General: Food Network »
FIRST LOOK: New Cooking Channel Shows
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This May, Scripps will be replacing the Fine Living Network with their brand new Cooking Channel. According to the New York Times, the Cooking Channel (which should really be called the “Same Ol’ Shit” channel) will air “programs about alcoholic beverages, brunch, low-calorie eating, and food history.” It will also feature rehashed shows starring Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay, and other Food Network personalities:
Ms. Ray, the celebrity chef turned talk show host, will headline “A Week in a Day,” a one-hour show about stocking up on the week’s meals. Mr. Flay will be the host of a half-hour show, “Brunch With Bobby.” Emeril Lagasse will present “Fresh Food Fast,” a show that focuses on organic and locally grown ingredients. The channel is also importing several hosts from Food Network Canada, including Chuck Hughes, Roger Mooking and Laura Calder.
Those sound delightful and all, but these are the
top 5 shows I’d love to see on the new Cooking Channel:
1) WHAT’S MORE FLAMMABLE?
Each week, scientists and arsonists work together to determine if Guy Fieri’s hair is more flammable than a random mystery object.
2) RHYME TIME
Ordinary people on the street are offered big bucks if they can quickly think of a word that rhymes with GUARNASCHELLI.
3) GAYS OF OUR LIVES
Watch all the drama unfold as Ina Garten hosts and cooks for a new dinner party each week.
4) IT’S DARK DOWN THERE
Giada accompanies spelunkers and adventurists and uses the reflective light from her teeth to illuminate otherwise dark, impenetrable passages.
5) PITCH IT TO PAULA
Follow Paula Deen’s adventures as she finds more crappy products to endorse in this greedy, high stakes world of culinary moneymaking.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---New Cooking Channel/Food Network Shows---FNH REVIEW: Bitchin’ Kitchen On The Cooking Channel
---NBC Shows Starring Food Network Hosts
---Cooking Channel Gave Jamie Oliver A Sex Change
---Meanwhile… On The Cooking Channel…
- General: Food Network
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120 Responses
I hope they at least keep Iron Chef Japan on, haha. That’s quite literally the only thing I watch on FLN (which, can I just say ,has the most annoying eye-catches before commercial breaks I have ever seen on any TV station. Except for CI).
Oh, please…
That is exactly what I was going to say. Allez Cuisine!
Can we get one show title with Pepper Boy that doesn’t have to contain his name?
We already had that. It was called “Divorce Court.”
Nice one!
Ah; I love it here!
What no shows about cake?
Half Baked!!
Starring Duff Goldman and his buddies
“It’s Dark Down There”: When I saw that this was about Giada, I thought the show was going to have something to do with the valley between her boobs!
Good to see you back, Jillian!
And I thought it meant she doesn’t keep it trim somewhere even more south.
Surely, Giada can afford the best Brazilian.
Well I wouldn’t charge her a nickel to apply the wax ;).
I’d even let her say BRAAAH-zill-yuun, without complaining.
I’d pay anything to pour the wax in that mouth.
Welcome back Jillian, right on target as usual. Now we need to see pictures of the new digs.
When is the premier for “What’s More Flammable”? I want to set my DVR so I can replay it on autoloop.
Welcome back Jillian! Hope the move went well :)
And as always, this was a great post!
Hey Jillian – hope the hiatus was productive for you.
I just have one question for you – totally unrelated to this post, but I have been wondering this for a while.
I know you can’t stand Guy, and it’s obvious that many of the others on FN are less than adequate in your opion. And I get it – it’s a humor blog. You wouldn’t survive if you didn’t make fun of FN.
But seriously, are there any FN hosts / personalities that you DO respect and value? Not judging your blog at all – it cracks me up every day and for the most part I agree with you. Just wondering which of these folks, if any, do meet your high standard in show production values and / or culinary talent. Yes, I know Sandy won’t be on the list.
Laurin, I will channel Ms. Madison, and I believe she has the UTMOST respect for Robert Tuschman and SuzieCreamcheese. For they set that high bar all others must strive for. LOL!
And without those two, Jillian’s job might be tougher, but they make it a breeze, right Madison?
