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Paula Deen Getting Her Own Line Of Serta Mattresses
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Why do I feel like I’m constantly writing about something else Paula Deen is putting her name on? Oh, wait. BECAUSE I AM. So glad we cleared that up.
Though this sounds like a headline at The Onion, sadly, it’s true: Serta will soon be rolling out a line of (sigh) PAULA DEEN MATTRESSES. Because if chefs know one thing, it’s how to get a recuperative sleep (???).
Roll the gag-worthy Paula Deen quote about the new partnership!
“You can definitely tell that these mattresses have been inspired by my life in the South and my home in Savannah, Ga.,” said Deen. “The collection is all about feeling good, comfortable and getting a good night’s sleep in one’s home. And just like my food, I send you comfort and love from my home to yours.”
That’s a lovely, carefully crafted quote and all, but I just have one question: how the hell can a mattress be inspired by the south? Is it filled with Mardi Gras beads? Is it peach-scented? Does the mattress take 7.4 seconds to say the word “OOOOOIIILLLLL”?
The line, which will cost between $799 and $1,499 for queen size, will be revealed this weekend at a furniture convention in Orlando. You hear that, Mickey Mouse? Run for your fucking life.
And hide your butter.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Paula Deen Getting Her Own (Wait For It…) FURNITURE LINE---Paula Deen Launching Designer Paper Products Line
---Paula Deen Named Grand Marshal Of 2011 Rose Parade
---Paula Deen Has Her Own Line Of Mac and Cheese
---Paula Deen FLOUR
- Paula Deen
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115 Responses
There will be a commercial featuring Pauler and boat captain Groover wakin’ up in the mornin’ after sleeping on one of the new Serta “Butter” collection mattresses. Cover your eyes…..
After reading her autobiography I would say she knows alot about the mattress.
oooooh, Bettyyyyy. [snicker]
Betty, I was thinking the same thing.
No shit, ol’ Paulers’ bed springs were like a slinky!
What. The. Fuck.
Scratch one company off the list the next time I’m in the mattress market. Serta, you’re run by retards.
A mattress endorsed by the estate of Terry Schiavo would make more fucking sense.
Scruffy: Oh, no you ditn’t (Terry Schiavo)!!! Hate to say, but I laughed!
I just choked on my lunch from Scruffy’s comment… lol.
Why Scruffy, are you implying someone should remove the ‘feeding tube’?
Lol, well done.
oh. my. god. Hats off to you for having the courage to post a comment worthy of monty python themselves. THIS is why I love this place so much. Thanks again for a sunday-night guffaw!!!
[...] Paula Deen Getting Her Own Line Of Serta Mattresses « Food Network … [...]
Wow…. Previously I had thought these “Paula Dean non-chef-related products” were a sign of the apocalypse…
After this one, I’m starting to think the apocalypse might actually be the only thing to save us from the Dean empire – I just hope it comes before we’re all driving Ford Taurus Paula Dean Editions, getting Paula Dean shakes at McDonalds, and breathing in Paula Dean Brand Organic Oxygen.
Agreed!!
Thanks, but I’ll pass on the “luv and best “dishes” ;) from my bed to yers” from Pauler Deen.
LMAO!
I’m holding out for the Pauler Deen Casket collection.
It’ll work out pretty good, considering the butter filled artery clogging recipes and the deadly infused oil advice she doles out.
The “Southern Comfort” collection: Rest in heavenly, gooey-butter peace.
Now I lay me down to die….
…..on an overpriced mattress here i lie
if i should croak before i wake
slather me in gooey butter cake….
Amen!
lostinplace…excellent poem!!!
Crisp!
This mattress will be stuffed with fluffy southern biscuits and leftover Smithfield ham. Mmmmm, mattressy.
I hope it has a wipe-clean cover. That butter can get messy.
I think Pauler’s marketing people should unveil a Paul Deen Edition crapper. It will have an extra wide bowl for her extra wide mudflaps with grab-handles on the sides for really grunting and pushing out some of that slop you made of hers last night.
Of course, there should also be a porta-model for those times you’re in your driveway, y’all, and just can’t make it indoors…and to round out the experience, grab a copy of her sons newest mag to use a toilet paper.
They’ll be so much butter in the slop you won’t need to push or hold onto anything. You’ll have Pauler Deen Natural Sliders to plop out.
‘straining and grunting’…….with all that butter, I really don’t think so…more like leaving a greasy streak on the way to the bathroom.
As a Southerner, this is an insult. But then again, Pauler and her entire family are an insult to the rest of us Southerners. We all don’t talk like her, cook like her, brag like her, and sign our lives away for the almight $$ like her. I sure won’t buy anything w/ Paula’s name on it.
Yep Byrdie, the pine box collection isn’t far behind.
was just on Serta website, couldn’t find news of this exciting announcement in mattress-land. however Pauler is joining none other than the Grand Master of Bad Hair himself Donald Trump in having a personalized line of mattresses.
Bad Hair, Bad Food and matresses…….huh???????? wrong, just so wrong.
