Our site is called FoodNetworkHUMOR. We wrote “we are not associated with the Food Network” on every single page. And we have a photo of Paula Deen with a fake mustache in our header, for Pete’s sake. You’d think that would be enough to clue people in on the fact that WE ARE NOT THE FOOD NETWORK, right? Think again. Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some less cerebral internet users over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red.

(One thing is for sure: I have a new level of respect for whoever’s answering the PR e-mails at the Food Network.)

1. Ann wrote in saying:
“On one of his shows (his? could you be a little more specific?) about 2 weeks the one in the Bronx (was J-Lo in the episode?) who has a collision shop and added the eatery (naturally). Can you tell me where I can get the jacet (not sure what a jacet is, sorry). The jacet was dark blue with yellow stripes (sounds like a University of Michigan track jacket… try eBay) Can I buy that tape. Thank you Ann”

2. Paula wrote in saying:
“I love the food network but I am so sick of having to look at Giada’s boobs in my face. Its ridiculous and here lately I’ve just turned the TV off. The men may watch but the female audiance has had enough!!!! Tell her to put some clothes on!!!”
Paula, we agree. Apparently, the Food Network is trying to appeal to 12 year old boys and emasculated husbands. It’s obvious she only wears these skin tight, low cut beer wench tops to showcase her only talents in the kitchen.

3. Nena wrote in saying:
“This is to request information on the type counter top that is in Paula Deen’s kitchen in her home in Savannah. Is it black marble or another type surface? I am renovating and want to get a black marble look for a countertop but no one recommends the marble. So I thought I would check to see what type countertop is in Paula’s kitchen. Thanks for your help.”
Nena, Paula’s counter only looks black because it’s been bombarded by 27 years of bacon grease, hamburger fat, and hog lard. We have no clue what it’s made out of, nor do we care. Neither should you. Show some individuality!

4. Cindy wrote in saying:
“Hi, I want to rent a house on the beach for a month? (That’s a question? I don’t know? Do you?) I don`t want to rush into anything so I was hoping you could give me some ideas as to what to avoid. Would you consider giving me a couple pointers? (Sure – don’t rent a house next to The Osbournes, and watch out for sharks).  Thank you very much, Cindy”
This is what’s wrong with this world. Now people are asking the Food Network for advice on rental properties? What’s next, asking the Food Network for advice on artificial insemination?

5. Stewart wrote in saying:
“I was watching the Down with Neeleys (the Down with Neeleys?) they had sweet potato tartlets on and I did not write the recipe down I was wondering if you all had it.”  Sorry Stewart, we didn’t see the episode. But knowing the Neelys, the recipe probably contained potatoes, sexual innuendos, and exaggerated stories about Gina’s youth.

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