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Top Chef: Bastards (Part I)
Published on: March 4, 2010 – 9:05 am by Jillian Madison 
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[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]
Cue theme music! Roll opening credits! It’s Top Chef Bastards: Part I!
Starring:
Welcome to the first episode of Top Chef Bastards, a competition in which any loser with a television show on the Food Network can demonstrate to the world that he or she really can cook – or not – while competing for a cash donation to the charity of their choice, plus a lifetime supply of GLAD® Force-Flex® and OdorShield® Trash Bags in the yummy “Fresh Vanilla” scent.
This week, four competitors meet in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen: Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri, Sandra Lee, and Rocco DiSpirito.
Guy is one excited dude, ready to slather hot sauce on everything in sight.
Rocco, on the other hand, isn’t exactly thrilled. He thought he’d at least be competing against actual chef-type people like Tyler Florence or Bobby Flay.
Rather than dwell on the fact that he’s facing a bunch of current Food Network schlubs, Rocco decides he actually has an advantage. Because he’s facing a bunch of current Food Network schlubs.
And what’s a reality show without some pure evil to liven things up?
Rocco suddenly remembers that Bourdain doesn’t even see him as a chef anymore. Damn! He might have to dance his way out of this competition. Or not.
Whatevs. On to the always exciting…
The dish must be gum-able, and does not need to have any discernible flavor. Additionally, each dish must utilize one of the following ingredients, plus any other pantry items except salt: prunes, apple sauce, Jell-O, graham crackers, boneless skinless chicken breast, and toast.
The knife block makes an appearance and the chefs draw to determine who chooses what.
After Guy picks the prunes, Sandra Lee chooses the Jell-O and finally Rachael goes for the graham crackers. The time is set for 20 minutes and the cheftestants cooktestants competitors get started.
The contestants stumble around dazed for a few minutes, wondering how to put together a dish without a script or a teleprompter. Before they know it….Time’s up! Utensils down! And poor Bourdain must ingest the fruits of their labor.
Not surprisingly, the dish with the highest alcohol content is the one Bourdain likes best.
That’s right: get ‘em drunk so they couldn’t care less about what they stick in their mouths.
As winner of the Short Cut Challenge, Sandy gets an advantage in the next challenge. Or does she?
Coming Soon: Part II – Painful Eliminations of the Day. STAY TUNED!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Top Chef: Bastards (Part II)---Ironic Celebrity Chef Garbage Pail Kids
---Sandra Lee Tells Anthony Bourdain To “Have Cocktail And Lighten Up”
---Anthony Bourdain Wants To Get Drunk With Rachael Ray
---Congratulations, ANDREW Bourdain
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten porn, Giada's gone Chinese, a review of Giada's Parmesan Garlic Dipping Sauce, Paranormal Cake Challenge, Down Home with the Neelys and Gina's rude sister, NFNS recap, tons of listener mail, and more!
Amazing. This made my morning.
LMAO, that started my morning off good. I would have chosen the jello shots too.
*Snickering* at Guy’s restaurant “Tommy Douchebag’s” and his dish “Spicearooni Ass Kicking Prunes”!
Me too! And Aunt Sandy’s assumption about her skills with taco seasoning mix and ranch dressing!
Waiting for the next episode!
pure genius. ♥♥♥
It is pretty disturbing to see Rachael and Sandra in white chef’s coats.
This is hilarious, someone really put a lot of work into it. Looking forward to the next episode!
This is funnie! Yep, I’d have to go with the jello shots! If they ever set up!
That last pic of Aunt (hic burp) Toddy does not even look like her!
Thank you Jillian, this made my morning.
Haha pretty funny! One thing though, shortcut challenges are for Shear Genius; Top Chef has quick fire challenges :3
ho ho ho
Who is that other guy in the picture between Rocco and Douche Fietti?
Brian Boitano!
Oh.My.God. Sheer brilliance.
Thank you for making my day!
this is one of the best posts you have ever made.
**ROUND OF APPLAUSE**
terrific
Hehe Guy pwns Rocco.
Sandy and Tony make nice with each other, sort of.
Can’t wait for next installment . . .
LMAO! GREAT READ. CAN’T WAIT FOR PART II
A masterpiece!!
Spicerooni ass-kicking prunes made me laugh in my cubicle. Loudly!
“Now I have to go find Mr. Bourdain a stomach pump!”.
Ha ha ha ha!
Jillian! Awesome!
Ha! Norsh – you are absolutely right! I was wondering why “short cut” challenge seemed odd to me, but I’m pretty sure I got the graphics for it off of a Top Chef Masters video.
Glad you are all enjoying my post – please visit my site, http://minxeats.com! If you check the archives, you’ll see I’ve done similar recaps for the past several seasons of Top Chef.
Kathy, it’s really brilliant stuff. I posted about it in the forums; glad to see it’s here on the front page. Keep at it, girl!
Love it!
Sandra Lee: Where’s the bar?
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
That was, to quote Ina, GOOD.
Hilarious and brilliant! Can’t wait for the next one! :)
I hope in the next episode someone knifes Rocco.
This is great. What an imagination the creator has. Looking forward to episode 2
Btavo, Jillian!!!
Lol.. Guy Fieri looks like his head is attached to a woman’s body!!
Tears…rolling…down…face. Stomach…hurts…from…laughing.
Pure and utter brilliance!
Minx eats is amazing. Just amazing. Her Top Chef recaps? GENEIUS!!!!!
This was truly awesome!
Thanks for making my Friday!
OMG!!! I laughed so hard I’m in tears. This was hysterical. Keep it up.
Two words…sheer genius!
We love this like Anthony Bourdain loves unfiltered Marlboros.
This kills
Painful Eliminations of the Day!!!! Where did you go, Kenny Blankenship??!!??
Although frankly this show even as you’ve laid it out would be better than Chef Academy. Hope somebody from Bravo is reading this.
I laughed until I cried. Dude, this was great!
Sheer brilliance!! More! More!