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Letters To FNH: The Good, The Bad, and The Just Plain Crazy
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(Take a glimpse into my inbox box with this collection of actual e-mails I’ve received over the past few weeks. Some are informative, some are funny, and some are just plain crazy. As usual, my responses are in red. Enjoy!)
1. Aimee wrote in to let us know about a disturbing new trend: Sandra Lee is now invading the radio.
No place is safe now, it seems. I was driving in my car on the way to work at 2:30 PM this afternoon (you go into work at 2:30 pm? Can I have your job? Please?) and heard a commercial on the radio of Sandra Lee telling me to enjoy (responsibly) a cocktail with Smirnoff vodka! Better yet, it wasn’t just vodka, it was their new pre-made cocktails. (Pre-made cocktails? You mean people over the age of 17 drink those?) As we all know, Sandra is about making her cocktails asap! I recommend bringing your mp3 player in the car just to be safe. (Girl, please. I never leave home without my ipod. But thanks for the heads up!)
2. Thankfully, Nancy wrote in with the 911 on Rachael Ray’s eyebrows:
Love your site and have been an avid reader for only about two months. I was on a Xanax when I saw this yesterday but honestly I watched the rest of the show to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. On the 30 Minute show called ‘Pocket Change’ Rachael Ray’s eyebrows were out of alignment. Her left one was way overdone, penciled a dark brown almost Divine-like shape, and her right one was normal color, normal sized. Creep-show! (Thank you, Nancy, for that drug-induced interpretation of Rachael Ray’s left brow. I’m almost afraid to ask what you saw when you tuned into Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.)
3. Ryan wrote in with a hilarious story about his experience at a Paula Deen book signing on Long Island:
The event was last night, and was one of the worst events I’ve attended. I got to the bookstore 90 minutes early, only to discover the store crawling with overweight seniors. There was literally a section for Jazzy scooters to line up. (I believe the term I’m looking for here is “LMFAO.”) I asked one of the workers for a basic summary of the event. Paula would be speaking for “20 or 30 minutes” and then leaving. No pictures, no Q&A as advertised. And her “pre-signed” books were not hand signed by her, they came pre-printed with her signature on the first page. It’s amazing how many people would spent $30 for a cookbook on how to make crappy lunches. Keep up the great site! (Mental note: bring Jazzy scooter to next Paula Deen book signing event…)
4. Marlon is a Top Chef fan:
I just want to say that somehow I came across your website, and I find it soooo damn funny! I like watching the Food Network, but your site usually makes my day even better. Anyways, I noticed you have comments on the Top Chef Las Vegas sometimes. That one douche Michael looks so much like the donkey from Shrek, I would just love if you did something with that. Keep up the good work! (It’s the teeth, Marlon. See exhibit A below.)
5. Snoopy wrote us after watching an episode of Secrets Of A Restaurant Chef:
I caught an episode of Anne Burrell cooking on her show, she was making chicken pot pie. I will never watch again and would never dream of going to her restaurant. She used the same spoon no less then 3 times to taste the dish she was making. It was disgusting to watch. That type of mistake should have been caught by the director, who obviously does not know what they are doing. (Secret ingredient: SALIVA!)
6. Denis wrote in after watching an episode of The Naughty Chef:
Why is the oxygen channel bringing this abomination to the world?! The star “CHEF” whatever her name is (Her real name is Blythe Beck, but her Indian name is Dances With Blazing Pink Chefs Jacket) looks like she ate everything in her pantry plus she has an annoying loud mouth attitude… I’ve lost all hope for the culinary world. (The show is horrid! As in, “worse than Ten Dollar Dinners” horrid.)
7. Mike wanted to let us all know what an idiot Robert Irvine is:
Robert Irvine, on the episode of “Dinner: Impossible”, in which he fails a mission at spoiled brat Dylan Lauren’s Candy shop, WRITES the words “Expresso beans” on his menu board, and pronounces it (along with a sous chef) incorrectly several times. Talk about pathetic! I don’t have access to the clip online, but I had to vent to someone. It’s espresso, people! The man’s allegedly a “world famous” chef?
8. Chris knows more about late-night infomercials than we do:
tell me you’ve heard of robin miller doing a informercial for a magic bullet style product called the ~ninja~. (The ninja? Does it come with nunchucks? If not, I’m not interested.) figured i’d let u know, just in case u catch it. (That was very thoughtful of you, Chris.)
