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Holiday Weight Loss Tips For Food Network Fans
Published on: November 5, 2009 – 12:18 am by Jillian Madison 
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The holidays are right around the corner, and they’re all about the 3 F’s: Family, Friends, and FOOD. So go ahead and overindulge on your favorite treats, because we’ve got 10 easy weight loss techniques that will make those holiday pounds melt away.
Paula Deen’s Glazed Ham – 3 ounces, 125 calories
How to burn it off: Hula hoop for 5 minutes with one of Aaron McCargo’s gold earrings.
Eggnog – 9 ounces, 343 calories
How to burn it off: Spend 10 minutes aggressively trying to convince your best friend that Bobby Deen is straight.
Homemade Mashed Potatoes – 5 ounces, 160 calories
How to burn it off: Stand on your feet for 3 hours trying to make the hickory smoker you saw on Good Eats last night.
3 of Barefoot Contessa’s Sugar Cookies – 7 ounces, 810 calories
How to burn it off: Watch an episode of Guy’s Big Bite, and clench your butt cheeks together every time he says “bad boys.”
Candy Cane – 1 ounce, 133 calories
How to burn it off: Write a list of all the words Sandra Lee pronounces incorrectly.
Hot Apple Cider – 1 pint, 232 calories
How to burn it off: Play “Cook Or Be Cooked” on your Wii for 5 minutes, and then spend 10 minutes laughing at how much it sucks.
Glass of Red Wine – 5 ounces, 129 calories
How to burn it off: Force yourself to stay awake for an entire episode of Ask Aida.
Emeril’s Roast Beef – 8 ounces, 368 calories
How to burn it off: Prepare one of Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals in 3o minutes or less. Hustle!
Slice of Paula Deen’s Apple Pie – 5.5 ounces, 411 calories
How to burn it off: Spend 20 minutes swearing at the auto-start videos on the Food Network’s website.
Slice of Paula Deen’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Gooey Cake – 822 calories
How to burn it off: Create a life-size replica of Alex Guarnaschelli out of paper mache.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Which Food Network Chef Has The Dumbest Fans?---4th Of July Tips From Your Food Network Stars
---Ridiculous Food Network Product Of The Week: Paula Deen Hey Y’All Brooch
---Beer Calorie Wars: Now This Is Just Getting Ridiculous
---The Food Network Has Some Creepy, Fanatical Fans
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
It is way too simple! watch food tv programing and loose weight, due to loss of appetite! That and the gagging and throwing up!
3 jello salads from the in-laws, 1 gazillion calories.
How to burn it off: 4 kilowatts of In-Sink-Erator when no one is looking. Just say you’re going to the john.
lol. good one with the “bad boys” thing.
I just saw the Wii commercial for the first time….it does look stupid.
And I have never been able to watch a whole episode of Ask Aida.
Sheer genius…brilliant!
Loved it – thanks for my daily chuckle, Jillian!
I had to laugh out loud at ‘clench your butt cheeks together’! Very funny stuff, Jillian!!
By the way, keep us posted on any info you may get on ‘Tuesdays with Jeffery’…wouldn’t want to miss that, now would we?
so who the chickadee w/ the tape measure around her midriff? doesn’t look like she need to lose anything. and I still love aida. even though I’ve only seen her show like maybe twice? saturday mornings are not foodnetwork tv time.
Very funny, Jillian!
Re: “Tuesdays With Jeffrey” Looks like Ina’s been eating too many bagels with cream cheese, too much brisket, too many latkes, and too many of her lovely Rugelach. How zaftig is that?
Re: “Tuesdays with Jeffrey”-Jillian, I thought Jeffrey was only home on the weekend?
Boy are our christmas parties only going to be fun.No more lazing about wishing that you only had seconds now everybody can work off those calories.Could probably work off three extra scoops of pudding by just laughing at everyone!
Bon appetit, that’s what makes it such a special treat!! He’s home during the week (and spying on what the hell is going on while he’s gone!)
Sneak peak: “Why are we spending $1500 a week in groceries when you’re the only one home, Ina? And who’s that gay guy in the living room?”
looking more closely at that pic wtf is wrong w/ that cookie’s arms?
I’d burn a lot more than 800 calories making a life size replica of Alex Guarnaschelli. I’m just sayin’
Byrdie, what will Ina do with him? She already has all the friends she needs for poker night and bridge. I guess Jeffrey can do the dishes :)
Mikeytwoshoes, I looked and there is something seriously wrong with her arms!
@Mikey: Definitely something funky with those arms.
…just some bad, hastily-done Photoshopping on my part!
@CherryRose
“Re: “Tuesdays With Jeffrey” Looks like Ina’s been eating too many bagels with cream cheese, too much brisket, too many latkes, and too many of her lovely Rugelach. How zaftig is that?”
Do you think Ina will ever make a kugel or tsimmis for Jeffrey? I’d bet dollars to donuts, he’d love it. You know she knows how to make them. Now THAT’S a show I’d pay to see.
@RB: Can’t recall Ina making either – probably because she’s too busy cooking bacon, pork tenderloin, lobster and other crustaceans, and dozens of dishes with meats paired with cheese and/or heavy cream – LOL! Oy!
@CherryRose: thanks for the laugh!
Haha Alex Guarnaschelli, or as Giada would pronounce it, Gwar-nah-che-leeeee.
I saw the AD for “Cook Or Be Cooked” – The WII from Food Network.
I laughed until I cried. What a Waste Of Time & Money!
What IS Food Network Thinking?
lol, by tips from food network, you will be able to lose weight, money back guarantee, lol