Giada De Laurentiis »
Inner Monologue Of A Piece Of Garlic On Giada’s Counter
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Of all the counters of all the kitchens in the world, I had to end up here with this broad and her collection of 5 recycled recipes?! God, I hate it here. The entire place reeks of rancid citrus zest and discarded Crest White Strips. And these counters are cold. So cold!
Let me guess – she’s going to chop me up and saute me in olive oil and drizzle me over a plate of spa-GIT-hee? How original. I’d rather end up as a subtle undertone in a warming bowl of bull penis soup on an episode of Bizarre Food. At least Andrew Zimmern would appreciate me.
Look at her standing there, in that tank top dress thing. Did she borrow that from her neighbor’s 7 year old? And would it kill her to put her hair back? She’s cooking food, not posing for a GlamourShot. OH GOD, SHE’S COMING THIS WAY! I swear, if she pairs me with that lemon, I’ll release a billion allyl methyl sulfides and no one will ever want to kiss her again. Parents will shield their children in horror. Farm animals will pass out at her feet. Don’t test me, Giada. You know I will.
Phew, that was a close call. She took my chunkier cousin instead. I knew Jenny Craig would pay off. At least I have a decent view of the ocean from out that tiny window. Oh look. There’s Spencer Pratt. He really needs to do something about that disgusting flesh colored beard. And is that Chastity Bono? No, it’s Guy Fieri. Should have known. Chaz Bono has a much bigger package.
OH MY GOD, SHE’S COMING THIS WAY AGAIN! Oh no! She grabbed me and put me on the cutting board. I don’t have much time! Now I must bask in my last sunless moments under the shady mountains of her breasts.
Ahhh! She’s ripping me open! The Opi nail polish! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! Farewell, cruel world! FAREWELLLLLLLL.
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---Giada Redesigns Official Website; Answers Many Burning Questions
---Giada Launching Kitchen Gear Line At Target
- Giada De Laurentiis
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74 Responses
LMAO! Too funny. Poor garlic. All that Jenny Craig for nothin’!
But… but there was no mention of the ta-tas!
do’h i cant read -.-
“discarded Crest White Strips.”
LOL!
Too funny.
Gawd! She just can’t shut that mouth, can she? Are her jaws permanently locked in that phony smile? She must frighten dogs and children away!
And, yes, the garlic deserves a much MUCH better final resting place . . . like Brian Boitano’s kitchen, e.g.
I’m pretty sure she has to smile like that all the time, when her mom told her she was going to change Giadda’s last name to “De Laurentis”, her mom told her..
“Little Giada… If I change your last name to “De Laurentis” from your crappy current last name you must promise to smile all the time…”
“For you see Little Giada a “De Laurentis” ALWAYS smiles… this is what we do in show biz. Do you promise Little Giada? Do you promise?”
…and thus poor little Giada has been smiling and keeping her word in a lock jawed promise to her mom ever since…
sniff….
Hey, wait a minute! Those aren’t teeth!! Those are pieces of garlic. No wonder that little clove was scared.
“…and thus poor little Giada has been smiling and keeping her word in a lock jawed promise to her mom ever since…”
This is the same Giada who said that she never aspired to be in front of the camera and, in fact, felt that she would never have the confidence to be on film! WTF! I guess taking on the DeLaurentis name eliminated her qualms and inhibitions, and Giada DeLaurentis even found the chutzpah to expose her voluptuous buzooms!
We all must have way too much time on our hands commenting on the boob-toothed one,and give her credit, it is 10 of the same dishes and 15 of the same ingredients that are repeated…
To be honest, when I first heard FN promoting their new show “5 Ingredient Fix”, I thought it was going to be a Giada spinoff, because that’s the total number of ingredients she uses for all her dishes.
“5 Ingredient Fix”
My five ingredient “fix” wouldn’t include garlic! ;)
How could it be Italian without garlic? :)
I have to give Giada some credit, it was due to her first cookbook and Everyday Italian that I started cooking at home. But “Everyday” ran for something like 12 seasons.
Now in this new show I’ve noticed it is basically the same format but she’s using more and more shortcuts now. I’ve been noticing a lot more store bought pie shells and the like. I wind up fast forwarding through the majority of the programs now. How long before it turns into semi-homemade Italian?
“How could it be Italian without garlic?”
I’m not Italian, so garlic’s not a requirement.
That said, I got to thinking about what five “ingredients” that I would absolutely have to have for my “fix” in case of an “emergency”. Fresh berries, a little cheese, some nuts, a crusty loaf of bread, and wine would be a fine fix for me :)
“Now in this new show I’ve noticed it is basically the same format but she’s using more and more shortcuts now.”
