Giada De Laurentiis »
The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis
Published on: February 8, 2010 – 9:09 am by Jillian Madison 
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Come, my dear children, and kneel at the heels of your rich Italian grandparents, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Giada De Laurentiis.
I. Thou shalt always… (always)… zest at least one lemon for every recipe.
II. Thou shalt always have thy’s nails perfectly manicured in light pink Opi nail polish.
III. Thou shalt describe every piece of food as being “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.”
IV. Thou shalt always annoyingly overemphasize Italian words.
V. Thou shalt reveal thy bosom in low cut, tight shirts as oft as possible (thou shalt always be mindful of television ratings).
VI. Thou shalt retract thy’s lips and expose thy’s unnaturally large teeth as oft as possible.
VII. Thou shalt roll thy’s eyes at the camera whenever Aunt Raffi isn’t looking.
VIII. Thou shalt constantly use the word “perfect” to fill uncomfortable silences on episodes of Giada At Home.
IX. Thou shalt always over-exaggerate the amount of fun thy is really having at thy’s outdoor dinner parties.
X. Thou shalt never actually swallow thy’s prepared meals.
(Be sure to add your Giada Commandments in the comments section!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten---The Ten Commandments Of Money Saving Meals
---The Ten Commandments Of Paula Deen
---Aunt Raffi on Giada At Home
---FNH INTERVIEWS: Giada De Laurentiis
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten porn, Giada's gone Chinese, a review of Giada's Parmesan Garlic Dipping Sauce, Paranormal Cake Challenge, Down Home with the Neelys and Gina's rude sister, NFNS recap, tons of listener mail, and more!
It’s not that her teeth are large; it’s that you can see EVERY SINGLE TOOTH when she smiles.
And I think she does swallow (that’s what she said) because sometimes certain foods hit the back of her throat and she can feel a particular ingredient.
II. At lest once bend over for the camera and try to keep THEM out of the food.
Don’t forget to completely overuse the descriptor “heavenly.”
Thou shalt deny that one’s family, money, connections, and bosom have had any thing to do with ones success despite make sure to use them at every possible opportunity and manner.
X. Er, are you saying … Giada doesn’t swallow? Ha! I don’t believe that for ooooonnneee second
*wink wink*
My only disappointment with the picture is that only Giada’s head was photo-shopped. Head and cleavage would have been the perfect change to fulfill commandment five. Sigh
Thou shalt say “I love” about every ingredient in a recipe.
Thou shalt say “sugar” like I’m a 4 year old, over enunciating the shhhhhhhhhh.
Thou shalt cake on tons of purple eyeshadow to make them look less inbred.
Thou shalt act like a child whenever I have a guest on the show.
Thou shalt show myself washing my hands for 5 minutes, since its such a difficult task.
Thank you! I thought I was the only one who noticed her ridiculous pronounciation of shhhhhhhhugar.
Thou shalt accompany thy food preparation with softly throbbing porn-style music.
Thou Shalt apply Rogaine to Jades frontal lobe so that her hairline doesn’t start at the top of her head too!
LOLOL…GOOD ONE!
Thou shalt put MAR-SCU-POH-NAY in every damn recipe you make, be it appetizer, main dish or dessert.
Sandra Lee uses MARS-CA-PONE; Giada uses MAS-CARRRRRRR-PO-NAY.
Thou shalt always describe carrots as sweet.
Thou shalt describe every other food as crunchy, creamy and nutty.
Thou shalt finger the food as much as possible when prepping it.
Did anyone see the “Jade’s Birthday” episode on Giada at Home where this dumb ass claimed that her one year old LOVES basil and romano cheese? Very discerning palate that one year old has!
I was so grossed out by that episode. She had a petting zoo complete with a giant turtle. Turtles carry salmonella. All the kiddies were playing the animals and went straight to the table where they proceded to eat all the food with their hands that were just all over the pets!
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Grow up. R you guys for real? Sometimes i have to wonder. Not all “mothers” know how to cook or even chop veg properly. (that is in regards to prev posts that went on and on on that topic) And no self respecting mother will let her baby eat without washing their hands. Just because you didnt see it occur doesnt mean it didnt happen.
