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Guy Fieri Rock n’ Roll Culinary Tour Set To Destroy America
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Guy Fieri will soon be taking America to a new low by combining the worlds of food, rock n’ roll, and douchebaggery. You see, the Guy Fieri Road Show (or the Hide Your Daughters Tour as FNH reader Lou called it) will soon be traveling the country, spreading joy – and possibly e. coli – to all involved.
According to Guy’s website, “it’s food, rock n’ roll, and everything they won’t let me do on TV!” So basically, expect him to start lighting souffles on fire from across the stage with streams of his own alcohol-saturated urine. (Sorry, had to go there or my blogger card would have been revoked.)
Guy stole modeled his 2-hour food-a-palooza after a high-energy rock concert, and will be traveling from city to city on two tour buses with his culinary krew. (FNH Translation: For $50 and up, you can spend 2 hours eating and listening to music in the same room as some middle aged, “only famous in his own mind” dweeb and his group of misfit friends, who are all embarrassing themselves in public by desperately trying to recapture their youth and live out their failed dreams of being rock musicians. More or less.)
“We’ve been test-driving this concept on a smaller scale and the adrenaline of the crowd is through the roof,” said Guy. “Putting on a show for my fans that marries food and rock n’ roll with blow-your-mind entertainment is a dream come true.” Blow your mind entertainment? Let me guess, that involves two squirt bottles filled with tomato based marinades, right?
The names for the seating packages are about as obnoxious as one might expect. For example, the $250 “Off Da Hook” package includes a seat on stage, a tour laminate, a copy of one of his ridiculous books, 2 squirt bottles, and a pre-show meet and greet. That’s a lot of money for his target fan base, which I’m assuming consists mostly of fry cooks at McDonalds.
Pre-sale tickets start at $35 (+ $3,000 in Ticketmaster fees) and go on sale today. The password is “FLAVORTOWN.”
Of course it is.
(Thanks to everyone who sent in the tips!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Guy Fieri vs A Rock---Time Magazine Calls Guy Fieri “The King Of Lame”
---Ina Garten Storyline On 30 Rock
---5 Things Guy Fieri Could Do To Be Less Of A Douche
---Guy Fieri Forced To Cancel More Of His Stupid “Road Show” Appearances
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40 Responses
I suppose you’ll get to hear him talk dirty to his food.
since he can’t do that on tv…oh shit the mind it boggles
It’s official, douchebags across the country are now going to gather to stop Guy Ferry from giving them such a bad name.
Required Guyisms posted for further reference:
Off the hook.
Asinine bleach jobs.
Money.
Wristbands.
So Money.
Wear sandals into kitchens.
Insert Flame from Penis here.
“start lighting souffles on fire from across the stage with streams of his own alcohol-saturated urine.”
Nothing funnier has ever been written in the history of man.
Funniest article ever. Agree with Lou. That line has had me and the people in my office laughing our asses off for the last 10 minutes. What a visual.
Let’s look at the bright side. First, all the douchey fans will have purchased a ticket for a venue that will have them congregated in one place at the same time. That will leave the normal people free to roam without fear of being exposed to their disgusting grooming habits(or lack therein), odor or garbage mouths. And if someone had a mind to, why they would go to that venue and put a broomstick in the auditorium door handlesso they can’t escape. Of course, you would only have to do it to one door, because once they check one door and realize they are ‘locked’ in, they would be too ignorant to check the other twenty doors! HA!!
….featuring Woody’s Liquid Kitchen? Let’s just hope that’s not Guy’s nickname for his “little guy” if you catch my drift.
Imagine how bad that tour bus is going to smell. I shudder to think.
@Lou. LMAO!
I don’t know what’s worse, this asinine douche-a-palooza, or the dilholes that will actually pay $250 for the dee-luxe package. It’s truly mindboggling. Just thinking of all the sweaty rednecks and the smell of burning meat in one place is making me nauseous.
Oh crap, now I have to go to his website to see if he’s coming to a town near me. One moment …
Whew! Looks like I’ll be far away enough for the stench not to reach me. The prices are outlandishly high. Have fun, suckers!
@Doszapatos….”I suppose you’ll get to hear him talk dirty to his food.”
His food should answer back in Pauler’s party-dirty-talk twang!
@Fred- I just did the same thing, but I’m not so lucky. He will be about 20-30 mins from my house. Kewl huh.
He has some guy named Cletus (I think) blogging for him and he sounds just as juvenile as his main dude. And why would someone keep blogging if they are getting zero comments.
Oh well, this guy just drives me nuts. GROW UP already.
Okay so how do we go about getting a sponsor to pay for FNH to go to this ridiculous event and cover it for the rest of us ingrates!!! Jill, you’ve gotta go.
I heard Candunce just score a exclusive interview with him about the tour… cover photo and everything…
@Gayle King…..what the hell is Woody’s Liquid Kitchen anyway? Are we supposed to know this?
Why doesn’t this piece of dogshit just go away ? Maybe this tank on a grand scale and this jerkoff will finally figure out he ain’t worth a pinch of coon shit.
Candas scored an exclusive with him ? You think fellatio was involved ?
I saw the first few minutes of one of the “test-drives” of this show a few months ago. Uh, yeah. Adrenaline was, in fact, through the roof. I mean, it was almost freaky how much the audience was mesmerized by GF’s antics on the stage. My daughter and I both agreed we had to get outta there before we got sprayed with fan slobber.
