Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Bernadette wrote in saying:
Gentlemen: (…..start your engines!!!) I watched with interest last night’s episode of Next Food Network Star (Yoda? Is that you? Brave one you are!) I just do not understand how Jeffrey has advanced to two remaining contestants as a finalist. (Duh. Susie had a crush on him.) It seems like he always takes the easy way out (Hey, wait a minute. Isn’t that the theme song that’s playing while Rocky Balboa is training to fight Ivan Drago in Russia?) While Melissa may appear frantic sometimes, she can be worked with concerning time management. (?!?!) She always has great culinary tips (yeah, if you can tolerate her talking about France more than Gerard Depardieu). If Melissa is sharing her Orange cookie with chocolate drizzle, will you please post the recipe or please send it to me at xxxxx@nycap.rr.com. (We don’t know the recipe, but we bet it includes a  secret ingredient… soy sauce!) I took a Bootcamp in Pastry Workshop in 2006 at CIA, New Hyde Park. (A pastry bootcamp? What’s that? Do 50 sit-ups then eat a croissant? Sounds rough. Thanks for your service to the country.) I love pastry and collect recipes. (WOW! THANK YOU FOR SHARING! I collect dragonflies! And I love ponies!) Many thanks, Bernadette

2. Carey wrote in saying:
I watched an episode with Bobby Flay where a female guest grilled a watermelon. (Are you sure it was a watermelon and not just Giada’s left breast?) This was only part of menu. (Wait, you mean there was more? Wow, Flay really outdid himself!) She also had some homemade wine, vinegar or steak marinade. I don’t know if this was a throwdown show or not. (And why should you know, really. You weren’t WATCHING IT for 30 minutes or anything.) I believe they were on top of a building where they were grilling. Does this ring a bell? (Were there men in beards nearby? If so, maybe you’re talking about Bobby’s new show, Rooftopzz & Rubzz, where each week Bobby and a member of ZZ Top grill chicken on the roof of an abandoned parking garage. Corny Theme Song Alert: “He cooks legggssss, he knows how to grill them…”)

3. Ninia wrote in saying:
Guy Fieri. I would like to see more of him.
(Your urge for more Fieri so great that you resorted to writing a pointless, ignorant email to a humor site? Can’t you just put up a poster of him in your bedroom and leave us the hell out of it?)

4. Manan wrote in saying:
I’m a huge fan of Guy Fieri. I’m looking for his e-mail adres so i can contact him. I’m interested talking food business with him. Please act on it.
(Act on it? Uh, yes sir, Mr. President! One question before I start acting on it: just what sort of “food business” do you think he’s capable of discussing, other than where to find the meatiest chicken wing? Anyway, we don’t know Fieri’s “e-mail adres” but we’re pretty sure you can reach him at:  HeadHonchoPonchoSlammaJammaClamma@JohnnyGarlics.com)

5. Janet wrote in asking:
Hi, what happen if you throw up your food?
(Don’t be alarmed. It probably just means you were watching an old episode of Semi-Homemade while eating. Proceed normally.)

6. Kathy wrote in saying:
Why do you play those cake shows so much. Every time I turn around some bald man is making a cake. If not that bald man then someone else is frosting a cake. Decorating a cake. Competing against other people making cakes. Enough!!!!!
(Yeah! You hear that, Food Network? Kathy doesn’t want to see any more bald men making cakes!)

7. Peg wrote in saying:
I tried to make Barefoot Contessa granola like she did on television and I don’t think she ment to put fruits in them (I’m not even TOUCHING that one). They were dry and hard and hurt my tooth (Oh my God, you only have one tooth? Treat it well. Should you really be eating granola?) I’d like to know if Ina has a way to make them softer and more tender. (May we recommend listening to Richard Marx Greatest Hits while baking? Works every time.) Thank you Peg (No Peg, thank YOU.)

Other posts on Food Network Humor: