Alex Guarnaschelli, Twitter Conversations »
A Heartwarming Selection Of Alex Guaranschelli’s Most Fattening Tweets
Published on: May 30, 2010 – 10:24 am by Jillian Madison 
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If you follow Alex Guarnaschelli on Twitter, you know she talks about food. A lot. And she doesn’t just say, “I want some roast beef today.” Ohhhh no. She says, “I want roast beef studded w/ green & black peppercorns, crust on outside, pink in the middle, w/ drippings & roasted potatoes w/ rosemary.”
Wow. Talk about a mouthful! Somebody tell this woman to take a breath and calm down. It’s Twitter! It’s supposed to contain brief updates about your life, not Proust-like essays about your current food cravings.
It’s clear she’s passionate about food, but her tweets have become so loaded with extraneous descriptors and adjectives, sometimes it feels like you could gain weight just by reading them.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, here’s a heartwarming little selection of Alex’s most fattening tweets:
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---VIDEO: A Sensual Reading Of Alex Guarnaschelli’s Tweets---A Sensual Reading of Alex Guarnaschelli’s Tweets: Part 2
---The Alex Guarnaschelli Zombie Photo
---TWITTER WEEK ON FNH: Day 1 [Guy Fieri]
---Alex Guarnaschelli’s Fish en Papillote en 8 MILES OF TIN FOIL
THIS WEEK: Ina Garten's "beginner" recipes, new Food Network shows starting in September, thumbing through an issue of Semi-Homemade magazine, Rachael Ray's daytime talk show, Aarti's "accountability group", Claire Robinson on Big Daddy's House, another sensual reading of Alex Guarnaschelli's tweets, sink or swim voicemail, and much more.
Think she gets nekkid & rolls around in her food, too?
And you have a problem with that? Have you ever undressed just to roll around some luscious dark chocolate ice cream with extra chocolate chips, brownie bites, and even more dark chocolate chunks? Well?
Now please excuse me while I get back to my ice cream pool… Mmmmm, chocolate! :-D
Ummm…no.
Quoting my boyfriend, after reading these him: “You ever hear of a vegetable, bitch?”
WORD! How is she still alive?
Oh, I don’t know…but just imagining Alex Guaranschelli and her “…roast beef studded…crust on outside, pink in the middle, w/ drippings…” brings to mind images of zaftig porn with dialog written by Zach & Miri.
Diet starts today…
Of all of these that’s the one that actually did make my mouth water.
No wonder her ass is like 12 axe handles wide *eyeroll*
that was my first thought too….
Yeah, I was pretty much thinking the same thing, only along the lines of “as big as a barn door”.
I’ve always thought her cute, though, but it was the picture of her butt in this blog (rare full body shot) a few months back that shocked me.
I do follow her tweets; like the famous quote about a military man, “only out of curiosity”–and, after seeing what she writes about, my thought was, “THIS is why you are overweight…”
I remember the Camembert, mayo, and butter on a bagel tweet…it’s just wrong on so many levels.
That tweet is so gag-worthy, and I don’t mean funny! ;)
Damn, so all the contestants on Chopped have to do is follow her tweets and they’ll win the 10 grand.
LOL! I was just thinking that.
Me too…lol…Would be easy to win now eh?
Just pull out the old cheese n mayo n butter encrusted
baguette.
lol
She is so full of herself.. LOL
And full of about 50 lbs of bacon grease and cheese at any given moment, too.
CHEWY ice cream? When mine gets like that it means it’s been in the freezer for about a millineum.
Chewy ice cream sandwich. I’m assuming she means chewy cookies.
she is starting to make Paula Deen look like a health nut….LMAO
I don’t think frozen milk and sea salt on chocolate chip cookies sounds very appetizing, but that’s just me.
I don’t think you’re supposed to freeze it, just put it in there long enough to get really, really cold. But that would give me a headache, I think!
A friend of mine’s fiance made chocolate chip cookies with just a tiny sprinkle of sea salt on the top a few weeks ago, and it was amazing; the trick, I guess, is to use enough to offset the sweetness of the dough and chocolate chips, but not enough to overpower them.
Alton Brown recommends using salt in desserts; he even did a show about it called “The Ballad of Salty & Sweet”.
Why isn’t she dreaming of an onion/tomato/garlic salt/mayo/low-fat American cheese sandwich composed on Wonder Bread from the day-old bakery?
Alternatively, a peanut butter/mayo sandwich
Mmm Peanut butter/mayo is delicious.
Oh come on, haven’t you ever had fantasies about piping hot mac & cheese right out of the oven? I’m watching my sweet, lovely Ina right now, and all her mac & cheese talk is driving me CRAZY… IN LOVE!
I actually want to follow Alex G now that I know she’s tweeting like this! This is the kind of food porn that keeps me satisfied in between “foodgasms” in my kitchen. ;-)
I’m just wondering what her husband thinks of all this.
He needs to get over it. Seriously. If he can’t share my lovely Alex with good bacon, he just can’t handle any marriage to any real foodie. :-p
Your lovely Alex?
Not into sarcasm?
I don’t be tweeting
She needs to find a non-food hobby to keep those paws out of the kitchen.
@Mort, the more I think about the tweets, the more I’m thinking her ‘hobby’ is a cookbook coming out. Anyone else thinkin’ along these lines?
I wonder if she’ll be tweetin’ from her cardiologist office soon!
F**k the cardiologist! He/she doesn’t know how to have fun. Next thing, you know, he’ll try to force my lovely Alex to give up bacon. F**k that s**t! There are more important things, like dousing some good Camembert on a fresh baguette alongside some mayo and butter, that we must do for the sake of REAL CULINARY LOVE! :-D
I’m all for indulging on some deliciously unhealthy food but butter, mayonnaise, AND camembert together? That’s freaking disgusting. You can’t defend that.
