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10 Things I Don’t Want To See On The Food Network In 2010
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1. Annoying family members
Enough is enough, Food Network. I’m watching your channel to pick up some new culinary tips… not to watch John Cusimano clumsily following Rachael Ray around a souvenir shop in Hawaii. Here’s a general rule of thumb: if the family members aren’t adding anything of value to the program (I’m looking at you too, Michael Groover), then get ‘em the hell off my television.
2. The same repeats, over and over and over
Just because I missed Sunday’s episode of Barefoot Contessa doesn’t mean I need to see it Monday at 4, Tuesday at 2, Wednesday at 6, and Friday at noon. Why not mix things up a bit? Play a fun episode from last year instead. LET LOOSE. GET CRAAAAZY.
3. Dirty fingernails
Is it really brain surgery, chefs? You’re cooking on television. Frequent close-ups of your hands are a virtual necessity. I think I speak on behalf of America when I say no one really needs to see the residual dirt under your fingernails from your brief stint in the garden yesterday.
4. Sunglasses on the back of Guy Fieri’s head
Better yet, just ban him from wearing sunglasses altogether. Let the bitch squint. I don’t care. Television – and humanity as a whole – will be much better off.
5. Constant reminders that food smells good
You can’t watch the Food Network for 5 minutes without hearing some schmuck carrying on about how good their simmering garlic smells. “Ooooh, this smells SOOOO good. Mmmmm!” Guess what? It’s garlic. It’s cooking in olive oil. No shit it smells good. I don’t need to see you borderline orgasming over the odor to clue me in to that fact. Come up with another way to get me excited about your stupid chicken dish.
6. Food Network Challenges
No one likes this boring show, so why does Food Network insist on airing it at least 5 times a day? It’s simply awful. If you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen ‘em all. You can only watch Buddy Valastro trying to animate a Santa Claus for so long before you actually start feeling your brain cells dying. Oh, and spoiler alert: Bronwen Weber wins.
7. Paula Deen overdosing on Y’ALL
Paula Deen clearly excels as some things, like cooking with butter, avoiding encounters with dog poo in her home, and slipping the word Y’ALL into a conversation as much as humanly possible. Here’s a typical Paula Deen sentence: “Hey y’all, today on Paula’s Best Dishes y’all, we’re cookin FISH Y’ALL. And y’all… (pause to lick something off fingers)… y’all just ain’t gonna believe how easy it is, y’all.” Um, okay. We get it. You live in Georgia. We don’t need to be reminded of that 25 times every minute, so here’s what I’m proposing: the Food Network needs to set and enforce a strict limit of no more than 5 Y’ALLs per episode. Less is more, Paula. Less is more.
8. The Neely’s constantly asking each other for “brown sugar”
…and then giggling about it to the camera for 15 seconds. That term was funny once. In 1992. But now it’s just annoying.
9. People talking with their mouths full
Get some freakin’ class. Were you raised by a pack of wolves? Frankly, all of the Food Network full mouth talkers are disgusting… but none of them more so than Guy Fieri. He’s the worst. Few things on television disgust me more than his behavior on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Every time he takes a bite of food, the cameras zoom in on his greasy face and he starts talking – mouth full, of course – about how juicy and “on point” it is. You know, I was intrigued by the food until I saw what it looked like splattered on the camera lens after your SALIVA STARTED BREAKING IT DOWN, you disgusting pig.
10. Ina Garten’s same 3 gay friends
For Christ’s sake, Ina. Do the world a favor. Go to a gay pride parade. Pick up some interesting new gays. Because if I have to watch Michael arranging hydrangeas one more time, I’ll lose my mind.
So there’s my list, FNH. What don’t YOU want to see on the Food Network in 2010?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---10 Things I Don’t Want To See On The Food Network In 2010: REVISITED---10 Awful Gifts For Food Lovers & Food Network Fans
---Paula Deen’s Keyboard
---Shocking Food Network/Rachael Ray Magazine Advertising Statistics
---Working At The Food Network Makes You Want To Kill Someone… LITERALLY!
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182 Responses
more adam gertler to come in 2010!
God I feel bad for Rachel Ray’s husband.
EEEEEEW DIRTY FINGERNAILS!
AND an extra hatsoff to #6….I hate that show. Its SO LAME
This list is so ON POINT that it’s difficult to find something you forgot, perhaps another decorated kitchen by Sandra Lee? and I’m sorry but her tablescapes make me nauseous.
Love this post and couldn’t agree more with your hilarious assessments. Especially about Ina’s gays. Don’t forget about Frank and Steven, the 2 homliest gays on the Hamptons. Poor guys.
lol, i’m with Dave on this one.
Haha…true Dave. But she does have TR!
I love it when Ina has Michael come over to do the flowers for a party he’s not invited to. Holy bitch slap!
I would be more okay with Michael’s omnipresence if he didn’t have such a large…FUPA…FOP…whatever you prefer to call it.
OK, I’m dumb. FUPA? FOP?
I often wonder… does Ina pay for Michael’s flowers??? TR clearly didn’t pay for meringues on one episode and the old lady friend of Ina’s was none too pleased…
Brilliant! This list makes me feel validated as a Food Network watcher. You pretty much hit every point that pisses me off. I always bitch to my wife that the cooks talk way too much about how the food smells. The producers are obviously telling them to try to engage the viewer and that is the only way they know how to do that.
I totally agree. I hate it when they talk about trying to come up with a “scratch and sniff” television in the future.
Since Aunt Sandy is all about saving time and money, I want to see her cut to the chase, and just start doing straight shot of liquor, bottom shelf liquor, rot gut. And at the end of the episode show her just guzzling right from the bottle.
Perhaps, when she pulls out the liquor, she could take it from her purse in a nice pocket flask. All true, hardcore alkies (like me) would be proud and cheer!
