Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Denis wrote in saying:
I was watching bare foot contesa, and she kept saying ” good vanilla” and I started wondering if she actually tasted pure vanilla? Like took a spoonful of cheap vanilla and ” good vanilla” and decided that her overpriced vanilla tasted better. Unless she actually drank both I don’t want to hear “good vanilla” anymore cuz I bet she couldn’t tell the difference blinfolded.
(Denis, thank you for that inspiring and well thought-out email. You do have a point. Next time we see Ina, we’ll tie her to a chair, blindfold her, and force feed her vanilla until we feel confident she knows the difference.)

2. Jen wrote in saying:
Hi, I am just curious if FN plans to rerun any of the old Julia Child episodes considering the hype the movie has generated? Please respond to xxxxxx@aol.com.
(Hi Jen. First, thank you for knowing how to spell. Second, I doubt you’ll be seeing Julia Child on Food Network any time soon. The executives know better. It will only make their current “chefs” look even more pathetic and inept. Sorry!)

3. Patrick wrote in saying:
I am attempting to help a small Mom & Pop business expand from current mfg capacity of 150 gals/week, which is their limit. (And you’re telling this to us out of the clear blue… WHY?) The name of the sauce is XXXXX. They produce the product in WI and are passionately accepted in this region. (So is putting a stick of butter on a hamburger. So what’s your point?) They have been on local TV stations, and in most supermarkets, etc. (WOW!!!!!!! Now we’re impressed!) They would like to find a possible manufacturer,distributor to partner with in th WI area. (Yawn, yawn, yawn. Why am I still reading this? My life sucks.) Any suggestions would be appreciated. We are major fans of the Food Network. (Patrick, here’s a suggestion: Learn how to run your own business and stop asking strangers on the internet for advice. Oh, and brush up on the art of ass-kissing, because you suck at it.)

4. Darj wrote in saying:
Yo Guy Fieri what up! U gots to come check out dis joint in south cali da fish tacos r slammin. When u get there kall me on my cellie xxx-xxx-xxxx and lets roll in da caddie. i hear u keep talkin bout hunter i hunt 2 lets do it.
(Oh. My. God. This is the stupidest, most ignorant email I’ve ever read in my life. First of all, his son is named Hunter. He’s not talking about actual hunting, you moron. Aside from that, these two seem like they really would hit it off. Kulinary Gangstas 4 Life!)

5. Rebecca wrote in saying:
I don’t know if Alton will remember (of course he won’t), but I asked him if he would “come home with me” at his 2008 book signing. (Ew!) I am old enough to be his mom. (Double ew!!!) His back-at-ya with a gleam in his eye was, “and what…?” (And help you open your pesky bottle of Boniva?) Love him for that! We saw him again at the 2009 event in Monterey (STALKER MUCH?). Like many I am concerned about his new look. I am a registered nurse (so? Get to the point, people, get to the point.) and I know that sudden changes can mean we are forced to change our lifestyles due to ‘change or die’ situations (Calm down and stop over-exaggerating, lady. He lost a few pounds. Not a limb.) I just want to know if I need to pray for his continued success or his healing (God’s making you choose one or the other now?). Tell him I love his shows and his purpose to educate us on ‘why’ cooking happens. (We’ll be sure to do that. LOCK YOUR DOORS, ALTON. LOCK YOUR DOORS!)

6. Gloria wrote in saying:
Dear Food Network, I watch you all the time and am addicted to all of your stars. (That’s right. Feel free to just keep ignoring the word HUMOR at the end of this URL.) I have Never sent a Negative comment to anyone ever, (ooh, this is gettin’ good!) but I just had to comment on these 2 shows. Love Love Love Brian Boitano’s new show. I could have watched him straight for 8 hours (watched him straight? Lady, you could watch him for the next 25 years and that would never happen.) Loved it! (Yeah, you mentioned that.) On the other hand EMPHATICALLY DO NOT ENJOY OR LIKE Melissa d”Arabian’s new show AT ALL! (No one does.) TOO PAINFUL TO WATCH!!!! DIDN’T LIKE HER VOICE, LOOKS OR RECIPES. (Oh no! Gloria’s switched to all caps! Watch out – she means business now!) MAYBE YOU CAN GET GER SOME PANS THAT AREN’T SO HEAVY! (That’s hilarious.) MADE ME NOT WANT TO COOK! OR PICK UP MY FRYING PAN! SORRY MELISSA! (Calm down, Gloria, calm down. Press caps-lock and slowly back away from the computer…)

7. Sharon wrote in saying:
I’m so happy to see these comments about Paula Dean…. I have always thought this of her and that she was just another flavor of Martha Stewart. (Martha Stewart comes in flavors now? Great! I’ll take the strawberry.) they both make me never want to eat again….. And talk about greed….. Lord!!!!! (Sharon’s in love with using periods! Can I get a hallelujah!) any one who comes to visit us in Savannah and says “öh lets go to paula deans.” I say well you can go alone……. but not me. (Right. Because you just sit home typing letters to the Food Network.) PS I have recieved (Remember 2nd grade? “I before E, except after C!”) a couple of her cook books as gifts and gave thm to the local library …the same day…..not in my house!!!!! (Okay, but in your next email, tell us all how you really feel.)

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