9. Michelle noticed something funny while watching Ace Of Cakes:
You know you’re reeeeaaaallly sick when you leave Ace of Cakes on because you don’t have the energy to go get the remote that you left across the room. (Wow, she must be really sick. Somebody send this woman a fondant-free Edible Arrangement ASAP). With that in mind, am I the only one who noticed that yesterday on AoC, two of the sponsors were constipation meds? Guess that’s what happens when you eat too much “gummy paste”. (HI-LAR-IOUS)
10. And finally, Lizz was wondering if anyone would be interested in a butt massage from Paula Deen:
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
---Letters To FNH: Paula Deen Spotted In Optical Shop
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38 Responses
These emails are always fun to read. I’m hoping that mine don’t ever show up on this blog – unless, of course, they’re intentionally funny ;)
OMG now I know where I’ve seen Michael from Top Chef before. He seriously needs to get over himself.
“Sandra Lee telling me to enjoy (responsibly) a cocktail with Smirnoff vodka! ”
ZOMG!
Snark has become reality!
“Expresso beans”
ZOMG! X 2
Obviously he picked up this bad habit from pillow talk with Aunt Sandy.
To satisfy my super strange Robin Miller fascination I did a search:
google: “robin miller ninja”
Found:
Blogger Kristen says:
On September 23rd I will be traveling to New York for an exclusive blogger event with Robin Miller of Food Network. We’ll be staying at the beautiful W Hotel, and the following day off to The Mandarin Oriental Hotel where Robin will showcase her tastiest recipes with some of the newest tools any cooking enthusiast would love to have. I hear the W Hotel is gorgeous, and I can’t wait to get a peak of the big apple.
http://www.ourordinarylife.com/2009/09/im-going-to-nyc-food-network/
Then she goes on:
http://www.ourordinarylife.com/2009/09/meet-ninja-chopping-warrior/
Remember the event in New York City? I told you all during the event we will get to play with some of the hottest new gadgets. Euro-Pro is introducing the newest product NINJA™ MASTER PREP.
The Master Prep’s Ninja Technology sets a new standard for chopping and blending. It will chop, or blend food without turning it into mush.
Yep.
Robin Miller is putting her name to a “killer” blender….
It slices! it dices!
http://www.surebaby.com/blog/2009/09/15/food-network-chef-robin-miller-blogger-event-nyc/
I see I’m not the only one to find Anne Burrell a little unsanitary at times. I’ve seen her put her hands on raw chicken and then stick the same hand into her big salt container. She might annoy me with her Kermit the frog voice and the overly edited and a bit spastic approach to fit into the 30 min mark, but at least she is a real chef and I can learn some new things. Like putting cream cheese in her pie dough on the chicken pie episode, never heard of that one before.
I’d watch Anne any day over Paula, and the story about her pre-signed books is pretty appauling!
OMG, Robert Irvine and his f-ed up pronunciations! If I hear him say TEM-PURE-UH (Tempura, pronounced tem-poor-uh) one more god damned time on Dinner Impossible, I’m going to kick the crap out of him even with his massively oversized guns and ego.
Figures that Aunt(hic)(burfp)Sandy would endorse (and most likely use) an premade cocktail. Cuts out all that nasty prep work like opening a bottle of liquor AND a bottle of mix. That’s just exhausting and cuts into actual imbibing time.
And I have to add, is there any product out there in the world that doesn’t have Poopy’s face plastered all over it? ugh.
Anne Burell is as nasty and spazzy as they come. Did you notice that not only did she use the same spoon three times, but she dumped back into the pot what was left in the teaspoon that she didn’t ingest — three times! Holy bacteria!
Is it just me or has Robert Irvine become an even bigger jerkoff since returning from his Bob Tuschman detention ?
Or is has someone told him to “step it up” and belittle those around him ?
Anyone know if he is still in litigation for all the crap he pulled in Florida ?
If Nancy’s Xanax experience is anything like mine, she won’t remember sending that email.
Blythe Beck’s voice reminds me of Harvey Fierstein. One episode of that shit was plenty for me.
