Published on: March 5, 2010 – 11:40 am by Jillian Madison 
FNH proudly presents:
THE INTERNET’S LARGEST FOOD NETWORK DRINKING GAME!
“One drink” means “one sip” of whatever beverage you’re drinking. This is a work of satire, so play responsibly and have fun!
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1 drink if Ina Garten is wearing her denim shirt. 2 drinks if she’s wearing her black shirt. Bonus drink if the collar is popped. |
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1 drink if Ina Garten is making food for a dinner party. 2 drinks if at least one of them is gay. 5 drinks if none of them are named Steven. |
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1 drink every time Ina asks a stupid rhetorical question (example: “How bad can that be?” or “How easy is that?”) |
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1 drink whenever Ina refers to any ingredient as “GOOD.” |
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Drink continually throughout each Ina Garten giggle session. |
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2 drinks every time Ina takes her Mercedes out for a spin. |
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1 drink if Ina uses a “secret ingredient” to bring out a recipe’s flavor. Bonus drink if she mentions “turning the volume up.” |
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3 drinks every time Ina mentions “chicken” and “Jeffrey” in the same sentence. |
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1 drink each time a song that sounds like the Weather Channel local forecast music comes on Barefoot Contessa. |
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1 drink whenever hydrangeas are used as a centerpiece. |
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1 drink if Ina “air kisses” a friend on both cheeks. |
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1 drink every time Giada does the claw hand movement next to her face (usually indicating “creamy” but sometimes “crunchy”). |
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1 drink whenever Giada pauses to smile at the camera out of nowhere. |
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2 drinks whenever Aunt Raffi shows up. 3 drinks if her cleavage is more visible than Giada’s. |
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1 drink for every lemon Giada zests. |
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1 drink every time Giada says “perfect!” |
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2 drinks every time Giada says “and thennnnnnnnn…” in that sing-songy voice. |
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1 drink whenever Giada over-enunciates an Italian word. |
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3 drinks if Giada’s husband Todd shows up looking bored out of his mind. |
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1 drink if there’s an up-close shot of Giada ripping open a clove of garlic. |
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1 drink every time Giada says something is “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.” |
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1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “flavorful.” 1 extra drink if she uses the word “delicious” in the same sentence.” |
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1 drink every time Sandra Lee takes a drink. |
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Drink continually while Sandra Lee adds “just a little vodka” to that cocktail. |
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1 drink every time Sandra Lee says, “and can I just tell you . . .” |
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1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “I can not WAIT for you to try this.” |
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2 drinks if Sandra’s shirt is the same color as her Kitchen-Aid stand mixer. |
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1 drink if you can spot an actual plate on one of Sandra’s tablescapes. |
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1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “super simple.” 2 drinks if she says the word “super” twice (”SUPER SUPER SIMPLE!”) |
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1 drink every time Sandra uses Cool Whip. 2 drinks if she adds extract or food coloring to it. |
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1 drink every time Sandra opens a seasoning packet and tells you it contains “all sorts of great flavors.” |
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4 drinks if Sandra’s making one of her No-Bake Love Cakes (or puts store-bought cupcakes or cookies on a store-bought cake). |
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1 drink if Guy’s sunglasses are on the back of his neck. |
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1 drink if Guy’s wearing flip-flops in a restaurant kitchen on DDD. |
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1 drink whenever Guy says, “look at those bad boys.” |
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1 drink every time Guy is “on the bus to flavor town.” |
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2 drinks if Guy claps his hands and points at the camera. |
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Finish your drink whenever Guy uses rhyming nonsense words (eg. “This sandwich is slamma-jamma!”). |
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1 drink if Guy’s wearing a black sweatband. 2 drinks if it looks dirty or unwashed. |
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1 drink if Guy is wearing a tacky bowling shirt. 2 drinks if it has flames drawn on it. |
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1 drink every time Rachael Ray says the word “sammies”. |
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1 drink every time Rachael says “EVOO.” 2 drinks if she then explains it stands for “extra virgin olive oil.” |
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3 drinks if Rachael mentions that she always “burns the bread.” |
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1 drink whenever Rachael tells you the meaning of “oregano” in Greek. Take a bonus drink if she, in the same episode, tells you that her “in-laws like the flavor of garlic, but don’t like pieces of garlic in their food.” |
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1 drink every time Rachael reminds you that “stoup” is thicker than soup, and thinner than stew. |
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1 drink whenever Rachael carries more than 6 things to her work counter. 2 drinks if she drops something along the way. |
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1 drink every time Rachael overfills a pot of water in the sink because she forgot about it. |
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1 drink whenever Rachael tells you to “get the pan screamin’ hot.” |
