…and for the record, I used those stupid “quotations” in the “title” in honor of all the “chefs” who kept “flashing air quotes” on the “show.”

I wanted to like Private Chefs of Beverly Hills. Really. I did. It combines two of my favorite guilty pleasures: reality television and food. But after the first 4 minutes of the show, I found myself wanting to blow up my tv and turn into an anorexic. Sadly, it was just that bad.

Private Chefs follows the totally fake culinary misadventures of a team of actors caterers as they deal with their quirky, demanding Beverly Hills clients. The premise: pretty rich people call Big City Chefs to cater an event, and then pretty chefs show up and cook food that the pretty rich people complain about. Fun for all!

On the premiere episode, the chefs had to cater three ridiculous events for three annoying clients. Brooke Peterson and Stuart O’Keeffe catered a Botox party, Sasha Perl-Raver and Brian Hill did a glamping (glamorous camping) event, and Manouschka Guerrier and Jesse Brune catered a meet and greet for pampered dogs and their owners. And of course, each team had an obnoxious, demanding client to deal with. Because, you know, everyone is Beverly Hills is a prick. (Sorry, Jim Walsh. That unfortunately means you, too.)

If you found yourself wondering why some of the events came off as scripted or fake, IT’S BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY WERE. Eric Greenspan, one of the clients during the camping segment, got a soliciting email from a Food Network producer, asking him if he wanted to join other executives for a catered camping trip. It was not a group of friends out enjoying nature as the show suggested. And remember the campfire that Sasha and Brian cooked on? Turns out, Eric started it.

And that was just the tip of the iceberg of the show’s manufactured drama. Each story line literally came off as stupider, more fake, and more uninteresting than the last. Even worse, it’s like you could almost see the producers sitting around a round table, brainstorming ideas on how to make the chefs struggle.

BROOKE & PATRICK’S CONTRIVED STORY LINE
Brooke & Patrick catered a Botox party for a bunch of women obsessed with plastic surgery. The client didn’t like their trio of soup appetizers, which left them scrambling at the last minute to come up with another dish. And even craaaaazier, the client asked the chefs to give each dish a stupid spa name, like “whispering wave tuna bites.” AND, just when you thought they had already squeezed every last bit of manufactured drama out of the segment, the client told Brooke she could “use a little Botox” on her forehead.

For the record, Brooke, we think your forehead looks just fine.

JESSE & MANOUSCHKA’S CONTRIVED STORY LINE
Jesse & Manouschka cooked for a bunch of pampered dogs and their owners. To kick things off, Jesse wanted to let us all know how WILD AND CRAZY he is, so he (gasp!) took a nibble of a dog treat! Shock and awe, people. Shock and awe!

The menu had already been finalized, but in the 11th hour, wouldn’t you know it? The wacko client told them they’d have to make individualized dishes catered to each guest’s specific needs, complete with a bunch of ingredients they didn’t have! Oh, the drama!

The “only funny line of the night” award went to Manouschka, who said, “I’m not Burger King. They can’t have it their way.” Coincidentally, she also gets the award for the “most difficult to spell name.”

Of course, in the end, just like an episode of The Brady Bunch, the two improvised their way through it all and the event was a success. And Jesse didn’t die from eating the dog treat, which I guess is a good thing.

BRIAN AND SASHA’S CONTRIVED STORY LINE
Brian and Sasha catered the aforementioned glamorous camping (a.k.a. “GLAMPING”) event for a bunch of rich white guys who may – or may not – have Ina Garten on their speed dial. Just like in that difficult episode of Top Chef last season, they had to cook over a camp fire.  And just like in Top Chef, they couldn’t get the fire lit let alone control the temperature once it got going.

But wait! There’s more! They also had to deal with a hovering chef who wanted to micromanage their every move! Three cheers for an original plot twist! (sarcasm alert)

Yes, the clients were all incredibly demanding, but the private chefs were nice to them and at the end of the day, ultimately gave them all what they wanted. They then proceeded to talk shit about them behind their backs in their one-on-one interviews with the cameras. Now that’s good business! The bad news is, if any of the clients were actually real, they might not ever use Big City Chefs again. The good news is, I think about 25 people watched this show, so the damage might not be too bad.

Are these “private chefs” even chefs? Or are they just actors with a tiny bit of cooking experience? Jesse Brune was on the Bravo show Work Out and supposedly just graduated from culinary school in ’06. Manouschka Guerrier has no real culinary training, but has been appearing in bit roles since 1998. Brooke has been doing cheap cooking segments for various internet outlets, but lost any credibility she might have had when she admitted her biggest culinary influences were Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee. Brian got eliminated from Top Chef Season 1 in the 3rd week, and now operates a food truck. And Sasha? Her claim to fame seems to be that she once baked cupcakes for Lindsay Lohan’s birthday, and some guy once referred to her as a fat Angelina Jolie. Really?

All I can say is this: congratulations, Melissa d’Arabian. You no longer have the worst show on the Food Network.

Did you watch Private Chefs of Beverly Hills? What did you think? Would you tune in again?

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