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The Food Network is excited to announce its new Fall 2010 sitcom/reality show lineup. These new revenue-generating shows, void of any culinary value. would surely make Julia Child turn over in her grave. But what did she know? She was only on PBS.

Trailer Park Eats pairs TFN favorites Paula Deen and Rachael Ray as Patsy, a single mom down on her luck whose life is turned around when her plucky daughter, Rayette, realizes her lifelong dream of advancing from French fry girl at the local McDonald’s to head fry cook at The Greasy Spoon. This allows the pair to move into the double-wide of their dreams. Tragedy soon strikes when Lushie, the town trollop (Sandra Lee) seduces Rayette’s bad boy boyfriend, Spike (Guy Fieri) atop a tablescape made of brightly colored tattoos and skater shorts.

Hiding in the Hamptons stars Michael Chiarello as a successful purveyor of overpriced culinary products who moves to The Hamptons under the alias of Brock, just Brock. While hiding from his beard, excuse me, wife, he gets in touch with his feminine side and finds himself befriended by the doyenne of the Hampton Hags (Ina Garten). Before long “Brock” is torn between two lovers, Miquel and Stephen. Cameo by why-does-he-have-to-be-gay T.R.

Nigella Speaks finds the eloquently spoken Ms. Lawson hosting a show designed to educate the less articulate TFN hosts in the intricacies of the English language. The first episode focuses on the redundancy of the phrase “reduce down.” Future episodes will include teaching Rachael Ray that just because she says something does not make it a word, an Eliza Doolittle-like transformation of Paula Deen’s grating drawl, and an intense season finale spent with Emeril Lagasse.

Battle of the Network Nepotist is a competition geared at seeing just how many family members and friends one host is able to wrangle onto his or her show. Paula Deen is the frontrunner; she’s managed to get a show for her sons as well as a book deal for her husband Michael, who appears to be channeling a less erudite Sebastian Cabot. Giada’s managed to get SAG cards for her husband Todd and her unplanned kid, Jade. Todd sees the writing on the wall; he knows that it’s just a matter of time before his bosom-baring wife dumps him for Jon Hamm. Todd’s not worried; he’s working on a reality show with Levy Johnston. Things might get nasty if Paula Deen decides to argue that the animal menagerie that lurks around her kitchen be classified as “family.” Production could be delayed due to the inability of TNF to find a star who hasn’t trotted out a family member.

Culinary Menage a Troi- The 70s itcom Three’s Company has nothing on TFN’s wacky tale of three young chefs (Tyler Florence, Giada De Laurentiis, and Clarie Robinson) and their nosey super, Vince (Emeril Lagasse).

Chip Gourmand, PI features Bobby Flay as the cocky title character in this edgy series that centers on Gourmand’s somewhat unethical investigations of culinary disasters. Sunny Anderson co-stars as his Gal Friday.

What Not to Cook follows TLC’s lead with their popular “What Not to Wear.” TFN casts their own Jewish Princess, Ina Garten, in the Stacy London role and gets two Clinton Kellys for the price of one by recalling The Hardy Boys. Unlike the premise of the TLC show with a new victim each week, this reality show will alternate episodes with weekly raids on the kitchens of Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee. The hosts will focus on ridding Ray’s kitchen of all of her “stoups” and “sammies.” The Lee episodes are scheduled to be intervention themed: taking away her Hobby Lobby credit card and emptying her liquor cabinet.

Log onto the TFN website for more information and to find out how to purchase the network’s new glossy calendar, Cleavage in the Kitchen.”

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[Written by Mary McConnell Ward]

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