Laurin, the problem with FN is that somehow it manages to chase away all the respectable people – the good ones simply do not thrive there.
Sara Moulton could be a good example, she knows her cooking, especially the shrimp…tee hee, it’s a humor site after all!
ooops – OPINION. It’s been a long morning, already…
haha Pitch it to Paula. Maybe she will get on Shark Tank one of these days.
Yet ANOTHER show to be hosted by Rachael Ray? Ugh…
And welcome back, Jillian!
Rachael Ray show title sounds like a famous W.C. Fields quote about (?) Philadelphia…
What do you bet the chefs from Canada totally embarrass the current line-up?
You know they will!
I think you will like a few of the chefs from Canada. Laura Calder and Chuck Hughes are great. Roger Mooking is a bit of stain that thinks he is the second coming of Escoffier.
Many FN Canada personalities/chefs are way more credible in many ways. Many are accredited chefs that eased into TV gradually. Unlike some of the monsters FN created in the USA.
FN Canada is not dumbed down…yet.
Great to have you back — hope the move went well!
And I love “Pitch it to Paula”… it’s funny because it’s basically reality.
Welcome Back!!
“What’s More Flammable” Ahhh, the thought of seeing Ferry set ablaze is delightful….
GUARNASCHELLI=BOWLFULLOFJELLY
Woohoo! What have I won?!?
I bow down to your awesomeness. I’ve been sitting here trying to figure something out. I had nothin’.
HIDEGUYFIETTI (If you use his preferred pronunciation)(And yes, I know it’s “TT”s and not “LL”s. It’s more about the cadence.)
Close enough for a cigar?
And for confirmation, I did think of several more personally preferable verbs that “hide,” but I opted for the G-rated version since it’s so close to Ash Wednesday, and all.
Or FATANDSMELLY. Not as good as BOWLFULAJELLY but….
Party time with Guarnaschelli at the alley – Goldschlager shooters for everyone!
GUARNASCHELLI=PEPTOBISMOLFORYOURBELLY
GUARNASCHELLI=STOPSTINKINGTHETELLY
GUARNASCHELLI=BETTERMOVETODELHI
Or as Giada would say…
“Cahv-uhhhhhhh-telli”
Hilarious!
I also hope they preserve Iron Chef :(
It’s so nice to be part of a thread where people actully have a sense of humor! I posted a message on the message board of a certain talk show airing my grievances about a certain host and got the tar kicked out of me by about 20 people of a certain demographic who watch the show. Not that any of them would have the sense of humor to even find this site but I’m not naming the show to prevent having to go on the lam. I am really looking forward to more posts and more comments from cool, fun people.
How can we defend you honor without knowing what show? Had a similar experience when I dogged Mommy McBacon’s recipes in FN’s review section. They don’t want anyone not drinking the Kool Aid.
OK. It was (gulp) The View. Shameful, I know.
Oh my, you know it’s not nice to mess with Barbara WaaWaa. They’re vicious to ‘non-believers’. I only ‘peek’ at the show after something hugely political happens just to hear the banter. Otherwise can’t stomach it.
I have no issues with BW. I had the audacity to criticize Elisabeth and the stroller patrol went bats**t crazy on me. Not that that’s going to stop me.
Back when she was still an H List celeb hosting a makeover show on Style, I got to work with Elizabeth for a couple days when they taped where I was working at the time. She was quiet, sweet as can be, and she worked her cute little ass off like she was no better than anyone else on the crew. I’m not sure what happened to her, but giving her a platform to express herself certainly has drawn out a whole other, no-so-sweet side of her.
Laura Calder has a show called French Food at Home here in Canada, I think you guys will love her. She’s basically the canadian version of Nigella Lawson.
Oh, and welcome back Jillian!
I’ll take any positi…ummmm, version (yeah that’s it!) of Nigella Lawson…
Speaking of Gays of our Lives, Ina just made lunch for gay bridge club. She made sliders on the grill. Here’s some conversation:
Ina: Who wants cheese on their sliders?
Gay #1: Who doesn’t???!!!
Ina and Gays #1-4 together: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nervous, maniacal giggling.
