Rachael Ray »
Nude Classical Portrait Of Rachael Ray For Sale On eBay (Seriously)
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Back in January, news broke that a New York-based artist named Alex Gardega was going to be painting a nude portrait of Rachael Ray. Here we are in December, and I’m excited to let you all know that Alex made good on his promise, completed the painting, and put it up for sale on eBay. Just in time for Christmas!
I’m not sure there are any words I could write here that could possibly prepare you for what you’re about to see, so I’m just going to post the pictures and let you draw your own conclusions:
According to the artist, the painting depicts “a beautiful and calm setting in which the media icon floats on the river Evoo and is bathed and anointed buy the classical Putti of wisdom and beauty.” Wow. How eloquent. And here I thought it was just an artist’s rendering of Rachael Ray giving herself a breast exam, but apparently it’s so much more.
Bidding starts at $50, but you can buy it now for $5,000 and spend the rest of your life staring at Rachael’s naughty bits – and the creepy bearded man in the lower corner.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Ridiculous eBay Auction Alert: $4,000 Paula Deen Painting---Introducing The World’s First Rachael Ray / Martha Stewart Painting
---Mosaic Of Rachael Ray Made Out Of PASTA
---If Rachael Ray Were President…
---Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Rachael Ray Her “EVOO Dispenser” Looks Like A Gigantic Peen?
- Rachael Ray
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111 Responses
Oh my God. Died laughing at the breast exam bit.
Is she standing in her garbage bowl???? Not very sanitary if you ask me..
A pretty accurate depiction, given everything she cooks or sells is garbage, broken bowls included.
lmao garbage bowl
I don’t absolutely hate it. The artist has some talent there. I just wish he chose another subject. I need to see Rachael Ray’s pubic hair like I need a hole in my head.
EVO-NO! I love it :) That line just made my day (college exams are nobody’s friend)
The only things missing are a wolf and a moon.
oh my gravy!
I almost want to spend the 5000 to destroy the hideousness of this painting.
Please, I really imagined RayRay having a “Treasure Trail” (a bush that goes to her belly button, if you have to ask.
And halfway down to her knees ;)
Is the ‘creepy bearded man’ John the hubs?
This painting actually reminds me of the artist “Thomas Kinkade” style. I could see cheap prints of this in ALL of our kitchens, perhaps even scotch-taped over an adolescents bed.
I think the creepy bearded man in lower left corner might be a centaur?
Oh wait – it’s Rachael and her clam,ascending from a clam shell – just like Venus LOL !!!!!
It doesn’t really look like Rachel Ray to me.
That’s what I was about to say, Sam.
That is disturbing in so many ways. I don’t know whether to burst out laughing, or worry I’m going to have a nightmare of this tonight.
hmmm… I *did* have $5,000 I was going to donate to FNH, but now that this has come up for sale, well…..
DearFNH,
Please post your mailing adddress so I can send my sure-to-be-substantial bill for the brain and eye bleach I am going to need after seeing this.
Thx,
BQ
Is creepy bearded man a centure? I love this painting and would be proud to hang it in my living room next to my Paula Deen brand Blow-up Doll and Bobby Flay Penis Sculpture.
Bid placed. :) I’m throwing a framing/dinner party if I win. All Seattle readers invited! We’ll share food, wine, and best of all, we’ll definately have some Guy Fieri DVD’s rolling in the background. Invite to follow.
I can not believe you bid on that. I’m laughing pretty hard right now. I wish I lived in Seattle.
How could I NOT bid? Every time I walk into my kitchen and see it in all its glory, I’m going to smile. And then shudder. And then smile again.
OMG Greg, you’re going to own this! His last auction got ONE bid and sold for $50. Since his bidders are private, he probably bought it himself.
BTW, Mr. Gardega fancies himself a Salvador Dali-inspired artist. Okay then…..
I’m in Seattle. You must post a follow up, Greg!
I may never recover.
I wonder what Rayray is hiding behind her back?!?
