[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Welcome back to Top Chef Bastards! Today, three contestants get to pack their can openers and head back to New York’s Chelsea Market…wait…except for Rocco DiSpirito, who can go back to skulking down 22nd Street, cursing the day he met his good buddy mortal enemy former financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, opened a Restaurant together, and sealed his fate as whipping boy to foodies the world over, including this week’s guest judge, Anthony Bourdain. And of course, theminx.

After Sandra Lee pulls a surprising win in the Quickfire Challenge, the competitors realize they have to bring their “A-Game.” Even Guy leaves the flaming bowling shirt at home and breaks out the chef’s whites.

Host Kelly Choi, badly in need of a cheeseburger or three, joins the competitors in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen and presents their next challenge.

Each of the four competitors gets fifteen minutes to plan their meal with a budget of $25, after which time they are sent off to the Wal-Mart to shop. They are also allowed to use any ingredients they find in the Swanson Quaker Oats Alexia Crunchy Snacks Chef Boy-R-Dee Product Placement Pantry. Except, of course, for anything produced by Alexia Crunchy Snacks or Chef Boy-R-Dee.

For winning the Quickfire Challenge, Sandra is awarded an advantage in this challenge: an additional $15 in spending money. Which will come in handy while picking up a little post-prandial something-something at the liquor store.

Forced to use fresh foods, Sandra is stumped. Meanwhile, Rocco has decided to go low-cal, in keeping with his new cookbook, Stuff You Can’t Possibly Want to Eat.

Maybe you can use those eggplants in a Tablescape, Sandy.

Back at the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen, the chefs scramble to assemble their meals in the allotted one hour time frame.

Eureka! Aunt Sandy gets inspired.

Looks like Rachael Ray found her garbage bowl.

In 59:59, Kelly Choi enters the kitchen with today’s judges: the funny-hat-wearing Gael Greene, the still-cranky Anthony Bourdain, and the boobaceous Gail Simmons. Hands up! Knives Down!

(Oh, heh. That looks like Bourdain is stealing a glance at Gail’s breasteses, doesn’t it? Unintentional happy accident there.)

Time to adjourn to the Top Chef Bastards Ikea Room Store Crate & Barrel Product Placement Dining Room, hurriedly constructed in the parking lot of the Hollywood YWCA, to chow down on the competitors’ offerings.

The incessantly perky Rachael Ray is up first.

“For my starter, I made a yummerific BLT Salad, smothered with chopped bacon – because I’m all about the bacon – and drenched with home-made balsamic Dijon vinaigrette with lots of EVOO…”

“My entrée is a delish Grilled Fish Sammie served with awesome waffle fries. How great is that?”

“To finish this delish meal, because I’m all about the dessert, we have healthful fresh berries with freshly whipped cream. Yum-o!”

Next up is Guy Fieri, replacing Rachael’s saccarine with a touch o’ douchebag.

“For my appetizer, I’m driving the bus to flavor town with my Good Karma Schwarma. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!”

“For my main dish, I made my off-the-hook Mac-Daddy Mac & Cheese. Oh, that’s money.”

“Finally, my Shock-o-lit Habanero Mousse. This’ll put some hair on your chest! Awesome!”

A much more subdued person in the form of Rocco DiSpirito presents the next three courses.

“For our appetizer, I’ve prepared my low-calorie yet still awesome New England Clam Chowder with cauliflower and skim milk. You’re going to love it, and it has less than 300 calories per serving.”

“For your entrée, I made Flash-Fried Finger-Lickin’ Chicken. Only 200 calories per serving!”

“Finally, for dessert, these are my Low-Cal Brownies – only 53 calories and I bet you’ll never guess what the secret ingredient is!”

Finally, Sandra Lee presents her dishes.

“For the appetizer, my delicious Porch Swing Iced Tea…”

“…followed by my entrée, mugs of delicious Spicy Red Beer…”

“…and for dessert, my delicious Mango Margarita.”

After all courses are served, the competitors are sent to the men’s locker room Glad Family of Products Stew and Booze room to get stinking drunk on leftover iced tea while the judges discuss the horror they just witnessed.

Finally, the four competitors are brought in front of the judges to meet their fates. Although it worked for her in the Quickfire, Sandra’s excessive use of booze may have backfired on her.

Rachael Ray was disqualified because her overly-perky yet grating personality caused each of the judges to vomit.

Rocco didn’t wow the judges with his bland diet food. Who puts cauliflower in New England Clam Chowder?

Guy Fieri, despite his obnoxious over-use of catch phrases and hair gel, impressed the judges with the amount of flavor he packed into his dishes.

Looks like Guy will be competing in the finale! That’s definitely crazy!

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