Then yes, she melted ice cream, poured it in a bowl, put a slice of store bought cake and rasberries on top and proclaimed “how easy is that?????”
If I get cheese on my slider, I’m handing the old lady some vagisil.
Oooo! Dank! Hee, hee.
My husband just choken on a peanut guffawing on that. Thanks, dear.
I meant choked. Oh no. Wrong activity to reference in this post.
Even if you just made that up (and kudos if you did) I can totally picture that scene. Hilarious. :)
It really happened. They also had a creamy cucumber salad to go with – no lie.
I think Ina has officially become a parody of herself.
Creamy cucumber..heh heh heh.
Booby Deen was on Inas show?
No doubt wearing her Loro Piana slippers made of GOOD Italian cashmere. GAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Gay #2: You know I don’t like it when you eat cheese.
Wonder if he might be referring to Ina “cutting the cheese”? With all that butter, cheese, cream she eats, I’m guessing that she’s pretty good at it!
I am waiting for “Lifestyles of the Unwrapped Extras” where we find out backstories of the people sitting in the fake diner where Marc Summers talks about “getting some crunch to munch” and going into a Crunch & Munch factory.
As well as “Ina Garten’s Taste Test” where contestants must distinguish the good vanilla for the bad vanilla for cash and prizes.
Ina’s first taste test……PROTEIN SHAKES!!!!
GUARNASCHELLI / PASTA BELLY
Guarnaschelli = Kokopelli
Booyah.
Adolfo Celi
Hold the phone, it’s Ghiradelli.
I’d watch any show where I could see Guy’s disgusting hair on fire. Preferably his bling, sunglasses and bowling shirts would flame up as well.
Guarneschelli/PIRELLI – as in spare tire ;)
How about “Paula’s Cream&Butter Wars” – first contestant to have a heart attack wins!
Hey Jillian!
I can’t believe no one has made the Fat Bastard connection yet!
Guarneschelli/GET IN MAH BEL-LAY
It even rhymes and is topical.
1999 called, it wants its reference back.
She does look like she’d eat a baby though.
That reply is as dated as the original post. So I guess you go with Emdub, Scruffy. Bye.
I like the ‘dated’ reference. It helps me to remember that dispite how I sometimes feel, I am not the only over 30 and under 80 person left in the world.
I think they need to bring ROONEY back to a cooking show…he was on Good Eats for a while, and was Mario’s sidekick on Mario Eats Italy…We miss him.
So to sum up this post, if I want to watch quality shows that instruct me on cooking good food… I should just go ahead and stick to PBS? Alrighty then, thanks!
Lidia and America’s Test Kitchen FTW!
Welcome back – missed ya!
- “Brunch With Bobby” sounds like it should be on Logo
- “Pitch It To Paula” Even better it should be people throwing things at her and seeing if she can catch them vs. if they will smack her in the face like that ham a while back.
Great idea for “Pitch It to Paula”!
So glad to have you back, Jillian! Hope the move went well and that you’re all settled into your new casa. Cheers!
Welcome back, Jillian!!!!! My fix has been satiated, and it feels all mellow in here…
Personally, I’d like to see Ina Garten and Brian Boitano co-host a show….you can call it, “Well, duh…”
You can call it FAB-U-LOUS !
But seriously I can’t wait for Brian Boitano to return.
Me too. I thought his show was positively hilarious.
Guarneschelli = BEEFCURTAINSAPLENTI
Oh Jill we missed you! This is too funny, I was wondering if everyone here could say a prayer fro my aunt, she’s suffering from viral encephalitis and is getting better each day. I would appreciate it greatly. =)
Most certainly. And she’s on the prayer chain at my church, too.
And what about the fact that Cablevision does not even carry Fine Living Network? Are we going to lose some of our shows a second time or is there a chance of them adding the network when it changes?? Does anyone know?
Didn’t Emeril go to Fine Living to get away from the Food Network? Oh, I bet he’s overjoyed about THIS! “French Food Fast”? What is that, exactly? McDonald’s in Paris?
Oh, sorry, misread it–it’s “FRESH Food Fast”. Not a ton of difference, really. That would be McDonald’s, anywhere.
