NOTE: FNH is on hiatus for a few months and will feature reposts and limited new material.
2010 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS of the Food Network Hosts
---UPDATE: Donations To FNH From Food Network Hosts (The Alton Brown Throwdown)
---NBC Shows Starring Food Network Hosts
---Rejected Got Milk Ads From Food Network Hosts: Part 2
---If The Food Network Hosts Were On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
General: Food Network »
2010 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS of the Food Network Hosts
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I didn’t make any resolutions this year… but word on the street is that the Food Network hosts did.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---2011 New Years Resolutions---UPDATE: Donations To FNH From Food Network Hosts (The Alton Brown Throwdown)
---NBC Shows Starring Food Network Hosts
---Rejected Got Milk Ads From Food Network Hosts: Part 2
---If The Food Network Hosts Were On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
- General: Food Network
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We are not affiliated with the Food Network, or any of their hosts, in any way. This is a satire, humor, and parody website.
(c) 2012 Food Network Humor - All Rights Reserved
61 Responses
The Neelys: We will try to not make sexual innuendos for at least once during the year.
I want to bathe after seeing that display day after day
reminds me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-BfQ7hJ6Po
John-Boy should be afraid…very afraid. Retched could be the next Lorena Bobbitt.
He’s been neutered for about 5 years.
FN aired a “new” Vacation show that was filmed almost two years ago in WA (the real short hair, old wedding set). Enywho, our boy Jaaaahnie began to skip and flutter his arms through a field of lavender and shout out, “Look, I’m frolicking!”
Seriously.
In 2010, I will finally get around to doing those “other” shows I keep talking about when I say “but, that’s another show.” – Alton Brown
I will only say “Russ-cipes” 730 times this year. – Aunt (hic) Sandy
In 2010, I will make certain the whole world knows I’m Korean. – Debbie lee
In 2010, I will try to look into the camera with the red light on a little more often. – Aida Mollenkamp
In 2010, I resolve to give up my security blanket, stop sucking my thumb, and wean myself from having Susie Fogelson read me to sleep. – Bob Tuschman
I busted out laughing at this!
I will make $10 Parisian based dinners. – Melissa Darabian
(With 40 dollars of ingredients.) – Melissa Darabian
And claim it’s only $10.
And remind you to buy in bulk to save money.
And remind you milk goes on sale at 9 am on Mondays.
And prove over and over again that Jeffrey should’ve won!
In 2010, I resolve to tell Donatella Arpaia of my unspoken love for her. And to take more naps to be less cranky. – Jeffrey Steingarten
What resolutions? I don’t need to make resolutions. I’m perfect, wonderful and gorgeous as I am. Where’s my bacon-wrapped bacon sandwich stuffed with bacon? – Alex Guarnaschelli
I would have thought she was the most likely candidate for a bikini line trim. I’ll bet she has one real hairy unit.
Forget giant scissors. You’ll need a commercial grade weed wacker. And 18 lbs of wax.
In 2010, Lord, I will try to accept that mah prescious li’l Bobby is — is — (Lord, he’p me!) — GAY! – Paula Deen
In 2010, I will stop abusing and overusing the phrase “grillin and chillin.” -Bobby Flay
Too bad, because it reminds me of the only show I liked with Booby. Jack McDavid would put Booby in his place all the time.
Funny list! Here’s my addition:
In 2010, I will be more leary of flying hams. -Paula Deen
It started with a giggle…then I burst out into a full-fledged LMAO!!! Good one, Jenna!!
Aaron McCargo Jr. – I will get hooked on phonics
Anne Burrell – I will contract a Miss Piggy Tourette’s Syndrome to compliment my Kermit The Frog one.
Sandra Lee – I will show an honest reaction when I try my own food.
Ina Garten – I will finally tell Michael, “enough with the hydrangeas!”
Robin Miller – I will start having a personality.
Sunny Anderson – I will do a better job of hiding my fatties.
In 2010…
I will stop kidding myself, and finally embrace my homosexuality – Andrew Knowlton
I’ll do my best to stop mumbling when I’m on camera – Michael Groover
I’ll go back to my spiky hair (a la Thomas Dolby) that looks best on me – Alton Brown
Bobby Flay: I will make roasted poblano peppers ice cream with minced chipotle.
Rachael Ray: I will carry no more than 10 items at a time from the pantry to the prep table.
Bobby Flay: I will get fitted for that mansiere I so desperately need, which I hope comes in a chili pepper print.
Ina Garten: I will bust loose, live a little, and use store-brand vanilla extract – but just once, and then only for some cookies I’m giving away to The Hamptons Soup Kitchen and Shelter for Homeless Homosexuals.
Alton Brown: I will think of what I’m going to say before I actually speak it, thereby reducing the number of “uhs” per sentence to two or three, tops. Okay, four, but no more than four. Or five.
lol!I like Ina’s :)
I will stay away from plunging necklines so I don’t burn my nipples on the stove.-Giada
Pure genius! The mental image has me in stitches.