@Sarah: I’ve noticed Irvine being shorter of temper, but then again, the challenges they’re giving him are a lot harder than they used to be. He’s known not to be a sweets/dessert guy, but every dish has to use a candy from a store featuring 5000 candies? An overnight mission to prepare food for seven restaurants at a mall with an insufficient kitchen and no ingredients on hand? Feed 300 people with food that people can eat without utensils? I’m surprised he hasn’t fricasseed one of the challenge proctors.
On sanitation: Yeah, they all do this, except AB who’s always been obsessed by these details in the show. In seasons 1-2 of 30-Minute Meals, Rachael Ray always cut chicken on her regular board and proceeded without washing anything. When the hosts “sprinkle” things in the pot, some of it goes on the side and down into the burners. Rachael Ray usually sticks a spoon or wooden stirrer down between the burners to hold it and then puts it right back in the pot.
And in general, they do a lot of stuff home cooks would never do. On yesterday’s Essence of Emeril, the Bamster made Coq au Vin Blanc with chicken leg/thigh quarters, starting with a big platter of the meat that he seasoned up—and then he didn’t use all of it! He could only fit 7 of the 8 quarters into the pan, so the last one, pre-seasoned, was just—what, thrown away? Put back in the fridge for some bizarre recipe that needed one seasoned leg/thigh quarter after being out at room temperature?
But that said, double- and triple-dipping is something of a Food Network epidemic. It’s only after it’s been used as a reason to eliminate contestants on Chopped that I’ve seen anyone on the network pay attention to it (other than AB). Oddly, I think Robert Irvine is one of those who does pretty well, because he seems to have a lot of plastic spoons on hand, which is the perfect way to do it—no one would accidentally think of reusing a plastic spoon. (Of course, then the recycling issue comes into play, and you’re back in the hole with the fans.)
I usually only cook for myself, but I still try not to double-dip just to avoid the habit. But it’s just one of a litany of FN “why the hell did they do that” errors. I like Emeril’s “Chicken, Mushroom, and Spinach Alfredo Lasagna,” but his recipe is so whack-a-doodle out there that I had to rewrite it myself. The biggest sin here: assuming that chicken will cook through in 4-5 minutes on “medium” heat. On what, a rocket stove?
Second on my list: assuming that everyone has access to regional ingredients, like Ina Garten did when she set me off here. No, Ina, my local supermarket does not have fresh red snapper or Fromage Blanc, and I’m not going to boil boutique chickens and then throw them away to make your chicken stock.
I really think this is almost its entire FNH-quality category: would you ever do that in your kitchen??
Yes Matt I suppose you are right. Some these new challenges are very hard, compared to previous seasons and to those given to Michael Symon. Symon’s were a total cakewalk.
As for the ubiquitous handwashing and soapdown segment many FN shows utilize, we get it. Wash your hands and boards after handling raw meat and poultry. Don’t pick your nose. You’ll die of bird flu or mad cow disease.
And Matt, you sound like you have alot of time on your hands.
@Matt – Okay this is probably not the best place to tell you this, as it’s taking up space about this FNH article, but I don’t know if we can PM here or not. I must admit I was ready to pop off at you for coming across as pompous and know-it-all. Then I actually read your two links and was actually pretty blown away by your knowledge. I enjoyed what I read and, even if Sarah is correct and you have too much time on your hands, I’m happy I got to reap the benefit of your down time! Thanks for sharing it!
@ Matt – I lived it that area for several years, so I know EXACLTY what you mean. It is very frustrating when you realize you can’t prepare some of the dishes without driving at least 100 miles and blowing your entire grocery budget on ONE meal. I live on the coast now, so the seafood situation is a lot better, but still some of the recipes I see I write off as pure entertainment – just not doable without access to ingredients or scads of money to burn. Oh, well. That’s what good restaurants are for. And for the record, I would never let Paula Deen anywhere near my ass.
I live near a very small town with one grocery store, so there’s not much of a selection (I’ve been searching high and low for party rye, forget it!). It’s not like Ina has any conception of how non-Hamptons a/k/a the real world residents live and cook.
@Matt: I appreciated your links – very informative and interesting. Thanks for sharing!