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1 drink if John Cusimano (Rachael’s husband) shows up looking unshowered. |
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Finish your drink if Rachael’s wearing a unitard tucked into a pair of mom jeans with a black belt. |
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1 drink every time Alton Brown makes a recipe you’ll never be able to replicate. |
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1 drink every time Alton says, “But that’s for another show…” |
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1 drink whenever Alton uses styrofoam balls to represent food at the molecular level. |
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1 drink whenever Alton is shot through his FRIDGE CAM. |
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2 drinks if one of Alton’s family members show up. |
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3 drinks if you see his Welch’s grape juice commercial. Finish your drink if you see it more than once in a half hour. |
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1 drink every time Paula Deen says “y’all”. |
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1 drink for each tablespoon of butter used by Paula Deen (that’s 8 drinks per stick of butter, y’all). |
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1 drink whenever Paula deep fries something. 2 drinks if she mentions she “just loves” her deep fryer. |
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1 drink if any dough, meat, or breading gets stuck to Paula’s rings. |
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3 drinks every time Paula Deen invites a woman on the show to try to fix up her son Bobby. |
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1 drink whenever Paula gropes a prop assistant during an episode of Paula’s Party. |
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1 drink if Michael Groover (Paula’s husband) shows up. 2 drinks if he gets food stuck in his beard. 3 drinks if he mumbles something incoherently. |
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3 drinks whenever Paula says the word PEE-kan (pecan). |
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Finish your drink if you see Paula in a Smithfield Ham commercial. |
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1 drink whenever Anne uses her annoying Kermit The Frog voice. |
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1 drink every time Anne adds a handful of salt to a dish. |
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1 drink if Anne’s red clogs are clearly visible. |
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3 drinks if Anne mentions “brown food.” |
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1 drink every time Anne screams, “OOO-KAY.” |
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Finish your drink if Anne’s wearing a pink skirt. |
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1 drink whenever the Neely’s make a sexual innuendo. 2 drinks if it involves “brown sugar” or Gina’s ceramic pig. |
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1 drink every time Alex Guarnaschelli makes that squinty-eyed, constipated face. |
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1 drink if Michael Chiarello’s throwing a polenta party. Finish your drink drink if you actually see his wife there. |
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1 drink whenever Marc Summers awkwardly pauses while talking. |
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1 drink whenever Melissa d’Arabian mentions France or frozen bacon. |
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1 drink every time Robin Miller wears a tracksuit to give the impression of having a “busy” lifestyle. |
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1 drink every time Claire Robinson says “AMAZING.” |
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1 drink whenever Scott Conant says he hates raw onions. |
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1 drink if Bobby Flay loses a throwdown (bonus drink if he’s insulted in the process by his competitor). |
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1 drink if Bobby Flay’s man boobs are visible through a tight shirt. |
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1 drink whenever Aida Mollenkamp looks into the wrong camera. |
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1 drink whenever Sunny Anderson mentions Viva paper towels. |
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1 drink every time Sunny Anderson mentions her “army brat” days. |
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1 drink every time an Ace Of Cakes employee talks in a monotone voice. |
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1 drink whenever Mary Alice’s hair or Duff Goldman’s goatee changes style and/or color mid-episode. |
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1 drink every time a Chopped chef violates health codes (bleeding into the food, reusing a tasting spoon, etc.). 2 drinks if the judges eat it anyway. |
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1 drink every time a host mentions “smell-o-vision.” |
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5 drinks if Kerry Vincent is *NOT* wearing that hideous headband. |
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1 drink whenever someone is talking with their mouth full. |
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1 drink whenever a host tells you to salt the pasta water because “that’s the only time you can season the pasta itself.” |
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2 drinks anytime you see an episode of a show that has already been repeated 20 times. |
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1 drink if the Iron Chef secret ingredient is something you’ve never heard of before in your life. |
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1 drink if someone uses the ice cream machine on Iron Chef. Bonus drink if the flavor is something obscure (like salmon). |
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1 drink whenever someone uses the phrase “depth of flavor” or “flavor profile.” |
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1 drink every time you see a commercial for “The Best Thing I Ever Ate.” |
(Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list! Did we miss something? Leave your new rules in the comments and we will update the post in the future.)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---
The Food Network Drinking Game: OPEN CALL FOR SUGGESTIONS---
The Private Chefs of Beverly Hills Drinking Game---
Food Network Chefs According To The Urban Dictionary---
Food Network Glamour Shots---
4th Of July Tips From Your Food Network Stars
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten porn, Giada's gone Chinese, a review of Giada's Parmesan Garlic Dipping Sauce, Paranormal Cake Challenge, Down Home with the Neelys and Gina's rude sister, NFNS recap, tons of listener mail, and more!
LOL wow, you guys are actually planning on doing this?
You betcha, Zach! You’re on the forums, check it out. ;-)
So many rules, so little liquor…time to go shopping!
No, no, no! You have obviously stacked the rules. No one could make it through a single episode, much less an entire “In the Kitchen” block. Alcohol poisoning anyone? Plus you could condense the Sandra Lee rules to just “take a drink every time she does” and “2 drinks every time she pulls something out of the oven that looks like shit on a baking sheet.” Blasted in 30 mins
ROFL!!!
I barely made it past the Ina Garten rules before realizing that this isn’t a drinking “game”, it’s alcohol-fueled suicide, plain and simple.
Who needs alcohol? I’m feeling tipsy from laughter! Lots of funny stuff – thanks everyone who contributed and to Jillian for consolidating our efforts. Cheers!
Take one drink any time a host has the food item already done.
Clearly some of my fellow commentors are not drinking game veterans.
1 drink doesnt necessarily (and really shouldnt) = 1 shot.
As referenced in certain rules- “finish your drink” indicates that indeed the other “1 drink/2 drink” are just sips or deep quaffs from your beverage- be it beer, a cocktail, whathaveyou. The basis of the game is based in the actual verb “drink”.
For the harider folks tho, Im using shots will make one hell of a night!
I just clarified that in the actual post. If we were taking shots for each of these occurrences, we’d all be in big trouble.
It’s satire, guys!
I still say even sips would get you into trouble! ;-)
OMG. I’m gonna be in the floor after 5-10 minutes of DDD.
I know I won’t be playing the Paula Deen drinking game! That would equal imminent death.
* STANDING OVATION *
great project, bookmarked FO SHO
LOL LMAO great stuff guys as usual
Five drinks any time a host inaccurately tells you to sear meat to seal in juices.
agreed, Alton did a show on that, he proved it doesn’t seal in juices! haha
Those were great!!
Your avatar freaks me out every time I see it! Revolting, yet oddly funny…
I’m gonna buy some stock in Budweiser, Jack Daniels and every vodka company in the world….I’m gonna be rich! Ina alone would be a couple of bottles of ‘good’ scotch….
Guess I’d better either
A – turn off the TV, or
B – hook up an alcohol IV
Awesomeness!
wow, that was brilliant. The Robin Miller one just killed me!
Great, great stuff. :) Congrats to all who contributed to this.
“1 drink every time Alex Guarnaschelli makes that squinty-eyed, constipated face.”
One episode of Chopped and I’d be passed out on the floor, with a monumental hangover the next morning.
You know we’re actually gonna do this over in the forums. Cheers, everyone! ;-)
I’ve watched 2 minutes of Ina (more than I’ve ever watched before) and I’m up to 4 drinks already!
I would be long dead by the time I got through seeing any of Flay’s shows and Alton’s Good Eats. These are absolutely hilarious!
My brother and I did this about five years ago. This is how I blogged it back then:
“So while he was here, we played a little game. A little drinking game. We both watch Food Network. I had mentioned to him a while back that Giada DeLaurentis drives me crazy with her enunciation. Like? how she never modulates her voice? at the end of a sentence? everything is smooth? and creamy? and perfectly al dente? and you put some olive oil? into a pan? and that will get the sausage browning nicely? And do you know what? He took a slug? of beer? for every? non-ending sentence? and finished the beer? even before the first commercial break? at about an ounce a slug? that was 12? in less than three minutes?”
LOL!
We’re all fucked when it comes to Guy Ferry, there’ll hardly be time to refill my glass, or even catch a breath!
Perhaps an IV drip or just put my mouth under the tapper.
Great stuff!
Point of Clarification:
2 drinks if one of Alton’s family members show up.
Are those his REAL family members (mom, grandma, wife, daughter), or his TV family members?
That was his real grandma, and the little blond girl is his daughter, all the rest are actors. In fact the woman who plays his sister showed up on a Pepto Bismol ad playing a mother driving a car.
My favorite family member is BA, Alton’s evil twin.
Wish we’d see more of him. Wonder if he lost 50 lbs. like his brother ;)
1 drink every time T-Flo says something’s flavor is “off the charts!!!!!”
You missed all of the Tyler Florence stuff!
“All right” (seriously, he says “All right” twenty times an episode under his breath)
“light as a cloud”
“Boom”
Add: “Amazing!”
And “beautiful”
And “add some olive oil, just to make it nice and rich”
I know what I’m doing this weekend! :D
this game got me drunk after just five minutes *burp*
Holy cow! I’ll never be sober again for the rest of my life. Nicely done, as usual, Jillian!
Julia would have been an ace at this one!!!
Let’s steal one from Bravo:
Drink every time someone says: I didn’t come here to make friends.
“Finish your drink whenever Guy uses rhyming nonsense words (eg. “This sandwich is slamma-jamma!”).”
OMG my suggestion became official, verbatim even! I feel so honored!
forgot about “off the hook” though!
Also, I’m sure it goes without saying, but please make sure you’re using the GOOD hooch when playing the Ina game.
Also, take a swig everytime Ina uses BUTTER or CREAM in one of her recipes. How is it that she doesn’t have clogged arteries?
“How is it that she doesn’t have clogged arteries?”
Unless you’re Ina’s physician, how do you know that she doesn’t have butter/cream/cheese-clogged arteries? Mazel Tov!
Chopped: – 1 drink anytime a contestant serves undercooked meat unintentionally. 2 drinks if they say that can’t serve it, but do anyway.
- Finish your drink if a contestant forgets/doesn’t use an ingredient.
Food Network: – 1 drink for every chocolate or cleaning commercial they play.
- 1 drink every time they have an ad for another show in the corner of a show. 2 if it includes a picture of Guy Fieri.
Paula Deen: – 1 drink if Paula makes a salad that is not remotely like a salad. 2 drinks if she puts whipped cream on top of it.
1 drink when a 5 to 10 year old show that was canceled a long time ago shows up after 3 am or before 9 am because FN is still contractually obligated to broadcast it.
And why do I get the feeling a show that old would be better than most of what they run as new shows today? But, I can’t say for sure, as I haven’t had cable that long.
They were much better, which is why they were canceled because they were educational, as opposed to entertaining the populace into ignorance and sloth
Been reading for awhile, decided to finally post… Take one drink everytime Guy says what the “kicker” is in a dish on DD&D.
The only place you can play this game is inside a liquor superstore….the only place with enough liquor to supply this game for more than one hour.
I would think the only place would be inside of a hospital…that way you’re close to the iron liver and kidneys!
Take one drink when Gina Neely decides to reminisce about “back in the day” with Pat and whatever threesomes she had with his brothers.
If we all followed those drinking rules, most of us would need to check into rehab within a month, or less. Too easy.
You need a drink for “low and slow” it seems to be the favorite of all the chefs now
(Food Network Humor Rule)
10 Drinks every time Jillian insults Guy Fieri (LOL)
Ok Jillian, tell the truth now, you work for the liquor industry, right?!? ;-p
Tyler Florence: “it smells fantastic” “looks fantastic” “fantastic”
basically, every time he says fantastic. be wasted in no time!
Awesome list. I felt like there could be more Anne Burrell stuff though. Here’s my list for her:
1 drink every time she says “good things are happening” to the food
1 drink every time she says “alright, let’s talk about ___”
2 drinks every time she does an awkward dance
yeah and “shooting match”!!! today there was a “shooting match” in the onion soup pot and one in the “pickled peppers” and one somewhere else … can’t remember but it was, but there were at least three “shooting matches” at Anne k Corral i mean anne burrell and i tuned in halfway thru the show…
Or “Thank you for coming”
How could you have missed “That’s MONEY!” for Guy Fieri? Seriously, has anyone ever heard that word used that way before?
And Gina Neeley playing the “spice fairy”?
And do Paula’s family members (including the dogs) get paid if they appear in an episode?
1 drink whenever Alton “brings something to the party;” 2 drinks if it turns out to be “golden brown and delicious.”
For Giada you forgot to say, “Take a drink every time she says something is ’so pretty’, as in, ‘I love it! Isn’t it pretty?’”
1 drink every time Alton Brown uses kosher salt.
Or parchment paper!
“1 drink if the Iron Chef secret ingredient is something you’ve never heard of before in your life” – I think this should be for Chopped as well.
Scott mentioning he hates raw onions – lol. He does mention it a lot!
Bonus drink if the judges have never heard of the ingrediant either (like violet mustard)
Can ANYONE tell me why you would want to watch a bad cook get worse ????? I got drunk just looking at these people. Please spare us this disaster show or I could end up in AA
Ha. My friend and I watch Barefoot Contessa and Down Home with the Neely’s every day. A few months ago we made a drinking game out of those two shows alone, so naturally I was excited when I saw this!