Please do not bid on this painting. It could only influence the artist(for lack of a better phrasiology) to perhaps create yet another FN ‘star’ nude…like Ina….do we really need to see a nude of INA????
I would totally buy a painting of Ina nude. Large people representing!
I think she is hiding a very tiny bottle behind her back with the last drop of her pride in it
Hey…lay off Ina. At least she doesn’t lie about her weight.
Me thinks Ina should lay off the butter and sugar…
Well at least she doesn’t try to tell everyone her food is figure friendly and that she’s a size six.
I wouldn’t want a nude Bobby or Tyler or the Neelys, or any of them, really.
There is a point where celebrity stalker fans get out of hand. This RayRay In The Raw is at that point.
By the way, I expected a nudie of Aunt Drunky before I expected this one. In fact, I’m shocked that the party girl hasn’t leaked a sex tape to The New York Post yet.
Any word from Ratched and how she feels about being immortalized by Alex Gardega?
Been there, done that. Hiyooo!
the only thing that irks me more than, well, a naked rayray is the description in which the artist desperately tries to justify the piece.
“…Media is the new Renaissance, few people care about painting but it is older than the trees and in truth can never die. I seek change through the classical and find media a useful crutch on which to help me limp across the stage of modern life and art. What is kitsch and and what is fine art? Is skill a sin? Technique a bad thing? This I explore in my “Pop Pieces.”…”
the word i keep coming back to is “limp”, but definitely not in the context that she is using it.
I believe this guy’s crutch is that he’s been sniffing too much paint thinner.
Media icon? He should have used Oprah or Larry King.
or Larry Flint. ;)
It looks more like she’s standing in a pie dish but I guess that can’t be because SHE DOESN’T BAKE. Ya hear that? SHE DOESN’T BAKE. STINKS at it. (She needs to stop saying “stinks” on TV. It’s a nasty word.)
So basically this “artist” befouled the Birth of Venus by Botticelli by making the ocean a river of olive oil (because everyone wants to swim around in olive oil) and by making Venus Rachel Ray.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?
So. Disgusting.
My thoughts exactly!
One Handbasket to Hell, no waiting.
Somebody needs to dial back the carbs a bit.
Oh…cause you think she’s fat….I get it.
She’s not fat and you’re a jerk.
Actually, I think the artist has RR’s physique down quite nicely, and you’re over-sensitive!
Yes Mediocrebychoice. I’m a full figured woman,and if I got all bent out shape everytime someone made negative or funny comment I’d be on misserable woman. Remember that you want to give us full figured people a good name!
And Dank loves a curvy woman, is married to a “thick”, beautiful, meaty woman.
Disagee with Dank. RR’s boobs have a grand canyon cleavage between them and the nips (which she just LOVES to show us far too often) are fighting to flee her body in opposite directions. However, the “artist” did manage to capture the short/no waist perfectly.
But look at those “thunder thighs”! He got that dead-nuts. No more “gap” for RayRay, no sun shining through that crotch anymore.
Yumm-O.
I have to give the artist credit for being detail oriented, including the pouch she carries around.
I think she’s a wide (short) woman, but I’ve noticed her stomach is flat! I’ve never seen a pooch.
Good lord, she sported a gut from 2006 until she began “running” when she couldn’t talk after her surgery. Of course, her nasty voice is back, as is her gut; wow, 6 whole months before you fall apart on your “figure friendly” fare, Rach?
[...] of Rachel Ray, is finally for sale on eBay. The bidding starts at $50 and goes through Dec 25. [FNH] Tags: Feed [...]
My favorite part is that the artist is using the proceeds to raise his newly adopted chicken.
WHO adopts a chicken? Can you even have a chicken for a pet in NYC? Maybe he’s planning a dinner date with his muse Rachael.
I heard a story on The Splendid Table about a lady and her family raising 2 baby chicks in their 7th floor apartment. They named them Cheep and Chirp. It was one of the funniest stories I have ever heard on NPR. They did take them back to the farm eventually though, my guess would be because of the mess. YEW!