Regarding unfamiliar/unavailable foods and/or ingredients – this is a true story: Several years ago when my DH and I were on a cruise, I had the cheese plate for dessert, as I often do. There was a cheese included that I hadn’t had previously but found it delicious. I made a note of it and asked our local international market if they could carry it. A couple of weeks later, not only had the cheese been made available along with the other 300+ varieties, the Morbiere (a blue-veined cheese) was featured for tasting that day. I took a sample and commented to the “cheese lady” that it was awesome. She replied, “A customer who had the Morbiere on a cruise asked us to carry it, and it has become very popular.” Of course, I told her that I had been that customer ;)
Many specialty stores pride themselves on good customer service and will do whatever is necessary to please clients. Don’t hesitate to ask! Bon Appetit!
Matt, I loved what you wrote. Not only was it informative but legitimately chastised FN for not living in the real world. I think that the commom element in every show on FN as well is that they make dishes that are unhealthy, full of fat and salt. So you’ve proved those points brilliantly.
On the subject of chicken stock, AB had the best suggestion and it makes the BEST stock. Use chicken wings. I watched for a sale on wings (and for a little chunk of chicken, grocery stores charge up to four bucks a pound). When I found them for 99 cents a pound, I bought a couple of really large packages (four to five pounds) and used one pack per stock pot full. The stock turned out gelatinous and really full of flavor. So forget the three-five pound deli chickens and go for on sale wings. You won’t be sorry. The entire recipe is on FN site; go to AB and you’ll find it.
Matt, I totally agree with what you wrote and I checked out your links as well. VERY informative, much thanks! It’s true, Ina does behave as if the world at large is one big Hampton party. It’s not. I live in Arizona and even though I am blessed to have a few really great specialty stores close by, it doesn’t mean I can afford them. If I really want to do one of her recipes, it always gets drastically changed before it hits the table. I turn it into the “real world budget” version. I guess I could say I watch FN for inspiration and then create my own spin on things.
Chicken stock: I’m with the other posters. My family is allways using the rotisserie chickens from the deli, so I save the carcasses every time and freeze them. When I need stock, in they go into the pot. I’ll strain out the bones, etc. and then refriferate over night. The fat rises to the surface and I can scoop it out, creating a really nice low fat stock.
Wow, #6. Fat hate much?
I’ll agree that she’s brash and loud-mouthed, but the dig, “looks like she ate everything in her pantry” was rather unnecessary. Does it mean:
1. her cooking skills should have less credence because she’s fat (because as eveyone knows, fat people are lazy, slothful creatures)? Or does it mean…
2. that fat people shouldn’t be on TV? Or does it mean…
3. that in addition to owning an undesirable feminine trait – having an “annoying loud mouth attitude” – she’s also that hideous “abomination:” fat?
I WAS fat for a long time and I hated being discounted on everything I did just because I wasn’t a size 2. You hate the show, fine, but shame on you for perpetuating the fat=ugly=evil=stay offa my TV hate.
Anyone notice how hairy that Duff guy is from Ace of Cakes. His 5 o’clock shadow at 9am is just plain gross. I don’t know if I’d want a guy that hairy making me a cake.
Picture Roddy McDowell,Planet Of The Apes, but bald. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s noticed the hair issue. :)
Ex-presso beans- that’s after you make the espresso, right? And Jill, feel free to send a fondant free edible arrangement- I would even send you a sanitized thank you note.
@Matt
You should add to your list; Paula licking her fingers OR THE PALM OF HER HAND then grabbing double handfuls of ingredients to toss into whatever. Then our friend guido wiping his hands on his pants after adding ingredients.
My guess is that Goldman has the “Pampero Firpo apeman back fur too. With all the “hockey” he says he plays, he needs to keep as warm as possible during his pick up shinny games. I have an inkling he doesn’t play too much hockey. When you have the stature of a garden gnome, anything higher than house league is not likely. Or perhaps it’s just more bullshit from him.
Looking like a caveman is one thing, but speaking like a new age valley girl using the word “like” every 4 th word is indicative of someone who is trying to be cool instead of being cool. He is the epitome of being a knob.
Eek! Didn’t mean to threadjack, but I’m glad my experiences proved valuable to some of you.
@Wahoo WIllie: I don’t watch Paula Deen’s shows because I’ve never had a lot of use for her particular cuisine. Before I had to eat lower-sodium, I mostly ate low-fat vegetarian meals, and Paula’s shows just have very, very little that would fit into those categories. I can adapt things from just about everywhere else, but not from Paula. I mean, geez, even her “quick tip” airing as a commercial on Food Network is making grilled cheese sandwiches with mayo instead of butter!
