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Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Wedding Cake
Published on: August 15, 2009 – 9:44 am by Jillian Madison 
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Oh man. This is just all sorts of nasty:
.
WHAT IT IS: Sandra Lee’s “No-Bake Love Cake” from a Semi-Homemade episode titled Wedding Bells
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Something I made out of Play-Doh and animal crackers when I was 5
Frankly, aside from Dustin Hoffman’s character in Rain Man, I don’t know one person who would be happy if this… thing… showed up at their wedding. Somebody tell Aunt Sandy she has no business calling it a “love cake” when it doesn’t say “I love you” at all. It says “I just got released from the insane asylum and heard you were getting married.”
In all seriousness, the cake is an abomination. Aside from it being one of the ugliest things we’ve ever seen, it’s not even symmetrical! The cookies and layers are all uneven! And what about those silver balls? Nothing says “I’m having a blast at your wedding reception” like losing a molar.
The video footage shows Sandra and some random British lady literally SLAMMING the layers down on top of each other. They didn’t use any inner support, meaning the layers are inevitably going to sink into each other. She also left the cardboard layers on:
[Thanks to everyone who sent this in!]
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Angelina Jolie Made A Semi-Homemade Cake (Yeah, Riiiight)---Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Bra Fail
---FIRST LOOK: Upcoming Semi-Homemade “Homecoming Tailgate” Episode
---Semi-Homemade: Was That A Transvestite?
---VIDEO: Sandra Lee Acting Like A Semi-Homemade Bitch Behind The Scenes
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
It’s the Passive-aggressive Cake of Envy. That thing should be green and should have “I HATE YOU” written on it, in chocolate. It might also be considered the “I Don’t Really Give a Flying S*** About Your Wedding But My Mom’s Making Me Do Something Nice” Cake, laced with arsenic.
I watched Sandra Lee’ Chefography yesterday and felt sorry for her because she had a very hard childhood etc, but after looking at this cake, I think she deserves to be ridiculed! WTF is that? And she kept saying ‘gorgeous’, I want to see what would happen if this cake is given to one of those bridezillas hahahahah..that would make a fantastic show!
Yeah…I was a bit confused that Sandra Lee was on “Chefography.” Why?? And then after seeing this, I was even more confused. Why, Sandra, why??
I’d say she was drunk off her ass when she came up with this idea, but being the functional drunk that she is, I’d never expect something THIS BAD.
I don’t care about her upbringing. I don’t care if she was left alone in the woods as a child.
Any one who claims to be even in the same -zip- country code as a chef as she does, deserves to be mocked for this horrendous piece of crap.
If this showed up at my wedding from a pastery chef that was on TV and sold books etc.. I would kick their ass on principle alone.
What an insult to all the viewer’s intelligences…
This is Food Network.
This is circus.
Bob and Suzie are destroying the Food Village to “save” it.
This guest wrote a wedding cake book? Are you freakin kidding me? And then gets air time to hawk it to the stupid people that watch that crappy show?? And even worse, Aunt (hic) Sandy gives her validation by ‘making’ one of these monstrosities on her crappy shitty show??? I am at a loss for words. I sat there watching them build this ‘thing’ with my mouth open and was totally aghast at what the hell they were doing. OMG. Geez, Louise.
Yes, DesignerJeans, Bob Doucheman and Susie ARE destroying the Village. Scary as hell because there is a large viewing audience at FN that lap this shit up and think this is all great stuff. God help us.
And would you please, Aunt Drunky and blonde woman who writes and hawks crap books, please please please pull your hair back when you are working with food????
Playing devil’s advocate here – This cake might be a bride’s dream-come-true for her wedding reception at the clubhouse of a trailer park :))
Excuse me, but I have been drunk off my ass and have produced MUCH better things!
Oh my f’ing god!
“please please please pull your hair back when you are working with food????”
Oh, I don’t know. Hair could only improve the food.
At least this one isn’t a hate crime: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/475905/kwanzaa_cake_by_sandra_lee_and_other_pg3_pg3.html?cat=2
It looks even worse than that hideous croquembouche Elizabeth Falkner made (I think that episode is how I found this site…).
And here is something funny. If you click on the link “Wedding Bells”, it takes you to the “russipie” at the FN site. Ok, first, they actually list the ingredients (store bought this and store bought that) and have it written out as if it were an actual “russipie”. And irony of irony, the gear they are hawking RIGHT NEXT TO THIS “RUSSIPIE” IS BAKING PANS!!!
That is one ugly looking cake. You really have to be over the top to want a cake like that at your wedding.
Wow, this is beyond a semi-ho cake….it’s a total HO cake!!
I watched her Chefography yesterday. When it got to the part where she said she wanted to go to Le Cordon Bleu to learn about sauces and such, but that she didn’t *need* to study cake making, because she felt confident about them– I could barely contain a chuckle. Yeah. Because as if her cakes could compare to professionally made ones. This totally proves that point!
Yeah. Like if I had the chance to go to the world class Le Cordon Bleu, I can’t imagine in my wildest dreams I’d be an idiot and say “Nah! I’m gonna skip that class. I already know how to do that!”.
I’ll bet she went to that renowned institution. But here’s what probably really happened: she approached the school building, walked up the steps, cupped her hands around her eyes as she pressed her nose against that glass door and attempted to see what the inside looked like, then walked back down the stairs. Then, some time later, as she HO’d her way to the top, the story morphed into: “Oh, yes! I went to Le Cordon Bleu”. wha-eva…
That’s craptastic! Maybe we need to be drunk to really appreciate her work.
Ha, I remember that episode…
You know, if someone brought a cake like that to my wedding reception, I’d think it was cute! Assuming it was a young niece or someone like that, anyway.
Sandra is a good at decorating tacky trailer homes from the early 90’s, that doesnt translate well with food.
75% of the viewers are sorta rednecky cattle who laugh at every Rachel Ray joke. Go figure.
Unrelated to this, but it’s a shame there’s no recap of the AWFUL new Chef vs City show.
GOOD LORD! What the hell is that? Somewhere Kerry Vincent has flung off her headband, kicked off her sensible shoes and is getting ready to bitch slap Sandra into sobriety.
What the hell is that mess?
Yes this is a circus.
In the words of a very prominent NYC food blogger and a guy who is amongst the culinary elite in Brooklyn describes the Food Network as “a Kabuki turd circus” . This is just the opening act.
And she took a two week introductory course at the Cordon Bleu “campus” in Canada.
@Silvo – “kabuki turd circus”! That’s the best thing I’ve read here yet today!!
Just saw the video. Wasn’t Aunt Sandy’s “accomplice” a judge on HGTV’s Design Star in previous seasons?
Very old show. Why now?
After thinking about this, I don’t see how she can claim credit for the cake at all. Where are the fresh ingredients? It doesn’t even fit the 70%/30% formula she uses. Decorating pre-made cakes doesn’t cut it as cooking anywhere. Period.
Jun. The fresh ingredient? Her hair.
“And she took a two week introductory course at the Cordon Bleu “campus” in Canada.”
Oh. Dear. God.
First she brandishes her Cordon Bleu attendance to establish her “creds”…. only to find it was the CB in Canada….For two weeks…
…And the CB (Canada Edition) is not even the French speaking part of Canada.
Sigh…
She did the same thing with Mario Lopez on Extra, but it looks even tackier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cpd6rHIfyA
Are those silver dragees illegal in several states?
When is this “Chefography” on? I don’t watch the FN as much as I used to.
Oh dear jesus christ, that cake.
I had a very non-traditional wedding and I still wouldn’t want that thing anywhere NEAR my cake table. In fact, my cake was green, brown, and white to match the autumn theme of our wedding. That is the most disgusting excuse for a wedding cake I’ve ever seen.
@Greg Dendler. It’s one hour chef biography shows. And I use the term chef loosely.
They are usually one 7 and 8 p.m. weekdays as of late.
If I saw that cake at a wedding (or any party for that matter) I’d make it a point to laugh at the bride’s face.
Sandra Lee is a cake menace. She fucked up Kwanzaa and now this.
Someone should send this in to Cake Wrecks!!
What’s with the 2nd layer up – all those “rings”?
Oh I see they are all symbolic of all the many massive diamond rings she plans to accumulate.
Or some other sort of ring . . .
Is the icing beige or is it just my monitor? Mebbe she added too much vanilla to the canned icing?? Very odd…..
Yeah about those studded ‘rings’ I’ve seen those for sale in the back of various adult magazines,
What, no Kwanzaa Korn for fertility???
LOL Di, that is what I was thinking too! Maybe it’s a cake for a polyamorous union…or the woman has had 22 prior engagements…or she got proposed to by the groom multiple times…
Dear sweet God. There is not enough tequila in my liquor cabinet to make this look like a good idea. However, I think this would go over well at at Joy and Crabman’s trailer park in My Name is Earl.
if you look up dragee (i don’t know how to put an accent on it) but those things aren’t even edible! GROSS.
& who the hell wants a stale cookie on a piece of cake? not me.
@ SJ: How about we give this cake to this Bridezilla? http://msannomalley.wordpress.com/2009/08/16/things-i-want-to-see-1/
In all seriousness, though, this cake is an abomination. When I got married to my ex, my then 14 year old future brother in law made my wedding cake. He has grown up to be a professional baker. But he made my wedding cake and it was so professional looking and it was gorgeous and you would not believe that a 14 year old aspiring baker made it. Aunt Sandy should be ashamed of herself for passing this crap off as a wedding cake and being outdone by a fourteen year old.
I wish I could post a picture of the cake.
I am very disappointed.
I loved the way they were acting like when they were placing the cakes they acted like it was such a complicated thing on a par with brain surgery….then again perhaps putting this
(piece or crap) together is tough when the room is spinning.
I so don’t even want to get into the whole Kwanzaa cake thing. Or Kwanzaa itself. It’s just a sham holiday. The dude who made it up is a womanizer and I mean he couldn’t even come up with something original. He totally stole the Menorah which has been around for oh 6000 years and stuck an extra candle on it. Oh don’t get me started.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/videos/kwanzaa-cake/1455.html
“…I’ll bet she went to that renowned institution. But here’s what probably really happened: she approached the school building, walked up the steps, cupped her hands around her eyes as she pressed her nose against that glass door and attempted to see what the inside looked like, then walked back down the stairs.”
Then Sandra headed to the nearest bar…
Why does she put vanilla in store bought frosting? Isn’t there vanilla in it already?
I just watched the video with that Kwanzaa cake and I am just gobsmacked that the FN calls it “amazingly beautiful.” It looks like an elephant turd.
I think she put the Vanilla in it to at least feign the “30% cooking” part that she always crows about.
Had she not, I mean, store bought cake + online (ewww) bought cookies would lead one to ask WTF part of this monstrosity did she actual bake/cook?!
To which Sandy (hic) Lee would respond, “why do you hate american women? why do you hate cooks that do not have time to make everything from scratch? and “It’s Sunday. Where are my weekend kids!??”
To be fair thought, she may have bought the corrogated cardboard rounds, the video left this unclear..
Princess C, I’m with you on the whole Kwanzaa cake. But it suits Aunt(hic)(burp)Sandy because both of them are made up and without meaning and perfectly tacky. And the vanilla in the vanilla icing thing a mystery to me. If she used the ‘good vanilla’, maybe, but she uses that fake vanilla flavoring junk.