That’s insane. It’s one thing for a chef to endorse food-related products or a sports figure to endorse athletic equipment, but what the heck is the relation between Deen or Trump and a freakin mattress? We ALL sleep; it’s not a special skill.
Hold. The. Phone.
There’s such a thing as a “furniture convention?” Really?
Paula – Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. It’s reached the level of the absurd, all the products you are whoring.
And nice attempt there, to tie in mattresses with food in your quote. (Not.)
I wonder if one of the selling points will be how well the springs of the mattresses hold up after months of vigorous, behemoth sex between Paula and The Captain.
Oh good lord.
Shouldn’t that be Good Lard?
touche
**snicker**
I am confident that whomever would buy a Pauler Deen mattress would need bigger than a queen size. Or is “queen” just a marketing term because she considers herself one?
Maybe the “queen” size is a reference to her son, Bobby.
That was great!
Ooh, forgot ask: When can I get these at Kohls?
So, in whatever repeat episode just aired on FN, Paula said she received one of those clip on hair pieces in the plain, and then exclaimed she was wearing a “dead squirrel” on the back of her head. Ohhh, Paula.
Bet she skinned it and fried it up in some ooooiiiiillll and butter and then clipped that critter right to her big ol’ head!!
Paula’s personal mattress must be a festering toxic mess, to be sure. Do you think they even bother to get up when they have to pee, or whatever?
Maybe she should develop her own line of southern-fried Depends.
I bet they grease each other up with butter and pork fat, on sex nights.
The thought of Pauler and the Captain doin’ the nasty is repulsive.
i need therapy now, after imagining Paula and the Captain doing it.
CherryRose, the thought of those two bangin’ organs…..
Organs? I thought Captain Butter-oo bought Pauler a grand piano? Ha-Ha!
All I can think of after this is the Kathy Griffin show that visited her and they NEVER pick up the dog turds thru out the house….and the critters sleep with them as well….eeeeeewwwwwwwww. AND for the comment about the lard, as having grown up in the south, and seeing pigs bred, they do slap lard under the tail of the female to ‘encourage’ the male to mount her….sorta makes you go ‘hmmmmmmmm’ now doesn’t it?
*sigh* Yuck….just YUCK!!
Oh. My. Stars!! Mattresses?!?! Enough with Pauler and her money-grubbing, hillbilly family. She’s already the queen of Walmart with crappy cookware, kitchenware (including baking sheets with Silpat-wannabe silicone pads), books, and baked goods, including her rip-off Gooey Butter Cake (her “signature dessert”). Just the thought of her and Captain Crunch rolling around on a mattress is enough to make me ill.
As a former St. Louisan, I’m especially outraged at her appropriation of the gooey butter cake as her own. She acts like she freakin’ invented butter. Shut up, already, you silly cow.
LMAO!!!
I’m with you Ferd, her appropriation of the gooey butter cakes makes me foam at the mouth and snarl obscenities.
If Pauler tries to claim pork steaks, Provel cheese or toasted ravioli next, I am personally going to kick her fat ass.
Gregg, can I watch? Please, please, pretty please
What’s next? Paula’s Last Tango In Paris Spreadable Butter? Somebody Clorox my brain. Please!
Maybe we’ll eventually learn that Ms. Pauler invented SEX; she takes credit for just about everything else. Except the Internet: Al Gore takes the (gooey-butter) cake for inventing that!
LOL! The Paula Deen/Penthouse Line of Marital Aids: coming to a Walmart near you.
“…COMING to a Walmart near you.”
My caps. LMAO!
I think I just threw up in my mouth…..
I just figured it out.
S outh ER nero T ic A
ewwww
My eyes! My eyes!
I was just wondering if the new Serta mattress is intended to be a “family bed”?
The images “family bed” conjures up are horrifying! I’d like to rescue LadyBird before it’s too late.
Methinks the Deen Bros have kind of a hinky (or kinky) relationship with Mama…
She also did a Fat Darrell sandwich on one of her shows and didn’t rightfully give credit to the Rutgers Grease Trucks. Anyone taken a look at her “Top 100″ recipes on the FN lately? How many recipes do you need for grilled chicken?!?! She’s such a poser.
Sorry–I meant to post this up with the other comments regarding Pauler’s food ripoffs.
What a greedy fat bitch. I hope she has a heart attack soon with all her buttery fattening filth!
Run for your fucking life.. and hide your butter. Oh my God. That is the best line EVER!!!!!!!! Thank you, Jillian!
To justify the cost of those mattresses, each purchase should include a defibrillator. I mean, you’ll need one after eating one of her dinners.
Maybe it’s a “vibrating” mattress like the ones that used to be in sleezebag motels (and, maybe, still are!): Deposit 25 cents for an invigorating “massage” ;)
It was probably tested by Savannah’s own three stooges.
Yes, but are they 100% F*cking Organic?
just wondering: are these mattresses edible? because if they are, I want to do the math to see how many sticks of butter it will take in that mattress to get a sudden heart attack just from touching it.
Guys, it’s not just mattresses. She’s also got her name on the bed that the mattress goes on. Apparently, she has a whole line of furniture. The “Steel Magnolia” bed? The “Savannah 4 poster bed”?
http://www.roomtoroom.net/listing.asp?cat=60
Will it ever end?
Pauler should concentrate on her “day job.” I went to the Food Network site to look up “Corned Beef” and found this so-called recipe from Pauler… the ingredients say a mouthful…
Easy Corned Beef and Cabbage
Ingredients
4 slices bacon
4 tablespoons butter
1 head green cabbage, coarsely chopped
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
1 can corned beef
I CAN corned beef!!!!! Really! She’s turning into Aunt Sandy! A word of advise Pauler, stop hawking stuff and get back to the kitchen.
As an Irish lass, I take offense to the use of canned corned beef. Who in the hell uses “canned” corned beef to make “Corned Beef and Cabbage”? Bleh.
Maybe it’s a Smithfield canned corned beef.
Touche, CherryRose!
Canned corned beef, ewwwwww.
unreal. she has sold herself to the devil and she doesnt care. ugh
The “family bed” commentary brought to mind a warm and fuzzy Sunday morning… Jamie and Bobby come squealing into the room in their onesie pajamas-with-feet and jump into bed with Paula and Captain.
I hope the new Serta mattress is made of cement.
And Captain Groover wears a nightshirt with matching nightcap, with a little puffy ball on the end of it.
And then Pauler will serve her vile “Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole” for brunch.
Meanwhile, Brooke and Lady Bird will just be sitting there wondering, “WTF?!”
Hilarious!
I personally don’t want my mattresses to be “inspired” by anything. If they have that level of sentience, I’m scared of them. I think I’ll just steer clear of Paula’s line, thank you very much.
I used to call her Pauler “Butter Y’all” Deen, now I guess I need to change that to Pauler “Sell Out Y’all” Deen.
No doubt specially designed for trailers.
[...] Sleep with Paula Deen: Serta will be rolling out a line of Paula Deen mattresses. [Food Network Humor] [...]
You know, the price really doesn’t seem that bad if you think about it. To be able to support the kind of weight Paula & the Captain bring to the bed, you’re probably going to need titanium reinforcement. And that ain’t cheap.
Mattresses? don’t get it, now butter on the other hand would make more sense and maybe name it “Everything’s Better With Butter Ya’ll”?..wait for it, people, wait for it!
Perhaps Pauler has more experience on her back than we give her credit for??? :-)
Paula Deen’s comment about the new mattress line when it was introduced on March 11:
“You can definitely tell that these mattresses have been inspired by my life in the South and my home in Savannah, Ga.,” said Deen. “The collection is all about feeling good, comfortable and getting a good night’s sleep in one’s home. And just like my food, I send you comfort and love from my home to yours.”
She is a disgusting pig. People that would buy products endorsed by her because they might seem prestgious are “end of bloodline” inbred lowclass losers.
Another opportunity for Pauler to stuff her mattress with all the cash that FN sheep will pay for anything endorsed by thier celebrities.
you kno what gets me mad. these big whig cooks think everyone can afford high prices. so stupid. STICK TO FOOD PAULA.
Now I’m wondering why she hasn’t come out with her own line of butter…
That to me should’ve been the first thing she slapped her name on.
Serta mattresses – Captain tested, Paula approved.
This would be the Wide Load line, right?
Just the thought of a mattress connected to Paula Deen in any way makes my skin crawl- I’d expect it to grunt like a pig or try so suck up whatever man may be sleeping next to me like a volcanic vacumn, while hearing “let me beat the meat’ like an endless loop in my head. I’d be out of that bed so fast looking for a rocket launcher to blow it into the next galaxy. Gross!
Is it gonna have a pillow top filled with little pockets of butter than will squirt at will because Lord knows the woman needs some extra lube these days. GROSS!
I think she uses Bobby’s Butter Flavored Butt Lube.
Hey, Yawl, Pawler, heah. I really think yawl should just slathah yohselves up with some extra buttah and hop right cheer on da’ bed with my big handsum manly captain, Michael, and ma’ suns. Over heah, Jamey! A little moh’ buttah behind Mama’s eahs. Bobby, go grab us some bacon, extra fatty, please. We uns is gonna have us a gooood ole’ time!
Okay, now I need to drench my brain with bleach to get rid of that image. I don’t even WANT to know what that family considers a “good ole’ time”!
Somewhere, the Serta Counting Sheep are crying :-(
Because they’re going to get eaten.
her line probably have options like additional support from all the weight gain from eating all the fried food and a built in defibrillator for the occasion butter induced heart attack.
Of course companies want her endorsement, but she doesn’t have to accept them ALL. How about some charity $$ Pauler?
[...] Deen teams up with Serta Mattresses – Hilarious post from Food Network Humor This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. I couldn’t catch my breath for [...]
It makes perfect sense. You get incredibly sleepy after eating her food.
That fat bitch is also making a crappy buffet restaurant at the Cherokee casino in NC. Part of a 633 MILLION dollar expansion. Im sure that fat bitch is making a NICE chunk of change while the Harrah Cheroke casino is lowering their payouts and sucking their patrons dry. You might as well just send that fat cunt a check in the mail!
Gee Jeff, you sound a little angry.