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The Top 10 Worst Fortune Cookies Ever
Published on: September 30, 2009 – 2:36 pm by Jillian Madison 
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[That's not a fortune! That's a threat!]
[That sounds more like lunch on the Biggest Loser ranch.]
[Is that supposed to be impressive? Cave men ate bark and liked it, too.]
[This is what happens when Hallmark writers go rogue.]
[...IN BED!]
[Yesterday? Today? This is a fortune cookie. Shouldn't you be telling me about tomorrow?]
[Then why aren't Chinese food places serving scrambled egg-rolls or General Tso's omlets?]
[They do on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.]
[More like "keep fortune cookie writing away from morons."]
[APPARENTLY.]
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Food Network Fortune Cookies---Tuna Can Cookies
---Where’s Andrew Zimmern NOW?
---Congratulations, ANDREW Bourdain
---The Best Worst Sandra Lee Recipe Reviews
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
Jillian, did you just make a reference to the old Altoid oral sex trick? Or am I just a dirty old bitch…
“The food here tastes so good, even a caveman likes it”
Well, that sure looks like subliminal advertising from Geico, to me.
I got one once that said “You will be hungry in 30 minutes” and another that said “You like Chinese food.” These were both very wise fortunes.
What fortunes would you like to see your favorite (or least favorite) Food Network personality open?
That last one sounds more like a disclaimer than a fortune.
I would pay a hundred bucks for Bobby Flay to open the following fortune:
“May the fleas of a thousand subway rats infest your pubic hairs.”
mmm . . . another cookie.
I wish I had saved the one I got a while back that read “Promote literacy, buy a box of fortune cookies today”.
Alton Brown. – This fortune is .5oz, by weight!
Guy Fieri – You will need eyes on the back of your head to see what’s off da hook.
Giada De Laurentiis – Enjoy them while you can.
Sandra Lee – A journey of 12 steps is in your future.
My fav: “You have unusual equipment for success, use it properly.” (\)
Chinese is my least favorite cuisine, so I don’t have many opportunities to enjoy fortune cookies. We do like P.F.Chang’s and go there occasionally. Did anyone see the fortune cookie feature on “Unwrapped” not too long ago? It was probably a rerun, but I’d never seen it before.
After the last fortune cookie I ate, I think the fortune ought to read “For best results, toss cookie in trash and eat paper fortune”.
That was one nasty tasting cookie.
#4 FTW? That is the BEST fortune cookie ever! You guys seriously need to play more Mario!
These should be posted on unfortune!
Favorite fortune I ever got:
Behind every man is another able man (….in bed???)
haha Melissa, I thought I was the only one who got the Mario reference in #4 :P
How did I miss that? Now I’ll have to turn in my nerd badge.
in my defense, “you seek” is not in the SMB dialogue
At a Chinese place in Philly, a friend of mine once got a fortune that read “You will find success in the field of medical research.” So random.
I run a research lab and the Chair of my Department got that fortune in Philly too when he was in school.
I got one once that said “You have tasted the bitterness as well as the sweetness of coffee.”
Ummmm… yeah.
The first fortune on there I have actually received before. I was so freaked out over it!!!!
My favorite fortune cookie fortune: “That wasn’t chicken!”
One of my roommates got one that said, “The secret to good health is eating more Chinese food.” But my other roommate got one that actually was prophetic–it said, “Tomorrow morning, take a left turn as soon as you leave home.” In order to leave our house, you HAVE to turn left.
I once got a fortune that read: “Behind every great man, there are always.” The fortune didn’t even complete itself, and I’m still left wondering what it means…
Am I the ONLY one that saw the 09F9 reference? lolshopped
My favorite fortune ever: “If you are thinking of running out before paying check, forget it!”
My most appropriate fortune ever was this one. Backstory: I was about 20 weeks pregnant with twins, my husband and I were looking for a house but didn’t have financing yet (since we weren’t expecting twins we needed more space NOW), I was on permanent bedrest after going into early labor and both of us were scared shitless. We treated ourselves to takeout Chinese and my fortune was “Modify your plan” which seemed appropriate, since everything was up in the air anyway.
Those twins turned 7 yesterday.
ha i got one once that said “ignore last cookie” haha FML
I have one that says “You will be hungry again in one hour”
This would have been better had you not put your dumb-ass captions under each picture. Response to comedy should be a unique experience…not everyone is going to have the same reaction…
I got one once that said, “A secret message from your teeth.” I wonder what the message is. . .
Had a fortune from a cookie that read: “Beware of stranger bearing used soda straw.” I guess it means to watch out for a cocain head?