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Food Network Chefs: You’re Under Arrest
Published on: September 5, 2009 – 11:20 am by Jillian Madison 
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We’re making some citizens arrests on the following Food Network personalities for the hideous crimes they have been repeatedly committing against humanity:
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INA GARTEN . CRIME: Nonstop nervous giggling. . SENTENCE: Fourteen hours of Carrot Top’s stand-up. |
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ANNE BURRELL . CRIME: Acting like a complete spaz, and talking about “brown food” more than the president of Hershey. . SENTENCE: Two years without coffee. Because it’s a stimulant. And it’s brown. |
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DUFF GOLDMAN . CRIME: Covering cakes in enough fondant to choke a horse. . SENTENCE: Duff and staff must create a lifesize replica of Andy Rooney naked, using only cake, buttercream, and Paula Deen’s old dentures. |
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BOBBY FLAY . CRIME: Cluttering up the shelves at Kohls with his tacky, overpriced products. . SENTENCE: Must wear an outfit from Kohls at his next wedding, and while filming every TV appearance until he fades into oblivion. |
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GUY FIERI . CRIME: Showing up to work wearing more tacky gold jewelry than Flavor Flav. . SENTENCE: Thirty minutes in a boxing ring with Floyd Mayweather. |
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SANDRA LEE . CRIME: Exposing the world to the terrifying monstrosities she calls “tablescapes.” . SENTENCE: A lifetime eating on plain, undecorated picnic tables with splintered wood seats. |
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---South Park Versions Of Food Network Chefs---If Food Network Chefs Advertised Other Brands
---Duff Goldman In Hawaii
---Photos Of Famous Chefs When They Were Young
---Food Network Superlatives
2 Trackback(s)
- Nov 12, 2009: Food Network Chefs: You’re Under Arrest « Food Network Humor – Consolidation Debt Loan Non Profit
- Feb 10, 2010: Beau MacMillan Worst Traffic Violator in America « Food Network Humor
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
Ehh, Aunt Sandy’s punishment could have been different and a little harsher. The death penalty would have been nice.
I pity Ina…her sentence is cruel and unusual…
LMAO. All this time I’ve trying to figure out who Guy Fieri reminds me of and you’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s a white Flava Flav!! – only yuckier!
Oh no !!! I can’t imagine Ina ever being arrested for anything. Ever !
But HA you can throw away the key for the rest of them . . .
Hamptons Correctional. That’s cute. :)
I think this is overlooking Sandra Lee’s many crimes against humanity though! She’s teaching a whole generation of people how to never ever need to learn to cook properly.
btw, that pic of Duff is hilarious!
hahahaha, best one yet
Sandra (hic) Lee’s punishment needs to be stronger, she can’t take another drink for the rest of her life.
That’ll learn her.
Watching a re-run of FN Challenge Rice Cake Bridges II. Jesus wept! This woman named Stevie Famulari should be charged for calling herself an Artist! Really? My first guess would have been Attention-Seeking Psychotic Crack Whore. Why do they keep inviting this simpleton back to FN Challenge?
Seriously, what is UP with her? Oh, right…Attention Seeking Psychotic Crack Whore. That does explain it….
They need to give her a drug test before they allow her on the show again :-p
@Laura, YEAH! I KNOW! She’s crazy. She set fire to Kerry Vincent’s birthday cake…
Isn’t she the one that wrapped a Christmas Tree in edible cellophane? She is a bit out there, in my opinion.
I just watched a few minutes of Steven Raichlen’s “Primal Grill” show on PBS.
Freaking Bobby Flay should be arrested as a poser for his BBQ skills compared to Steven’s.
Giada should be arrested for her overexposed decollete and perennial grin. The punishment, this Italian suit of armor:
http://www.armory.net/item.cfm/RecordId/8205-MR.htm
@Laura
” This woman named Stevie Famulari should be charged for calling herself an Artist! Really? My first guess would have been Attention-Seeking Psychotic Crack Whore ”
I don’t get it, either – she is neither artist NOR cook (at least from what I’ve seen).
Plus she kind of scares me. I bet dogs bark at her.