Hey Kim,
This site is called “Food Network Humor”. I believe the site “Defend The Food Network Host” is at another URL.
LIGHTEN UP—-yes i know it is HUMOR site. Bitching is not humor..and i defended no one…get it straight will ya
I thought it was funny when she said Jade loves the meatball sandwiches as well. I was thinking the child probably only has 4 teeth, how can she eat this stuff?
Giada probably chews it up with her giant mouth full of teeth and regurgitates it for her.
LOL, Julie!!!
What was truly heinous was that part of that episode showed us how to make sugar cookies – from freaking store bought cookie dough! OMG. So you unwrap, flour a little and roll out? Damn, I never would have gotten that! Press a cookie cutter into it, bake as well??!!!!
You got me. Waaaayyyy too hard!
Sugar cookies are a bitch to make lol. I’d rather get the store bought stuff, for real!
But to teach us how to make the store bought cookies.. that’s just silly!
Kristyn,
Look up the Wilton sugar cookie recipe. Six ingredients, no refrigeration, and my father-in-law loves them (he’s a professional baker in Chicago). The dough is really dry, but they bake in 7 minutes and taste like heaven.
Thou shalt always become the center of attention while holding court amongst family and/or friends.
Thou shalt experience multiple foodgasms with every tiny bite of food.
Thou shalt have an ever-present, smirky smile that reveals just how totally in love with thou’s self thou really is.
Thou shalt pretend thou eats all those fattening, delicious dishes, but in secret thou shalt eat nothing but a carrot stick, to maintain that waif-life waist.
Thou shalt possess a head and a set of hands too large in proportion to the rest of thy body.
Thou shalt possess great, round, grapefruit-like breasts, identical to the ones thy mother possesses, making viewers wonder if thou and mama go to the same plastic surgeon.
GYPSY thank you—i really wondered if anyone ever got that besides me..sort of creepy(head is too big)
Thou shalt keep holding that ugly gritty smile even whilst stirring a pot or cutting up food.
Thou shalt bend over to open an oven door whilst you are wearing a dangerously low cut top, and pretend not to notice that they are about to runneth over.
Thou shalt exclaim “just like that!” at least 15 times per episode.
I truly hate that one!
What about “Riiiiiight over the top?”
And what abut… “Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd”. I swear to god, her over use of such a simple word drives me to drink.
How many times an episode does she say “Theeeere we go”??!!!
Thou shalt use the word “just” gratuitously. As in “I’m putting the salmon in the oven JUST so it cooks. I’m plugging the mixer in JUST so it gets electricity. I’m breathing in and out JUST to sustain myself.”
Really??? Thanks for revealing the complexities of your every move and clearing up those eternal mysteries. Phew!!
Haha!
Thou shalt call thy food “Cute” and “Really pretty”.
Thou shalt mention how “yummy” thy food is even before thy friends mention how “yummy” thy food is.
Thou shalt reprimand thy mother for speaking Spanish during thy Italian food show. (This was I think during an episode with Giada’s mom and Aunt Raffy. Giada and her mom were cooking and G’s mom said something in Spanish. Giada was like “Mom, what are you doing??” Mom’s reply: “I’m speaking Spanish.”)
After saying “uh-mak-a-roh-neeee” and “Par-ma-ja-nah” and letting the world know that you are SO Italian… thou must slip at least once per episode and ease back into your NATURAL dialect before realizing it and snapping back into fake Itlaiano mode.
And thou MUST talk with your fork… waving it at the camera and pointing with it while you are chewing and savoring the crunchy, sweet, richness of your lemon zested herb crusted pan seared sea bass.
These comments are hysterical! Love it, saying exactly what I am thinking.
Thou shall make a big deal about attending a prestigious cooking school, but offer no details about ones time there leaving folks to wonder if all one really did was a simple weekend class if that.
Don’t get me wrong, Giada might just be the most ridiculous person on FN (well 2nd I suppose – nobody tops Guy), but let’s be honest and admit that she *can* actually cook and does appear to be truly culinarily educated. She’s lucky she’s hot though, because we all know that FN requires their women to either be hot or barely capable of creating an edible dish – so that those ‘home cooks’ will like it. Everyone knows that home cooks are only interested in mostly-pre-packaged garbage that cooks in under 15 minutes and only uses ingredients they recognize on sight and can pronounce… right? /sarcasm.
