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Understanding The Food Network
Published on: August 4, 2009 – 2:06 pm by FNH Guest Blogger 
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(Ed. note: this article was written and submitted by FNH reader Brian Buckley.)
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UNDERSTANDING THE FOOD NETWORK
These are a few little known facts that should help viewers understand and clarify why The Food Network is the way it is.
Rachael Ray: She is only 3 foot 8 inches tall. Her set and equipment are custom built to 0.58% of normal human size.
The Neelys: They are brother and sister. They just play a married couple.
Giada De Laurentis: Show biz runs in her veins. Not only is she a grand daughter of a famous movie producer, but she is also a distant cousin of 1960’s TV sensation Topo Gigo, a puppet who appeared on The Ed Sullivan show 72 times.
Danny Boome; Watch carefully as he never wears pants and is totally nude below the waist. Careful camera placement and precise editing prevent any trouble with censors and sponsors.
Guy Fieri: He feels that he is a woman trapped in a mans body.
Sandra Lee: She feels that she is a woman trapped in a woman’s body.
Paula Dean: Paula tests experimental drugs for The Pfizer Corporation. This results in side effects that may account for her constantly cackling like a chicken and occasionally barking during show taping.
The Dean Boys; They support their extravagant beer/miniature golf lifestyle by brazenly embezzling from their mother’s restaurant. Also, each brother thinks that the other one is gay.
Iron Chef Judge Jeffrey Steingarten: When he begins to feel full during judging he has been known to induce vomiting into a pail under the table. His fellow judges refuse to sit next to him. This again is hidden with camera placement, careful editing and copious amounts of Febreeze.
Tyler Florence: He is extremely sensitive to the fact that his first name is a common last name and his last name is a common woman’s first name.
Nigela Lawson: Her breasts are insured by Lloyds of Liechtenstein for:
Right 1 million pounds
Left 850,000. pounds (it is the slightly smaller of the two.)
Alton Brown: He is actually much more boring than he appears to be.
The Chairman Of Iron Chef: He is not a gourmand and his favorite food is Cinnabon washed down with Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper.
Ina Garten: She is under house arrest for a felony conviction. She may only leave her home to shop twice a week. To further torment her she is only allowed visits from wildly handsome gay men. Jeffery, her lawyer and husband is allowed conjugal visits on weekends but actually comes home because she cooks chicken like his Bubby used to make.
Brian Buckley August 2009
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Food Network Still Airing Infomercials At 9 AM---Candid Food Network Photographs
---Food Network Loves Giada’s Boobs
---Rules Of The Food Network Cake Challenge
---The Worst Of Food Network Magazine (June 2010 Edition)
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- Aug 30, 2009: veryculinary.com » Blog Archive » On The Side: small bites during the month of August
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
haha nice.
I think Brian means Topo Gigio and the Deen Bros. Overall, a few smirks but keep trying.
Love it! LMAO
Let me know when Danny Boome makes donuts. That I will watch. K
Bravo, Brave Brian. (My lips are stuck together after trying one of Aunt Sandy’s russipes and I can only make the sound of the letter B.)
Buh Bye
Sillvvio,
Sorry if I misspelled a name of one of the most important Italian cultural personalities of the last century. And as far as the DEEN brothers, the fact that I don’t know how to spell their name reflects quite well on me.
BB
Nice job. Keep writing.
LOL w/ Brian! (for the reply as well)
is Nigela’s cleavage under the policy?
and how bout the nips?
Humorless, but worse than that, boring.
Painfully unfunny, and not proofread (”mans” is not the proper form of the possessive). I love guest spots, but choose wisely.
Wow. Tough crowd.
I liked it. Anything that makes fun of Ina is always good in my book.
Is Nigela Lawson related to Nigella Lawson?
@MEGAN. Choose wisely? Are you saying Brian didn’t deserve a chance? And where’s your stuff, btw?
I’m a big believer that comedy is about community and just people riffing and working off each other’s stuff. No comedy is ever truly original, and even the best of them (including Jillian) have jokes that just fall flat. That’s just part of the rhythm of comedy and how it works. I say bring it on, Brian (and other guest bloggers). The more the merrier.
Ok . . . I consider myself kind of a spelling and grammar geek but I’ve never seen a group pick typos apart quite like y’all do on this site.
I just wanna throw out there that I think Nigella Lawson is beautiful, quirky, interesting, and painfully underused. FN needs her on more than just Sarurday mornings…
Adam Gertler: Just Dave Leiberman after plastic surgery. He wanted back on the Food Network so badly!
George Duran: Colapsed and died of a heart attack while burying Jim O’Connor’s body after he killed him in order to take over “The Secret Life Of…”
Bobby Rivers: Still thought he was on VH1.
*YAWN* I’m glad the other people pointed out the salient errors in this post. Keep trying!! :)
I like the name Brian Buckley. It’s a very ‘Cary Grant’s co-star in some delightful 1940’s zany Selznick comedy’ name. Well done, Brian Buckley, well done! Enjoyed your writing as well as your take on these handful of FN nut jobs. Especially the Ina’s “chicken like his Bubby used to make” comment! Funny stuff. Keep up the good work and never mind the naysayers. There’s one in every crowd!
Not funny at all. Spell much ? Did this guy pay you to write a guest column? FNH will take heat over this. You lost some credibility.
Apologies to the spell checkers. Actually you are correct in demanding that our beautiful language be correctly expressed. I am new to the game and did not know if the hosts would correct or edit my submission. Plus I am a lousy typist. In future I will be more careful.
My main concern is if the reader found it funny or not.
Brian B.
I don’t think it was that funny Brian B. Face it, some have it some don’t. That and the humor standards here are high.
I loved it! Ina’s torment – hilarious!!
OK…I’m a bit new to this blog, but I have to ask: Everyone who posts a comment doesn’t seem to like the network or its show hosts, so why not change the channel? That’s what the remote is for.
@Pam, because most of us have a love/hate relationship with the network. We enjoy it, but find things that bother us at the same time. That’s why.
And we long for the days of Food Network yore.
Pam, because riffing is fun. Ever watch MST3K?
Brian,
“Paula Dean: Paula tests experimental drugs for The Pfizer Corporation. This results in side effects that may account for her constantly cackling like a chicken and occasionally barking during show taping.”
That was hysterical. She does look like she’s on some kind of drugs.
The rest of it wasn’t funny to me, sorry. Not everyone has the same brand of humor, though.
I snickered over many of your comments Brian, but laughed out loud at the Jeffrey Steingarten visual. He is such a pompous @ss that I take pleasure in imagining him puking under the table between judging dishes on Iron Chef. Ba ha ha ha!
@ Jun – the reason my “stuff” isn’t here is because I haven’t written anything I think is funny enough to submit. Your retort is like suggesting someone shouldn’t eat if they haven’t opened their own restaurant – it doesn’t make sense.
@MEGAN. I just think it’s ridiculous to shoot somebody down when you don’t have the guts to try it yourself. That’s all.
*yawn*
Next, please.
I keep telling my wife that that’s not Paula Deen anymore, its a robot. The real Paula died a long time ago (hello, look at her food!).
Somebody likes your stuff, Brian:
http://www.seriouseats.com/2009/08/a-guide-to-understanding-the-food-network.html
Brian, it was this article on SeriousEats that brought me to this site. And I liked it. I would like to contribute some day as well I just have to get up the nerve and a good schtick to try out. Thanks.
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