I just watched the Kwanzaa cake video again. (Thanks for the link, Pricess C!). WTF does that cake have to do with anything? If you’ve never seen this THING being created, I would strongly urge you to watch. It’s hysterical!!
I’ve had it with Aunt Sandy using the caps to measure out stuff. It’s gross enough with the extracts, but I’ve seen her do it with kinds of bottled stuff like juices. I get queasy just thinking of all her disgusting, crusted up bottles sitting in her cupboard.
HOLY CRAP! Regardless of what you think of Kwanza, no holiday deserves that.
@ Robb: Chef vs City was HORRIFIC, i agree :)
Oh wow, I never watch that show so was that actually for a real wedding?
How hoosier do you have to be to ask some random woman who doesn’t even know how to making icing to make a cake for you? Wow I’d be hella pissed as a bride if that was my cake.
BURN IT WIF FIAR!!
All I see is “Divorce Court”… What an embarrassment.
I went to Food Network.com and read the reviews for this set of assembly instructions. There is some comedy gold there.
So I dunno if anyone has said this yet (I don’t wanna go through over 50 comments) but the other lady isn’t British. Also, how the hell is she planning to cut, serve and eat this cake with all the cardboard still at the bottom of her cakes? I suppose nobody planned on eating that monstrosity anyways..
I am not at all shocked. This is not the first time Sandy has “decorated” a store bought cake with cookies. Anyone remember the Daffodil Cake? I really can’t decide which one looks worse.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sandra-lee/no-bake-daffodil-cake-recipe/index.html
I’d like to see what would happen if I walked up to a future bride and proposed to make her wedding cake out of irregularly shaped, Wal-mart cakes that will be (sloppily) stacked, then covered with cookies. She will either A) punch me in the face or B) die laughing.
This nightmare of a cake looks like some five year olds could have made it, and done a better job. What is so sad and absurd is that she COULD have done a lovely cake in the “semi-homeade” theme that would have knocked your socks off. For the record, Ducan Hines’ French Vanilla cake (with added vanilla, of course) makes a lovely cake. Split the layers, brush w/some melted currant jam and raspberry liqueur, fill with (good–are you listening, Ina?)lemon curd, and frost with a basic buttercream which an 8 year old can produce in five minutes. Make some easy swags with a plastic bag and a good star tip, add some shaved white chocolate, some fresh flowers and you’re there. Easier and less time consuming than the cookies, But they didn’t ask me.
The sad thing is, some misguided lady intended to use this for her own wedding.
I can see using this as inspiration to buy cakes (like from Costco. which I keep hearing as brides using for an affordable and tasty cake) and stack them, but make sure they were ALL round or ALL square. No mixing geometry. Instead of cookies, strategically place flowers and/or sprinkle flower petals around it. For the centerpiece, get one of those Precious Moments toppers or something.
There. Done. Semi-Homemade without the tackiness.
I can’t believe people actually defend this schlock:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/semi-homemade-cooking-with-sandra-lee/no-bake-love-cake-recipe/reviews/index.html
Why do people defend tacky? Sure, defend the inspiration, but defending the actual end product that Sandy advocated? Puh-lease.
Daria, I think the Daffodil Cake may even be worse. But if it was for a 3 year old’s garden party, and 3 year olds made it…
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/sandra-lee/no-bake-daffodil-cake-recipe/index.html
But “WEDDING”? Disgusting.
It is a “Semi-Cake.”
And, as mentioned earlier, those silver balls are “…a lawsuit a-waiting to happen…” when a guest’s crown is broken. Imagine getting any part of that “cake” smushed into a bride or groom’s face! Those suckers are HARD!
@Jille’s comment: Very true, but then Sandra would have to reveal to the world that she can’t bake at all!
@Laura re: accomplice… that looks like Martha McCully but hopefully she would know better than to endorse that cake. (good design should to food where she’s concerned ;))
^^good design should extend to food is what that should say.