You really have a thing for Alex, don’t you?
Ughh, she’s so disgusting, no wonder her fat ass is #@*’* fatter than fat!
Soon:
“Having a Lipitor sandwich, giant bowl of celery and a mug of V8.”
“…..studded with toasted flax seeds…” ;)
What a cow.
Yes, my ass is definitely fatter for having read that…DAMN!
Seriously, HOW does she NOT weigh 800lbs? If she took the time devoted to tweeting and used it to…oh, I don’t know…take a WALK, she’d be a slimmer, healthier gal.
Just sayin…
“Craving a ham, banana and mayonnaise sandwich with a side of Nutella pork rinds. Don’t knock it til you try it!”
Just gained about 1,000 pounds from those tweets!
Alex probably eats during sex.
Like George on Seinfeld!
Except everything has “bacony crumbs” and sausage grease!
Mmm, pastrami.
I don’t know, some of these sound delicious. I could go for a homemade ice cream sandwich with dark chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven and ice cold milk. Or super-bubbly mac and cheese. Cheese and mayo, though: never the twain shall meet in my household. If my sandwich has mayo, it does not get cheese, and vis versa.
Then again, I like her show, too, for the absurdity of the dialog. The Proust connection is fitting, to an extent. I don’t know what the heck he wrote about, and I don’t understand what Alex is talking about most of the time, but I know I like both. Now let me hop in that bacon sauna and massage the love into my butcher with chewy ecstasy while providing the perfect bitch face to anybody who comes by and tries to serve me less than stellar food.
Who the hell gets their milk out of the freezer??
A few things puzzled me.
-What kind of ice cream is she eating that is “chewy”?
-I have never heard of “bacony breadcrumbs.” I wonder if she makes her own by soaking croutons in lard.
-Keeping milk in the freezer? Sounds like something D’Arabian would do.
Also, this woman must be the sworn enemy of all pigs.
Her tweets are embarassing – she’s just asking to be mocked!
She’s way beyond foodie/chef, she’s obsessed with (eating and) unhealthy food.
I would have kicked her ass in High School. For real.
LMAO. actually laughed out loud on that one.
My arteries have snapped shut. Holy cow.
I almost threw up first at the “marinating” macaroni one, and then again at the grilled cheese one.
With a diet like that and five slices of bacon with her omelet, she will never see a day past her 50th birthday.
She’s actually 51; fat keeps her young and rejuvinated… …Kidding
She’s gotta work harder at getting more bacon into her tweets. I mean, nothing livens up a butter, mayo and camembert sandwich like bacon. Ditto the ice-cream sandwiches.
http://www.puppiesandflowers.com/blogimages/july07/baconIceCream.jpg
No… WAY?!
Maybe she is on a diet and these are her food fantasies. When I fasted one time, I realized how much I think about food.
5 slices of bacon!?
Same thing I was thinking. I can barely choke down 3 slices. Five in an omelet is just craaaazy. I wonder if there’s bacon on the side, too.
i know! it’s ridiculous. i hate eggs so i’m not an omelette person, but i struggle eating more than like two slices with my pancakes.
i used to hate bacon, but my opinion’s definitely changed. i love it now, but even now i don’t feel the need to use obscene amounts in every recipe. i can easily go a month without eating any bacon.
How does she even fit 5 slices in there? Is it a 20 egg omelet??
I can eat five slices, no problem. But if you’re going to eat that much bacon, just eat the bacon by itself. This way you can enjoy it, if you’re going to pig out on it.
Otherwise, if you’re putting it in an omelet, a little goes a much longer way.
pig out…bacon, har har har.
had to point that out.
General Taylor said it best in Good Morning Vietnam…
“Why, son, the shadow of your ass’d weigh 20 pounds.”
ice cream…is ice cold. otherwise it’s just cream. you silly goose.
If this broad could find a way to take bacon grease intravenously, she would be on the drip all day.
Does she think the universe will implode if she tweets about a light, refreshing salad?
Or would she was what that “salad” thing is I speak of?
A fake Alex Twitter account could be hilarious:
“I’m craving frozen lard dipped in tempura batter, fried in duck fat, and rolled in crushed Milk Duds. Top with whipped cream and shaved truffles, yum!”
I’m sure she’s heard of that mythical “salad” you’re referring to. As long as that word is prefaced with “macaroni” or “potato”.
i just rechewed my own vomit
Thanks for sharing…that may be even more unappetizing than Alex’s tweets.
somthing tells me I don’t want to know what she’s marinating the mac n cheese in..ew..
Molly, she wrote that she was marinating it in cheese sauce… …Still, I can’t imagine what kind of cheese could stay liquid overnight :/
How is it possible that this woman is still breathing?!
I’m pregnant and ravenous 24/7 and I STILL don’t eat as much as this lady!
I love food too, but after reading these, good grief it’s a wonder Alex isn’t 1000 pounds already.
I’m craving some Lipitor now. Why does my left arm hurt?
I love Alex’s food tweets. They bring food fantasies to life, I almost smell and taste what she’s talking about during my work day. I can just imagine that I’m eating something much more exciting than my lean cuisine!
I think she’s great and has obvious passion for food! She knows alot about what she does, I think thats great.
Did anyone see her on Chopped last night when she was hovering over chef Kats dish in the second round? I instantly thought of this post…sorry I don’t have a picture.
ugh, i don’t even know why or how this lady has a show. she wrinkles her face and nose when she talks about food. she drives me NUTS !! and has anyone noticed her disgusting chewed off fingernails ? they are just stubs on her fingers!