Aunt Sandy didn’t get caught for a DWI? I guess that would’ve been too easy. A drunk like her obviously has superior motor skills under the influence.
30 minutes against Floyd Mayweather for Fierrrrri?
What would Mayweather do for the other 29 minutes, 55 seconds?
LOL!! Kick Ferry’s lifeless, bloated body?
@Derek Lutz. btw, nice “Back to School” reference. :P
L O L @ all of these! I love this site and Jillian, I think your awesome & witty!! love ur site!
lol I thought Ina’s crime would be that “slurping” she does
Funniest thing about this is that Guy’s pic actually looks like a mugshot. Everyone else is smiling in their pics.
Ina’s penalty should be a lifetime of average olive oil and vanilla extract.
Barb…lol! Truly. That Californian olive oil she uses…I’ve priced it at Williams-Sonoma and it’s $28 a bottle! Must be nice. I do admit I use Nielsen-Massey vanilla, but we have a place here that’s it’s a decent price. I like Ina, but I think her crime is more for the overuse of the phrase “How bad can that be?”
@ Cat Chow: hehe. Ina’s slurping! I’ve never seen it mentioned before so I assumed no one else noticed. She doesn’t slurp when she’s speaking aside from when she’s cooking, so the logical conclusion is that she’s salivating over the food! Double eeeewwwww!
Just want to wish everyone here at FNH a safe and happy Labor Day weekend! CR
@Anon, thanks for noticing.
@CatChow & Laura – are you talking of her constant sucking in of air whilst she speaks? “This chicken I cooked for Jeffery is going to be fabulous(ffffffffftt)!” I didn’t think anybody noticed it either. She reminds me of Doctor Leckter when he describes to Clarise “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chiati (ffffffffftt).”
This is truly hysterical, thanks for the laughs!!!
Don’t foget the Neely’s though
Crime: nauseating sexual references and mugging shamelessly with their dour relatives
Sentence: separate cells at the Monastery Of The Holy Spirit and duct tape to cover Gina Neely’s brain freeze inducing voice tone
@Olive: forget Gina. What about Pat’s nauseating laughter?! He sounds like some kind of sleazy pimp! (ditto for Sunny Anderson, btw). And don’t get me started on his over-the-top attempts to convince us (or maybe himself?) that he’s in love with his wife. Frankly, I feel sorry for Gina. Could you imagine having to spend the day with your husband’s big head up your ass-while you’re trying to cook too?
I gotta go along with the Neely’s – surely they are breaking some law of man or nature.
To me, he’s a sweet guy, but classically abused husband. WOE be it to him if every sentence he utters is not in praise of her highness.
Woe be it to ANYONE, for that matter!
Byrdie’s right, Ina has a certain Hannibal Lecter quality to her. Where does one find “really good” fava beans?
The Hamptons!
Don’t recall Ina having ever cooked fava beans, but I know that Giada has! That grin. It’s that grin!
Well, if they came to Ina she could cook Bobble head, man lurking in the foyer, unsaved midget and frantic spastic for all of her gay friends…
@Laura @Byrdie @Ferd – makes you wonder what culinary “treat” she hasn’t cooked yet…wonder if she should consider The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover as the new show title instead of horking Barefood Contessa from the lovely Ava Gardner. Her slurping sound goes better with TCTTHIW&HL.
Re:The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover – Shout out to the perless Helen Mirren!
@Bork Bork – I intended to include you on the same post where I added @Laura @Byrdie and @Ferd…sorry!
Hahaha I have no witty response except it was hilarious:)
Ina as Sweeney Todd?
Is bad grammar an offense? I’m sure we could arrest a few “chefs” on that one. :o)
[...] This woman named Stevie Famulari should be charged for calling herself an Artist! Really? My first guess would have been Attention-Seeking Psychotic Crack Whore. Why do they keep inviting this simpleton back to FN Challenge? avatar Matt …Next Page [...]
[...] machines. Silly Beau, mugshots are for Nick Nolte and Lindsay Lohan .. not Food Network Stars. Hmm, or are they? Other posts on Food Network Humor:—Food Network Has The “Worst Cooks In [...]