I, too, enjoyed Giada’s original “Everyday Italian” series and also bought the cookbook. The newer shows, IMO, are more about Giada’s boobs than her food ;) While this programming might appeal to pre-pubescent boys, it’s not what I want to watch on daytime TV.
“How long before it turns into semi-homemade Italian?”
Only over Sandra Lee’s cold, dead, botoxed body.
@CherryRose – “The newer shows, IMO, are more about Giada’s boobs than her food . . .”
And the almost freakishly white/huge teeth and MOUTH. Look at Melissa and Rachael and Claire – their mouths take up half their faces. And even Pauler’s teeth are unnaturally white lately. What IS up with that?
I guess it’s the way of the world now – phony everything sells :(
Can you picture how Julia Child would have responded back in the day if she was ordered to whiten/broaden her smile and enlarge/display her cleavage?
@DesignerJeans -
I think your scenario is not far off.
What IS her married name? Or did he change his name to hers?
she had her dad’s name at first, Alex De Benedetti, ain’t no way in heck she was changing it to her husband’s due to marriage.
I bet he’s (the husband) is just happy when some _doesn’t_ call him Mr. Giada DeLaurentis…
“What IS her married name? Or did he change his name to hers?”
Giada is married to Todd Thompson. I doubt that Giada has ever been known as “Mrs.” Todd Thompson ;)
“You know, I’m Italian, so I use garlic”
If only Debby Lee was Italian…
OMG, my Italian mom couldn’t do without garlic; we jokingly say she puts it in everything but cereal.
Maybe FN could hawk Giada’s plunging-neck, empire-elastic, booby-squeezing, knit tops, and include Ina’s too. Dress like your favorite FN star for $39.95!
@DesignerJeans
” she had her dad’s name at first, Alex De Benedetti, ain’t no way in heck she was changing it to her husband’s due to marriage ”
Oh so she’s rejected both her parent’s plus her husband’s name for the name with the big $$$.
?
Hey I’d do it, if I had the chance ;)
To be fair, I think her mom did it to her (name changed ) at a young age when they moved to L.A.
Of course once changed, you are correct, there was not a f### all chance in hell that she would change her name to Thompson, so as an adult she knew that little last name of a key of hers, could open many a doors for her…
While I have no specific problem with Giada, I can’t stand the episodes with the fake friends and fake parties. Whenever she holds court at her dinner table, she’s loud and obnoxious. It seems like she’s always pestering her “guests” to compliment her cooking.
“..that little last name of a key of hers, could open many a doors for her…”
I wonder if little Jade’s last name if Thompson or DeLaurentis? Giada means jade in Italian, so the little one is already a chip off the block.
I bet it’s Jade De Laurentiis Thompson!
I just looked it up: Jade Marie DeLaurentiis Thompson.
Everyday Italian ran for 12 seasons ? I think you mean mini seasons. I think real TV networks base seasons on roughly 26 episodes while these people base things on 6 or 13 episodes. What a waste of tape to cover 8 recipe variations.
I almost spewed my coffee when I heard Ass of Cakes was in Season 6 UHHHH ? Just another instance of Tuschman/Folgerson trying to sugar coat utter crap.
Ass of Cakes! LMAO!
Oh Giada and her monstrous head and chicklet teeth. Oh, the humanity.
@Sarah: Yes 12 seasons according to FN.com, which is whatever FN defines as a “season”, clearly not years :)
@Foodieone: I see I’m not the only one to notice the way she talks to her “guests”, she always says “try this it’s good right?” as they nod their heads while taking a bite. And then she proceeds to tell them what’s in it as if they cared. The whole thing so obviously staged, what is the point really? Again FN thinks we actually care to hear about these TV chefs personal stories.
“…Whenever she holds court at her dinner table, she’s loud and obnoxious…”
Love this “holds court” comment! I would never want to be a guest at one of Giada’s soirees because they’re less about the food and more about “Queen Giada” – with her luscious melon breasts hanging out for all to see.
She speaks to people like no one else could possibly have any food knowledge (her guests). Who would want to go to her dinner party? Looks like a bore and snooze fest. Plus, stfu already and just let people eat. Compliments come AFTER people have a chance to savor, not have stuff shoved under their noses with a mandate to “try it, you’ll like it!”
Isn’t it the same with Ina? She’s had about six new episodes, and now we are in the same old reruns again. And what is even more frustrating is the “new” recipes are the same old from last season and the seasons prior. As far as the “mmm, this is good”, the same happens on Ina’s show. Yesterday, for example, she was doing the doggy birthday on the beach (again) and one of the guests just put the fork of cake in her mouth and she was “Oh, Ina! This is fabulous”. I mean, give me a break. Usually us mortals must at least have it in our mouth for, say, two seconds before we gather taste information. So, as with Ms Teeth&Boobs, it’s all staged.