I heard the same article Julia! Cheep and Chirp. It was too cute!
Her hobo husband is gonna flip out . Other men aren’t allowed to see Rach in the raw. he’s gonna blow you watch.
So what are those cherubs pouring on her? It can’t be olive oil…not IT CAN’T BE!!! X_X
Remarkably accurate except the top is too big and the bottom too small. We know how thrilled she was with the *cough* untouched FHM pix. S’pose she posed for this?
BTW exact likeness of her hubby as a centaur. And come on. “River EVOO?” Looks more like sewage or one of her gravies.
He forgot to paint in the nipple that should be showing. Her hand placement is high enough that it should show.
WAIT. Why do I care?
Never mind. I need a drink.
We praise our extra-virgin matron, from her sunny orchard we were born. From her breast we suckle Dunkin Donuts coffee and EVOO. She loves her children you see.
Hilarious, both Jamie and Sam.
I’m pretty sure that the bearded man in the lower left corner is the artist’s interpretation Rachael’s disgusting, cheating hobo husband. However the bearded guy in the painting is much better looking. :)
From the ebay ad (my emphasis), “…bathed and anointed BUY the classical Putti…”
It’s all about the $. I wonder what RR gets out of this?
That’s probably Duff and Giada on the left, Bobbly Flay on the right, and Mario and friends at the top spraying the silly string.
I like how the artist’s “choice links” are ones that say how the world DOES NOT need to see a naked Rachel Ray. At least we can all be thankful it’s not a painting of Guy instead. I can just imagine it being done on black velvet and hanging in Guy’s own bedroom so he can look at himself. I mean, this is the man who signed his own fridge after all.
Just saw this, all I have to say is ewww! ewww! eww! Cooking dinner, may not eat for a week. EWWWWWW!!!!!!
Ok, now that I’ve calmed down, what the hell is a “putti”? I’ll tell you,what, when my sister and I had baby daughters, when we changed their diapers, guess when we used the word “putti”? That ain’t no baby “putti”, no siree!
“Putti,” as described by arthistory.about.com, are “those plump little naked boys with wings that one often sees in Renaissance, Mannerist, Baroque and Rococo art.” That seems to be an accurate description to me, but I thought your reference to diapers was equally fitting for this horrendous painting.
Now I’m waiting for the Pat & Gina classical nude painting, complete with cavorting nymphs and fauns … covered in bbq sauce ….
I think Creepy Bearded Guy is Pauler’s husband making out with Giada while they watch Ray Ray fondle herself.
Oh.My.Gosh THIS IS REAL??? I thought someone just painted her head and put that on Venus’ body!
My eyes–have been..raped. If there was anything on this planet able to turn a lesbian [i.e. me], this would be it.
Ha! Even this poor Sandro Botticelli ripoff can’t do that but I understand the sentiment! It’s not as if we ever had any attraction to the fugly RayRay anyhow, right?! LOL….
C’mon Motzi, RR isn’t Fugly (I love that term). I wouldn’t toss her out of bed for eating cookies in bed.
gotta say I agree w/ dank.
just so long as she keeps her got am mouth shut.
So true, so true, Motzi! I’m not sure what kind of beauty people see in her. Certainly, her nasty personality doesn’t make up for her frumpy, bloated looks. I’ll take my woman with a side of good manners, fine taste, and properly fitting jeans. ;]
Ahh, someone bid on it what is this world coming to, AAAAAHHHH!!! DX
5 someones so far and the bid is at $102.50
Someone please tell me they are all fake accounts made FN heads. ;____;
are those little angels bathing her in olive oil?
Is that a cherub riding her dog on the right side of the portrait? I know the dog’s name by the way, just refuse to type it.
Buying this could encourage the “artist” and we may get an Ina Garten portrait, if he has enough paint.
u mean ISABOO ISABOO ISABOO?????