Sorry for the rant – the moral is that despite all of the hilariousness about Giada, at least I don’t feel like they’re completely insulting my intelligence on her show.
After seeing her on the Iron Chef show I started to question her culinary prowess! She spent almost the whole hour trying to make some ravioli I think it was. Meanwhile, in the rival kitchen R.R. was really keeping up nicely with Batali. I’m no R.R. fan but in that “battle” she kicked Giada’s ass.
Here, here.
Rachael kept up nicely with Batali because he did all the work. She made one pasta dish and then spent the rest of the time stirring his custard. I think he was just trying to keep her out of his way. Giada actually cooked some dishes on that show. There should have been a rematch without the other chefs and let those women fend for themselves.
Thou shalt always use the same descriptive words (peppery arugula, lemony thyme, etc..)
Excellent points!
Thou shall ensure that everything results in a crunchy crust.
Thou shalt always note the salty bite.
Thou shalt give everything a “quick stir.”
Thou shalt also give everything a “rough chop”.
Good one.
Indeed. Her pieces of “rough chop” parsley are bite-sized. They must not have taught mincing at her culinary school.
Thou shalt being each episode of Everyday Italian in a silky negligee atop an overstuffed couch.
I’m OK with that. And commandment 5.
/\ oops, I meant “begin.”
Thau shalt not boil water.
Thou shalt stop saying ‘We’ll just KINDA do this’ or ‘We’ll just KIDNA do that.’ If you’re doing it, YOU’RE DOING IT. No KINDA about it!
Emeril used to do that KINDA thing nonstop too!
Thous salt stop cooking everything to Todd’s specifications because “Todd likes it this way”
Has she yet adopted Emeril’s penchant for saying that he’s going to put something “inside the bowl?” As though putting something outside of the bowl would be productive? It’s as redundant as the way they all say “combine this together.” As though combining things separately is an option.
I HATE THAT TOO!!!!!!!! Tyler Florence ALWAYS “kinda does this” or “kinda does that” it drives me crazy!!!
And Tyler with the “boom” this and “boom” that. And everyting is “aaaaabsolutely claaaaaaaasic.” Sorry to get off point.
Or ‘absolutely amzing.’ Can everything be absolutely amazing?
thou shalt love the BEAUTIFUL “color combination” of every dish created…even if it is white pasta and red marinara…
This afternoon Giada had the “men” in her life over for a football party or someting on her show, and at the end, when they were all sampling her creations, her giggles were SO fake and forced to the point where I had to stop what I was doing and look at the TV in sheer amazment. Bonus: she was trying to play a simple, commoner’s game, football trivia, and because she’s anything BUT a simple commoner, she had no idea how to play it. I wanted to barf. Sorry, but I didn’t even detect a chicken wing within a twenty mile radius of her “football party”. WTF? Is she serious?
The potato skins looked absolutely disgusting. That cheese was Whiz colored.
Hell, I would have preferred Whiz. It’s a football party, and that can only mean one thing: junk food, not snob food.
My favorite episode of her show – serving up her seafood stew with red sauce while the guys hang out on the white furniture with no evidence of a game on a TV anywhere. Can’t fool us, Todd and his friends were setting up for a game of mah jong and then maybe a Desperate Housewives marathon from the DVR.
LOL Derek, I couldn’t have said it better. :)
Thou shall always serve an appetizer of bruuu- SKIT-Aaaaa topped with pro-SHOOT-oo
LOL!
I can’t continue to read this stuff, I won’t get anything done today, laughing so hard!!! thanks to all of you for truly brightening my day.
Thou shall please forgive me whilst I change the subject briefly. Does anyone know what ever happened to Oprah’s chef from the 80’s/90’s, Rosie, I think was her name. She helped the BIG O loose all that weight????
Ok, proceed with the 100 commandments! Hilarious!
Last I heard, Oprah’s former personal chef, Rosie Daley, had teamed with healthy-eating guru, Dr. Andrew Weil on a new heart-healthy cookbook.
Here you go:
http://gourmetclub.signonsandiego.com/oprah.html
http://www.encinitasmag.com/stories/rosie.html
Thanks you guys!!!
