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Take A Letter, Melissa
Published on: October 26, 2009 – 3:15 pm by FNH Guest Blogger 
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This is a song about Melissa d’Arabian and how woefully unqualified she is to be cooking on television. It is sung to the tune of Take A Letter Maria by R.B. Greaves. The new title is Take A Letter Melissa, and it’s been re-written by FNH reader Alex.
Last Sunday as I got home, about half past twelve
There was a woman fumbling around, in an ugly blue kitchen set
I lost my cool, she was a fool
Let me tell you what happened then
I hit my clicker with such fright
And I ain’t going back again
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to me, dear
Say you won’t be coming back
Hallelujah praise God
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to me, dear
Send a copy to Bobby T.
Need to find a new job
You’ve been many things, but most of all
A useless TV host to me
And it’s times like this I feel you
Need to lay off caffeine
Were you wrong to use soy sauce, as a secret ingredient?
It seems that all your frozen bacon might soon
Cost you a show
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to your fans
Say you’re going back to France
Hallelujah praise God
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to your fans
Send a copy to Susie Fogelson
Need to find a new job
When I watch you make shit up
The way it’s hard not to laugh
You might find more pleasure babbling about something else
I never really noticed how you created glazed carrots
It just so happens that’s not true
Would you please find something else to do?
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to us all
Promise you’ll go for good
Hallelujah praise God
So take a letter Melissa
Address it to us all
Send a copy to Jeffrey Saad
Need to find a new job
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Melissa D’Arabian Needs To Shut Up About The Bacon---Melissa d’Arabian On Georgetown University’s Website
---5 Year Old Refused To Eat Melissa D’Arabian’s Food
---Ladies And Gentlemen, Melissa d’Arabia
---FNH Review: $10 Dinners With Melissa D’Arabian
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
Clever!
I am glad they don’t air her crappy show in Canada.
Good job, Alex!! You little ditty is fun and maybe someday, may come true!!
That is just dumb! You actually took the time to write that? I think this is dumber than Melissa…for sure!
Loved the video!
@WANNABECOOK…lighten up….thats the reason for this site…GUT LAUGHIN HUMOR. Alex, loved it, very clever.
God, now that song is looped in my head.
http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2009/10/anthony_bourdain_gets_animated.html
This disturbs and saddens me ever so much. Why, Tony, WHYYYY?
The thing is, this song should be sung to ALL the food network “stars”. Foodnetwork has become a shadow of its former self, nay, its just dead. Back in the day when we had episodes of Sarah Moulten, Mario Batali (he was an ass but the man knew his Italian), etc. Now all we have are ineffectual cooks, people making out (thank you Gina and Pat), non chefs (Paula, Rachel, Melissa, etc) and CRAPPY Reality/Competition shows.
Oh well, so take a letter Food Network and get some real talent. It would be nice to see teaching us how to make something as opposed to whipping up crap that even they find inedible.
I loved this, Alex! Well done.
I usually love the site, but sometimes it’s just a bit too mean, and it just makes the site look like it’s not about fun, but just finding any little thing to ridicule.
@WANNABCOOK…s i said before….lighten up…we are all here to laugh and critique.(there is a bit of a food netword star in all of us)…. God forbid if it is bacon””to the hills i thus run
OMG, that is hysterical. Good job.
When you look like the quintessential picket-fence-golden-retriever-station-wagon mom, and your last name is D’Arabian, you should think about changing it. Either that or try learning to cook edible food.
I can hear the horns between the verses, awesome. Jillian, you got a great group coalescing here.
And Alex, all a guy who grew up on rocknroll (and who loves parodies) say is, “BRAVO”!!!
Keep up the good work. Thanks for making me laugh, again, today.
LOL Alex, loved it!
LOL! Any riff on our dear pal Melissa D’OH!
On a side note, what’s with all of the weeping on the sidelines WANNABECOOK (and Lana)?? Is FNH getting a little bit too snarky for y’all?! Could you please define what’s “fun” and what’s “mean?” I don’t know how we could possibly draw a line in the PC sand here. Seriously?
First, thank you Jillian for posting my little ditty. Thank you, all of you, for the compliments. I’m glad that this song could bring you to laughter.
Alex, this was great! Do more!
Astonishing work, Alex!
You make me blush :)
That shit was FUNNY!!
JMHO