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How To Make An Episode Of Barefoot Contessa
Published on: January 13, 2010 – 12:21 pm by Jillian Madison 
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Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Barefoot Contessa: the Jeffrey Garten Birthday Episode---Barefoot Contessa: Beach Barbecue Photo Recap
---A Barefoot Reminder
---THINGS WE HATE: Barefoot Contessa’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix
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THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
LOL I needed that laugh this morning =)
How easy is that?!
This was the cherry on top of this post! Thanks! :-D
Hah! You read my mind!
lol, yeah some of the things she makes that are “super easy,” makes me wanna hurl.
And say “how bad can that be?” about 12 times.
How bad can that be (saying “How bad can that be?” about 12 times).
I wish Ina would throw some new material to make fun of into the mix. I think we’ve pretty much covered what she’s got now. Maybe she could borrow some of Paula Dean’s clown shirts or stick her head in the oven all the time like Alton Brown. The least she could do is have Michael Chiarello over for dinner. He’s so far in the closet he’s in Narnia and it might be liberating for him.
Come to think of it, she’s pretty normal by comparison to all of these oddballs, no?
lol@ Michael Chiarello so far in the closet he’s in Narnia! Along with Bobby Dean!
LMFAO @ the Narnia comment!
Have you moaned while you are cooking or tasted something? If not, insert between volume being turned up and the photograph. Don’t forget to praise and humor Miguel for arranging a tablescape anyone can do, but you know he need’s a job. Thats somewhere at the beginning.
Don’t forget to flip hair behind your ear with your hand AFTER you have washed your hands but before you have mixed dough with said hand, and blink rapidly whenever you look directly into the camera.
Also, wrap a decorative scarf around your neck anytime that you leave the house, even if it is July and hotter than Hades and you are just going down to the market.
If you go to the market, always make sure that it is a market where a.) there are NO other customers, least of all in line in front of you and b.) you know every employee, down to the guy delivering the produce to the back door, by name.
Make sure the cameraman takes a good, clean shot of the hood ornament on the hood of your Mercedes, lest anyone shoudl think you might drive an American car that cost less than most peoples’ first house.
Re the market, c.) never even make a pretense of paying for anything.
Ina never carries a purse or wallet with her, so it seems that her purchases in those upscale shops in the Hamptons are “on account”. I’d love to see the monthly statements for all of those “good” ingredients ;)
One 12 oz. bottle “really good” vanilla–$45…for everyone else
One 12 oz. bottle “really good” vanilla–$130…for Ina (she’ll never know, tee hee!)
Bah, ya’all don’t pay enough attention to the accessories. Ina frequently rocks several (slightly overstuffed half the time) Hermes Kelly wallets. The orange one has been making more appearances lately.
if they show her paying for the items, it is technically a waste of show time, really. it is understood that she pays for it.
The store should also prominently display ‘Barefoot Contessa’ cake, cookie and brownie mixes right where she is choosing tomatoes or fish or any other place that said mixes would not normally be displayed.
…and a market where you never have to pay. I guess she has accounts at every store in the Hamptons.
LOL! That just about sizes it up.
But what’s with the recent fascination with the photography aspect? I don’t remember Ina and others taking pictures all the time in the early episodes?
Too funny, Jillian. What about the slurping? Don’t forget that!
ditto!!
Make sure you insert comment, “Now who wouldn’t want to eat THAT for dinner?”
Also, take a little stroll in the garden to harvest an armful of fresh hydrangeas or orange tulips; have a fake, staged phone call with one of your friends where you wink into the camera because of whatever plans you’re cooking up; juice some lemons on that god-awful, whiny, screechy juicer; pop your collar; and don’t forget to throw several pounds of butter into each dish you’re preparing.
And be sure to include a disclaimer when you use said butter, since you have had a bazillion people criticizing you for using enough butter each week to feed a third world nation for a year by stating something like, “Don’t EEEE-ven START with me. You CAN’T make BROOOWWWN-ies without BUUUUTT-er.” (yeah, she really said that, just before putting a ton of butter into some brownies she was making for Jeffrey that also included enough peanut butter dollops on top to choke a Clydesdale–call 9-1-1 stat! Jeffrey is experincing chest pain and numbness down his left arm–AGAIN!!!)
michmom – I was thinking that even as I was typing, hehe! Or she’ll say, “Now, it seems like a lot of butter, but this dish is going to feed a lot of people!”