I hope this guy does a nude Ina. I mean imagine the possibilities. Ina nude in the restored windmill with Jeffery. Ina, nude on the beach in February, playing vollyball with T.R. Nude Ina making meringue islands, while nude miguel arranges flowers in the background. I can’t wait!!
Yes Andy, Ina with some meat on her bones, very apropos.
Imagine Rubens, Botticelli (or Gardega) painting Giada with child-bearing hips and a bulging stomach; she’d sue!
doh! My eyes! My eyes are burning up in my head!
Can’t be her – the tits are too big.
Who’s up for seeing a nude one of John, her husband?
One word: Aaarrrrggghhhh!
This is a MUST HAVE for me for Christmas
Side note: If you guys are gonna bid on this, don’t bid until the last minute! Otherwise you’re just bidding against yourself!
By the way, the artists has re-posted all of our comments on his eBay auction page. I also note that he does not give a reference to the Food Network Humor site. Is this a breach of Jillian’s intellectual property and our privacy? Just let you all know and just wondering….
Again, its not a big deal for me, but I was wondering what Jillian thought of his re-posting all of our comments without proper credit due to her or to this FNH blog.
Not to mention this site broke the story that his painting was for sale, and is probably the only reason it has any bids at all.
You don’t steal someone’s words without quoting them. Douchy.
Um, I’m pretty pissed off about it actually. Not only did he just cut and paste all of the HTML from this website, but he’s hotlinking to my images (meaning every time that ebay page loads, the images are pulled from MY server. That can be costly – and it can slow things down).
Really not cool.
Get Him Jillian! I hate thieves, they should all have their hands chopped off, particularly this “artist”. Gak.
Ooo! Hotlinking. What a dirty bugger!
Well…since we know he is reading, and really enjoys criticism both positive and negative, I’ll point out the following. Referring to your ability to mix olive oil and paprika to make a skin tone does not qualify you as a Renaissance genius. It basically lands you in the category of douche bag, right along with Guy Fieri.
Oh, that is really bad. Please keep us posted on the upshot of this, Jillian.
Does that make his “Birth of RR” a “scratch-n-sniff”?
Wow…I can’t believe anyone is bidding on this piece of kitschy crap. This guy is not an artist. I have seen the real Birth of Venus by Botticelli at the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy and this is an insult to a beautiful piece of art.
Do you suppose he painted this in just 30 minutes?
Haha…I think this might have required a 60 minute holiday special.
Hey guys, great commentary! I enjoy reading it more than I like to paint alone in my boring studio. I am not a fine artist. I am a kitsch artist who studies media. If you are going to paint modern life and media it should be garish and tasteless (not unlike the internet or modern message boards)The real artist are not ones who paint with technique but the modern geniuses who fill the galleries with tinfoil wrapped bricks and old phone books..that is conceptual and very intellectual. I paint laborious pictures that are devoid of intellect. Please view them for what they are ( or dont)
Uhhhhh Devoid of Intellect! Idiot you said it! Now go paint a fucking fruit bowl!!! There! Put this comment on E-Bay! And, if you cause Jillian any problems, you’re gonna piss-off lots of people with GOOD knives! Ya Dirty Bastard!
Yeah, Alex, I sincerely hope you’re now giving Jillian and the FNH site their due. I refuse to click on the eBay link for your painting until I’m sure this has been resolved.
Actually, since we do know the artist is reading our comments (as Martin has pointed out) we should probably stop giving him ideas. I’m actually quite terrified now that he’ll take one of them seriously and then we’ll have another naked Food Network “star” on our hands (and eyes). As for the painting, well….it really is pretty terrible. I can’t believe the price has gone up to $107 all ready. Yeesh.
Why doesn’t the artist try to flog a painting of Paula Deen while he’s at it?
Rachel Ray has the body of a pudgy, mesomorphic teenaged boy.
Oh my, the coloring is drab, the composition is terrible, it is suffocating in clichés and the overall execution is hackeneyed. Much like Rachel’s shows.
OH MY GOSH!!! MY EYES!!!