Totally accurate! But #6 is especially good. Man I hate that show, but it’s on sooo much that I thought I was maybe an outlier and everyone else must really like it.
If I had to add something to the list I think it would be the entire show “Unwrapped.” We get it. Factories are cool. Marc Summers is an all-American guy. But seriously… Let’s stop giving free publicity to really crappy food.
I agree. I have only seen the commercials, never bothered watching the show. It always looked like the same crap every week. Someone’s candy figurine disintegrates. One guy’s cake falls down. Didn’t feel like I was missing anything, but figured the show must be popular with the cretins if it’s on all the time.
i’m glad i’m not the only one who hates food network challenge!
Talking with food in the mouth has always been a huge peeve for me. It’s the smacking and chomping sounds I can’t stand.
Bobby Flay chastising “Next Food Network Star” contestants for using the same ingredients / cooking style and telling them that they need to “step outside their comfort zone”, and then filming any of his own shows where he uses the EXACT SAME INGREDIENTS AND COOKING STYLES EVERY F***ING TIME. Yeah, I think I can do without that in 2010.
Maybe they should just get rid on NFNS. It’d do most of us a favor.
I’ll second that! The new “stars” never seem to be around much after they win. And if they’re going to get lame ex-athletes for shows without having to win a competition, let’s just get rid of the competitions. Besides, there’s plenty of ex-athletes around. Why not give Tonya Harding a show? (I’d watch it!)
“Why not give Tonya Harding a show?”
LMAO! Yeah, and call it “Trailer Park Train Wreck”. Tonya would bash her opponent’s skull with a meat tenderizer and cry in her beer when the kitchen twine breaks on her frickin’ roast chicken.
LMFAO- So True!
Have a episode of chopped with Tonya Harding going up against Elizabeth Lambert.
I think universes would collide if Bobby made anything that didn’t have peppers in it. And enough with “People always ask me, they say, Bobby, what IS an ancho chili? And I say that the best way to descwibe it weally is, it’s like a spicy waisin.” I’d have to follow that up with “Oh….great….that then begs the question WHAT THE HELL IS A SPICY RAISIN??
I meant for the above post to go with the comment about Bobby Flay berating the contestants for always making the same thing. I don’t know why it ended up here.
Can’t Bacon McMommy slip and fall on her frozen bacon and never return? Please, save us from her lame, unorganized, tasteless, Ina-copying, uninspiring, faux-French snobby ridiculousness. Too much to ask?
LMAO!!!
Right on!
My apologies “up front” (pun intended!) to the men here at FNH, but I’m tired of seeing Giada’s rack thrust in front of the camera constantly. There’s no reason to watch her show because it’s no longer about the food – it’s about the boobs. jmo
HERE HERE!!
CR, my mother-in-law doesn’t like Gia for the same reason. But Mom-i-l is fat, flat-chested, and only cooks the same god-blessed, plain, protestant, mid-western things year after year after year, so I tend to think, there’s an element of jealousy, fear, and intimidation on her part.
You, I know for a fact, could out-cook Boobs D, and I know you haven’t a jealous cell in your body.
But other, simple-minded folk, cling to Paula, for she is safe, and reminds them of their slutty, younger selfs.
Me, I can’t stand Giada, she’s too fake. But is nice eye candy. I’d like to have her ladle me some gazpacho while I’m seated.
“You, I know for a fact, could out-cook Boobs D, and I know you haven’t a jealous cell in your body.”
Dank: You are absolutely correct! CR doesn’t need to be jealous, she has many other assets besides being a super cook. Tonight’s chicken paprikash was (insert any apppropriate foodgasm) one of her greatest creations.
Amen, Sister!
I don’t like her style of cooking either.,
And Ina Garten needs to stop cooking w/ a pound of butter in every meal.
I’m a married man, and I’m tired of the boobs. If she is a good cook, she wouldn’t need the cleavage on EVERY episode because the food would speak for itself…which it sometimes does.
She’s a woman…she knows the power that boobs can have over a man…and she tries to use it constantly. Some assets are best left concealed.
When someone in the family asks if the show is an old one, we do not refer to it as season 1, season 2, season 3 etc. but rather “cup a” cup b” or ” Holy moly it must be a recent one, maybe cub D.”
I like food network challenge. I could do without Douchenozzle Keegan the Lesbo™, tho.
New judges and new contestants.
Yea, I don’t mind Challenge, in moderation, at least the cake ones. I always root for Norm, he’s such a loveable loser. The Headband needs to chill, though it’s always amusing when contestants butt heads with her (like that crazy “artist” lady who thinks she can ignore what her customers want and do her own “vision.”)
omg. I love Norm!
He reminds me of Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace.
I had to laugh at the comment about Ina’s gay friends. I don’t think she has any straight friends.:)
Yes, she has Dwyer,um, I mean, DWYYYY-er, who is married to the other Michael, the straght one who always looks like he would rather be undergoing an appendectomy performed by a drunken money without anesthesia than sitting at another one of Ina’s pseudo-sophisticated snorefests of a dinner party. And I presume that her horse-faced assistant BAAAAR-bara is straight, or at least was at some point in her life, because she has a daughter named Ca-SAAAAAN-dra. They all make me want to puke!
Perhaps Dr. Cassandra will perform the appendectomy on Dwyer’s husband, while Michael Jackson’s private physician administers the Diprovan drip.
That’s because straight people would tell her to stop acting so over-the-top. Ina is so boring and repulsive, the only people who tolerate her are her phony, tag-a-long posse.
and butter!! Ina loves butter, and butter loves Ina!
It’s polysexual in a sense.
Ina Garten hangs with gays because other rich Hampton wives are thin, attractive (more or less), stylish and can be a pain the arse with gossiping…and gays won’t judge Ina’s childlessness, weight, style, or appearance.
BTW, why is Geoffry never home? Why does he work so hard being so old instead of living life with Ina? Is he making more money to pass his legacy all on to…the kids they don’t have?
Well, Ina mentioned Geoffry pudgy, works in NY M-F , drives 3 hrs to their home on Friday for the weekend, so she spends her week days with her gays, I’m guessing so it won’t look like Ina’s making ‘time’ with other men…what would the Hamptons think?
I too am sick and tired of the senirio’s of why she is cooking. The time she and Michael took over the house for gay friends, Ina cooked and Michael flowered up the place. He/she said they were the ‘swat team’…working together which made no sense at all. The director needs to look up words for meanings.
“how bad is that, How bad can that be,?” yech..stop FNW
How about no more Kerry Vincent judging anything? She’s stone cold MEAN.
Then you would also have to get rid of Alex Geewhatafatass, as well.
I say get rid of the miserable sow as well. She is total buzzkiller.
Off topic, is it me or does Chef Alex Lardon come off as the love child of Chef Boyardee and Mary Ann Esposito ?
You can’t get rid of Alex Guarnaschelli. She’s one of the GOOD judges on Food Network.
I agree with Peggy! Gotta keep Alex!
I have to admit, I kind of like Alex. Maybe it’s because of her Cooking Loft days. She seemed so nice back then.
I wish they’d actually let Alex be bitchier, instead of trying to sex her up for her new cooking show… which brings me to what I’d like to see from FN this year:
I’m sick of FN thinking we want the chefs/hosts to be our BFFs. I would prefer solid techniques, real tips, and a bit of sass.
aww, come on.. everyone wants to hear the Neely’s repeatedly ask for brown sugar.
On yeah – way more of that, please !
I also think Gina needs to start talking MUCH louder – poor shy little thing, she’s such a shrinking violet.
I’m more annoyed by the fact that they can’t pronounce the word Paprika. It’s not Papa-reka folks. They also could use an italian lesson from Giada because you don’t pronounce the ZZ’s in mozzarella.
Just, ewww!
Please – no more overstating the obvious – like buying stuff in bulk or on sale or in season is CHEAPER!
And then pretending like YOU (bitch!) are the smartest thing because you are the first person ever to come to this realization!!!
(and you know who you are . . .)
5. Constant reminders that food smells good
Behind that one 100%. Oh, and “you should SMELL these FLAVORS!” Drives me bonkers. You can’t smell flavors, people! That’s like listening to the lightening or watching thunder.
Taste flavors, smell aromas. Let’s get our verbs and direct objects in order for 2010. k?
Jeez.
that drives me NUTS. Sandra Lee always says crap like “the best tasting chocolate cake you ever saw!” makes me want to smash my tv with a sledgehammer…
the vocal cadence of Sandra Lee!!!!!!!!!!!! Cool Whip with
some artificial vanilla flavoring ssssooooooooooo good
PA——LEEZE
Thought of some more…
- Andrew Knowlton being snooty and rude (he’s occasionally a judge on Iron Chef America).
- Sandra Lee constantly saying things like, “Now I want you to stir this together”. Just say to stir it, Sandra. Don’t tell me you WANT ME to stir it.
- Duff and his annoyingly uber-hip, super cool artsy crew, especially the guy who always looks half baked.
Meant to add: They (Duff’s crew) all seem so impossibly laid back, it’s almost painful to watch.
“Sandra Lee constantly saying things like, “Now I want you to stir this together”.”
I want. Words spoken by addicts and narcissists.
Who on Ace of Cakes is not half baked?
Could someone over at FN please introduce Andrew Knowlton to a barber???
Amen mimicarcar……looks like a girl. What a snot, who died and left him end-all-be-all-forever judge?
No, dear, that’s just his hair. It became acceptable around the same time it was for women to wear pants and have jobs. Keep up!
Gotta say, I cannot wait until 20-30 years from now when Knowlton turns into Jeffrey Steingarten (with shoulder length hair). He is such a curmudgeon-in-training, although he tries to act all cool and ironic.
“- Sandra Lee constantly saying things like, “Now I want you to stir this together”. Just say to stir it, Sandra. Don’t tell me you WANT ME to stir it.”
Yes, yes – this just drives me bananas! As if she’s not awful enough – she’s trying to boss the viewers around.
Oh, they need to get rid of her.
There are some people that irritate me, and Andrew Knowitall is one of them. Just seeing his pretentious face on the show makes me change the channel. This guy thinks he knows but he really doesn’t. Stopped subscribing to Bon Apetit when I found out he’s part of that outfit
#4 is one I whole-heartedly concur with, at one point I thought Anne Burrell was Guy post-op; but I noticed the lack of sunglasses for a whole episode, and came to the conclusion: it just wasn’t him.
#9 too, but it’s also become more of a game.. “How much can Guy Fieri shove into his mouth, and show us.” So far, he’s up to half of a burger, but I doubt we’ve seen the full extent of his capabilities.
So spot-on. Especially #1. We don’t need to see you attempt to prove to us how popular you are by having every family member and friend you have featured in episodes. Do your job and cook. Guy, Paula, and Giada: I’m especially looking in your direction. The only exception to this rule should be Alton’s daughter–she’s actually talented and plays parts well.
Actually, Alton is exempt from all the rules IMO.
My rule #11 is that there is no possible freaking way that EVERY SINGLE best person Bobby competes against on Throwdown is based in one of the NYC boroughs. Just admit you don’t want to pay a travel budget, don’t try to convince me the best Texas chili is made in Brooklyn.
And can we get a cease-fire on all the gimmick Iron Chef America episodes?
Giada’s white Christmas show was a shameless Jade photo op. Does she ever worry so many close ups might make her DD a kidnap target?
That includes the just completed, silly White House competetion. It was obviously rigged, and they didn’t even have any recognized judges, other than Naughty Nigella. And she’s so busy having an orgasm over the sweet potatoes that it distracts from the real judging. Waiting to see a post on this show.
#8 You mean the Neeley’s have been “going at it” since 1992?
I want NO SANDRA LEE in 2010. And I think that I speak on behalf of a lot of people.
You do! (Speak on behalf of most people who enjoy cooking and wonder what Sandra Lee is doing on FN.)Giada supplies all the T & A FN needs and at least she can cook and pronounce Italian words. And NEVER uses packets of taco seasoning. But word is, Aunt Sandy’s hubby is a mucky-muck with the network and bought her the job. (Although she never mentions being married…)
I thought Aunt Sandy was hooked up with Chris Cuomo from ABC’s GMA. They were sure oohing and ahhing over her nasty food right before Christmas.
I agree – no more Sandra Lee.
Get the dam cake shit off! Let them get their own little channel. I’m so sick of 5 foot cakes (until they fall over)and fondant. Does anyone learn anything from these?
That the 5 second rule must not apply?
I can definitely live without ever seeing Sunny Anderson’s cheap wigs on the air. Why not take her off completely ? She is an amateur at best.
OK – Thank GOD someone else is sick and tired of the challenges! I am so sick of the stupid cake shows!!! I don’t care about fondant! And Iron Chef overload!!! I don’t care if you bring on some new show we can talk crap about but stop showing the same ones now!!! LOL. My peeves… Rachael Ray and nutmeg… “It’s that thing in the background that makes em’ go hmmmm.. what is that” well crap we ALL know now! I should be greatful.. we did finally see the end of BAM! in 09′… What I want in 2010… I want a blooper tape to get released of Sandra Lee being a total “b”… so we can see what is really behind that “oh isn’t life just beautiful (sips vodka on rocks)” smile..Can you imagine it? her just going off on a crew person! I will pray tonight….
Hate to disagree, but to me Iron Chef (both versions) are actually watchable. I like the fact that the rules are constant. When I tune in, I know what to expect: an Iron Chef, a contestant, and a secret ingredient. No silly hardships like Top Chef, Next Iron Chef, etc. I want to see how people can cook, not cope with extreme environments and shortages of equipment.
No, I like Iron Chef (Nix the semi-Asian drama) it is the repeats… over and over…
Is it just me or has “the Chairman” ,AKA Mark Dascascos on Iron Chef America, gotten more and more melodramatic until now he actually makes me giggle? When it first started, I respected the fact that he, being the American nephew of the original Japanese Chairman Kaga in the original Japanese show (which he is, by the way–you can check it), he tolerated his uncle’s dramatic manner (those shirts!)but didn’t act that way himself. But now he’s close, and it just makes me want to laugh. If he ever starts dressing like a Vegas showgirl with no taste, I may have to leave the room…
I wish they’d show more of the Chairman. He’s very entertaining and I love the way they’ve added the whoosh when he turns his head or moves his hands. I think Alton is great, but others should get more of the spotlight.
I’m pretty sure Mark Dascascos’ character is the nephew of Chairman Kaga’s character. They are not actually family in real life.
I hate that “whish” sound; irritating as hell. I just whish the Japanese Iron Chef was still on — now *that* one was interesting.
I agree on not wanting them to go on and on about the smell of food but what drives me really crazy is whenever they get orgasmic over the taste of their food! If I have to hear Giada say: “this tastes like heaven on a plate *moan*” or Rachael “if you serve this you’ll be a superstar!” Or Sandra Lee with “and can I tell you? This is puuuuuuurfection!” I am going to die! Seriously! NO MORE FN!
I’m so glad I’m not alone in my loathing of Sandra’s “I want you to…”
I counted 16 of those in one episode, and that’s essentially what makes me turn her show off.
I want bloopers!!! Where are they??? I want to see Guy eat some crap that he just cannot swallow, or Sandra ACTUALY eat one of her dishes and realize her assistant was drunk off of HER vodka when she wrote the recipe and it now tastes like crap! I want Rachael NOT to finish a meal in 30! I want set people to hide butter from Paula (sick I know). I want to see FN do something more silly like come out with ‘Platinum Chef’… or ‘Mushrooms 360′… ‘How to Smile with an Onion’…’Ace of Play Dough Cakes!’
“I want Rachael NOT to finish a meal in 30!”
There was an episode of “30-Minute Meals” when the chicken that Retched was preparing had a “juicy pink center” when she sliced into it and took a bite. Let’s hope that she spit the raw chicken into her garbage bowl when the fake foodgasm ended. I’m not a fan but would have forgiven RR if she gave the kitchen staff “what for”.
Amen on those Challenge Shows! They’re so boring. Pat Neely overuses “y’all” more than Paula Deen now and he’s become more annoying than his wife which is truly a feat! Amen on the relatives being banned I HATE that I know idiot Guy Fieri’s son’s name: Hunter! He’s appeared three times now on his shows! RR’s husband looks filthy, the Deen Family should all be banned–including Michael’s priest brother who acts really gay whenever he’s on. No more acting on Ina’s shows, the Cassandra and Barbara episode was the worst acting ever–showing Barbara’s surprised face at her daughter “surprise” arrival. Aunt Sandy should always be on because just because I like science fiction!
Yeah I just saw that Contessa episode… I like it where the mom is like “I think this has Ina written all over it”… and ummm.. what would make you think that, THE CAMERA BEHIND YOU???
LOL, that episode was SO lame! Barbara comes to the door, sees her daughter who supposedly flew in all the way from Florida to surprise Mom and she’s like, “Oh, Cassandra! This is certainly a surprise. I’m not even dressed yet. Yeah, her new baby granddaughter is lying there in an infant carrier, but hey, big deal, right? The only thing that was surprising about that episode was that Cassandra’s rental car was a Big Three car (a Chrysler Pacifica, to be exact) and not a Mercedes or BMW. PUKE!!!!
awesome. my exact thought when I saw that…
I want Aunt Sandy to open her own chain of bars throughout the country!
