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8 (More) Food Network SAT Questions
Published on: March 16, 2010 – 3:33 pm by Jillian Madison 
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1) Ina Garten has 582 items in her pantry. 426 of them are “good” items. What percentage of the ingredients are, in turn, total shit?
2) Food Network’s website has annoying pop-up ads. If you get 4 pop-ups per page, and you visit 3 pages each day for 2 days in a row, how many more days until you just say “screw it it” and start visiting Recipezaar instead? (*Bonus: It took you 14 pages to find the recipe you were looking for. How many pop-up ads did you get, and how slowly is your computer running?)
3) Brian Boitano waves his hands around in the air more than Bobby Flay, but less than Michael Chiarillo. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.
4) Charm City Cakes needs to build a 3′x5′x8′ replica of a car. If they need 1/2 pound of fondant per square foot, calculate which employee should build the cake so Duff can just keep sitting around doing nothing.
5) Rachael Ray has 63 recipes for stoup, 51 recipes for burgers, and 46 recipes for Grandpa’s “Sunday Gravy”. If she only has 151 total recipes, how many times will she have to say “yummo” or “delish” to make us forget that she has totally run out of ideas? (Written by Kathy)
6) The Neely’s are making breakfast for four people. They need 8 eggs, 10 pieces of bread and 12 sausage links. How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? (Written by Orchidgal)
7) Sara went to Target and bought a Giada de Laurentiis can opener for $14, a Giada de Laurentiis ladle for $15, and a Giada de Laurentiis coffee maker for $60. How many more dollars does Sara have to spend on Giada’s products before being labeled clinically insane?
8) Melisa d’Arabian ran out of frozen bacon, and needs to go to the store to get some. If she drives 40 mph, and the store is 20 minutes away, is Debbie Lee still Korean?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Food Network Loves Giada’s Boobs---Shocking Food Network/Rachael Ray Magazine Advertising Statistics
---Giada Redesigns Official Website; Answers Many Burning Questions
---8 Food Network SAT Questions
---Food Network Hits A New Low With Recycled Fast Food Recipes
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten porn, Giada's gone Chinese, a review of Giada's Parmesan Garlic Dipping Sauce, Paranormal Cake Challenge, Down Home with the Neelys and Gina's rude sister, NFNS recap, tons of listener mail, and more!
“…is Debbie Lee still Korean?” Does the sun rise in the East and set in the West?
Debbie Lee is Korean?!?
I don’t know, I think I still need to be reminded a few dozen more times…
She’s Korean.
OK…it’s starting to sink in a little…
1) 0%. Even though they aren’t Ina-level good, they each still cost more than my truck.
2) Just one :) Bonus: Over 9000, and the computer crashed.
3) Booby Flay = Boitano < ChiChi
4) The nasally-voice bitch so she can get maximum airtime and make me want to claw out my eyes.
5) I'm not sure, I've never been able to watch more than five minutes of the show.
6) As many times as she tells him that he's going to give her his brown sugar later (at least a dozen).
7) None, she's already gone batshit crazy.
8) No. D'Preggo doesn't have frozen bacon therefore we must be in some parallel universe, meaning Debbie Lee is now a thin Australian girl who prides herself on helping others and not being a total bitch.
LMFAO at the last one!
Number 3 is a trick question; the answer is Bobby Flay, Bobby Flay, and Bobby Flay.
Ha! Totally with you on that one.
#8 is yes, but the question fails to mention that Melissa still isn’t French. Or talented.
Oh hell, or necessary!
I’ve got a question.
Rachel’s propeller arms do 400 revolutions per minute during one of her intros. Given that velocity, the constant of gravity, and the fact she could stand to drop some weight, how many pounds does she need to lose to become airborne?
Love this one…
If Sandra Lee has 15 russapy’s for semi homemade meatloaf, 10 hideous spring time table scapes that look like the Easter Bunny hopped in & threw up, how many cocktails will it take till she hammered by dessert?
LOL
The Debbie Lee is Korean just never gets old. We’re going to have to do light bulb jokes next. Have we done “You know you’re watching Food Network when …” a la redneck jokes? Gotta love the classics!
Oooo, those are some great ideas, Lana!
I agree that no situation is too inappropriate to be reminded that Debbie is Korean. It goes with everything! What the hell was WITH her and her constant blabbering about being Korean AND from the south? Like it’s such a far-flung notion. I certainly wouldn’t have mistaken her for a member of the Swedish bikini team. It’s like how people who don’t watch TV can’t stop talking about how they don’t watch TV. Ever notice that?
#8 is by far my favorite!
soo funny!
#8 is pure win.
That’s money, dude! No, wait, we didn’t have a Guy Fairy question, did we?
The answer depends upon whether Melissa is driving a Hyundai or a Kia.
