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Food Network Magazine: Fall 2009 Issue
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I just got my newest copy of Food Network magazine in, and it was chock full ‘o tips about Halloween and tailgating (you know, JUST the sort of stuff I want to be reading about in August!) This was definitely the Guy Fieri/Ace Of Cakes issue. It felt like every time I turned the page, I was met witih another blurb about Fieri or another photo of Mary Alice in a Gap scarf.
If you didn’t get the issue, don’t worry. We’ll have you caught up in no time.
Top 10 Things I Learned From The
Fall 2009 Issue Of Food Network Magazine
1. The editor of Food Network magazine, Maile Carpenter, is pregnant. She wanted to take a photo with Guy Fieri because she (please, do try to stifle your laughter if you’re at work) “wanted a photo of her unborn child with a big celeb.” Uh, if she thinks he’s a “big celeb,” she seriously needs to get out more.
2. Guy Fieri just bought his 8th car, a yellow Lamborghini. If that’s not the douchebaggiest thing you’ve ever heard in your life, what is?
3. How exciting is this news: Brian Boitano keeps animal crackers and pretzels in glass canisters in his kitchen! And of course, you can buy those glass canisters at www.GreedyFoodieHos.com.
4. The Ace Of Cakes crew likes fake tailgating. They all put on scarves, jackets, and hats, and stood around in an empty parking lot drinking beer and talking about what they would eat if there was an actual event going on. (UPDATE: I was wrong. They weren’t fake tailgating. The photos were apparently taken at a Ravens game awhile ago.)
5. Melissa d’Arabian has 4 daughters. Their names are Valentine, Charlotte, Margaux, and Oceane. Cute names, and they’re adorable little girls! Let’s just hope they get their father’s teeth.
6. Guy Fieri stuffs sausages with all the tenderness and passion of someone who’s had a lot of experience handing things shaped like penises.
7. And in even more disturbing Guy Fieri news, turns out he has a tattoo of a human skull with the words “KULINARY GANGSTA” underneath it. How classy!
8. Food Network made the Ace Of Cakes crew carve Halloween pumpkins. In the middle of the summer. You could tell they totally weren’t into it, because they produced some of the worst looking, most uncreative jack-o-lanterns I’ve ever seen. At least Mary Alice took the time to insert some painstakingly placed toothpics, which is more than I can say for Geof’s pathetic, sorry looking “evil bunny.”
9. Sunny Anderson is now hawking for VIVA paper towels via a gigantic full page ad. Her tip? Wet them, soak them in lemon water, and serve them to people. This will “turn eating into a social experience that brings people together in a new relaxed way.” I’ll take “BULLSHIT” for $1,000 please, Alex!
10. Not one mention of Rachael Ray anywhere in the magazine! Looks like someone’s being phased out!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---5 Things I Learned From The Food Network Magazine (June, 2010 Issue)---Food Network Magazine Ad Placement Fail
---Shocking Food Network/Rachael Ray Magazine Advertising Statistics
---Semi-Homemage Magazine – IT’S COMING! SAVE YOURSELVES!
---Food Network Magazine Promoting Debbie Lee’s Hot Dogs
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LISTEN TO THE LATEST PODCAST: Episode 20
THIS WEEK: Another tailgating weekend! Alex G's onion rings, an awful slow cooker experience, Ina & Jeffrey Garten's lame steak throwdown, Jennifer Hudson's annoying Weight Watchers commercial, Restaurant Impossible's cheap makeovers, and more.
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53 Responses
I bet that “Guido” got his “Kulinary Gangsta” tattoo while he was out with his “Krew”, like “Kleetus” going to the shopping mall in the ‘burbs in a minivan.
I thought the same thing about those pumpkins. For a bunch of creative artistic people, they turned out some awful crap. Mary Alices was the best, and yet she’s the only one there not handling the cakes?!
OnlyPricksDriveLamborghinis.com
My inner 5 year old laughed hysterically when I saw the photo of Guy Fieri “handling” the meat.
Worst. Magazine. Ever.
holy krap that kulinary gangsta tattoo is the worst I’ve ever seen. 169% buffoonery.
These pieces really set a santardd in the industry.