When I say freaky, I really mean … really … frighteningly freaky.
Prediction: the tour is going to be a huge success, totally make bank, dates will be added and Guy’s friends will be completely exhausted by the end of the tour.
Traveling in a bus, coast-to-coast tour, 20+ dates in 30+ days? NOT easy. Just ask any REAL rock stars.
The bad news? He will be within 30 miles of my town at one point.
The good news? That point within 30 miles of my town is Detroit. Maybe he can be shot or something…please, let the gangstas have him!
I just checked my arera. OMG. Mesa Arts Center. The Charles Manson of the culinary world is going to be 10 minutes from my front door. Holy freakin crap.
I just can’t believe Fieri actually has fans.
Oh and I read in my local paper today that the Deen boys are coming to a local B&N to sign their new cookbook, who really gives a crap about the Deen boys? WTH is the world coming to?
mesa art center is a classy joint. I cannot believe they booked the klassless kulinary krew traveling freakshow.
“Putting on a show for my fans that marries food and rock n’ roll with blow-your-mind entertainment is a dream come true.”
Probably just like the last Grateful Dead concert I attended (which was in Chicago@Soldier Field, Chicago, Jerry’s last). Disappointgly mind blowing music and grilled cheese sandwiches and couscous, perfectly married.
Shmuck du jour.
Perhaps, hopefully, his last also.
UPDATE!!! Whew, luckily our favorite douchebag is skating just to the north of me, just behind the ‘Cheddar Curtain’.
I will have to enthusiastically tell my ex-in-laws(hicks) that Gui-bag will be at their beloved Harrah’s in Council-tucky (Omaha). I’m sure they’d break out their “Diamond Club Cards” if only Paula “butter-on-a-stick” would join him.
Well, at least the breakfast buffet at Harrah’s would be more satisfying, so would the urinal mint.
“The bad news? He will be within 30 miles of my town at one point… That point within 30 miles of my town is Detroit..”
@Matt: I haven’t been to Masonic Temple for years. It’s been in a sorry state of disrepair because most major productions come to the Fisher, Fox, Detroit Opera House, or the Palace. That Fieri’s Fiasco isn’t coming to one of the “nicer” Detroit venues says a lot. Given the state of the economy in and around the Motor City, I can’t see there being an audience for this sure-to-be-joke of a show that comes to town during the holiday season (12/4).
(Quick FYI: I deleted Spark’s comment. Simply saying “FNH IS STUPID AND UNFUNNY” didn’t lend to the conversation at hand. And besides, I can see their IP and know who they really are. I’ll just leave it at that. Carry on!)
Oooh, oooh, who is it? Canduce?
Wonder if Guy’ll try a Blackie Lawless stunt – remember the guy from WASP with the pyrotechnic codpiece?
http://criticalmass.blogs.citypaper.net/blogs/mu/files/2008/09/blackie4xk.jpg
For those who don’t know, it backfired one night and … well … OUCH!!!
He did recover – don’t know if he lost an inch or two, tho’ ;)
He did
@CherryRose, maybe he can have his show in the old Michigan Central Station then! Hahaha :)
But yeah, it’s really sad to see the Masonic falling apart so badly. I hope that it can be saved. (Although with Guy inside, the only tear I would shed would be a tear of joy if it were to be bulldozed at that moment).
@Matt: Did you see my Motown song about Bobby Flay on Jillian’s Paula Deen thread above?
My parents like Guy Ferry. They think he’s a cool and interesting guy that makes good food. I threw up a little in my mouth too. But, they have good taste and know what’s cool and what’s lame (yet they like Guy). Either they would want to see this or skip it, if it even comes to Los Angeles.
I really hope it doesn’t.
@Cristine: Guy Fieri’s Roadshow is coming to L.A.
Dec 17 Los Angeles Gibson Ampitheatre
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Evidently Douche-a-palooza was taken?
Please tell me he is not coming to Pittsburgh.
Closet is Kimmel Center in Philly on 11/18.
Entire schedule for the Fieri Fiasco is at this link:
http://www.guyfieri.com/tourdates.html
“Please tell me he is not coming to Pittsburgh.”
Nope, but Philly on 11/17.
Thankfully, Philly is plenty far enough away for this Pittsburgh-area resident to avoid the stench of all that is Guido.
According to Guy’s website, “it’s food, rock n’ roll, and everything they won’t let me do on TV!”
I can see it now:
Guy holding two pieces of liver around his “manhood”, fantasizing aloud about his greasy, buttery Ménage à trois with various FN hotties, Bobby Deen included.
We all know what the “liquid” cumming from Woody’s Kitchen is. Sweet Cream Butter, that’s “money”.
I do have to say. I have met Guy Fieri when he was shooting “Triple D” in and around Buffalo, NY. While his TV persona does make me want to put a plastic bag over my head, in person…he’s surprisingly not SO bad. When the cameras aren’t rolling Guy definitely tones it down a lot and all of the catchphrases like “money”, “killer” and everyone’s favorite “winner winner, chicken dinner”, etc. are surprisingly non-existent. While still only tolerable in small doses, non-TV guy is slightly closer to an actual human being.