Many talented people work their whole lives and never get the opportunity to appear on Letterman. Yet last night, Guy Fieri – a man who makes a living by eating grease sandwiches and talking with his mouth full – made his second appearance on the show. He was there to promote his new book, Coping With A Two Inch Penis… er, More Diners, Drive-Ins, And Dives (or whatever other uncreative name he came up with for it).

Fieri’s segment was, in a word, awkward. He tried telling some jokes, but bombed harder than Carrot Top at his first open mic night. The audience was so quiet, not only could you hear a pin drop, but if you listened carefully, you could also make out the faint sounds of the yellow sunglasses stretched to their breaking point around his fat meaty neck squealing for help.

Letterman asked Fieri which was better: something that was “downtown” or something that was “money.” Fieri replied, “I actually have to go to the dictionary in Flavortown to get the rundown on that.” See what I mean? Audience. Crickets. Awkward.

Actually, en route to Flavortown, it appears Guy Fieri took a shortcut through Lameville before ultimately getting detoured in Doucheland. It ain’t easy being a Food Network star.

Letterman also asked Fieri where he ate the now-infamous giant hamburger on two grilled cheese sandwiches. Fieri, who boasts a brain cell count of 17, couldn’t remember the location. Instead of admitting he forgets about the shitholes he eats at 3 seconds after he leaves them, he chose to spend the next 15 seconds making confused faces into the camera:

If we interviewed Guy, we’d ask him one question: How long is the list of people who laugh in your face every day?

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