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Working At The Food Network Makes You Want To Kill Someone… LITERALLY!
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I’m one of those people who always misses “the good stuff.” In November, I went out of town for one day, and Paula Deen got hit in the face with a freaking ham. This month, I went on a weekend trip to celebrate my birthday, and an ex-Food Network chef went mental and hired 2 HOMELESS PEOPLE to kill someone (allegedly!)
Juan-Carlos Cruz, host of “Calorie Commando” and some other show I’ve never heard of, was arrested at a dog park in California last week for solicitation to commit murder. TMZ has a video interview with the actual homeless guys Juan allegedly tried to hire., and according to them, Juan said he wanted some “dirty deeds done cheap.” You know, because it’s always a good idea to quote AC/DC before committing a felony.
Juan was allegedly going to pay the men “a grand” to “cut [a] woman’s throat.” TMZ said Juan then gave them “a box which contained a box cutter, a disposable cell phone, gloves and a pocket watch.”
Wow. A thousand dollars? To kill someone? With a BOX CUTTER??? That sounds like the stupidest plan ever. I wonder how long it took Juan-Carlos to cook it up! (Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.)
Luckily, the homeless guys ratted on Juan and no one was hurt. Yay for homeless guys with morals!
Juan started off as a fat pastry chef at California’s Hotel Bel Air, but quickly shifted his focus to meals that promoted weight loss. In fact, when Calorie Commando premiered in 2004, he boasted that he lost 100 pounds by eating his own cooking… which, to me, just says he lost weight because he couldn’t bring himself to eat his own nasty cooking.
I’m not sure why Juan Carlos went through all of this trouble. If he wanted to kill someone, he should have just called Paula Deen and asked her to whip up some Lady’s Brunch burgers. That certainly would have gotten the job done.
(Thank you to the 1,000 people who e-mailed this story to me!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
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---Guy Fieri Hosting NBC Game Show [Kill Your Televisions]
---UPDATE: The FNH RSS Feed Is Working Again!
---Food Network Anthony Bourdain-isms
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47 Responses
I just read the article before coming to your site – I almost contacted you about it! :) Crazy stuff.
Even though it’s rumored the intended victim was his wife, I really think he was after a crazy chick on the west coast hawking boxed cake mixes!
That’s some crazy sh*t!
I knew this would show up here! LOL!!! Awesome publicity for TFN!
Maybe FN should start getting “profiles” done on their personnell .I think there are a few more whackjobs at FN that could easily go off and it’s just a matter of time.
Yes! Maybe Pauler will have Mykul rubbed out next!
Rachael has most likely thought about getting rid of that hobo husband of her’s.
Jillian, Guy Ferry sent you a bag of Rat Killer in your B-Day package, perhaps he wanted you to give it to the person on FN with the most “ratitude” ie. Tuschie.
“Hobo Hitmen” wtf?????
i was secretly hoping to find out that the person he wanted to kill was some current food network host. paula deen, for her heart-attack-inducing meals. rachel ray, for having a fat ass.
but it was his wife. lame.
Darwin Award nominee in this article, methinks.
He must be on drugs or something. Approaching 2 homeless guys to whack his wife? What an idiot!
I know. I mean, you’d think someone as inately intelligent as the Calorie Commando would do some research and seek out experienced, reputable hitmen who could provide references. Jeez – talk about letting your self go.
I meant innately and yourself. The census bureau rang my bell and I got distracted. Talk about letting yourelf go! Shame on me.
Did it again! “Yourself.” And I haven’t even had any wine!
I like “yourelf,” though. :)
I do try to give my elves as much freedom as possible. Go, elves, go!
Yeesh! Crazy!
Anne, +1 for drugs.
See, if he wanted “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” then he would have offered even less than 1 grand!
It’s so ridiculous to read that he cut ten $100 bills in half, gave half to “Little Dave” and said he’d give him the other halves after “dirty deed was done.” He’s been reading too many pulp novels.
I bet he’d be stoked over his hot bod in Jillian’s send-up, though. ;)
HaHaaaaaaaaa what a freakin idiot!!!
On the bright side, apparently Juan Carlos does Web meetings and demos. Will this work from jail?
http://web.mac.com/chefcruz/iWeb/Chef%20Cruz/MY%20VISIT%20TO%20YOUR%20CLUB,%20REALLY%21.html
I wonder if this story will end up in the “Media” link on his website?
I think I figured out the events which led up to the incident.
1) He cooks low-cal food for his wife for years.
2) She is constantly irritable from a lack of decent food.
3) He becomes mentally unstable because no one is interested in his webcasts or books.
4) Critical mass occurs when he comes home early and finds her eating a triple whopper with bacon and cheese.
Or a KFC Double Down!!
I see a special coming later in the year: Chefs Versus Cellblock, featuring special guests this guy and Beaux!
Too funny!!! LOL!!!
Immediately upon seeing this I actually shouted “Holy shit!”
Well then, I hope he gets his just desserts!
Perfect, after all he IS the “pastry dude.”
oh my god. I hate to be the wet blanket in the room, but TMZ is reporting that his wife was horribly depressed for years over her inability to have children and expressed many times that she wanted to end her life but couldn’t becasue she was a strict Catholic – and that he was going to have her killed and then kill himself. I spent the entire morning laughing my ass off over this story but now I feel just horrible.
But they’re ALSO saying that he told the homeless guys that he wanted her dead for an inheritance she received (no such inheritance exists, though) and later he also told them that she had put out a hit on him so he was putting out one one on her (she didn’t). Do you really think this guy is that honorable?
I don’t even remember this guy or his show on Food Network. His show must have had the Amy Finley schedule or something.
What ever happened to Amy Finley, anyway? She was the original Melissa D’Arabian, wasn’t she?
I thought I read somewhere that FN was going to renew her show for a second season but she decided to move to France and gave up her show. No joke.
Just watching the Food Network makes me want to kill someone. I won’t say who, but his name rhymes with ‘Hi Fairy.’ ;)
haha good one spatuler
Why didn’t he just tie her up and force her to watch RR shows non-stop? Her head would have blown up naturally…
Afer hearing EVOO, Yummo and Sammies 500 times in a row, I would self destruct too….
I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy. It’s just too cruel.
In today’s day and age, I can’t believe anyone has the rocky mountain oysters to even hire a hit on someone! Very ballsy (and stupid)!
“The Food Network issued a short statement Monday saying that Cruz “has not been under contract or associated with Food Network for a number of years.”
http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/16/tv.chef.arrested/index.html?hpt=T1
Did he try to recruit actual homeless guys, or Cap’n Deen and RR’s hubby?
LOL !!
I saw this in a news story yesterday. I actually liked his show back in the day.
Just so bizarre…
That’s weird- I always thought the lyrics were: “Dirty deeds and the Dunderchief”