First off, love the site. Second, I laughed when I saw the Paula Deen one, because my work, which is not Wal-Mart or Target, recnetly started selling Paula Deen spice grinders. I’ve actually got pics of em too, just can’t post em here. Anyway, keep up the good stuff, I love it.
I’m still waiting for the FNH post about the recent episode of “The Best Thing I Ever Ate” in which Claire Robinson — with her makeup firmly set to ‘whore’ — CRACKS OPEN AND SUCKS THE WHITE GOO out of a piece of chocolate and then licks the remainder from her lips afterwards.
I was literally speechless when I saw it.
Tried to watch her show once, could not get through five minutes. Her mouth, what the hell is it about her mouth? You know in the Mummy where his jaws unhinge, that’s what I keep expecting her to do. Creep out factor – off the chart.
I bet she was very popular in college, and her husband must be wondering what he did right.
Sounds like another dopey channel that will eventually feature more “competition” and cake shows instead of actual cooking technique like the PBS shows offer.
By the way, a Paula Deen event here in Cincinnati was canceled this week. Tickets were $124 to $349 – can’t imagine why they called it off. Maybe if they offered a chance to hit her in the head with a ham they would have sold a few more.
Wouldn’t mind giving her a nice, solid smack in the back of her head powerful enough to knock all those affected “y’all”s out of her once and for good. Among other things. I sometimes have the misfortune of surfing past her show on FN and I can’t fathom how anyone can stand to watch her. One “y’all!” and I want to toss a brick at the screen. But, I generally opt to continue channel-surfing, or turn off the teevee altogether.
LMAO!!!
“WHO’S GOT THE UGLIEST HUSBAND” Each week viewers get to vote on which FN host’s husband makes you want to vomit the most. Rachael Ray’s husband, John Cusimano, usually wins, but Michael Groover, Todd Thompson (Giada’s Husband) and Philippe D’Arabian offer tough competition. Warning: this show willdefinitelyt make you lose your apppetite. The show is hosted by Brian Boitano.
Or ugliest wife/S.O.? But, we don’t get to see them all, do we? Well, Bobby’s wife is attractive, by anyone’s standards. And Guy F’s wife is quite pretty.
Jeffrey Garten is probably the cutest and cuddliest (and smartest) husband out there!
I’ll second that. I wish he had his own show, “How I pay for all of I’s kitchen barns/cars/shirts.” Not that she couldn’t pay but why the hell is he still working? For Fun? 4 hour commute anyone?(is he still at Yale?)
I agree! He’s a doll. Cute as a button and smart as a whip. Classic combo.
Not sure you’d find something *more* flammable than Guy Ferry’s hair. I imagine it going up in a huge, instantaneous flash once the tiniest of sparks hits it. “PHOOM!” Kind of like that flash paper which magicians use in their acts sometime. Or, maybe it would form a small mushroom cloud over his head.
I just read (and processed) that Rachael Ray is going to host a talk show about stocking up on the week’s meals in one day. Amateur. I regularly do a TWO-week menu, based around my husband’s pay periods, and yes, Aunt Sandy, I do clip coupons, buy stuff in bulk and on sale. So there’s a few shows I don’t need to bother to watch. Lucky me.
And I was doing all this even BEFORE I ever heard of you! I must be an idiot savant or something! (As opposed to just an idiot…)
Do you have a blog? You should. I would love to have a clue as to how to make dinner ahead 2 weeks at a whack. You could make some money doing that, but please let me know for free first!
Sara, bet a show you’d do would be vastly more ‘real’ than Mommy McBacon’s preschool version of saving-money-meal-making.
Aren’t you ladies sweet. It mostly arose out of necessity, since I have epilepsy and can’t drive to the store all the time myself (would YOU want me on the road?). So my husband has to drive me grocery shopping on the weekends. Thus I have to know WHAT to buy, thus I need a list, so I organized a menu. He still picks up perishables that we don’t freeze on his way home from work (like salad, fresh fruit, milk, things like that), but mostly we’re stocked for two weeks at a time. It’s a workable system and it’s amazing how much money you can save.
