(You guys asked for it… so you got it! This will now be a reoccurring feature on FNH.)

Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past week, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Shirl wrote in saying:
Dear anne burrell,
Ignore these fruit cakes (is it Christmas already?). They don’t feel good about them selve so hey try and make someelse feel bad (excuse me? Was that even English? Aaron McCargo, is that you?). Hope it nothing but a good laugh (did you skip grades 3-11 by any chance?). Cause your great (YOUR great!?!?) who cares what a bunch of loosers say I’m sure they don’t have anything better to do but post comments (More like YOU have nothing better to do than e-mail humor sites grammatically incorrect psycho fan letters to Anne Burrell). Me I’m a R.N..Trauma…So keep up the super job. -Nurse from texas (This is what’s working the emergency rooms in Texas? Jesus. Talk about terrifying.)

2. Martin wrote in saying:
Dear fn, How many cake challenges has duff goldman won?
One for every hair on his head.

3. Leann wrote in saying:
Hello, how much are typical meals in florence? Since you have experience, I was hoping you could give me some clues as to what you look out for. Any help appreciated. Thank you very much.
(WHO the hell does Leann even think she’s writing to? WTF? Now we’re Frommer’s?)

4. Judy wrote in saying:
I was at home today, caught Guy Fieri’s show in the afternoon (why subject yourself to that?!) – can’t find the recipe for the pork shoulder he made with some man in Connecticut (are you sure it was a man? Maybe it was just Anne Burrell in a flannel button down). Today is Tuesday, 7/21 = they also made macaroni and cheese – I thought I could find the recipes on the web page, but couldn’t  help, please
(Judy, you can’t find anything on the Food Network’s website because it’s awful… and it has all those autostart videos and Netflix popunders to boot! Seriously though, you’re talking about the episode he filmed with the owner of Wilson’s Bar-B-Q in Fairfield CT, which was also featured on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. We’ve eaten there, and the brisket was drier than Alton Brown’s sense of humor. Trust me, you don’t want this guy’s recipe for the pork shoulder, especially after it’s been Fieri-ized.)

5. Cyndi from Wisconsin wrote in saying:
Have the judges do a cake challenge. I would love to see Kerry’s work. She is quick to judge others lets see what she can do. I love the cake challenges…. look forward to them every week.
(Well, Cyndi, we don’t know what Kerry Vincent can do with a cake, but we hear she can make a fashionable headband out of car tires and chicken wire.)

6. Yolanda Rivera-Ayala wrote in saying:
I WOULD LIKE OT PURCHASE THE BOBBLE HEAD I CAN’T FIND IT ON THE WEBSITE?
First, WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING AT ME? Second, what bobble head are you talking about? You might want to elaborate, or spend 4 seconds thinking about what you’re typing before firing off an e-mail. We’re not mind readers. Third, if you’re referring to the Guy Fieri bobble head, sorry, they’re no longer available. We purchased the entire stock and drove over them with our cars. (Don’t I wish.)

7. Ann Camac wrote in saying:
who are the winners from seasons 1234
Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, and Carrie Underwood.

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