Oh no… please… then we will have a ‘semi-vomit’ meals show… meals you can make from vomit after getting totally wasted at her bar… well … I guess it could go the other way.. you go to the bar and get so drunk and then they serve her recipes… because then they will be ‘just delicious, everyone will love it’.
Yeah! And she can name the place ” On The Liver List “
In a way, I have to disagree with #2. I work rotating 12-hour shifts and sometimes reruns are how I get to see a show.
#3: I’d add rings to the list. You know stuff has to get up under the rings while they’re mixing and stuff. Eeeuuuwww.
#4: I guess the sunglasses blow back behind his head while his head is out the car window when he’s drying his hair.
#6: That host is soooo lame I don’t even know his name. And that one lady is so hateful, geeze!
#7: Yeah, she does over do the y’all stuff. I live down here and we don’t say it nearly as much as she does. Of course, y’all know what the plural of y’all is don’t ya? It’s All Y’all!
#8: Are you sure they’re not referring to Mick Jagger?
#10: I’ve always thought her theme song should be InaGartendvita.
Amen to that!
Also, less cleavage shots on Everyday Italian, no rings, and cancel Guy Ferry and Aunt Sandy.
Nah, scratch the last one, Sandra Lee is actaully pretty hilarious to watch ;).
We can’t cancel Sandra… we just can’t… what would we do? The world would come to a halt.. ships would sink (drunken captains)… moons would colide (with that much vodka this happens)….we may even stop watching the FN because it is no longer idiot free… OMG…
moons colide – drunks looking at the moon
Enough of those dumbass endorsements!
Bacon lady with Samsung washers, Neely and Sam’s Club, Aunty Drunkyholic with Wii and many more others. So cheesey and annoying!
Does anyone else think Anne Burrell may be evil?
I don’t think she’s evil but she can definitely kick my ass!
I thought she was Guy Fieri, until they said her name!
LOL. I stood not 5 feet away and watched Guy interview Anne for ExtraTV. I thought the universe might implode.
*giggles*
I think she’s Gilly from SNL with a different wig.
The chopped audio – sounds like they ripped off the “cbs 60 minutes” ticking clock – but i could have been drunk when i noticed this, and it’s all in my head.
PLEASE FN– No John Cusimano in 2010! He is absolutely disgusting and he looks like a hobo. Also as Jillian said in her post, he adds absolutely nothing and has no culinary expertise.
Unless you’re bulimic!
“Unless you’re bulimic!”
In that case, get rid of scary-eyed Robin Miller.
Get rid of Guy, I live in his hometown, how embarrassing!
“FALLDOWN WITH AUNT SANDY” nuff said!
Couple of comments (not really FN based but kind of related to comments made)
1. A local newscaster (Michaela Pereira – KTLA5 – Los Angeles) was aghast when she saw the Carls Jr commercial with Kim Kardashian (thank goodness there are only three of those annoying women!) eating salad using her fingers. Since when have the Carls Jr commercials featuring the starlets du jour had any taste? Paris Hilton/Padma Lakshmi/Kim Kardashian
2. I was in a Bed/Bath/Beyond in Orange County CA this morning when I saw a man licking (!) wooden salad tongs – at lease he purchased them, but ewwwww!
This is so funny! The list and the comments! I def agree with everything.
I’m from and live in Atlanta (the city) and I’ve never heard anyone say y’all as much as Paula. I understand she’s from Savannah but I know folks from there who don’t say it that much. Hell, I say a lot but not that damn much! Recently, exhibits from the Louvre museum were on display at the High Museum in Atlanta. Paula had some kind of tie-in with the advertising and there was a billboard posted around town that had her picture on it saying “Bonjure, y’all”… I gagged!
Actually, she’s from Albany, GA. Savannah is just where she ended up.
Interesting… either way, the producers def try to do it up with all that “y’all”
She likes people to assume she is from Savannah because of the rich history…Albany is nothing.
I’m from Georgia too — my mother would smack the crap outta me if I said “y’all” like that. What I find most irritating is that she uses it in a “singular” context as well which no decent southerner would do
I’m with you!! Especially on Rachel Rays dumb,no talent husband….not that she has any talent either….
He is gross and unnecesary!!!! Get rid of him. FOR GOOD!!! and Michael (Paula’s husband) too!
Stop all the squealing!!!!!!!!! Giada is getting really bad about squealing when she tastes her food, Sunny squeals sometimes, the five ingredient girl was squealing a lot on one of the Thanksgiving specials and I have seen others squealing in some kind of delight. It is just wrong. You squeal when you win a new car, not when you don’t burn your dinner.
The Neelys remind me of a modern-day Uncle Tom’s Cabin with the way they act. It comes across as they are performing to the perception of a subservient (and extremely horny) black couple.
Actually, the best thing that could happen to FN is to get rid of Gordon Elliot. I think he has a lot of influence for the content of the shows.
No more so-called chefs on Chopped who cut themselves during competition and drip blood into the food. Every other episode there is someone who cuts themself and has to put on a glove. I have never worked in a restaurant, but I would expect a chef who cooks for a living to have developed enough knife skills not to cut themself.
Also, I could do without Scott Conant as a judge on Chopped. I think he is “all hat, no cattle.” He just rips into contestants and I think he would totally suck if he were put in their place.
this is for #4 and #9-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaO-vIOCvsc
Regarding Paula’s Ya’ll’s and the Neely’s Brown sugar’s- also set a limit for Guy Farthead to 3 “off the hooks”, “thats money” and “you can put that sauce on a flip flop and eat it” (BTW, gross)
I wish that blonde ‘chef’ will stop staying ‘come to mama’ on her show. The Neely’s should stop being so lovey dovey. They are behaving like two teenagers….ewwwwwwwwwwww
No more “karate noises” (whiff, whiff!) whenever the bug-eyed chairman on Iron Chef lifts a finger, turns his head, blinks, etc.
The whiff whiff is funny, cartoonish. I wish they’d draw Iron Chefs out of a hat instead of choosing; I’m sick of Bobby Flay challenges.
I know! Mario is my god but it seems like he isn’t getting much action lately. Well, I guess there’s that Super Chef special to look forward to. Too bad we’ll also have to deal with Mr. BAM!’s antics. “Oh, baby. Don’t you wish they’d invent that smell-a-vision already?” Shut up.
PLEASE, someone needs to make sure Jeffrey Steingarten is on his meds when he judges ICA. Sometimes he is just SUCH a snide, pissy little d*ck, and sometimes he’s reasonable. I can only assume the snide times are when the drugs kick out.
And yeah, NO Andrew Knowlton at all. Ever. Or as I call him, Hair Boy.
I think they need to put Jeffery in a nice, quiet home with white walls somewhere.
Jeffrey looks like he’s about to bust out of his clothes. I don’t know how he manages to snarf down all the chefs’ offerings (and he does, with gusto) without exploding. It looks uncomfortable.
…just one “waffer-thin mint”…
Love this post and it is all so true. I think the Neelys are coming close to having another Sloshy Sandy show pretty soon. Every time I see them they are talking about their cocktails, as if the brown sugar and constant sexual innuendoes wasn’t enough.
The Neelys are there to compensate for Sunny Anderson, who is the whitest sounding black girl this side of Whoopi Goldberg doing her Valley Girl impression. Two things I don’t want to see on FNH in ’10 are jokes about how Giada says mascarpone, and her bewbies. I’m not offended, I’m not defending FN for exploiting her rack, I’m just saying it’s time to give the subjects a rest. We get it. Maybe a third is how Guy is a D-Bag. Yeah, we know.
Do your worst, flying monkeys. I’m not changing my opinion.
Oh, yeah… And no more “Next Food Network Star”, Bob “Tell me a story” Tuschman or Susie “Grim Reaper” Fogelson on FN ever again!
I’m actually quite surprised that no one is annoyed by Ingrid Hoffman. She drives me up a wall…I seriously expect Charo to pop out of her oven screaming cuchi-cuchi everytime her show comes on.
Also, I’d like for Ina to stop throwing parties on the beach in February. I honestly don’t think ANYONE wants to freeze their ass off eating lobster salad out of a chinese takeout box, while sitting next to a potted palm tree that has just frozen from the foam blowing in from the Long Island Sound. Just sayin!
With a name like Ingrid Hoffman, the first-time viewer might be expecting her to make sauerbraten or lebkuchen. Next thing you know, she’s whipping out a tortilla. It’s unnerving!
I’ve thought the same thing about Ina’s picnics.
Along with a limit on Paula’s “y’all’s”, I wish there’d be a limit on her shrill, drawn-out cackles. (Or just lower he volume on it a little, Paula!) Her cackling has gotten out of control and it’s seriously annoying.
She really has become a caricature of herself. I wonder if she plays the over-the-top Paula character on purpose or if she actually is that annoying constantly.
I’d bet she actually acts that way and her ego is approaching Flay proportions.
Right on.
I would make a list of the top 10 things I DO want to see, but I have a feeling at least eight would be “More TR.”
I totally agree with everything. I would add that they dumb these next foodnetwork stars. With all the great chefs out there we have to watch contests to see who is gonna be the next Guy Fieri. Personally I would like to see them dump everyone on the network and get some real cooks instead of these obnoxious, overpaid hacks. Remember back when FoodTV had real chefs instead of highly paid personalities with kitchens.
Here’s my list:
1) get rid of Kerry Vincents stupid headband…it’s too tigh and makes her cranky
2) Giada needs to stop saying ‘just like that” and ‘there we go”….and of course all of the boob shots.
3) Neelys – get a room, and Gina needs to turn down her volume…and the whole mama-daddy thing….ugh!
4) We need a best of Sandra Lee’s table scapes show…gawd awful!
5) I agree – no rings (I’m talking to you Paula)
6) Can’t even watch Rachel Ray…
7) Ina does need to add some new gays to her clan. Girlfriend is loaded, she can afford to meet some new boys.
I know you mentioned the fingernails – but there is absolutely nothing that bothers me more about FN than when the ‘chefs’ keep their damn jewelry on while handling food
(especially raw meat). Honestly, it’s appauling. It’s like asking for a plate-food of disease. I remember seeing Guy shoving his hand between a chicken’s flesh and skin with his damn ring on, AND YOU COULD SEE THE INDENTATION OF THE RING PRESSING THROUGH THE SKIN THE WHOLE TIME. I almost barfed on the spot.
I thought Guy usually “de-blinged” (groan) when manipulating ground meats. And speaking of hands, it would be nice if Rachael could keep her gunk-coated mitts from shaking when she’s showing us the insde of one of her stupid sammies.
Things I DO NOT want to see on FN in 2010:
1. More of Bobby Flay on Throwdown, or any other show for that matter.
2. The Neeleys-YUCK!
3. Re-runs of Unwrapped, Challenge, or any other show aired two days ago at the same time.
4. Rachel Ray-on her show, or her commercials selling bakeware (WTH, she doesn’t bake?!)
5. Aunt Sandy’s Tablescapes or Money Saving Crap.
6. Ask Aida
7. Stupid FN Commercials that play 25 times in an hour.
8. No More Viva Towel Commercials.
Things I DO want to see on FN in 2010:
1. More Alton Brown
2. More Adam Gertler (he should take over Ask Aida.)
3. Someone else to take over Throwdown, maybe Cat Cora?
4. Kerry Vincent to be a contestant on Challenge, and any of the previous winners/contestants could judge her performance.