ROFL!!!
Don’t forget: Make awful faces when tasting food, then say: HMMMMM! You can really taste the lemon and the flour and the salt and etc.
LOL nice post Jillian :)
And speaking of “you can really taste…..”, if the people who work for her can’t tell the difference between cheese danish with our without [gasp] lemon, chicken salad with or without [nailbiter] tarragon or chocolate cupcakes with or without [drumroll, please] instant coffee than why the hell do they work for a specialty foods company or whatever she’s running? Palate sophistocation abounding. I hear the CEO of Merrill Lynch asks the mail clerks for investment advice, too.
Be sure to remind your viewers – again! – to crack eggs in a separate bowl because “you never know when you’ll get a bag egg!”
Don’t forget to mention that when adding eight sticks of butter and four pounds of sugar in that cake batter that “it makes alot of cake”. Then leave half the mix in the bowl as you pour off a portion to bake so that off camera you can lick the bowl clean.
with her own finger, not a batter finger, lol!!
“Exaaaactly”
You forgot: Use the most hoplessly old fashioned gadgets to make sure cooking time is at least five hours.
Who DOESN’T grind their own potatoes?
Oh, yeah! Ina must remind her viewers that they can find these gadgets in their local hardware store. Say, what? If you ask for one of these old-fashioned monstrosities, the young clerk at said hardware store will look at you like you’re from another galaxy!
Well, Ina’s hardware store is probably not like our hardware store. There is probably a quaint, old-fashioned hardware on the main drag of East Hampton that specializes in charming, old-fashioned items that they either have in stock or will procure for you for a staggering price (this is East Hampton, after all). This store probably has Radio Flyer wagons, metal funnels, wood clothes pins, and, of course, every item that Ina uses and tells you that you will be able to find at your local hardware store, even though your local hardware store, has, in fact, been put out of business by Home Depot and Lowe’s and personalized service is only a pipe dream for you.
Actually, Michmom, THT and I have been going to a family owned hardware/plumbing business for 35 years. They have a very nice selection of housewares and small appliances, but I have never seen that food mill contraption of Ina’s. I think if I were to ask someone at the store about a food mill, they would steer me to the Cuisinart food processors – LOL!
Ina said you could buy a food mill at the hardware store? Well, that just proves that Ina never, ever shops for her own kitchen gadgets. Either that, or her hardware store is called Williams-Sonoma. On tonight’s episode, she told us that we could find cheesecloth at the hardware store. Really? Do hardware stores really sell cheesecloth? I can’t even imagine what dept. that would be in. I think Walmart sells it, but the chances of Ina going into a Walmart are about the same as her getting a job as a Hooters girl.
Red wagons are actually “a must” on Fire Island where are no cars. TR is also a must but he prefers the Hamptons.
I have a friend who has a food mill and she loves it for making red bean soup because it takes the skins off of the beans or something. That said, it had been her grandmother’s. In this day and age you’d probably have to bypass Fred’s Hardware and Blacksmith and head to a kitchen supply store. Not that I’ve ever seen a kitchen supply store but FN personalities tout them like there’s one on every corner.
I have 2 food mills from my Mom’s kitchen. One is larger than the other. They make the best fresh applesauce.
I have a food mill. It’s good for fruit things because it separates the pulp from the skins. For ‘mashed’ potatoes, not so much. I don’t see any improvement over just mashing ‘em with a masher. By the time you take out the mill, put in the correct blade, put in the taters, turn and reverse, turn and reverse, then have to put the spuds back in the pan to reheat and add the milk or whatever. Fogedabowdit. Then you have to clean the thing. Too much to do just for mashed potatoes. Let’s face it: Ina may use hers to do her taters, but I doubt she’s washed a dish or cleaned a kitchen in eons. I’ll stick with my masher that take two minutes and then toss it in the dishwasher.
You can buy food mills at farm supply stores; I actually bought one there and I’m not 85 years old. I would *love* to see Ina in a farm supply store!