I don’t have a lot of time on my hands, but if I see something early in the morning and it’s on my mind, I can knock something out fast. :-) The lasagna was on my mind because I made it last night to have leftovers for several days. I do most of my FN watching on the weekends. I record a lot of the new shoes on Saturday and Sunday mornings (when I’m asleep) and watch them later in the week after midnight if I’m unwinding or not intensely mentally engaged. Stuff like Iron Chef, Chopped, or Dinner Impossible I can watch in the background anytime since I’m not looking for recipes I can adapt. :-)
This is where I should be nice to Jillian and say that some of this would probably make a good topic for the brand new Food Network Humor Forums. And lest anyone get too impressed with me, I like Anne Burrell. I call her “weird spiky haired woman,” but then again, I call “chopped” I Hate Chef Torture Die Die Die. It really does seem to be designed by people who hate chefs.
Big Blythe, despite not being on FN, is going to provide much material for this site. hard to believe a show as bad as hers is not on FN.
That promo shot of Big Blythe (aka chef Biggie Smalls) standing suggestively with a wooden spoon as if she is getting ready to administer a spanking is both disturbing and revolting at the same time.
Dislike#6: …“looks like she ate everything in her pantry” was rather unnecessary.
I agree, but Naughty Blythe should:
1. Buy her chef coats at least 2 sizes larger to prevent resembling a stuffed sausage.
2. Swing the largest cast iron frying pan in her kitchen at any cameraman’s head who takes a shot of her from behind.
@Teague: I know. I actually turned that show off after ten minutes, and I love those kinds of shows. Not to steal from Patton Oswalt, but she sounds fat when she talks.
A two-pound rib chop for two people, and the only “improvement” she adds is half a stick of butter?
If there’s something wrong with food in Dallas, it’s not that it has too little beer, bacon, or butter.
Matt, I enjoyed your post here and your links. For a long time I’ve issues with the unsanitary practices of a lot of FN “chefs”. I was horrified when I first saw Rachel Ray stick her spoon between her burners. I’ve seen liquids from her pots slosh down there when she stirred sometimes. Who’s directing/editing these shows?
Yay :D My picture made it on here. Thanks Jillian!!
@Cherry Rose: I was selling Morbiere in the mid 80′s. Of course, this was in a wine/cheese/gourmet deli about 3 doors on this side of the Berkeley city limits.
FWIW, the veining isn’t blue cheese mold. It’s ash. I’ve forgotten the story behind it, but it’s definitely not a blue cheese.
Note correct spelling of user name. I’m not sure why it disappeared from the box forcing me to type it in again!
Must be the Xanax! ;)
I think FN has forgotten that we don’t all live in NYC where we can take the subway down to Chelsea Market and get whatever specialized ingredients the chefs can. It’s only been the past couple years since I have actually been able to find chicken and beef stock (not broth!) in grocery stores here, and I live in a big city! It’s still near-impossible to find any other stock, though, such as seafood, pork, even vegetable!
Why is “dislike#6″ so upset? if i went to a restaurant and the chef was fat i would be wondering if she got that way from eating her own food. I am gonna upset some people but being fat is not a disease is a choice and chef blythe chooses to be fat and honestly being that heavy is not really healthy nor attractive. I dont hate fat people but it annoys me that some make it seem like we should feel bad for a person cuz they are fat.
@Cherry Rose: I was selling Morbiere in the mid 80’s. Of course, this was in a wine/cheese/gourmet deli about 3 doors on this side of the Berkeley city limits.
FWIW, the veining isn’t blue cheese mold. It’s ash. I’ve forgotten the story behind it, but it’s definitely not a blue cheese.
I’ve read about the cheese and know about the ash. Still, it’s referred to as a variety of “bleu” cheese, and I think it has the same type of flavor. Not my favorite, but I like it.
I’ve seen more that one food network chef double dip. It kills me, because then they get on other “not tv famous” chefs for doing. EX: An episode of chopped.
I’ve seen more than one food network chef double dip. It kills me, because then there was an episode of Chopped where they busted a guy for it several times. If you’re famous, it’s ok to have spit in your food!