Am I the only one who cares to say that Jillian used the word ‘thy’ incorrectly, in that thy is the possessive form of ‘thou’ and thus doesn’t require the ’s?
Ha, I noticed that too… funny list, regardless.
Yeah, but I credit Jillian with the intelligence to know it too. Obviously part of the joke!
Yep. Your the only one.
Thou shall…..say “annnnd” before going onto the next step…
Thou shall grate a little fresh parmigiana on top of everything
Thou shall always make a snarky remark about her friends eating habits. “Oh, Tom, you took such a big bite” or “Susan, you’re really hungry, aren’t you?”. Bugs the crap out of me.
Thou shalt explain that she is adding sugar or honey to make something sweet. No?! Really??
As an add on to VII: Thou shalt no longer have Aunt Raffi on thine show as she is an aged harlot and a bitch besides.
Don’t forget!
Another adjective often used is “creamy”. Everything is CREAAAAAMY.
And crrrrrrrrispy and crrrrrrrrrunchy. Even the mushhhhhhhhhrooms and shhhhhhhhhrimp. Holy affectation and fakeness. No one really enunciates in that way. They do it on purpose.
Ugh! Yes! All the times she uses “crrrreamy”, “crrrrispy”, and “crrrunchy”, it drives me crrrrazy!!
When you say ’sugar,’ draw out the word just like this: SHHHHHugar. Make sure when you say it, draw out the word so that it makes your viewers cringe and hit the mute button. (at least that’s what I do…)
Commandment IV makes me want to vomit with rage every time she obeys it. I get that your family is Italian but you grew up in fucking California! ARRRRGHHH!
Thou shalt always make a transition with the word “NOW”. Thou must say NOW at least a dozenth timeth in a show.
The way she enunciates the sh sound, as in sugar, and shrimp, drives me crazy. It’s like she has a speech impediment. I think it’s a result of her horse sized veneer implants. And I’m talking about chompers here. And who knows what kind of teeth these people had before. Also, Chiarello has the same sh issue- may be it’s a FN California Italian thing.
LOL..TOO FUNNY.
Thou shalt always make up a ton of pasta and then serve thyself one measly little portion in a saucer and then only take one tiny bite. (She’s no Paula.)
Thou shalt always show more cleavage than Aunt Raffi.
Thou shalt always be at least slightly better looking than one’s friends who come over for a “girls night.”
Thou must declare the obvious, constantly. Today’s example? “These hazelnuts are so nutty!”
Wow Giada. Groundbreaking! No wonder my mom and I call her Giada Relentless. :)
thy’s? Perhaps ‘thine’, or am I crazy?
Just saw this AFTER writing my comment. You’re not crazy. I believe ‘thine’ is the correct form. Unless of course, I might be crazy too.
Looks like somebody needs to spend more time in Shakespeare or ye olde King James bible. ha.
Just kiddin around, Jillian *(:
Thou shall go on the ‘Today’ show for cooking segments and not cook but still make it all about your ‘wonderful’ self.
Loved this one. Could relate to seeing each and every one of the commandments…
But it is “thine” as much as it relates to “thou.” Right?
x
Thou shalt always act like you are being pleasured underneath the table whenever you guest on Best Thing I Ever Ate.
Thou shalt always bore thine guests by describing how to cook each dish.
Yesss!!! I can’t stand how dumb she makes us look. ‘Put the pot of water on the burner and crank the heat. When you have bubbles going mad on top, IT’S BOILING! YAY!’
nooooo, ina is the one obsessed with zesting everythinggggg.
by the way, giada is hotttt. so people who make fun of her are just jealous. i <3 her. ha
And people who use this argument are rocket scientists.
Thou shalt constantly use the adjectives crispy, creamy, and crunchy when describing a dish, and always overemphasize the “CR” sounds (even if the foods aren’t inherently crispy, creamy and/or crunchy).
Thou shalt always make really stupid comments like: “This onion is really making my eyes water. That means it’s really fresh!” Ugh… I’ve cut plenty of onions who were not at their freshest and they still made me cry…
Thou shalt always say “MY” when you talk about every recipe you make. Everything is “MY”… “My smoked salmon pizzette; My mustard baked salmon; My risotto; etc…
I have made a few of her recipes and they are very delicious however I’m not sure they are “her” recipes at all. She has admitted many times that ALL her prep work is done by someone else for her EI show. I’m sorry to say it but there is something just so extremely fake about her whole persona!