Yes, Ina in Tractor Supply requesting a couple of 50 lb. bags of Goat Chow for her stash of goat cheese-producing goats and some bag balm to help the chapping on her buttocks from standing out on the beach in 50 mph winds in lightweight black (always black!) pants.
grind potatoes with a Passe Vite…I dare Ina or Alton for that matter to tell me what that is (I know!)
Oh how funny Cat Chow, they have both used food mills on their shows!
Yes, but the Passe Vite is REALLY old school…down to the red knob….
There is an actual brand called Passe Viteb (because the term is French), I’m pretty sure it was made in Italy tho, with the red knob. Makes the perfect Guatemalan Black Beans….
Cat Chow, dam, a food mill is a food mill! And yes Passe Vite are French! Get off your high horse!
Make sure that your ingredients are “EARTHY”!
Oh, and be sure to make up silly and unbelievable situations to cook your friends a wonderful dinner. Then the camera will pan back to you, alone at home, eating a bowl of soup or a slice of toast, while your friends whoop it up at a dinner party with the dinner you spent all day making. (Or in the case of Dwyer, you get Chinese take-out)
B..b..but you friends will send you photos so that you can see how much fun they’re having without you!
Watch it CherryRose, bullits ar a flyin! Hehehe!
Always remember to have on hand:
- Fresh herbs from your garden
- Free-range chicken
- Artisan cheese
- Beef, pork and lamb from local farms
- Confectioner’s suger
- Heirloom tomatoes
- Buffalo mozzarella
- Belgium high cocoa chocolate
- Home-made chicken stock
Along with good vanilla and good olive oil.
Jimmy Johnson, you don’t have confectioner’s sugar?
Actually, I do – along with good vanilla and good olive oil… I’m not a complete failure.
What?? You don’t have saffron?!? (you know, the stamen of the crocus…) Or truffle butter?
Haha… Actually I do have saffron. No truffle butter, but I do have truffle oil.
And, don`t have any fun without me!
and remember to tell us what “the good news is” for preparing each dish.
Don’t forget they also have to set up tables with tableclothes and hydrangeas on the beach with the wind blowing 150 mph.
And yet, even during gale force winds, Ina’s charcoal grill is always the perfect temperature, with perfectly glowing coals, and the wind has no effect on it whatsoever.
My favorite episode was when Michael brought the big palm plants to the beach! I literally could not breathe when I saw him lugging 4 huge plants to bury in the sand to dress up Ina’s beach barbecue. Way too funny!
And it is always sooo damn windy that Ina’s scarf blows up in her face & her hair sticks in her mouth. What we dont see are the FN flunkey interns chasing napkins all over the the beach.
I wonder if the interns spit in the food before Ina serves it to her ritzy friends.
“MMMMM. Sand in the food! Now who wouldn’t want to eat that?!”
Uh heh heh heh. Uh heh heh heh. How bad is that?
I love how everyone gets ripped on this site! Ina certainly deserves all the criticism we can hurl her way… fuck’n snob!!
[...] Food Network Humor: How to Make an Episode of Barefoot Contessa The only thing that would have made this better is a stand mixer appearance. If you’re an Ina fan, definitely check it out. [...]
Right @Anne us ladies have noticed the orange Hermes wallets! I even saw her with a black Kelly. She may wear the same drap crap every day but homegirl can accessorize!
[...] Food Network Humor: How to Make an Episode of Barefoot Contessa The only thing that would have made this better is a stand mixer appearance. If you’re an Ina fan, definitely check it out. [...]
You guys laugh all you want at Ina. She’s laughing back at you all the way to her Hampton bank!!
And should you ever come knockin’ when the tent’s rockin’, no problemo. It’s just Ina struggle to extricate her bulk from said tent without getting the ten pole up her ass!
:)
[...] Food Network Humor: How to Make an Episode of Barefoot Contessa The only thing that would have made this better is a stand mixer appearance. If you’re an Ina fan, definitely check it out. [...]
[...] Food Network Humor: How to Make an Episode of Barefoot Contessa The only thing that would have made this better is a stand mixer appearance. If you’re an Ina fan, definitely check it out. [...]