@Daria, oh yes that’s right, because it would take some skill to bake with the mix and make her own buttercream! I think I’ll go have a cupcake now.
There’s a wedding cake for every budget…this one fits the Dollar Tree budget. Good job Sandy!
I don’t know, it would probably be okay for the type of wedding Sandra is used to attending, where the mother of the bride is the daughter of the groom, that sort of thing.
This is quite a good way to imply you’ve been sleeping with the bridegroom. Surpise! All three of us have herpes–Now who want some vanilla vodka? :D
DesignerJeans,
While it is true that Sandra Lee attended the Cordon Blue school in Canada, there has been some speculation about the length of her stay. It’s been stated that she may have studied there for TWO DAYS before she DROPPED OUT. Possibly she thought it was too hard to actually cook real food. Did you also read inthat Newsweek website profile this month that she was called “The Daughter of Julia Child?” NO JOKE!! Yes joke to me and anyone else who whose graduated from Kindergarten.
Julia Child was anything but a wimp like Sandra Lee and unlike Aunty (hic) Sandy, Julia knew how to keep her drinking under control. Paul Child was damned lucky to be married to her. See Julie and Julia and you’ll know what I mean. I saw it twice.
BTW, my nephew’s wedding cake looked like a shining diamond compared to the evil nightmare what what was shown on this post. ICK!
OMG check out the link posted by Olive on the 15th…Sandy actually says, “This isn’t a Walmart commercial.” Couple that with the statement about that looking like a $500 cake and I about hit the floor…
OMG. Another reason not to want to get married… the thought that my cake will come out like that… And I love how she is worried about the cookies been centered… seriously!
Aunt (hic) Sandy got Mario Lopez to buy into this idiocy…found this linked from Cake Wrecks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cpd6rHIfyA
Maybe this was the pilot for a new show called Semi-Ho-made Hacka-Cakes! “Maybe Aunt Sandy” and the “Tranny Lady” could collaberate on how to use twinkies an ho-hos,for all sorts of fabulous,festive,cake ideas!
Was this the “no bake cake” (what the HELL does THAT mean, anyway?) SLop claimed to have made, err, assembled, in the kitchen of one of Mario’s restaurants for a friend who was eating there?
As for her Cordon Blue credentials, there are at least three versions of that story..
How about today’s “recipe” for dougnuts: Pop open a can of giant biscuits. Fry. How Aunt Sandy has the nerve to call this a recipe is beyond me.
Mmm, fried biscuits. The folks at Dunkin’ Donuts are just kicking themselves for not thinking of that.
You all are braver than I. I could only get to the slicing of the banana. I couldn’t watch anymore. Aunt(hic)(buurpp)Sandy just irritates the hell out of me. ugh.
I think Sandy and Kim from Atlanta Housewives should team up and do a show. Kinda like “Emeril Live”. Kim could sing and Sandy would cook in front of an audience. And the audience member that kept their food down the longest would win a prize.
I think I just spit up all over my keyboard. Luckily, I was only eating the little cardboard rounds so… easy cleanup! Seriously, whoever brings this to an actual wedding should be turned away at the door. Or put it on the other side of the meadow so the flies won’t bother the party. I spent a lot on a wedding cake from http://www.gatheringguide.com/ec/wedding_cakes_bakeries.html that I was nervous about at the time, but looking at this I would have been glad to spend twice as much on a real cake!
There is no love in this cake, none AT ALL.
When I first saw it, I thought there were toilet seats on the second level. Yay, marriage…or going to the bathroom?
And dont miss next weeks episode where I’ll be showing you how to construct a quaint honeymoon get away out of saltines and cheez whiz
At 2:32, there’s a very nice close-up of Drunky Lee’s dirty fingernails.
Also, wedding-cake shaped cookies on a “wedding cake”…nice touch.
do you think this will be the wedding cake when she marries andrew cuomo and the move into govenors mansion