General: Food Humor »

The Top 10 Worst Fortune Cookies Ever

Published on: September 30, 2009 – 2:36 pm by Jillian Madison Comment


[That's not a fortune! That's a threat!]



[That sounds more like lunch on the Biggest Loser ranch.]



[Is that supposed to be impressive? Cave men ate bark and liked it, too.]



[This is what happens when Hallmark writers go rogue.]



[...IN BED!]




[Yesterday? Today? This is a fortune cookie. Shouldn't you be telling me about tomorrow?]



[Then why aren't Chinese food places serving scrambled egg-rolls or General Tso's omlets?]



[They do on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.]



[More like "keep fortune cookie writing away from morons."]



[APPARENTLY.]



Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Food Network Fortune Cookies
---Where’s Andrew Zimmern NOW?
---Tuna Can Cookies
---The Best Worst Sandra Lee Recipe Reviews
---Thanks, Andrew







  1. avatar Syd
    September 30th, 2009

    Jillian, did you just make a reference to the old Altoid oral sex trick? Or am I just a dirty old bitch…

  2. avatar rydee
    September 30th, 2009

    “The food here tastes so good, even a caveman likes it”

    Well, that sure looks like subliminal advertising from Geico, to me.

  3. avatar Amy
    September 30th, 2009

    I got one once that said “You will be hungry in 30 minutes” and another that said “You like Chinese food.” These were both very wise fortunes.

  4. September 30th, 2009

    What fortunes would you like to see your favorite (or least favorite) Food Network personality open?

  5. avatar Freezezzy
    September 30th, 2009

    That last one sounds more like a disclaimer than a fortune.

  6. September 30th, 2009

    I would pay a hundred bucks for Bobby Flay to open the following fortune:
    “May the fleas of a thousand subway rats infest your pubic hairs.”

  7. September 30th, 2009

    mmm . . . another cookie.

  8. avatar moush
    September 30th, 2009

    I wish I had saved the one I got a while back that read “Promote literacy, buy a box of fortune cookies today”.

  9. avatar MichaelLC
    September 30th, 2009

    Alton Brown. – This fortune is .5oz, by weight!

    Guy Fieri – You will need eyes on the back of your head to see what’s off da hook.

    Giada De Laurentiis – Enjoy them while you can.

    Sandra Lee – A journey of 12 steps is in your future.

  10. avatar Motzi Greps
    October 1st, 2009

    My fav: “You have unusual equipment for success, use it properly.” (\)

  11. October 1st, 2009

    Chinese is my least favorite cuisine, so I don’t have many opportunities to enjoy fortune cookies. We do like P.F.Chang’s and go there occasionally. Did anyone see the fortune cookie feature on “Unwrapped” not too long ago? It was probably a rerun, but I’d never seen it before.

  12. October 1st, 2009

    After the last fortune cookie I ate, I think the fortune ought to read “For best results, toss cookie in trash and eat paper fortune”.

    That was one nasty tasting cookie.

  13. avatar Melissa Harper
    October 1st, 2009

    #4 FTW? That is the BEST fortune cookie ever! You guys seriously need to play more Mario!

  14. October 1st, 2009

    These should be posted on unfortune!

  15. October 2nd, 2009

    Favorite fortune I ever got:

    Behind every man is another able man (….in bed???)

  16. October 2nd, 2009

    haha Melissa, I thought I was the only one who got the Mario reference in #4 :P

  17. October 2nd, 2009

    How did I miss that? Now I’ll have to turn in my nerd badge.

    in my defense, “you seek” is not in the SMB dialogue

  18. avatar jen
    October 2nd, 2009

    At a Chinese place in Philly, a friend of mine once got a fortune that read “You will find success in the field of medical research.” So random.

    |
    avatarJML replied on: December 3rd, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    I run a research lab and the Chair of my Department got that fortune in Philly too when he was in school.

  19. October 3rd, 2009

    I got one once that said “You have tasted the bitterness as well as the sweetness of coffee.”

    Ummmm… yeah.

  20. avatar Keri
    October 5th, 2009

    The first fortune on there I have actually received before. I was so freaked out over it!!!!

  21. avatar Jim
    October 25th, 2009

    My favorite fortune cookie fortune: “That wasn’t chicken!”

  22. avatar Redov
    November 2nd, 2009

    One of my roommates got one that said, “The secret to good health is eating more Chinese food.” But my other roommate got one that actually was prophetic–it said, “Tomorrow morning, take a left turn as soon as you leave home.” In order to leave our house, you HAVE to turn left.

  23. avatar Kyle
    November 2nd, 2009

    I once got a fortune that read: “Behind every great man, there are always.” The fortune didn’t even complete itself, and I’m still left wondering what it means…

  24. avatar anon
    November 2nd, 2009

    Am I the ONLY one that saw the 09F9 reference? lolshopped

  25. December 18th, 2009

    My favorite fortune ever: “If you are thinking of running out before paying check, forget it!”

  26. avatar Sara
    January 14th, 2010

    My most appropriate fortune ever was this one. Backstory: I was about 20 weeks pregnant with twins, my husband and I were looking for a house but didn’t have financing yet (since we weren’t expecting twins we needed more space NOW), I was on permanent bedrest after going into early labor and both of us were scared shitless. We treated ourselves to takeout Chinese and my fortune was “Modify your plan” which seemed appropriate, since everything was up in the air anyway.

    Those twins turned 7 yesterday.

Post a Comment



food network humor contact phone number

Subscribe to the Food Network Humor RSS feed!

submit a tip, photo, or article

MONTHLY GOAL: $125
COLLECTED SO FAR: $60
If you enjoy the content on this site and would like to help me pay the bills, please use the "donate" option below. Any amount is greatly appreciated.
Thank you! -Jill



FoodNetworkHumor.com copyright

LEGAL DISCLAIMER