She drives me crazy!
Damn, my answers didn’t post…testing to see if this one does.
” How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? ”
And the answer is . . . TOO many !!
They’re so gross they’ve almost made me want to give up sex.
Almost.
di, you are so right about that.
I had to cut way back on my use of brown sugar, I kept thinking about the spice fairy every time I used it .
The #2 question, about the sheer awfulness that is the Food Network website, is so right on. Add in those video commercials they often have going on the right side (like the recent Van de Kamp’s one with the annoying little girl), which automatically load WITH audio and NO OPTION to stop them, and you’ve pretty much got an unusable website.
I HATE that Van de Kamp’s commercial!
Oh, Sh*t! I would have gotten 1600 on the SAT but forgot that Debbie was Korean. There goes Harvard.
OK CherryRose, I’ll give you a bonus question. Was Debbie MADE in Korea?
There weren’t “bonus” questions on the SAT when I took it. I don’t know if Debbie was MADE in Korea, but maybe she was a MAID in Korea. Do I earn bonus points for creativity?
Crisp!
I wonder how Debbie, the Korean, would do on an episode of Swamp Loggers.
I bet she’d do ok.
I,m not sure. She would probably oil the chain with soy sauce because, you know..she’s Korean.
I resent question #7.
Or regret? Hehehehe!
Resent. Hey, I might be insane, but I’m not STUPID.
I’ve got one. If Alton Brown stopped saying “Uh”, how short would his show be?
that’s a good one
Take the average number of times Emeril said “Bam” + the average number of times he’d say “it’s not rocket science, folks” and divide by the number of times he’d pull the knobs off the stove per show. Take that figure, and multiply by the number of times Aunt Sandy overemphasizes the letter “l” per show, divide that by the percentage of episodes in which Giada uses pancetta. The result is the number of days you need to go without watching the FN, just for detox purposes.
Multiply the number of dramatic foodgasms exhibited in any given episode of BEST THING I EVER ATE. Express your answer in scientific notation.
I don’t think powers of 10 go that high ….
Emesis Attack
if AB didn’t have cameras in his chill chest, microwave, floor, ceiling, windows, and cupboards would he know which camera to look into and would he consult Claire Robinson for advice?
9) How many orgasmic sounds would Giada make whilst attempting to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
10) Multiple Choice: Is Melissa D’Arabian just awful?
A) Definitely
B) Choose this answer to get the question wrong
11) Guy Fieri is preparing Slamma Jamma Parmigiana. After he’s finished and plates it, he tastes it. How many days does he spend throwing up?
*BONUS* How many ethnic groups does Guy Fieri offend with the names of his recipes?
Why do you keep hating on Brian Boitano? He’s a good chef! Is it because he’s gay
Whuh?!? If you think we’re “hating on” Brian Boitano, you clearly haven’t read very much of our site, whatever-your-name-is (since there is no name underneath your blank avatar). There is NO such thing as a sacred cow here at Food Network Humor: The whole point is to make fun of everyone and everything. If you don’t get that kind of humor, well, you might be better off moving along.
For the record, in his short time on the Food Network (and thus in his short time as a subject on Food Network Humor), the positive responses about Brian have far outweighed the negative, both here on the main site and in our forums. I’ve been on here a long time, and the only other FN host I could say that about is Alton Brown.
Also, there are TONS of gay members on our site (again, both on the main site and in the forums) who are gay. Some of our gay members like Brian; some of them don’t. You know, just like everybody else?
It might behoove you to read a bit more of the site before making rash statements like that.
As a gay man, I can officially say that gay people, in general, do NOT want or need hypersensitive ninnies coming to our rescue. It’s useless.
Thank you, Alex!
You’re welcome, Betty. Thank you. :)
Why do people wish to “remain anonymous” when they make comments such as those? Come out of the closet yourself, -.
As they say, if you can’t take the heat, get the hell outta the kitchen!!!
How many tons of citrus zest have Ina, Giada and RR have used so far?
a. 5 billion
b. 20 billion
c. 50 billion
d. Unknown but did you that the handy-dandy zester is their ALL time favorite kitchen implement?
I know I want one! And I don’t ever zest!
I bought one… just because they have one… haven’t used it since….
1) 26.804
2) Not very, if you’re using Firefox with AdBlock.
3,4) Insufficient data for meaningful answer.
5) 5 should sufficiently numb your brain.
6) 3.1415
7) Any amount > 0 qualifies.
8) Only in Tuschie’s frame of reference.
(yup, Ah is a nerd)
#2 is so true – I look for the recipes else where; Debbie being Korean will ALWAYS be funny – I wonder if she knows that we know she’s Korean?
Remember how on several occasions Debbie lied on the Next Food Network Star? What if…… she lied about being Korean???!!!??