5. An Iron Chef without Bobby Flay, or if he’s kept, only allow Jeffrey Steingarten to judge his dishes.
6. Morimoto to have his own show…maybe he could take over on showing us how to have a proper tablescape. (this would be awesome plating, no floral crap and 1/4 the alcohol.)
7. Robert Irvine doing a Health Food/workout show. (dude is ripped.)
8. A new ethnic cooking show that is not Mexican or Italian food. (Japanese, Thai, or Greek food would be nice.)
I agree with you totally, esp.#8. If they could have Japanese, Thai, or Greek home cooking it would be wonderful!
Or Korean! Maybe with that Debbie Lee girl. She’s Korean. Did you know that?
What ticks me off about Ask Aida is the fact that the concept of the show was actually Adam’s; when they did finalists did their own promos for the finally, Adam came up with the idea of communicating with someone over the web and solving their problems. I get the man did not win, but that does not mean FN could take the concept (even if asked: that is like a blow below the belt). They should have came up with something more original.
I wondered why they stole Adam’s idea and then put him on some worthless show. It was interesting only because of him, not because of the jobs. We’ve seen enough of them on Dirty Jobs.
I’m with you on all of them except the Food Network Challenge. Sorry, I love that show! My husband and I are thoroughly entertained with each one, and I usually end up rewatching them. My own food network guilty pleasure. =)
Amber, respect your opinion, but haven’t you seen them, at least a dozen times by now? I wish one of those tall, mechanized, fondant-hard cakes would land on Kerry Vincent’s hateful, braided head, just once. That I would enjoy!
Long time lurker here…Just have to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Great thread!
Here is my list of things that need to go away in 2010:
1: Ray Ray and those awful Don LaPre hand signals–can we just tie her hands to her sides for God’s Sake??
2: Kerry Vincent definately needs to be on the show as a CONTESTANT for once! Maybe Buddy Velastro can be HER judge?
3: Let’s get rid of Paula’s cackling, and what the hell is up with her whispering every time she goes to taste something?? Why are we whispering?
4: Fire Bob Tushy and Fogelson!!!! Do I need to expand?
5: Less Bobby Flay…MUCH Less!
6: PLEASE NO MORE GUY FERRY!!! He used to be okay–and if most of these “stars” just stayed the way they were when they first started (I’m looking at you too Paula), they would have been fine, but right now, they all come off looking like contest winners.
7: Please PLEASE Can we not Italianize everything? I am sick to FUCKING death of all the Italian shows, Italian recipes, Italian anecdotes, Italian “Twists” to food! Ya know…there are other countries on this Earth. Also–It’s OKAAAAAY chefs to make just pot roast, just mac n’ cheese, just tacos, just steak–or whatever other comfort food without a damn twist all the time…especially Italian =p
8:YES! Ina and her trained gay guys! I’m a lesbian, and I’m sick of the gay cirque du soleil Ina puts on during every show…besides–is it just me, or does Jeffery look like he gets a little gay fun in of his own?
9: No More Anne Burrell. She looks like a friggin dude…or a giant rectangle with a yellow tribble on its head.
Great article, once again–and thanks for giving us a place to vent our frustrations even though Food Network doesn’t care.
*whiffs* “It smells good in here already!”
I’ve been meaning to ask RR what Oregano means in Greek
What about that obnoxious, dramatic gasp-noise ina garten makes every 5 seconds on her show? It’s really off-putting. Do they purposely turn up the mic whenever she does that?
1. Less repetition in general. Rachael, we know that John says that cilantro is verdant and that you didn’t grow up eating mayonnaise.
2. Less of Robin Miller and her penchant for teryaki. Can’t get through an episode without her giving something an “Asian twist.”
3. Less of Sandra Lee acting like she’s about to burst out laughing at some inside joke with the crew. And who has room for all of that crap for the tablescapes? Who makes new kitchen curtains for every meal?
4. Less of Guy’s trailer park looking nitwit friends helping him out in the kitchen. They look like they’re on quaaludes.
5. No more “thwowdowns” with Bobby Fway. Give the guy a show with a name he can actually pronounce. He sounds like Elmer Fudd.
“5. No more “thwowdowns” with Bobby Fway. Give the guy a show with a name he can actually pronounce. He sounds like Elmer Fudd.”
^ This. lol. Bobby always sounds so damn ridiculous.
I came up with more. What can I say, I’m picky.
–Less extreme close-ups. Giada’s shows are the worst. I don’t need the camera lens touching the food in the bowl or pot. Plus mix the audio differently–it sounds like porn a little too much.
–No more “hosts traveling” shows. Again, the only exemption is Alton and Feasting.
–Stop telling us food myths that Alton, Food Detectives, or Cook’s Illustrated has debunked. Searing does NOT seal in juices. Oil in pasta water does jack squat. You don’t have to cook the crap out of pork. Salting is not evil. Eggs are pretty damn safe unless you mishandle the hell out of them. And so on. You lose all credibility with me if you tell me any of these.
–No new show titles with “with whoever” in it. Got that, Bobby?
–How about a companion show to Good Eats that isn’t afraid to do normal foods? Like someone said above, not everything needs a twist. I swear, only Alton seems to pay attention to what people really want to make at home.
–And, for the love of God, the magazine sucks. I’d rather read Highlights.
John Cusimano-wasnt there a story in the Enquirer about him having some weird sexual fetish of women spitting on him and he was nailed by some chick who spilled the beans in the media? Yeah, here it is fron 2006:
John Cusimano likes the spit By The Blemish, Nov 16, 2006
The Food Network’s Rachael Ray’s husband John Cusimano loves to be spit on and have dirty feet rubbed all over him. These are the claims Jeannine Walz makes in The National Enquirer. According to Jeannine, she and John carried on a five year affair where she was paid $500 a session to spit on him.
