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The FNH Guide To Tax Deductions And Credits
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April 15th is right around the corner! Here’s a list of (completely fake) deductions and credits that you loyal Food Network watchers might have missed on your tax returns this year:
The Garbage Bowl Credit
If you actually purchased a Rachael Ray garbage bowl, and aren’t too embarrassed to admit it, you may be eligible for a tax deduction on form SUCKER-24.
The Good Ingredients Credit
If you wasted money on “good ingredients” when you could have gotten away with using “average ingredients”, the difference in price may be eligible for a credit on form FOODSNOB-642.
The Sandra Lee Charitable Deduction
No one ate any of the Semi-Homemade coleslaw you whipped up last night? No problem. If you drop it off at your local retirement community, you may be eligible for a charitable tax credit on form SODALICIOUS-204a.
The Douchebag Exception
If you’ve ever been married to Guy Fieri, you don’t owe any money. Hell, you don’t even have to file a return if you don’t want to. Your debt to society has already been paid.
The Viewing Injury Credit
If you’ve ever suffered an indirect injury while watching Food Network, such as being blinded by Paula Deen’s teeth, getting stressed out while watching Next Iron Chef, and/or breaking your toe while quickly running to change the channel when Big Daddy’s House came on, you may be eligible for an above-the-line deduction on form OOHMYNOSE-200.
The “Bringin Home The Bacon” Deduction
If you buy a new Energy Star freezer, and use it to store every last piece of your frozen bacon as per Melissa d’Arabian’s instructions, you may be eligible for a deduction on form HOGWILD-002.
The Mental Instability Deduction
If you found yourself depressed, confused, and/or in need of psychotherapy after enduring an entire season of Next Food Network Star, you’re not alone. Thankfully, you may be eligible to take a standard deduction to cover all related medical bills on form WHYGODWHY-2009.
The Cheese Wheel Addendum
So Giada convinced you to invest in a 25-lb wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano. It happens. But now, it’s just sitting around, taking up room in your refrigerator and making you miserable. It weighs as much as a child, and it’s nearly as needy. The good news is, you may be able to claim it as a dependent on form ENUNC8-99s.
Hope that helps!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Rachael Ray’s Garbage Bowl Costs $20---FNH Mother’s Day Gift Guide
---FNH Father’s Day 2011 Gift Guide
---New Ben & Jerry’s Celebrity Ice Cream Flavors
---A Guide To Food Network Bungee Jumping
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23 Responses
ENUNC8… haha
The sad part is, I could take half of those credits if they were real!
This was really funny! Thanks for making my tax prep day a little less shitty, FNH!
I’m going to ask the guy at H&R Block about the mental instability deduction. I’m still bitter about the outcome of every single season of that shitty show.
The Cipotle Deduction:
If, like Booby Flay you added hot chile peppers to every god damned dish and now find you need to use Billy Mays’ “Chipotlaway.” Good news is that you can write off the expense of replacing your soiled underwear with form HOMO101.
Chipotle, cripe. Edit function, argh! :P
Do I get a tax rebate for a cutting board that Bobby Flay stomped on?
OOHMYNOSE-200… LOL!!!
You have got to be kidding me – a Rachael Ray garbage bowl actually exists and is available for purchase? Unbelievable…
I, myself, will be claiming the Viewing Injury Credit for every time I’ve watched that bitch Kerry Vincent bring some nice contestant to tears.
And I’ll be claiming the Mental Instability Deduction for the emotional strain I incurred while watching NFNS last summer…from sleazy used car salesman-acting Brett August, to UBER-TOOL douchebag Eddie, to lying Debbie, to super-annoying Teddy making us uncomfortable each time he was on camera, to having to watch Jeffrey Saad lose to Melissa…that was just wrong in so many ways. I wanted Michael Proietti to go all the way and win it, but Jeffrey Saad was my second choice.
Ditto, Gypsy, except I wanted Jeffrey all along. ENUNC8! Great stuff, Jillian! :^)
Gypsy, RRay’s Garbage Bowl (GB per Rachael) sells on QVC, amazon, ebay, BedBath&Beyond. Lots of scary bowling ball marble-y-looking color choices. Don’t get it, too lazy to put trash in a trashcan?
Yeah, the trashcan works just fine! Or how about any old cheap plastic bowl from the dollar store? I mean, it’s for GARBAGE. It’s beyond me why would anyone pay $$ for some ceramic, artsy thing to catch their potato peelings while they’re cooking!
I read the amazon reviews once out of curiosity and it seems like a cheap dollar store bowl may be better quality that the RR bowl
Gypsy, think the GB came into existence due to her sink being completely on the other side of her lame kitchen. The other chefs (except dingdong Melissa D’Bacon) have a sink nearby for ‘garbage’. Bet RR sheep-fans called breathlessly to buy her bowl. It hasn’t always been the color/design of her current GB; it was any bowl.
Could I receive a deduction (and applause) for burying Melissa UNDER all her frozen bacon?
I’m standing up and clapping for you right now! :-D
Aunt Sandy’s slaw would be perfect for the elderly since there’s probably baby food in it.
LMAO at the Sandra Lee coleslaw going to a nursing home!
‘The Douchebag Exception’ HILARIOUS!!
OOHMYNOSE-200 Funny. Hurting yourself running to tune out some of these FN chef shows. Also included The neelys, Guy’s Big Bite and Mucho Irritato.
The last one was the best – “ENUNC8″
LMAO
how bout paula deens use of cream cheese & mayonnaise ??
btw melissa sux!!
Oh s%&* I think I hear the line “love at first bite” go for remote, trip over coffee table, hit knee on floor, emergency room. That would be deduction, lol.