It’s episode 3 of the Next Food Network Star! This week, 10 of the creepiest, least talented people on the planet continued their quest to land a temporary job at a network run by out of touch people who actually think Guy Fieri is cool.

Speaking of Guy Fieri, he was the guest judge on tonight’s episode. He rolled up wearing more tacky gold jewelry than Mr. T during the entire third season of the A-Team. And judging by the neon yellow hair and radioactive stripe of chin pubes under his lip, he may or may not have just lost a battle with a bottle of uranium.

For their first challenge, the competitors had to prepare a dish inspired by a particular movie genre and then present it on camera. Brianna got comedy, Brad got animation, and Das got foreign. This episode was really boring as it is, so I’m thankful there was no “Awful Sandra Bullock Summer Blockbuster” genre.

Sadly, the contestants were just as awful in front of the camera as they were last week. Honestly, the all sucked, but Das and Paul were the worst. Das delivered lines that were so corny and lame, even Guy Fieri rolled his eyes at him (and that, folks, is bad). Paul Young, on the other hand, just screamed into the camera and spastically waved his arms around in the air like he was swatting at a swarm of imaginary bees. Perhaps they were attracted by Paul’s alluring scent of “awkward loser.” We may never know.

Meanwhile, Brianna’s comedy presentation was so awful that it actually made Dane Cook seem funny.  “When I shop for seafood I giggle a little bit,” she said. Shhh, do you hear that? It’s the sound of the entire universe NOT LAUGHING AT HER JOKE.

After 15 tedious, repetitive minutes, Aartie was named the winner of the challenge… not because she was the best, but because the rest of these poor bastards were so horrifyingly bad. The good news? She didn’t use the cringeworthy phrase “Aarti’s Party” tonight. The bad news? Her name is still Aarti, and that will always rhyme with Party. Coincidentally, it also rhymes with “farty” – but I for one hope we never have to go there.

On a “LAME SCALE” of 1-10, the next challenge ranked as an 11. One by one, the contestants had to walk down a fake red carpet while a bunch of fake fans and fake paparazzi pretended to give a shit about them. It was painful to watch. I’m not joking when I say I haven’t seen something so lame since my grandmother injured her knee in 2004.

The challenge didn’t show us how the contestants would handle the spotlight; it showed us that they’re all huge dweebs with the IQs of Chia Pets. Brianna stumbled down the walkway in a skintight red dress that looked it might have fit her when she was in her mother’s womb. As scary as she was to watch, it was nothing compared to Paul, who looked like he was having a grand mal seizure down the red carpet. Less is more, Paul. Less is more.

Of course we can’t forget dzabout Dzintra, who literally spun in circles down the runway like she was channeling Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music. And then smack dab in the middle of her fake interview, there it was… one of the funniest lines in the history of Next Food Network Star:

Thanks to the magic of technology, we were able to reach an actual amber woodpecker for comment:

Poor bird.

Next, the contestants had to host an after-party for singer Colbie Caillat. Herb referred to her as a “huge up and coming pop star.” Personally, I refer to her as “the girl with the rich producer father who sings the annoying Bubbly song that my 8 year old neighbor played nonstop like 2 years ago”… but I digress.

This was another team challenge, and everyone was assigned a random partner. Paul’s displeasure showed all over his face when he was teamed with Serena. “I come from a professional background,” he said. “Serena’s a home cook. She’s not used to cooking for 150 people.” Wow. I didn’t think i was possible, but congratulations to Paul for actually OUT-DOUCHING GUY FIERI on this episode.

Poor Serena. Nothing was going right for her. Not only did her unfunny, incompetent partner Paul break a bottle of soy sauce into their coleslaw after trying to open it with a knife (TOTAL IDIOT), but Brianna stepped on her foot in a preventable kitchen accident. Brianna was backin’ dat ass up, and Serena forgot to say “behind.” The result? NOT SO PRETTY:

The rest of the episode was uneventful, repetitive, and boring. Dzintra continued to be completely unable to relate to other members of the human race. She nervously giggled as she spooned out servings of her mushroom dish and awkwardly alerted people it “wasn’t poisonous.” In other news, Das and the “unemployed chef” Tom almost made Susie Fogelson and Colbie Caillat throw up with their nasty fried banana/jerk coleslaw creation:

The bottom performers during the Colbie Caillat challenge were team Dzintra/Aria, and team Paul/Serena. Not surprising, since Dzintra terrified most of the pary-goers, Aria was probably playing patty-cake with them like they were 8 years old, and Paul/Serena spent the entire night acting like a bickering couple who couldn’t decide how to amicably split their Bee-Gees record collection.

At the end of the DZAY, DZINTRA was the one sent home. I thought it should have been Paul, but then again, it’s all about the benjamins, baby.

Until next week!

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