Thou shalt have an abnormally large head in proportion to the width of thine shoulders.
Thank you, I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought that she has a huge f’n head on such a tiny body. Her head has it’s own gravitational pull!
No joke. My friend came over the other day with her 2 year old son, Luke. My People magazine was on the table upsidedown and the ad for Giada’s heinous Target crap was the whole back cover. We were laughing at how huuuuuge her mouth is. Luke looked at it and started crying!!! I had to put it away to get him to stop. It scared the bejeezus out of him.
What about thou shalt have extreme close ups of my huge man hands if the camera man can get them in the frame with my gigantic forehead. Her hands remind me of that Seinfeld episode when Jerrys date grabs the bread out of the basket, and rips it up.
Amendment I: “Nutty” will be the preferred word when “juicy” is unavailable to describe grape tomatoes.
Giada is ridiculous-if she is from Italy why does she say Pasta wrong, the area of Italy called Capri-she says wrong, as with most other words with an italian flavor. If she went to and graduated from a culinary institute you can never tell as her recipes are ordinary, common sense recipes, nothing original or new. BBOOOOORRRIINNG
You guys are acting all proper and stuff. i’m gonna go ghetto style with it: Bitch, you need to quit acting like a good G*d Damned fool!
Anyone else notice that all of her ingredients are RIDICULOUSLY loud? Her salt… even her flippin’ flour?!
Folks, I love this woman. Everything about her is “perfect.” Sure her personality is different from most folks. But, that is what makes her exciting to watch and hopefully find a clone woman like her for myself.
Remember, Food Network shows are not about teaching you to cook or prepare food. That is only the “secondary” reason.
Television shows and networks are “ENTERTAINMENT.’ And the Prime Directive is to attract sponsors and make money. Cooking is secondary. Cooking is just the “THEME” for the network.
And, the network executives are always preparing new shows. They try them out on weekends and if they click they might displace one of the regulars on the daytime and evening schedule.
Be well and let’s stop knocking these beautiful women.
Yo, she is such a bitch to her poor Aunt Raffi. I don’t know if she thinks she’s being cute, but Raffi should clock her in the head with a giant “spagheetee” pot when she’s not looking.
I love the way she pours the oil into “the bottom of the pan.” OMG — I thought you were supposed to pour it into the top!
LOVE this site, btw and all of your comments!
please this is not humor—some of it was.. for the most part all i see is women jealous of another woman who is beautiful and successful–and whattaya know, its all women who are delivering the mean vindictive comments.. humor my ass. its all a disguise for your jealousy…….. i don’t see anybody dissing male or other “homely” women chefs–i wonder why. get over your insecurity. it is possible for a woman to be beautiful, smart, and know how to cook. i know thats hard to take in.. bitter bitches i tell ya, probably fat and ugly with no confidence………
please this is not humor—some of it was.. for the most part all i see is women jealous of another woman who is beautiful and successful–and whattaya know, its all women who are delivering the mean vindictive comments.. humor my ass. its all a disguise for your jealousy…….. i don’t see anybody dissing male or other “homely” women chefs–or displaying this type of “humor” to them–i wonder why. get over your insecurity. it is possible for a woman to be beautiful, smart, and know how to cook. i know thats hard to take in.. bitter bitches i tell ya, probably fat and ugly with no confidence………
Thou must always have the Pacific Ocean in full view through thine kitchen window during “Giada at Home”. Thou must remind everyone of your multi-million dollar home in Malibu with a beach as your backyard.
Haha this just sounds like a lot of jealous bitches trying to nitpick at a beautiful woman who can actually cook something NOT a tv dinner.
I mostly really like Giada, but I REALLY REALLY despise:
1) how she places every bowl and utensil down very very very carefully
2) how she ‘grabs’ this or that ingredient
3) how she stirs things – just barely smooshing stuff around with the tip of the spoon
urk
Thou shalt describe all wine as smelling like “fresh cut grass.”