I’ve been getting dozens and dozens of e-mails from miserable Cablevision customers who have been going into Food Network withdrawal since Scripps took the channel off the air on January 1st. To help ease the pain of a life without Sandra Lee, I will live-blog Food Network programming from 12-3 pm EST. There are some good episodes coming up, too. Paula Deen will be showing us how to raise our cholesterol while pinching pennies, and Sandra Lee will be making her unique No-Bake Daffodil Cake.

12:00: Paula Deen just stated she was “real real tight.” I’m not sure if she was talking about her pocketbook, or her ass. This episode could get weird, y’all.

12:02: Paula just referred to tilapia as a “strong fish.” Another term that would be accurate: “fish that tastes like corrugated cardboard.”

12:06: Paula really loves her cast iron pans. You can tell because she giggles whenever she mentions them.

12:09: Here’s the blackened tilapia. It’s sort of making me nauseous.

12:15: Paula just stated there was something “BREATHTAKING” going on her back yard, and then cut to a commercial. Um, if it involves Captain Michael sunbathing in a Speedo, I don’t want to know.

12:21: Thank God. No Speedos anywhere. Just some really high ocean tides in Paula’s back yard. How riveting.

12:25 The rice pudding hath been dusted with cinnamon and nutmeg. Paula’s going in for a taste. She’s closing her eyes and grunting. I think she likes it but I can’t be sure. She exhibited the same behavior the time she narrowly missed stepping in dog shit when Kathy Griffin was visiting her house.

12:30: That’s it for Paula! Next up, Everyday Italian. On today’s episode, Giada’s paying tribute to the Italian ladies in her family by making them realize she’s much more attractive than they are. Ooh, AUNT RAFFI IS HERE. And for some reason, this episode looks like it was filmed in 1997.

12:35: It’s always really awkward when these 2 get in the kitchen together, and this episode is no exception. Giada is just standing around chopping stuff and making this face a lot:

12:40: It’s a miracle. Neither Giada’s nor Raffi’s boobs are visible. This MUST be an old episode.

12:45: BREAKING NEWS — Vegetables taste better if you season them. Thank you, Giada!

12:50: Raffi’s gone and Giada’s making Cheese Crostini with Anchovy Herb Butter on her own. She’s explaining more than I care to know about how anchovies are stored and packaged. Oh, and there it is. The obligatory close-up of her nails digging into a clove of garlic.

12:55: Aaaaand, cue the porn music. Giada’s grating the PROV-UHH-LONN-EEIGHHH cheese.

Also, is it just me, or are you sick of seeing commercials for The Best Thing I Ever Ate? Dear Food Network, I don’t need to see macro shots of Duff Goldman shoving food in his mouth every 5 seconds.

12:58: Giada’s awkwardly grinning a lot, and drinking Espresso Zabaglione with her mother and Aunt Raffi. Aaaand, roll credits. Holy shit, the episode was from 2004. No wonder there were no boob shots. The Food Network wasn’t ready for serious boobage back then.

1:00: Hello, Rachael Ray! What 30 minute crap will you be making for us today? Oh, a green food that will make my friends “green with envy” when they taste it? God, Rach. You’re so clever.

1:04: Rachael’s making Green with Envy Orecchiette and Red Wine Braised Sausages. It is as hideous as it sounds.

1:10: Rachael keeps talking about how “delicious” her wine-infused sausages are. I think she’s trying to convince herself more than us. Frankly, they look like bloated dog ticks.

1:15: What the hell is Rachael wearing around her neck? It looks like a diseased chicken foot.

1:17: Einsten forgot to add the garlic to her pesto. You’re fired, Rachael.

1:20: I must say, she’s busting out all her obnoxious words today. “Spoonula”, “garbage bowl”, “EVOO”, and “sammies” all got mentions.

1:26: Rachael’s spinach is wilting in the pan. Sort of like my soul while watching this awful episode.