I would trade 10 Ina or Giada episodes for just one with Lidia Bastianich.
I always thought it was weird, the whole “holding court” thing. There was one epi when she was throwing a bridal shower for a supposed “close friend” and she was grilling the bride on where and how she met the guy, etc. If you really were her close friend, wouldn’t you already know this?
Also. It’s OPI’s Bubble Bath. *cough* Not that I’m embarrassed to say I actually have it and noticed the color on the show so when I saw that inane spot of info on her site, I picked it up on my next trip to Ulta… *cough*
@Byrdie: I’ve got most of Ina’s shows memorized and can recite each from start to finish!
I suppose it’s because I really like Ina and the food that she prepares, but I don’t think I’d feel unwelcome at one of her gatherings. I think Ina is a genuinely outgoing, personable hostess who wants her guests to have a good time while enjoying their food. Can’t say the same thing about many/most of the other FN “stars”.
I think Ina would make anyone feel right and home. If she knew you for years or for a day.
She would also prob. also slip some “good vanilla” in your jacket on the way out which would be kind and cute.
Note: Jeffery would be working during this gathering.
Cherry, I couldn’t agree with you more. I just wish new episodes meant more than a small handful of rerun recipes.
@Ferd – love love love Lidia! Giada finds her boring. That ought to tell you something!
“I think Ina would make anyone feel right and home. If she knew you for years or for a day.”
Absolutely! And, as much as I like Ina’s food, I’ve learned so much more than recipes from watching her shows and reading her cookbooks. It’s one thing to prepare wonderful food that your guests will appreciate but something entirely different to show those people a really good time. That’s something that Ina does in stellar style, IMO.
How come nobody ever mentions Giada’s SUPER flat ass?!
What a coincidence, I find Giada boring and if not boring, annoying (or both, definite snooze fest though, the music, the lighting, is it nap time yet?) and Lidia to be engaging, exciting, and *gasp* thought provoking.
Oh and Ina is the essence of class, grace, eloquence, and style, IMO. Good stock, too bad she didn’t have any children to pass that along to.
12 seasons, 6 seasons 3 seasons whatever. I had a dog, Beau that lived for 122 years before I had to put him down. You see my point.
Hey maybe those douchebags at Chelsea Market figure there are 4 seasons to every year. Giada cooked recipes to cover Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, for 3 yrs, so 3 X 4 seasons equal 12 seasons. Awesome. Pass me my Daytime Emmy.
“Hey maybe those douchebags at Chelsea Market figure there are 4 seasons to every year.”
Reminds me of the song from “Rent”: Instead of measuring seasons of “love”, FN measures seasons of $$$$ ;)
“How come nobody ever mentions Giada’s SUPER flat ass?!”
Just a guess, but maybe it’s because we have enough other “asses” and “a-holes” to kick around!?!
i have noticed her flat ass, it looks odd with her big bossoms
Byrdie, I twice have eaten at Lidia’s restaurant in Pittsburgh and loved it. Watching her cook is a joy.
“i have noticed her flat ass, it looks odd with her big bossoms”
Giada’s physique would seem to defy gravity: The oversized bobble-head, gigantic choppers, and huge headlamps make one wonder how her little legs and tiny butt can hold her upright :)
LOL that HEAD! I’m glad that others notice that bobble head that looks like it belongs on a 200 lb woman. I cannot enjoy her other “attributes” for being distracted by thoughts of olives impailed on toothpicks.
If Everyday Boobies uses garlic ” because I’m Italian”, does that make Sandra Lee Russian, because she uses vodka? Who cares, just drink up.
“..does that make Sandra Lee Russian, because she uses vodka?”
I’m guessing that Sandra Lee Christiansen – her real name – is Scandinavian, so the Vodka makes sense to me. Swedish Meatballs, anyone?
But how does that explain the Butterscotch schnapps? Is Aunt Sandy Scottish too?
I think Aunt Sandy is whatever ethnicity has the most alcohol.
“But how does that explain the Butterscotch schnapps? Is Aunt Sandy Scottish too?”
Depends on the day and the drink. By the time Aunt Sandy’s had a few, I doubt that she knows her own name, let alone her heritage! Haggis, anyone?
@ CherryRose: Good call, let’s see how many ethnical/gastronomical stereotypes FNH readers can come up with.
I’ll start, “must be a Jew, ‘cuz I saw a bottle of Manicieviecz(sp?) with his cooking supplies”.
“Ribtips, grape soda, and a Moon-pie, ya know, what us brothers eat everyday”.
