Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Margaret wrote in saying:
I would like to have the recipe for the baked meatballs Giada prepared on the show with her Aunt Raffie(?). I do not care one fig about her Aunt’s plunging neckline, etc. just would like to have the recipe for the meatballs.
Oh Margaret, you poor dear. You don’t understand how the internet works, do you. Here, let me save you some time: I made those meatballs last month, and they were more disappointing than an episode of Lassie. I recommend you pay attention to Raffie’s boobs instead. The end result will be far more entertaining.

2. Kathleen wrote in asking:
Where can I buy shrimp and crab cake products in Salisbury, NC area?
Let this be a lesson to all of you bloggers: you make fun of Ina Garten’s shrimp and crab cakes ONCE, and suddenly you’re a food locator. Kathleen, darling, I understand this may be a bit of a stretch, but you might want to try looking for those food products AT YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE. And please, pick up some condoms while you’re there.

3. Lee wrote in saying:
I was trying to email Alton Brown but cant find how. (Psst: that usually happens when you’re trying to email A FAMOUS PERSON.) I am not proficient with this machine. (You don’t say!) I think Alton is so interesting with ALL the details he imparts. Thusly (people still say that?) i wonder if he could look at this set of cook books that i found. (I’m sure there’s NOTHING else he’d rather be doing with his time). How wonderful and historical they are. They are named Stories and reciepies (?!?!) of the Great depression of the 1930′s. (Wow, that sounds really uplifting.) i think they would make a great show. (Let’s air it around Christmas!)… Please respond.
You hear that, Alton Brown? Lee’s got some really great cookbooks for you. They’d make a great show!

4. Judy wrote in saying:
Since you guys have changed your menu, I can’t get on Ina Garten’s page, I’m trying to find her menu for the scrambled eggs, hash browns, mimosas, and corn muffins – how do I get to her page and print the recipe – or do you have to buy all her recipes?
Congratulations, Judy – that’s the longest run-on sentence in the history of Food Network Humor.

5. Dorothy wrote in saying:
Hi, I would like to have the Pastry Recipe that Melissa d’Arabian made in the cooking changle. (First, I would like to have a new car. We can’t always get what we want. Second, there’s no need to capitalize the letters P and R in that sentence. Third, and most importantly, the cooking CHANGLE??? Really? Is that run by Bob Tuschman too?) One of the pastry chefs that was at one of the cook off dinners said that was the best Pastry that he ever ate. (Reviews from Melissa’s father don’t count.) And it also did look good. (The movie Glitter looked good too, but we all know how that turned out.) Hope you know what I’m talking about and can get me the recipe. I would be so happy.
Sorry to disappoint you, Dorothy, but you’re not in Kansas anymore – and we’re certainly not the Food Network. But I am looking forward to checking out The Cooking Changle.

6. Rick wrote in saying:
Thank you for Claire Robinson and 5 ingredient fix – (Whoa. Bold? Underlined? Calm down there, Rick. She’s a cooking host, not the Dalai Lama.) what an adorable host and what a great show. Everything she fixes looks delicious – a lot of it, in fact, is delicious. I know first-hand. (How so? Do you hang out around the Food Network dumpsters?) I’m tempted by just about everything she makes and have made many her recipes. She is so engaging, smart, entertaining, VERY funny – just a blast to watch. You’ve got a real jewel on your hands.
LOCK YOUR DOORS, CLAIRE. LOCK YOUR DOORS.

7. Taylor wrote in saying:
Hello, I am a Culinary student at Mvctc in ohio. If Buddy Valastro reads this i would love for him to contact me back. (Right. Because Buddy Valastro reads emails sent to JILL@FOODNETWORKHUMOR.COM.) I am doing a bio or his life. (A bio OR his life? Sounds complicated.) Must be 800 words. (Buddy. Valastro. Makes. Cakes. Damn. Only 4 words. Good luck with the other 796.) It would just be fantastic if he could give me a call, or he could just simply email me back on my school email xxxxxxx@mvctc.com phone number- xxxx. Thanks!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY?

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