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The Food Network Has Some Creepy, Fanatical Fans
Published on: December 18, 2009 – 2:44 pm by Jillian Madison 
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On Wednesday, CNN’s showbiz blog took time out of their busy Tiger Woods-reporting schedule to write a brief article about the Food Network, which apparently just earned its highest ratings since it launched in 1993. The real story here isn’t the article… but the parade of fanatical fan comments that came after it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many exclamation points in my life. Nor did I realize there were so many way to misspell Ina Garten’s name.
Here are my 10 favorite comments:
“When I was pregnant with my son and was in bed rest all I watched was Food network and I loved Food 911 by Tyler Florence so I named my son after him.” -Anna
She named her baby after a mediocre chef? That just made me feel very sad inside.
“I love Alton Brown and Good Eats. And I love Giatta (sp?) DeLaurentis.” -David
If you love her so much, shouldn’t you at least know how to spell her freakin’ name?
“My daughter and I love LOVE Dinner Impossible. Robert has a charm you can’t buy. It just is and he has IT.” -Michelle
Michelle thinks Robert Irvine has charm? Is she serious? He’s an authoritative, rude, abrasive liar. What a catch!
“Guy Fieri is a douchebag.” -atheistocrat
I swear to God, I did not write that.
“Food Network is the only channel that’s safe to watch with children. Educational, fun and free of the “soft porn” that seems to be the norm for all the other networks.” -Gina
Apparently, Gina doesn’t watch The Neely’s. And for the record, the Surgeon General still has not determined if Sandra Lee is ”safe for children.”
“I love Unwrapped and my 13 sons love it too!” -Teresa
13 sons? Whoa, slow down there, Teresa. It’s a vagina, not a clown car.
“My husband stated a couple years ago that he just loved Ina Garton and could curl up on the couch with her! (Whatever that means!!)” -Debbie
Don’t worry, Debbie. I don’t think Ina GARTON will be leaving Jeffrey anytime soon. She wouldn’t know what to do with herself without being guilted into making chicken for him every Friday night.
“I also love Ina Gartner, who makes complicated dishes seem doable for us common folk.” -Penelope
Ina GARTNER is one of my favorites, too.
“Love anything with Guy Fieri & Alton Brown… they could read the classifieds for a half hour and I would watch!” -Becky
Give me a break, Becky. You’re full of shit.
“Man v. Food … need I say more. That show is the best” -D
TOO BAD IT’S NOT EVEN ON THE FOOD NETWORK, EINSTEIN.
(Thanks for the tip, James!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Alton Brown Donates $100 To FNH; Offers To Match Pledges Of Other Food Network Hosts---Holiday Weight Loss Tips For Food Network Fans
---Dear Alton Brown, The Internet Is Worried About You
---Aarti’s Husband: Talented Actor Or Creepy Weirdo Trying To Ride Her Coat Tails?
---Which Food Network Chef Has The Dumbest Fans?
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
I see that these people are swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Safe to watch with kids my arse. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen those creepy “personal massager” commercials. They’re not very subtle commercials, either.
*Shudder*
Yes but no matter what end of the pool you are in Guy still sucks…Priceless
“I also love Ina Gartner, who makes complicated dishes seem doable for us common folk.” -Penelope
Common folk?? WTF? This woman has some serious self esteem issues if she thinks Ina Gartner is above her. Speaks volumes about the people watching FN. Then again, maybe she can’t afford ‘good’ vanilla…
And to the woman whose hubby wants to curl up on the couch with Ina? Whoa. Be afraid, wife. Be very afraid! When your hubby wants to (presumably) get it on with Ina…well, let’s just say that I’m feeling pretty secure in my marriage, because even though we’ve been married for over 21 years, my hubby hasn’t gotten that desperate yet. Actually, he was saying just the other day that Ina’s chin(s?) reminds him of an accordian…
Maybe her husband is just cold.