1:28: Yeah, Rach, I’m sure this meal will be the “talk of the town.” It’s sort of hard to forget explosive diarrhea. Here’s the final product. Yelch. How nasty do these look.

1:30: Oh dear God. Ina’s jazzy piano intro is music to my ears. Save me from that sausage fest, Ina.

Oh, she’s cooking FRENCH FOOD on this episode. What a shocker. I bet the volume will be turned way up.

1:32: Stop the presses, Ina’s actually IN FRANCE, walking through a street market. She said she’ll be having friends over for cocktails later. Fifty bucks says they all have penises and are named “Steven.”

1:35: Ina’s still shopping. She’s throwing around all sorts of authentic French words, like “bonjour” and “au revoir.”

1:38: “Pick good anchovies. Bad anchovies can be really bad.” Well said, Ina. Well said.

1:46: She’s back in East Hampton, and she’s topping crusty bread with GOOD sliced salmon for her friend Anna. Eat your heart out, Jennifer Garner.

1:53: Guess what, guys? You can make your own croutons, as long as you use “REALLY GOOD BREAD.” Come on, Ina. I think it’s time for a new buzz word.

1:55: Oh Ina, I’m disappointed in you. What sort of host would go to the kitchen and leave poor old Anna alone to read a magazine and nibble on an imported piece of French bread by her lonesome?

1:58: Ina’s meeting Jeffrey for a picnic, and apparently, she’s using my grandmother’s favorite beach hat as a picnic basket.

2:00: And now, it’s time for Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee. Au revoir, Ina. We’ll always have Paris. And your tacky oversized black shirts.

2:02: Holy shit. Sandra Lee is wearing a yellow jacket, and is riding around in a yellow car that’s being driven by a man WHO LOOKS REALLY PISSED OFF. This. Is. Hilarious.

Apparently, she’s back “in her hometown” for something called the Daffodil Parade. I have no idea what that is. Thank god she brought in SEVEN MILLION DAFFODILS to drive the point home, though.

2:05: “Daffodils make me smile more than anything else. Well, other than my nephews.” And vodka, of course. Can’t forget vodka.

Sandra’s making Lemon Swordfish Brochettes. That’s French, for “vomit inducing.”

2:10: They’re in SEATTLE filming this! That’s not her hometown! She’s from Wisconsin! Liar liar pants on fire, Sandra Lee.

2:15: “This is a fiinnn-tastic menu, and it’s super super simple.” God, I miss laughing at Semi-Homemade. Money Saving Meals is the worst show ever.

2:17: Sandra’s adding lime-aid concentrate to olive oil and couscous. Could you not just vomit in your mouth?

2:20: It’s almost time for the no bake daffodil cake! That, of course, is just a store bought cake, with cookies and various other crap stuck onto it.

For those of you out there who’d like to make a No-Bake Daffodil Cake, here are the step by step directions:

2:27: It’s cocktail time! Today, she’s making a Daffodil Driver. It’s got apricot brandy, orange liqueur, apricot nectar, and peach vodka. Blend over ice, sip, gag, and repeat as necessary.

2:29: Sandra’s not messing around today. Her tablescape IS A BAR. Literally. It’s just a table, covered with dozens of her nasty “daffodil driver” cocktails. And she keeps saying “daffodillian.” Is that even a word? Can I get an official ruling? Oh Sandra. You never disappoint.

2:30: I hear annoying guitar strings and drum beats. That can only mean one thing: time for an ancient episode of Boy Meets Grill (from 2005) with Bobby Flay. He’s making breakfast sandwiches, which somehow reminds me… hey Bobby, how many wives have you had?

And with that, this live blog will be coming to an end. I simply can’t bring myself to watch Bobby Flay, so I’m signing off a few minutes early. I hope I was able to ease the pain for you Cablevision customers. I had fun watching Food Network with the rest of you funny FNH commenters! If only we could do this live — with video — mystery science theater style, it would be hilarious.

Until next time!

Other posts on Food Network Humor: