh pasta wouldn’t cost THAT much. For that matter, if she really wants to save me money, why not teach me how to make my OWN fresh pasta!
Fresh pasta at a grocery store is typically overpriced and therefore very expensive. I guess because the perception is that fresh is considered “gourmet”. Who the hell knows, but it is way overpriced.
Now, as far as Aunt (hic)(burrrp) Sandy teaching how to make homemade pasta….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. You can’t teach something you can’t do…HAHAHAHAAHA…phew, that was too funny…
Yeah…what was I thinking?! Teaching me to make fresh pasta would actually be teaching me how to COOK!
Oh, Aunt Sandy…when will you ever realize that cooking requires real food…
FoodieOne, just buy a hand crank pasta maker (not some electric machine thing), and have at it! It’s not difficult, just takes a bit of practice of what works and what doesn’t. You’ll have fun doing it, too. Lydia Bastianich (usually on a PBS channel) makes pasta all the time. Maybe you can catch her show and pick up some pointers. Have fun!!
Thou shalt have thy viewer believe that Aunt Sandy really and truly-duly shops at the market when the cameras are not rolling.
Byrdie, your second post really cracked me up. Now that’s funny.
I’m baffled by this show. Everything Sandra ever “taught”–I use that term so loosely it wouldn’t even hang onto an elephant–about using prechopped, premade, and spending a little more to make it easy is thrown away for another bid at FN fame. Not saying I agreed with her first program but can we get a little continuity, please? I’m ready for her next show, “Let’s Sit in a Dirty Lawnchair with 1/3 of Warm Vodka and Watch Bobby Flay Cook Peppers.”
“Let’s Sit in a Dirty Lawnchair with 1/3 of Warm Vodka and Watch Bobby Flay Cook Peppers.”
LMAO
Can you imagine what that would have been like, to have had Aunt Sandy as one of Bobby Flay’s “assistants?”
The horror.
A repeat of her old show is on right now. She’s in full-fledged Aunt Sandy mode with Brycer. I’m laughing at the curtains hanging over the “window”. The valance looks like Wonder Bread bags that have been sewn together.
Thou shalt infuse as much sugar and sodium as possible into thy dishes.
My favorite moron moment of this episode is where she punches a hole in the cake to hold the bottle of soda. A combination cake/cupholder! This must have been a real drunken-inspired idea on Aunt Sandy’s part.
I just finished watching the same episode, all I can do is stare, shiver and wince at the site. Even my dog would dry-heave at A)The smell of Rice Chex covered in Hershey’s syrup with 2 lbs of coco powder and sprinkles, WTF??
B)Tri-color pasta drowned in Caesar dressing. C)Fill-in-the-blank extract canned icing.
I do really feel for her nephews who are forced to humiliate themselves in front of national TV, but couldn’t they at least comb Brycer’s hair? Tatiana, I’m still choking on my coffee from laughing so hard at the bottle-of-soda-holder cake. Add that to the list of nightmares with “Hanukkah Cake” “Kwanza Cake” “Xmas Tree Cake” “Maypole Cake” “Italian Wedding Cake” etc.
Tatiana, awesome call on the toned down hair and makeup! It’s like she’s trying to make herself look like a character from The Grapes of Wrath!
What amuses me is how the Food Network cronies can gabble on about “integrity” on their NFNS show, and then give Sandy a new show in which she completely contradicts EVERYTHING she says on the other one (which is also still being produced). How is that integrity rather than talking out both sides of your mouth?
Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Acknowledge Any of Thine Other Tips on Thine Other Programming.
She looks a bit tipsy in the photo. Could be the makeup and hair are now super simple (ugh) because it’s hard to do when someone is nodding out from too much vodka. ha
She made her own caramel sauce today because she saved 60 cents — and she used coconut milk because it’s cheaper than cream.
Here’s an idea, Aunt Sandy: Use a knife to chop your onion (admittedly a new skill for you) instead of one of those $20 as-seen-on-TV veggie choppers!
But here’s what bugs me at the most basic level about this show… Has Sandra Lee EVER acknowledged that she used to tell people the total opposite of what she preaches now?
Thou shalt replace botox with natural expressions. Very cost effective!!
Thou shalt spend the money allocated for hair stylists and makeup artists on booze.
I think to truncate everything: to cook like Aunt Sandy, act like a drunken ho who dreams of hanging around fratboys.
While preparing Sandra’s super-special “Money Saving Meals”, you can still keep it simple, keep it sweet, keep it sloppy, keep it sloshy, keep it sleezy, keep it slutty, keep it stupid, keep the Smirnoff handy, and always, always keep it Semi-Homemade.
CherryRose,
That was hysterical, and I don’t mean Semi-Funny either!
Thou shalt replace proper English phrases, i.e. “I am going to” with “ahminna” as often as possible