“Food Network is the only channel that’s safe to watch with children….free of the “soft porn”…..” Gina
Guess Gina-ding dong hasn’t watched soft-porn’s-my–middle-name DeLaurentiis? Gawd!
Ditto K’s comment, I just adore the Viagra–stay hard ads that say, ‘Ask your doctor if you’re well enough for SEX.’ Yeah, real subtle.
Able all these people are afforded the same rights and privileges of society as the rest of us…that’s it gonna have to move to some mountain top off the grid.
I think I prefer watching the Midget Channel to FN.
Maybe if Teresa wasn’t such a fan of keeping it Unwrapped, she wouldn’t have 13 sons. Ah-zing!
SNORT! *passes coffee through nose*
hahahahahah
Naming your kid Food 911? That’s a sure way to raise a future sniper.
It’s funny that there are just as many negative comments on that page as there are positive ones. Most people hate the Neelys. No surprise there!
Some of the comments do make one wonder: “The BEST ones on Food Network are Paula Deen and Ina Garten. What fun, creative, classy ladies they both are.”
Paula Deen is classy? How exactly? With her constant innuendo, cackling laugh and insane need to be the center of attention?
“It’s a vagina, not a clown car.”
Funniest thing ever.
>>>>I loved Food 911 by Tyler Florence so I named my son after him
Wow, how incredibly unique. I’d never heard of any children of this generation being named Tyler. I bet he’ll really stand out in school with a wild wacky moniker like that! What’s that? She named her son Florence?
Never mind.
Ya…but my baby’s daddy is a flooring guy so we had to compromise on Tyle Flor…
COMMENT OF THE YEAR!
I agree with Jillian: COMMENT OF THE DECADE!
LMFAO!!!
Excellent!
Guy Fieri is a douchebag.
Repeated for the google index.
I saw this blog at CNN yesterday and was tempted to post until I noticed that all of the comments (at that time) were mostly favorable to FN. Having posted on CNN blogs previously, I’m aware that comments are carefully screened, and I figured that anything negative about FN would be squelched. I probably could have done a clever tap dance and delivered a back-handed compliment about Fool Nutwork, but it’s the holiday season, so I bit my fingers and sipped some fine wine!
Poor Teresa.
“‘Love anything with Guy Fieri & Alton Brown… they could read the classifieds for a half hour and I would watch!’ -Becky
Give me a break, Becky. You’re full of shit.”
Pretty sure I just woke the entire house up over here. Hilarious.
The worst part is, Anna’s son can’t understand why he’s been named “Florence”.
“It’s a vagina, not a clown car.”
Easily one of the damn funniest things I have read on this site, thus far (which is saying a lot, considering how much FNH sets me off laughing). Excellent job as usual, Jillian.
Ditto! Damb I hope I get to use that on someone before I die!
LOL @ it’s a vagina not a clown car! This is too funny!
What I don’t get is the one where Becky says she loves anything with Guy Fieri & Alton Brown. Those two are SO different, how could you be a fan of one and STAND the other? I mean, really? I enjoy Alton’s shows, because of the science and the fact that his recipes actually seem to work and taste good (I’ve made a few of them), and I hate Guy Fieri because he is pretty much the opposite. So what is Becky, a multiple personality?!?
LMAO!
“13 sons? Whoa, slow down there, Teresa. It’s a vagina, not a clown car.”
seriiously made my day thank you.
I’ve noticed that Michael Chiarello has NOT been mentioned (nor has been listed) as a chef on Food Network. Can’t decide if he’s straight or not?
“I love Unwrapped and my 13 sons love it too!” -Teresa
Obviously it was unwrapped… you have 13 kids.
Ooh–need to go back to the source material, though. The clown-car commentary is funny, but the actual comment on CNN’s blog referenced “my 13 son loves…” The writer almost certainly was talking about a 13-year-old son.
BAH HUMBUGG
happy to be of service in the name of accuracy :)
So wait, Food Network had a record year this year? You mean the same year you guys launched this website? I’m seeing a connection.