Lists, Things We Hate »
What’s the most awful-to-sit-through thing on the Food Network right now? That’s easy! It’s the unfathomably obnoxious Ten Dollar Dinners promo with Melissa d’Arabian!
If you haven’t seen it (and I don’t even think that’s possible unless you’ve been in a coma), here’s some video. Roll that beautiful bean footage!
The first time I saw it, I cringed. The second time I saw it, I hit the mute button faster than Anthony Bourdain to a Chase Sapphire card. The third time I saw it, experienced severe light-headedness and tingling in all of my extremities. And now, every time I see it, I feel the uncontrollable need to clutch a sofa cushion and roll into the fetal position. It’s just that bad.
AND NOW, FNH PRESENTS:
THE TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING THINGS
ABOUT THE NEW TEN DOLLAR DINNERS PROMO
10. THE MUSIC. I like techno as much as the next girl, but come on. I thought I was watching the Food Network, not a scene of Brian Kinney getting blown in a nightclub bathroom on Queer As Folk.
9. “WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MANY TIPS I HAVE UP MY SLEEVE!” I don’t think those are “tips” she has up her sleeve. They’re probably just pieces of frozen bacon.
8. “THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.” Really? Now magicians are pulling burnt cassoulets out of pots instead of white rabbits out of hats? Who knew!
7. THE WAY SHE GASPS AT THE PLATE OF NORTH AFRICAN MEATBALLS. Calm down, honey. It’s a meatball, not a winning Powerball ticket. (But then again, I’d probably be gasping for breath if someone put those things in front of me, too.)
6. “WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU MYYYYYY SECRET!” Like how to effectively reduce birth pain with concentrated breathing techniques?
5. “I’LL PUT YOUR COOKING TALENTS ON THE MAP!” Dear God. That’s sooooo lame, it literally hurt to type it.
4. THE FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS. Are they trying to give us all a stroke?
3. THE SHOTS OF HER STUFFING HER FACE WITH HER RANK FOOD. No one needs to see that. No one.
2. “WELCOME TO MY WORLD.” Thanks, but I won’t be going anywhere near your world unless it’s with earplugs and a bottle of strong vodka.
1. THE HIDEOUS, TOOTH-REVEALING GIGGLE AT THE END. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, folks.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Today On Ten Dollar Dinners…
---FNH Review: $10 Dinners With Melissa D’Arabian
---Twitter Conversations: Melissa D’Arabian’s $10 Dinners
---Proof Melissa D’Arabians Dinners Don’t Cost Ten Dollars
---New Taglines For Ten Dollar Dinners