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Famous Foodies By The Smell (Part 2)
Published on: September 29, 2009 – 10:35 am by Jillian Madison 
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AARON MCCARGO: Manwich mix, cheap aftershave, and tarnished 14-karat gold
DUFF GOLDMAN: Vanilla frosting, Mary Alice’s perfume, and dirty laundry
MELISSA D’ARABIAN: Frozen bacon, diapers, French bread, and insecurity
INA GARTEN: Hydrangeas, BMW leather, the seafood section at Whole Foods, and GOOD vanilla
THE NEELYS: Barbecue sauce and strawberry condoms
GORDON RAMSAY: John Dory, halibut, beef Wellington, and *#%^ c*!%fu^
MARTHA STEWART: Cashmere, hot glue gun, prison bedding, and ego
GUY FIERI: Gas station bathroom, sweat, Rogaine, a basset hound’s dirty ears, and LUCK
TONY BOURDAIN: Chinese beer, stale cigarettes, hair gel, and indifference
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Famous Foodies By The Smell---Martha Stewart Tells Rachael Ray A Knock-Knock Joke
---Thanksgiving Tips: Helpful DO’s and DON’Ts
---Thanksgiving Tips: Helpful DO’s and DON’Ts
---Cookalong With Gordon Ramsay: Episode 1
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten porn, Giada's gone Chinese, a review of Giada's Parmesan Garlic Dipping Sauce, Paranormal Cake Challenge, Down Home with the Neelys and Gina's rude sister, NFNS recap, tons of listener mail, and more!
LMAO. Unfortunately for Martha, the smell of prison bedding lingers. SO I HEAR! I haven’t been to jail or anything. Honest. :)
Really clever. Nice job. I want to know why they only cook Wellington, JohnDory, risotto, and halibut at Hell’s Kitchen. Every week its the same thing.
LMAO. Anthony Bourdain *is* indifference. Nailed it.
And now that you mention it, Duff Goldman does look like he’d smell like dirty laundry…
i spent a few hours in a prison cell once about 15 years ago and that bedding reeked so bad. it smelled like wet dog and ass. i’ll never forget it.
What does good vanilla smell like anyway? I assume it smells just like bad vanilla!
Yeah, that’s true, Jenna. I think FNH should conduct a test: make one batch of chocolate chip cookies with $25 GOOD vanilla and one batch of chocolate chip cookies with $5 BAD vanilla. I bet they’d taste exactly the same.
AUNT SANDY: Cheap booze, Mrs Dash, Silicone, Aqua Net and Vajayjay
Cook’s Illustrated rated the best tasting vanilla as the generic CVS pharmacy brand. $.99. No joke. And it’s imitation at that. Highly doubt ol’ Ina will be using it though.
Also, love how you give Guy Fee-Eddie a hard time. That guy is a prick.
LMAO “a basset hound’s diry ear”? OMG these are freakin’ hilarious!
Ugh. I also have to comment again on how hairy that Duff dude is. I mean, really. I just imagine finding little beard hairs swirled in the icing of his cakes. Or, I guess I should say rolled in the fondant.
I bet Aaron uses Aqua Velva.
…or as Aaron would spell it, “Akwa Velvuh”
Mel, can you imagine what his back must look like? I just grossed myself out.
Syd, I don’t even want to imagine…
Ok Syd, thanks in advance for the the nightmares……..
LOL
Given their hot & heavy antics in the kitchen, I would think that there are plenty of other “aromas” eminating from Pat and Gina.
@Syd: Probably easier to stomach than Guy Ferry’s front. But, I realize that’s splitting hairs (uh, no pun intended).
“a basset hound’s dirty ears”. HA! Classic. :) I don’t know where you come up with this stuff, Jillian, but keep it up!
I’m not sure if the last part was meant as insult or just observation. I went to the Olympics and can say that, over there,
Chinese beer isn’t any worse than the standard American Macro… Since you shouldn’t drink the water (thanks for telling me 4 days in fucktards) you drink a lot of it… it does the job, a lawnmower beer….
they are really chickenshit when it comes to American cigarettes though… especially with Marlboro reds…. which is surreal given the shit they normally breathe….
ok… long story short i know why tony fits in east asia…. and yes, i’m drunk right now, but i work nights…
You think Goldman is giving Mary Alice the high hard one ?
The way she kisses his lard ass and talks like he invented cake, you’d think so.
I’ll bet Goldman’s breath wreaks of Manthorne’s schnurgus too.
Let’s leave Ina alone. I think her use of the word “good” is just a mannerism or figure of speech. My ex always used to use the word “nice” in connection with food. I got a “nice” roast. I bought a “nice” loaf of bread. And in the rare instances where the word nice was not employed, I would always tease by saying “Really? Is it a NICE roast?” Or I’d ask how one could tell a nice roast from a nasty roast in the super market.