Here are a few of ours:
- Take 1 drink for every time the Neely’s add Cayenne pepper to a dish. Take two if Gina sings it.
- Take 2 drinks every time Gina busts out the SPICE FAIRY.
- Take 2 for every time Gina cheers like a freaking cheerleader.
- Take 1 drink every time Pat does his creepy old man laugh.
- Take 1 drink every time Pat and Gina give marriage advice.
- Take 1 drink every time Ina Garten uses a 1 teaspoon salt to 1/2 teaspoon pepper ratio.
I have a few more rules to add for the Neely’s
1 drink for anytime their daughter’s Shelbi and Spencer appear
2 drinks if they look em-brassed as hell to be there.
1 drink if Pat’s man boobs are showing through those too tight shirts he wears.
1 drink when they “remix” an “old school” recipe of their family members.
OK, I’ve just made my reservations for rehab. Spring break and this game…here we go!!!
I guess if I watch FN, I will be as screwed up as Ke$ha on her song Tick Tok!!
I have to throw one in for every time Sandra Lee over enunciates her Ls.
“Let’s grab some llllllllemons and some lllllllimes.”
Ina: Drink when she mentions that arugula is “peppery”.
Take a drink everytime Sandra Lee misenunciates:
Take the casserole OUT OF the oven. Pour the vodka INTO the glass. Put the booze ONTO the couter.
1 drink for every time Marc Summers makes a horrible pun.
Funny stuff.
I tip my glass whenever Rachel Ray informs me that:
-She ALWAYS keeps ______ on-hand (fill in the blank with ANY food-spice-condiment-random-ingredient).
-Features burgers
And whenever she says
-”MMM-mmm-MMM-MMM-mmm!”
-”Yumm-o!”
So my boyfriend and I decided to try this out last night (yeah, a Tuesday). We don’t have cable, so we streamed FN from the interwebs. First thing on was Everyday Italian where Giada was making SPA-GIT-HE,and BRU-SKET-AH. She also opened a garlic and the camera zoomed in. I was really hoping she would do the claw thing, but she didn’t. We also watched 1 recipe of Paula Dean who used a CUP of butter. 4- 40oz malt liquors and 2 margaritas later (between the two of us, I should clarify), my boyfriend is having a rough day at work.
One drink every time sandra lee ‘pops’ something: pop this in the oven, pop those in the mixer, pop it in the bowl/on the plate, etc. You’ll be trashed by the end of the first russipe!
I think Ina drives a BMW and not a Mercedes….Do I get to have a drink for knowing that?
Chug a beer if Robert Irvine makes a fart-smell face at some stupid request.
Slam a shot whenever Bobby Flay decides to go “Asian”.
Chug a beer than slam a shot whenever a throwdown contestant talks smack in a white-bread sort of suburban weeny way.
Chug a beer, slam a shot and snort a line of detergent whenever Guy takes a bite of something then shuts his yapper.
Chug a beer, take a hit of acid, slam a shot and do more coke if you see Mario Batali perspiring profusely and on the verge of a anudder heart attack.
Chug a beer, take a bong hit and eat some shrooms if you hear an Iron Chef judge say they can’t taste enough of the secret ingredient of the dish, even if the secret ingredient is paper towels and it’s dessert they are eating (Keyshawn Johnson).
My hubby and I played one during DDD one night. Take a drink every time Guy says “That’s money!” We were wasted by the second commercial break!
Where was this game during last season’s “Next Food Network Star”?
One drink every time Debbie Lee reminds you that she is Korean.
I really think this is the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Got the Food Network on right now, I just need my drink of choice :P
My best friend and I played the Ina drinking game and we wore black and denim shirts with the collars popped. We could barely keep up with The game and our fake champagne!
One drink whenever Alton plays a character with a ridiculous accent.
Two drinks if a Food Network Challenge features some sort of outdoor meat cooking competition.
LOL..OMG I was trashed in the first 10 min of Ina barefoot contessa episode
The only person who could win this hilarious drinking game would be Sandra Lee, of course.
I am playing Ina Garden, added 1 drink per fabulous. 1 1/2 deep. (It’s the music!)
OK, How about in the general area every time a food network “personality” grossly abuses or missuses the word caramelized or caramelization.
Really, I have grown to despise the word caramelized and created my own Pee Wee Herman Word of the Day sort of response to it. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
some more rules for anne burrell!
1 drink every time she says something is beautiful, or can be used beautifully.
1 drink every time she says “shootin’ match!”