“what ya mean laddy, there’s other wys to cook meat besides boiling? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, you must be outcha your f*cking mind!” Says the drunk Turkeybird.
Your turn, wise people.
Ferd said “I would trade 10 Ina or Giada episodes for just one with Lidia Bastianich”.
Hear Hear Ferd! Same here. To me the mark of a true chef or a great home cook is that you want to make those dishes yourself.
And the simple but important things you learn, like Lidia Bastianich stressing the importance of turning off the fire before adding the Parmesan cheese to the finished dish so as not to “cook it”.
And the sheer joy of watching her handle the food, and tasting it with such gusto. The woman makes me want to run to the kitchen and cook.
Then when watching Giada…totally uninspiring and contrived. I have to agree, those forced and pretentious moments with the guests…Giada so animated and bossy, it makes me want to hurl a pre-cooked chub of polenta right at her bobble-head.
“Then when watching Giada…totally uninspiring and contrived.”
Those “food-gasms” of Giada’s have gone beyond bizarre! Talk about contrived ;)
Also, am I the only one who finds it odd that Giada serves herself a miniscule portion of whatever she cooks? It’s like she’s feeding a small child with a play tea set. What’s up with that?
I can’t wait to hear what the Parmaggggggiano Regggggiano and the spa-Gi-tee have to say… <3
CherryRose,
I’ve noticed that too…those itsy bitsy bites don’t account for such an exaggerated reaction to the taste, but if youre making the same 5 recipes over and over again, a bigger bite might be out of the question.
Chiffonade…LMAO…That’s going to be a mouthfull! And the Risssssssssssssssootto, every little grain a scream…
I looked at the garlic for a couple of seconds, then my eyes went right to Giada’s boobs.
“I looked at the garlic for a couple of seconds, then my eyes went right to Giada’s boobs.”
Congratulations, Marty! You’re the consummate FN viewer. It’s not about the food – it’s all about Giada’s boobs.
FN is for entertainment only. If you want to watch real chefs, i. e. Ming Tsai, Rick Bayless, Lidia Bastianich, etc., watch your local PBS station on Saturday mornings.
June 2009 Redbook:
You always manage to look sexy when you cook.
I think it’s okay to cook and be sexy. Why not? I do get a lot of emails from people, especially women, saying to me, “You don’t have to show cleavage to get the male audience.” I don’t. That’s just how my body type is, and I’m very comfortable with what I have.
How do you stay fit, surrounded by so much food?
Small portions. And when it comes to pasta or things that are very filling, I find that after three or four bites, I often don’t need to eat much more. But I will tell you that there are times where I cannot control myself. It’s usually with sweets, chocolate especially.
FN is (or was) like training wheels on a bike. It is (was) a good place to get started if you never really cooked before and you were scared to try real cooking because it looked so intimidating, but there comes a time when the training wheels come off and you’re ready to ride the bike like the “big kids”.
That’s the conclusion I’ve come to after watching a lot of the Create channel and PBS over the holiday weekend.
I liked “Everyday Italian” okay, but I’m not to crazy about the new show.
OhComeOn, I read part of that Redbook article in the dentist office last week. This biotch thinks women are jealous of her because she imagines herself to be a sex kitten desired by all men but in reality she is ignorant for allowing herself to be objectified for viewership ratings. I don’t know if she is pimping herself because she is not all that confident in her own cooking skills or if Food Network is pimping her because THEY are not all that confident in her cooking skills. Either way, it is pretty pathetic that a trained “chef” has to resort to sexing herself up to get people to watch her crappy show.
“..This biotch thinks women are jealous of her because she imagines herself to be a sex kitten desired by all men but in reality she is ignorant for allowing herself to be objectified for viewership ratings..”
Those who are familiar with the Caylee Anthony murder case might know that grandpa George Anthony was watching “his favorite cooking show” at 12:30 on the day that his granddaughter was last seen alive as she and her mother reportedly left the house. I doubt that creepy George was interested in Giada’s “cooking skills” ;) I wonder how pleased and proud Giada is about this detail in the high profile criminal case?
Jaded, methinks she views herself as ‘Hollywood’ where sex sells. Total self-absorption.
I do laugh watching her gatherings b/c most of her friends (and almost ALL of her family) do not follow her cleavage-revealing.
Giada’s family and friends probably know better than to upstage the diva ;)
‘Diva’s’ right on the money CherryRose.
How come she’s not doing Viva-Diva commmercials?
“How come she’s not doing Viva-Diva commmercials?”
Giada using paper towels? I don’t think so ;)
I ‘dunno’ CherryRose………can paper towels be long behind refrigerated piecrust and sugar cookie dough and boxed brownie mix?
On second thought, not a chance, you’re right! :)
ROFLMFAO!!!!!