While Ratched may be retreating from FN, she wasn’t shy about sharing the “melon” scoop with some graphic details about her recent throat surgery with David Letterman:
http://www.comcast.net/video/rachael-ray-shares-summer-surgery/1230406667/Comcast/1230384972/
OMG that pic of GuFi handling meat is hilarious. Kulinary Gangster?
He’s a Kulinary meathead.
Well, Guy Fieri does seem to know his way around a sausage, at any rate. I would be deeply ashamed to be the editor of this publication, much less want to have my picture made and publicized with Captain Douchbag.
Damn, apparently I can’t spell douchebag. I’m really on top of things today.
Wet paper towels doused with lemon juice served as the “good” linen in Sunny Anderson’s house growing up I suppose.
And what is happening to Mary Alice ? She is taking on Debbie Lee proportions. Holy shit. She is getting huge.
Can you imagine the looks you would get for “serving” dinner guests some wet paper towels? First of all, I couldn’t do it with a straight face. Secondly, that’s just ignernt.
Man, I can’t see people stuffing sausage and NOT laugh. Ever.
“KULINARY GANGSTA”
Without words. Without comment… must run to freezer now to cryonic-ize myself so I can be melted in a future generation to explain to people just how douche-baggery Guy Ferry was in the year 2009.
No mentions of Roachael? Can it be? Can I ACTUALLY have gained a tiny smidgen of respect for FN, even with all the other stupid things they do?
Or maybe a smidge of respect for Rayray for moving on and up…(I can’t believe I said that but seems true)
If I ever stood that close to Gui Fieri, I’d have to take a LOOOONG shower afterwards – with bleach! Can that douche take even ONE picture without looking like a total douche?
Maile Carpenter is practically ready to break her pelvis in spreading her legs for that humongous mongoloid…
Laurie, we contacted 1-800-Douche-bag and Guy answered “no” to your question.
Only a fucking wanker would tattoo “kulinary gangsta” on his body.It wreaks of “please notice me”. What sad sack of shit this Fee-Eddi guy is turning into. Where I come from, we’d use this dude for a soccer ball.
Guy is making Good Karma Shwarma on his show right now. He looks like a dufus in his skull shirt, and he just sounds like a boob.
P.S. Guy just makes me embarrassed for America. That America is so full of cretins, that this is the guy they raise up as a hero.
Silvio, are you in Detroit? Cause Detroit already kicked that douche bags ass. And yes….Gay Ferry does think he is a celebriturd. If he and Rachel Ray procreated – the spawn would look like The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Those of you born in the 60′s will understand this reference.
“…are you in Detroit?”
Motown gal here. Goin’ to the Tiger game tomorrow.
The way Guy handles a sausage makes me wonder if he’s ever been in prison.
Hey CherryRose – Girl in the D. Go Tigers! Have fun at Comerica Park – eat a hot dog and consume many a crappy beer for me.
The way Mr. Fieri is handling that sausage is exactly how I cradle a man’s genitalia just before I grab his testes and ask him to cough. He shows good form. Tattoos make him look skanky though.
“Hey CherryRose – Girl in the D. Go Tigers! Have fun at Comerica Park – eat a hot dog and consume many a crappy beer for me.”
I’m really more of a Red Wings fan, but one ballgame per summer is a must. Will sushi and wine be alright? I don’t do hot dogs or beer.
CR – me too. Red Wings all the way. Sushi and Wine is far better. Enjoy!
Sushi and wine… awesome.
Maybe RayRay is being phased out because of her blatant hypocracy in selling bakeware when one of her favorite mantras is “I don’t bake”!
Laurie, I think the bakeware is a Bobbo decision. If you notice, when she’s hawking that crap, she tells the viewer that 100 percent of HER profit is being donated to her charity “Yum-o”.
Ray Ray neither bakes, cooks or speaks English. Example: EVOO, YUMMO and the all time fave…STOOP (Yes, its both soup and a stew)….her English? RAYBONICS.
@ Byrdie: Still don’t make it right!
@Detroit66: lol AND lmao!
Nah I’m not from Detroit. Let me tell you this. If some dude claiming to be Italian comes into our neighbourhood, throwing around cliches, dressed like freakin clown, trying to act all cool, he’s in for big trouble.