You forgot Duff Goldman: Stale sweat and an acre of ASS!
@Motzi Greps – “AUNT SANDY: Cheap booze, Mrs Dash, Silicone, Aqua Net and Vajayjay”
PERFECT!! LMAO
In my dirty sexual dreams, gordon ramsay also smells like Bangers and Mash!
@Sarah – for sure duff and mary are secretly getting it on in the cake cooler.
PS. the bordain smelling of indifference is probably the most clever thing I have read in days. well done!
“Let’s leave Ina alone. I think her use of the word “good” is just a mannerism or figure of speech.”
I agree with you, HandsomeDevil, especially with regard to the “good” vanilla. Ina is probably suggesting the use of pure vanilla extract rather than the “imitation” varieties. I noticed the label on Ina’s vanilla and saw the Nielsen-Massey brand at Williams-Sonoma. It is pure vanilla extract from Madagascar that is known to produce the finest vanilla in the world. Costco has their own version, too.
If others here have been tuned in to FN as long as I have, they might remember Debbi Fields (aka Mrs. Fields) who had a dessert show. She always talked about the importance of using the best ingredients available for baking: real butter, pure vanilla extract, large eggs, etc. Debbi Fields experienced phenominal success by using the finest ingredients for her famous cookies. I think Ina is encouraging her viewers to use “good” ingredients for the best results. jmo
I use Cook’s vanilla products. They have a great site and their prices are very reasonable (IMHO). They have a pure vanilla puree that will rock your world. I use it in pert near everything. Nielsen-Massey is a great product as well. But Cook’s vanilla puree is soooo good!!
Pauler smells of all things BUTT
butter
pork butt
bread’n'butter pickles
buttermilk
cigarette butt
…
And cheers Jillian – Bourdain does take indifference to a whole nuther level !
Am I alone when I say that Anthony Bourdain looks very sexy in that pic????
“Pauler smells of all things BUTT”
How about “poopy”? That’s a BUTT thing :))
@IslandRose
” Am I alone when I say that Anthony Bourdain looks very sexy in that pic???? ”
NO. But, then, bad boys have always been my thing. Especially bad boys with BRAINS!
” How about “poopy”? That’s a BUTT thing :)) ”
Like I said . . . all things
Actually I was sort of thinking of that “butt massage” product she hawks.
Why not Pauler poultry seasonings – breast rub, thigh spread, hot sausage stuffing, etc.
RE: Island Rose and Tony Bourdain…AMEN, sista! Tony is one totally hot dude, in a dangerous sort of way. Love his gravelly voice, but I sure wouldn’t eat some of the stuff he eats.
I’ll Always Choose Tony!
Bourdain Rocks!
Per the vanilla, “good” vanilla and that McCormick immitation vanilla smell and taste worlds apart. Last week I bought Madagascar vanilla (the “goodest” damned vaniller availbale near me) and it was $11.00 for teeny bottle but my god, my homemade vanilla butter cake with vanilla butter cream frosting tasted better than ever! Sooo worth it, “bad” vanilla will never grace my pantry again.
Yeah, I gotta agree with several other posters here–Tony will always be sexy IMO. And his show, even its lamer episodes, beats anything on FN.
I’d like to add Axe body spray to Guy Fiedddi’s list.
Guy’s more of a Hai Karate kind of guy, I suspect.
Add to Ina Garten: self-satisfied farts and gay boyfriends’ colognes. Overall, the effect is something along the lines of “Eau de Hamptons F*g Hag.”
In that pic of “Chef” Duff, it looks like he’s pointing that torch right at his leg.
Tony does NOT do it for me. I think he looks like Bea Arthur.
@ MIsha: thanks a whole lot. Now I got the “Maude” theme song in my mind. Good call, I see the resemblance, but have this feeling Bourdain would have nothing to do with the recentl departed Maude
“… then there’s Maude, and then there’s Maude…..”
Jesse James is on the Food Channel now?
I blame Sandra.
Somebody PLEEZE take his torch and ratty poser hat away so he can get back to cooking.
And I would KILL for a weekend (or even lunch) at Ina’s house.
Food, brains, a killer view…..
Robin Miller: leftover chicken, Murine eye drops, and old leather
Sunny Anderson: Viva paper towels, lime juice, L’Oreal shampoo, and fatties
Jeffrey Steingarten: Macy’s Men’s department, A-1, Lectric Shave, and cantaloupe
Ming Tsai: LA Looks hair gel, DVD cases, oysters, lemongrass, and car interior
Bob Tuschman: Noxzema, sausage, suede, and money from over-marketing Food Network personalities