“We’d often have sessions at least twice a month … I virtually supported myself by spitting on him. But there was never any normal sex involved. He once offered to pay me $1,200 to perform a kinky sex act with him, but I refused.”
I’d like to see some sort of cross over show. Perhaps Aunt Sandy could/should appear on ‘Intervention.’
NO jewelry or anything else on hands when preparing food! That’s a basic rule of food hygiene.
Ina and Giada seem to be the only ones who know this and I applaud them for that.
Just discovered this site (LOVE IT!) and totally agree with this post. I have a few pet annoyances/pet peeves of my own to add.
1. The cadence of Sandra Lee’s speech is unbelievably irritating. Her overly themed episodes, menus, tablescapes, and the recipes themselves are just vile. Get rid of her!!
2. Some people need to learn how to pronounce vinaigrette. Hint: it’s not “vinegar-ette”. (Deen family, are you reading this?)
3. Rachael Ray’s garbage bowl. Why do you need to dirty an extra dish while you’re cooking? Just keep the trash can next to you, for fuck’s sake.
4. Anne Burrell’s Upper Midwestern-slash-Valley Girl accent. Where the hell did she learn to speak like that? She’s from upstate NY!
And I have a programming recommendation: a vegetarian cooking show. There are plenty of us out there, bring on the meat free cooking!
1. Can we get rid of Rachael’s dirty husband? Please? He’s enough to put me off my food for WEEKS!
2. I’ve seen more than enough of Bobby Flay and “Throwdown”
3. GET RID OF FERRY. Use that money to finance “Feasting on Rails” or “Feasting on Air ” for Alton!!!!!
More COOKING.
I miss the days of Sarah Moulton and actual cooking shows. Skills, techniques. Real food.
I want to learn. Not be “entertained” by a bunch of yoo hoos.
This site rocks!If only FN honchos were reading it. PLEASE less Fieri, Giada cleavage, “brown sugar” (wink, wink), Bobby Flay and NO Aunt Sandy. That being said, I’ve got to say I’ve tried several Rachel and Ina recipes that were great. And Melissa D’Arabian’s North African meatballs win raves from my fellow foodies.
But there’s so much more out there. Southeast Asian made simple. Indian curries. Vegetarian. Even better, meals for couples where she’s vegetarian, he eats meat. Real food made lighter and healthier. Whatever happened to French? Some of us still travel to Paris just to eat it. How about teaching basic techniques? (Which knives are must-haves and how to use them. Which pans, etc.?)
How about pairing existing stars: Guy and Ina cook in the Hamptons! You get the idea. That could be a winner.
Well said Vinfan. I made a similar comment to a post a few weeks ago. We seem to be stuck in this “over the top, take it to the next level” Italian/grilled/fat-laden/American styles only. I would love to see a show devoted to really teaching us about Spain, Morocco, Thai, Vietnamese, etc. that could truly “take it to the next level.” In other words, I’m bord to tears with the same versions of the same ole’ kaka, and what are they giving us? The Worst Cook in America. That is pathetic.
To all FN “chefs”:
Stop saying “Hit it”. “Hit it” with this, “hit it” with that….Just STOP. It sounds ridiculous (especially coming from Sandra Lee, although, what doesn’t sound ridiculous coming out of her mouth?)
I cannot stand when one person will use some stupid trendy phrase, then they ALL have to use it. Grow up.
Thank you.
please get rid of the Neelys. I’m about ready to give up Food Network because of these two fools.
I could do without the word Yum as the only word to describe food’s deliciousness. There are other descriptors out there people!
Here’s my list (in no particular order): family members, challenge shows (especially the cake challenges), foreplay by the Neelys, foodgasms by Giada (she’s the worst), all day marathons, Rachael Ray’s tongue flicking (I can’t watch her at all anymore), NFNS (either get real or get rid of it – the judges are mean,the challenges have nothing to do with having a FN show, and they really just want to be Top Chef), chefs trying to act (like at the beginning of Throw Down, Good Eats, and the “Epic Battle” that just aired), and their new website – it sucks!
#11: No more questions like “How good does that look?” and “Who wouldn’t like that?” (esp. Ina Garten)
#12: “Chopped” episodes with shitty cooks like (Sunny Anderson Vs. Sandra Lee) or (Guy Vs. Paula Dean). REVEAL THEIR INEPTITUDE!
#13: No more shitty ska music on Guy’s intro.
#14: Follow the “stars” on an average day to see what THEY eat and what THEY do for their shows.
Re #8 – no, it was NEVER funny. The Neelys are the reason for the power button.
It seems like the hosts are moaning how great something is within 1/64th of a second after tasting the dish. My brain works a little slower since it takes a second or two before I can react to the flavors.
I also would just once like to hear the chef say something like “damn I screwed that one up.” I believe the naked chef did something similar to that , at least mentioning that a dish he made needed some other ingredient to make it worth eating.
They should tell Giada to keep her freaking mouth shut when she eats food! I’m sick of her taking a huge forkful and watching it roll back and forth around her gigantic mouth while she proudly bears every single molar in her gums while ranting about how incredible her stupid cheese and nuts taste. She’s so rich and feminine – then she should learn how to chew with her mouth closed!
Hate the way Ina Garten continually treats her husband Jeffrey like a two year old eating his first meal. The only thing she has left to do is put a bib on and spoon feed him.
I also think that Bobby Flay is a big cheat. On Food Challenge he has the advantage of having two professional chefs and knowledge of the actual recipe in order to win. COME ON…this show is rigged. He should man up and cook the dish on his own without any knowledge of the other’s recipe. Is it me or doesn’t anyone else see this?!