I can think of 40 guys who would love to kick the shit out of this celebriturd. I think he doesn’t travel too far from home with that act. He’s asking for problems.
Does this dude think he’s a hero to someone ? He’s a freakin cartoon character. What the fuck is wrong with America to put this jerkoff on a pedestal ? He might fool a few feeble minded fans of his, but this guy is a half miler.
He should be done in a few years.
Can’t argue with that, Laurie. But when you have a contract you can do what they tell ya or get your assed dragged off to court!
I can field the whole Sunny paper towels thing. There’s a trick where you stuff a paper towel tube with fabric softener sheets, then exhale into that after taking a hit. Knowing her I’m sure she took this deal as a way to get more tubes, and really couldn’t care less what you do with the towels.
I had a freind who saturated his ass with paper towels filled with Preparation H. Is that a Gay FEE-ETTI recipe? I think I may have seen that on a Triple (D) Douche episode.
In Japan, in some restaurants and some homes, you are offered a damp towel (cold in summer and hot in winter) before a meal so you can refresh yourself. I have also been offered one at the end of a meal also. But never paper towels!
@Judith
The paper towel thing sounds almost, dare I say it…Semi-Homemade.
@Kathy – except they aren’t soaked in a handle each of vodka and bourbon (and 1 c. of cola for “deeeelicious flavor”)
I must be the only one old enough to remember Mr. Limpet! I laughed my ass off when I read that, I was checking out of Publix today and next to the news rags they were hawking dvd’s and one of them was “The Incredible Mr. Limpet”!!! good timing. My wife got her Food TV magazine yesterday, I guess I should save time and pain and just toss it.
#6, the “underhand” method. Quite the advanced Kama Sutra technique!
*snark*
@Kenneth, And they sit on a tablescape created with cheap, dollar store objet d’art :) I’m sure there’s also a dollop of Cool-Whip with a capful of vanilla added somewhere in there, too.
Ok, I admit it. I remember (vividly) “The Incredible Mr. Limpet”. Don Knotts (Barney Fife for all you TV Land viewers to young to know) turns into a talking fish. Although this sounds like a real Oscar winner, I preferred “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken” myself.
The only good thing about this copy was that there was no mention of Rachael Ray anywhere in it. As far as I am concerned this silly cow can’t be phased out soon enough. The sooner we no longer have to hear EVOO or YUMMO and her inane giggling the better. Please bring back a real chef. Someone who actually studied cooking and has actually been in a real kitchen. Even the Two Fat Ladies at least knew how to cook.
Guy Fieri is a mouth-breather.
And I hate when things are spelled with a “K” when they are actually supposed to be spelled with a “C.”
Lets not be too hard on Maile Carpenter:
A: She has to suck p and make a big deal about FN. It’s her job. (Although I don’t know how she will be able to look her child in the eye knowing she has helped make the world a worse place.)
B: She might be mentally deranged, and therefore not responsible for her actions.(Certainly explains a lot.)
C: She could be a sociopath void of any conscience or concern for the well being of others.
Her raspy voice is pretty gone now, eh? I think her career is, too. Buh-bye RayRay.
In the first place, I never watch Rachel Ray. In the second place, I despise all the newer cooks that flaunt their “tats’, spiked hair, slang, usage of words, etc. These newer so-called chefs are out of the mainstream, look dirty and unkempt and well to put it mildly, turn me off completely. Would you want some of these people to cook for you?
Food Network…Whatever happened to the well-known cooks of the past i.e., Sara Moulton. Please bring her back. Now that is a chef!
Oh, I forget to mention…..Like other posts here, and I agree, Rachel Ray is obnoxious, silly, and admittedely NOT a trained chef!
Miss Winfrey saw a money making person right before her eyes, grabbed her, signed her up for her own talk show, and sold her out to the highest bidder. It is all about money, nothing else.
Miss Ray has nothing going for her but a gift of gab and way too much slang gab at that. Nothing else. She is NOT a cook so why give her a cooking show on Food Network. Money talks as they say. Just my opinion.
Sound like somebody is jealous. lol.