Take one stupid idea for a FN “special.” Add in a chef that supposedly makes the best something. Put in an unlimited supply of chiles in all forms. Have an arrogant hack compete against said chef. Roll tape. What do you get?
A. A loss
B. A day trip for Bobby to Brooklyn for the best Rocky Mountain Oysters in the US, because somehow NYC has all the best of everything to save travel costs
C. Mispronunciation of chipotle
D. An ill-advised “reinterpretation” of a dish that no one wanted
E. 30 minutes of your life gone that you’ll never get back
F. All of the above
If Sandra Lee uses three cups of MARscapone, and Giada uses two cups of MAScarPOHNAY, how much cream cheese will Paula need to cover her Ladies’ Luncheon Ham Rolls, and how silly will Alex Guarnaschelli want to slap them?
The answer to number 8 is: “Pot de Creme”.
Merci! Bonjour!
I live in Memphis and ya’ll we don’t begin, end or stick ya’ll in most sentences like the Neeleys. Please don’t confuse their “for show” for real Southern.
Rub his meat? That’s real? I thought that was an urban legend. Gross.
Okay, I’m going to be the grammar police/noodge/stooge/narc/whatever you want to label me. I cannot believe how many times from however many posters on however many sites I see “The Neely’s.” That is so wrong, it’s starting to hurt my eyes!! We do not need the apostrophe! Unless I’ve missed some massive joke about this, which I could see possibly being the case, is it just awful of me to propose that we stop using the apostrophe? Thanks. I’m sorry I’m probably coming across as a jerk, because that’s SO not my intention.
Honey, don’t worry, we all have something that sticks in our craw, so go ahead and rant, it’s what we’re here for.
It bugs me too. It’s not that hard to use it properly. Crappy apostrophe use is right up there with signs that use quotation marks for no good reason. Especially construction businesses. Your slogan doesn’t need quotes, dingus. Putting “Integrity is top priority” quoted below Jim Bob’s Roofing Company doesn’t make me want to call you more.
Or how about the use of the word “alright” (which I don’t even think is a real word) when what you really mean to say is “all right” such as “we are all right after the car accident”. Just say “we are fine”, please!
Sara, Merriam-Webster has no issue with “alright” as opposed to “all right” in modern language. In common usage, it *does* serve the purpose of clarify that you are refering to the state of being fine/good. “All right” doesn’t necessarily have to mean that…
Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney, and Rush Limbaugh all get into a car accident, but the near-death experience doesn’t change their world-views… “We are all right after the car accident.” (Admittedly though, “right” in this context is really a slang term for conservative rather than a dictionary use of the word).
A family of four is in a car accident that sends the car spinning, propelling them to the passenger side of the vehicle… “We are all right after the car accident.” (See, because they’re on the right side).
Again, I’m aware that per the dictionary “alright” and “all right” are the exact same term and usage, but in modern usage the former can clearly only refer to one thing while the latter how options and is therefore less clear.
/rant
I forgot to add one more silly example (too much free time at work, obviously):
Three psychics are having an argument in a car on their way to the beach for vacation. The first says their trip will be exciting. The second thinks their trip will be frightening. The third is convinced they won’t even make it there and wonders why they’re even trying. Along the way, they get in a major accident and spend the rest of the week in the hospital. “We are all right after the car accident.”
Numb, you actually made me giggle out loud. Now THAT is funny stuff!
Let’s please not forget ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re’ … does this bug ANYONE else besides me?
“Your recipe is terrific! You’re going to have to give it to me!”
It’s not so hard, really!
Apparently, A LOT of people’s heads were elsewhere on apostrophe (possessives/contractions) day at school!
Ok, I’m done!
I was out sick on those days!
LOLing @ these and more than just a little red faced over #7. I saw a recipe on Everyday Italian today that I thought looked pretty good and fairly easy. Went out and bought the ingredients AND a mini muffin pan. Came home and went to work. The outcome? A runny, inedible mess. Spent 15 mins on the FN site trying to find the recipe only to note that they left out some pertinent information regarding the recipe on the show. Guess I’M the one who’s insane for thinking it might work. OY.
Diane, which recipe was it? I’m kind of curious to look it up now.
I love #8. Shamu is always good for a laugh or too.
#8 is the best! Yes Debbie Lee is still Korean! And here I thought I wasn’t good at math.
LMAO the last question killed me.
1. Paula Deen’s products.
2. Beat you to it. (bonus: Dzintra put 200 toothpicks through raspberries before I got my Alton Brown meat ice-cream.)
3. Guy Fieri!
4. Duff doesn’t care.
5. She doesn’t have to.
6. Is the camera rolling?
7. negative 45.
8. I’m still Korean! I’m still Korean! I’m still Korean! repeat every 5 seconds for best results.