That’s exactly how I have to shop. All you do is make a list of what you are going to cook for the two weeks, then shop for all the ingredients. Only going shopping once every two weeks makes it less stressful. :]
Exactly! :)
Oh–and don’t forget household items like toilet paper, shampoo, petfood, spices if you’re running low, aspirin and other medications, bandaids, etc. Cash & Carry is a really good outfit if you’re familiar with that store; if not, it’s a store catering to small eateries that individual households can also buy from. It’s a good place to buy meat in bulk, quality kitchenwares, professional cleaners, and just generally lower-cost foods. I have to be careful about what I buy, though, because if it may be too much for me. Can we really consume 5 lbs of tomatoes before they spoil? Probably not. 25 lbs of rice? You betcha! Stuff like that helps. If you don’t have a specific Cash & Carry in your area, I bet you have something like it.
GUARNASCHELLI = barnaclebelly??
What is going to happen to Three Sheets? Doesn’t really sound like it goes with the new format. Blah.
Oh don’t even think that – that show is what gets me through Monday – Friday. Please don’t take my Zane away!
OMG – Messy D’arrabiata just made a comment about “when I was in Tunisia” and spices; is she now channeling Jeffrey Saad (whom I saw on local news thru [I think] “Chow Tips”)?
Laura Calder is amazing. I saw her show and I was like, “Eff, Food Network. Food Network Canada is the best.”
And it is. We shouldn’t let America have such a good show… enjoy her. As long as Martin Picard is never seen on American Soil then I’m happy.
I’m not looking forward to ‘The Deen Family Hot Tub Hour’…and you know it’s only a matter of time.
But that would wash the orange off. And I don’t want to see her in a bathing suit trying desperately to stretch enough without exploding.
My entries for Rhyme Time (They’re not one word answers, but what the hell):
1) Sheateoutthedeli
2) Slapthebitchalready
3) Derriereaplenty
You know as someone who is from Jamaica I fell in love with the Food Network when I moved to live in another country. I was overweight and eating the wrong meals and then I discovered Giada, Ina Garten and assorted other chefs who showed nice easy recipes that were low calorie (yes, I bought books and took out some stuff) and I have to say that I actually lost weight, especially when I watched shows like Ellie Krieger (before she started recycling fast foods), but I have to say that the quality of the recipes have fallen dramatically within the last couple of years. The only constant on the network is Ina Garten. I now call the Food Network, the Bobby Flay hour. I used to religiously watch Iron Chef America, but after seeing really good chefs being repeatedly defeated by so-called Iron Chefs who cook the same meals just using different ingredients it just kills me. Come on, how many ways can you make grilled food and those things that Bobby Flay makes. Someone needs to tell Bobby Flay that the constant eating of grilled foods will lead to cancer. The Network has really taken a nosedive for me as a fan and I am just outraged that all these “chefs” cannot come up with recipes that are more interesting other than the same rehashed stuff over and over and over again. As to Chopped, I used to miss L&O:SVU just to watch it, but no more. I hate the supercilious attitudes of the judges who think that they know more than the chefs themselves. It is good to criticise but not wrinkling your nose and looking down at people’s food as if it dog poo. Not cool.
My thoughts exactly.
1. “Pitch it to Paula” – watch as Paula Deen makes her face available as a landing pad for flying hams!
2. “Pumping Ina!” – a hilarious show where Ina Garten demonstrates just how easily she lifts 300 pounds…by getting out of bed every morning.
3. “Bobby’s Been Flayed!” – not for the squeamish, Bobby Flay is forced to run naked down a hallway studded with razor blades! And then he’s doused in vinegar!
3.
With the exception of Alton Brown, the best food shows aren’t even on the Food Network. History Channel and the Travel Channel are doing better shows, so I can’t imagine Scripps doing anything better.
Recipes are a dime a dozen. Teach me something new.
[...] mouth, folks. According to Aida Mollenkamp’s Facebook page, Ask Aida will be moved to the new Cooking Channel when it launches later this year. Aida will also be hosting another unnamed show on the Cooking [...]
So Cooking Channel has been on for a couple of months now, but I haven’t seen the Rachael Ray or Bobby Flay new shows mentioned in the original post. Are they dead in the water, or still waiting in the wings?