Rachael Ray – I will stop licking the corners of my mouth, maniacally giggling at my own anecdotes, and harping on Grampa Emmanuel’s nutmeg addiction and John’s preference for chicken thighs. And I’ll try to cut back on the Al Sharpton hubcap necklaces.
i agree. soooo annoying she is.
I will actually taste, chew, and swallow the foods that I prepare on FN before declaring them wonderful. – Robin Miller
And will consult my opthalmologist to find out why my eyeballs are almost falling out of my head.
I will shut the fuck up. – Rachael Ray
I will try to keep the grease out of my hair and into the pan. -Guy Fieri
I will make the producers have a larger budget for better weaves.
I will keep liars on the show despite my constant enunciation of “Credibility” on the next season of “The Next Food Network Star”. – Bob Tushie
I will wear blouses that question not just my taste for clothing fabric, but the fabric of the universe itself- Susie “Bicentennial Shirt” Fogleson
I will guffaw like a sea sick donkey at the dumbest fucking jokes said by anyone in the english speaking portion of the planet. – Guy Ferry (Douchebag)
RR: i will go 30 minutes w/o uttering “dee-lish”, “yumm-o” or “how good does that smell?”
Aunt (hic) Sandy: will go ONE episode w/o the hideous tablescape from Hell
Jeffrey Garten: i will not expect chicken—or sex—every Friday night!
The Jeffrey line made me giggle and throw up a little bit in my mouth.
Not many men dare enter Rachel Ray’s foreboding and treacherous forest of Mirkwood.
oh rill-lay?
I resolve to never ever ever watch another fucking episode of any show I’ve seen before.
good fucking luck to me.
Mario Batali – I will buy one pair of long pants and a real pair of shoes (in a color other than orange).
Guy Fieri – I will feature at least one diner, drive-in or dive where I’ll be honest and declare the food to actually be NOT so good.
I will grow a pair of balls and finally tell that bitch what I REALLY think of her and her brown sugar! – Pat Neely
hehe LONG overdue !
I will keep my face orgasms out of the kitchen and in the bedroom. – Giada de Laurentiis
Giada: I will remember that children might be watching my show and behave accordingly, instead of like a soft porn actress.
Guy Fieri – I will come to realize “Slama Jama” and “parmigiana” don’t rhyme.
Ina Garten – I will try to restrain my bursts of nervous laughter any time one of my fabulously rich and possibly gay friends feign accepting my baked treats delivered in a lovely basket decorated in linen.
Rachael Ray – I will not invent one more dumb word like “stoup” to describe the crap I throw together in 30 minutes.
Ina Garten: I will create some NEW recipes instead of simply “turning up the volume” on my limited cache of same.
Sandra Lee: I will publicly admit that my carpet does not match my curtains.
(attention to detail FAIL)
the “Personality chefs”: we will work towards never appearing on Iron Chef and spend an hour making a salad, one salad
Karine Bakhoum, Super Judge: I will look at the camera when talking and not turn my chair into a sopping mess while devouring a sea urchin and cranberry flan, also, I will try to not yell at the staff
Marc Summers: I will let you in on the real Marc Summers, I am actually a very angry guy and have killed hundreds of house pets
Mario B: next Iron Chef, secret ingredient better be coke and strippers or I’m not coming back, that’s my resolution
Debbie The Korean Person: I will not stick candy bars in my pockets while no one’s looking
“When I am in the judging seat, I will try not to look or sound like I’m chewing my cud and that I haven’t been laid since the Reagan administration “-Jeffrey Steingarten
“I will stop shamelessly riding the coattails of my wife’s success” – Mr. Rachael Ray
“And I pledge to stop looking like an ugly hobo and I promise to never again appear on FN since I have absolutely no culinary credentials (and I am so ugly)” J.C. (Mr R.R.)
“I pledge to become more bloated and burst before Mario Batali does”. Emeril
In 2010, Ina pledges to use some new material when entertaining her guests….
Instead of her usual “Don’t have too much fun without me”, she’ll push herself away from the table, LOUDLY belch and say, “You’s got room for dessert?”.
Ha ha, Suebee, that one about Ina just made my day.
I will increase my irrelevance on ICA.
- The Chairman
Sunny Anderson: I will breathe.
Rachael Ray: I will stop grunting ‘umm, umm, umm’ nervously. I’ll stop repeating ‘people will wonder what that special something is’ in every recipe.
Alton Brown: I will get my mole checked.
John Cusimano: I will shower more frequently.
I bet Rachael likes him unwashed – she did say the other day that she loves the stinkiest cheese.
Chef Maj. Cmdr. Lt. Gen. Robert Irvine, Esq: I pledge to focus more on squats and less on curls, and only cycle anabolics half as much. EETS ALL OI CAN DO!!!
[...] Finally, if all the resolution making (and keeping!) is stressing you out, Food Network Humor has a list of the 2010 New Years Resolutions of the Food Network Hosts [...]
Not only am I associated with Sandra Lee by state of origin, but she is a “notable” alumni from the college I attend. My life is pretty much screwed-right?!