Another week, another episode of Next Food Network Star (alternatively titled: “the quest for the person who will sell the most product”)!

After a few creepy scenes of Herb jumping rope and hitting an invisible punching bag, the crew met up with Giada and Susie Fogelson at the Food Star kitchen. Susie told them that by being on the Food Network, they were “making a promise to consistently deliver ideas and inspiration” to the public. That’s right! Just look at Sandra Lee. She inspires thousands of people to want to kill themselves every day.

For their first challenge, the finalists had to create their own brand of jarred food – and then do a cooking demo with it in front of a live crowd. Serena made a pasta sauce, Brad made a marmalade, Tom made people laugh, and the rest of them MADE ME WANT TO CURL INTO THE FETAL POSITION AND CRY. It was just that bad.

Take Herb, for example. He put olive oil and coconut oil in a jar and called it an “energy chef blend.” He then spent 3 minutes screaming at the crowd like a deranged lunatic who shouldn’t have been let out of his padded room. And the worst part? His “energy sauce” ended up looking like a URINE SAMPLE. Soooo unfortunate.

Aarti was pretty awful, too. She came out on stage and said, “I’m Aarti, and you’re all invited to my Aarti party.” Gosh, she’s just so clever with those rhymes, isn’t she? Let me try it! Hi, I’m Jill, and today we’re going to grill! HAHAHA!!!!!! See what I did there? Can I have my own show now? Please?

Anyway, on a sad note, we regret to inform you the sparrow that flew into the side of Aarti’s head has, in fact, died. It is a sad day indeed.

Although Aarti didn’t plate her food, taste her food, or describe her food… 3 things which were required to successfully complete the challenge… Susie Fogelson still borderline orgasmed over her performance. “I love Aarti! I was excited before she even opened her mouth,” she said. Yeah. Umm, I think we need to consult Liz Lemon on this one:

Brianna was horrible in front of the crowd, too. She forgot the name of her sauce, and finished her demo 30 seconds early. She spent that extra time nervously clapping to herself, as the crowd looked on in sheer horror. Luckily, we have a word for her behavior, and that word is…

According to the audience, Serena and Brianna were the worst, and Tom and Aarti were the best. Tom definitely showed improvement over the previous weeks, but Aarti? She didn’t even finish cooking her food, and she once again exhibited less self confidence than an overweight 13 year old who just got a bad perm.

With the scent of humiliation still fresh on their skin, the finalists left to go meet up with Bobby Flay and this week’s guest judge, Paula Deen. Aarti was a bit star-struck, and said: “You can feel Paula’s warmth a mile away!” Chill out, Aarti. That’s not Paula you’re feeling. It’s just the sun reflecting off of her new porcelain veneers.

For this week’s elimination challenge, the finalists had to launch a lunch truck and sell food to people on Venice Beach. Perhaps a Twitter user by the name of Catagator said it best: “Deen got her start selling brown bag lunches, and to honor it, she wore a brown bag to the contest!” Others felt it more closely resembled a Snuggie. Discuss amongst yourselves.

This was a team challenge, and the finalists were split into groups of 2. Brianna/Serena, Brad/Aria, Paul/Herb, and Aarti/Tom each had 2 hours and a budget of $1,000 to launch their food trucks. And what better way to kick things off than by coming up with the lamest, least creative business names on the face of the Earth!

Herb and Paul cleverly named their food truck “Herb and Paul’s.” I know. Genius, right? It’s almost as good as the name Serena and Brianna came up with, “2 Chix in a Truck.” What, like people would have thought they were “2 Dudes in an Airplane?”

Aria/Brad called theirs “All American Cheesehead” because they’re both from Wisconson, while Aarti/Tom named their truck “Dick Bombays” (probably because “TRUCK” doesn’t rhyme with AARTI or PARTY). And I’m sorry, but Dick Bombay’s doesn’t sound like a food truck. It sounds like a cheap Hawaiian shirt company, or an STD you’d pick up in the South Pacific.

I’m going to come right out and say this: Paul and Herb should have just named their truck THE DOUCHE WAGON. Alone, these guys are annoying. But together, they exude a force so obnoxious that it simply can not be contained. Herb kept referring to himself in the 3rd person, and Paul just kept running around and screaming into the air like a freak. Not surprisingly, even the people in the crowd hated them.

Before long, Susie Fogelson, Bob Tuschman, Bobby Flay, and Paula Deen showed up to taste their lunch truck creations. This brought up two very valid wardrobe-related questions:

1) Dear God, what was Susie wearing? She looked like the love child of Alice from the Brady Bunch and the maid from The Jetsons.

and 2) Was Paula Deen wearing GAUZE? Because I think she was totally wearing gauze.

So, how did everyone do? Bobby Flay hated Aria/Brad’s overcooked hamburgers, and Paula Deen said her 3 year old grandson could have made their boring hot dogs. And of course, Susie gushed over Tom and Aarti’s tacos, but Paula Deen hated them. “They were way too hot. I don’t like being hurt when I eat a meal,” she said.

Ultimately, the judges liked Brianna and Serena’s menu items the best, and named them the winners of the challenge.

The bottom performers were Paul, Brad, and Aria. But in the end, PAUL WAS ELIMINATED from the show. Finally!

And that brought this week’s episode to an end! Ted Allen shows up next week. I know. Try to contain your excitement. We’ll see you then!

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