Sandra Lee »

Semi-Homemade Season 14 Premiere: Just The Crazy Stuff
Posted by Jillian Madison

Sure, there are people out there who legitimately adore Sandra Lee and watch her to learn what magic they can whip up using seasoning packets, car tires, and chicken wire. But the reality is 90 out of 100 people only watch Sandra Lee to see what crime against humanity she’s going to commit next. So if you’re one of those 10 Sandra Lee fans, go ahead and scoot your Semi-idiotic butt right on over to Food Network’s website because this isn’t a blog for you. The other 90? Stick around, because we’ll be posting the most asinine, most ridiculous, most “illegal-in-17-states” things from each new episode of Semi-Homemade. Here are the highlights from the somewhat boring Season 14 premiere, called Garden Fresh:

The Blindingly Bright Set

semi homemade sandra lee is crazy
Food Network¬†called it “technicolor” – we called it “migraine inducing.” There is such a thing as TOO BRIGHT, and this is it. What sort of crazy person has clear plastic on the back of their kitchen cabinets? And can’t they fix the color saturation? Those raw game hens looked like they just finished an overnight bath in a radioactive liquid. Psst… guys… it’s time to turn it down a notch… OR TEN.

The “Broccoli Pie”

semi homemade sandra lee is crazy
You’re looking at a plate of blanched broccoli, slathered in a mixture of yogurt, cream cheese, and onion soup mix. On what planet would this taste good? And why ruin fresh broccoli with this nasty onion-y mess? It didn’t even look like real food; it looked like something you’d see growing next to a molten lollipop river in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.


The Tablescare

semi homemade sandra lee is crazy

semi homemade sandra lee is crazy
What the hell was this hot mess supposed to be? A tablescape created by a 4 year old girl for her upcoming birthday party? Those plastic plates and cups didn’t even look like dollar store material; they looked like leftover promotional materials from Disney’s last princess movie. The tissue paper pom poms dangling from the ceiling just cheapened the look even more, and screamed “let’s party, we’re at our high school junior prom.”¬† Exactly how drunk was Sandra when she came up with this? Inquiring minds need to know.


The Fake Laughter

Sandra Lee usually opens every show by bursting onto the set and pretending to choke back a fake laugh, like she just heard the FUNNIEST JOKE EVER. It was especially annoying and noticeable on this week’s episode. Here’s a brief video clip:

What could possibly have been that funny? Did Bobby Flay just fart off camera or something?

The “behind the scenes” footage at the end of the show was equally as lame. I was looking forward to some bloopers, but we instead got 4 seconds of Sandra Lee holding a video camera. Sadly, it wasn’t even semi-interesting.

Hopefully episode 2 will be more interesting, because the premiere just felt like a boring, brighter episode of Money Saving Meals with a tablescape thrown in for good measure. Razzle dazzle? I certainly didn’t see any of it, did you?

Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Brycer’s Birthday Party: Just The Crazy Stuff [Semi-Homemade]
---Semi-Homemade Season 14 Press Release
---A Closer Look At A Semi-Homemade Show Intro
---FIRST LOOK: Upcoming Semi-Homemade “Homecoming Tailgate” Episode
---Semi-Homemade: I Miss The Old Days

    69 Responses

  1. Melissa says:

    She took that Hidden Valley dressing commercial a little too literally.

  2. jodi says:

    i’ve never been a huge fan of sandra’s and only watch her show for the humor factor… yesterday’s premier was such a disaster! and to have someone from a reputable magazine “help” her out was just more embarrassing… did she really think that the broccoli pie wouldn’t be laughed at? my cat could do a better job… give it up, sandra…

  3. Gypsy says:

    We caught a little bit of this episode…the brash colors instantly hurt my eyes and I just couldn’t stand to watch the screen for more than about a minute.

  4. emptysky1969 says:

    how many tv repair men were called during yesterdays show saying their TV was messed up?

  5. MsMia says:

    Dear Lord…she really is insane!! Who assembles vegetables in a pie plate?
    I think she did get some inspiration from the Hidden Valley Ranch commercials!

  6. Jill (not Jillian) says:

    I didn’t end up watching the show but the recap is hilarious! That table setting is seriously all kinds of wrong; she always puts way, way too much decorative shit out there. Also, the wardrobe changes are lame.

  7. cowpoke says:

    Did anyone else notice the candles on the table – Such a brilliant idea near all that tissue paper. This woman is as dangerous as she is stupid.

  8. Daria says:

    Oh OK so this is supposed to be the “doable” tablescape promised in the press release. She’s just substituting plastic dishware to make it less expensive? And when I buy all this multicolored plastic crap I’m supposed to do what with it exactly after it is used? It has a little more room for actual eating than some of her other creations, but it still looks tacky.

  9. Annie says:

    You need sunglasses to look at that tablescape!

  10. Annie says:

    Actually, the tablecover alone could give you a vertigo attack

  11. RigaToni says:

    WOW. I found FNH recently and I love it.

    I haven’t watched Sandra Lee in years, and if she accidentally pops on my screen I shout obscenities at the stupidity of whatever she’s doing (and my husband chuckles).

    I’m going to start watching now (and I hit this episode on my DVR for tomorrow morning so I can catch up) just to laugh with you guys.

    It’s so nice to have comrades.

  12. Jessi says:

    That broccoli dish looks like something out of Woman’s World magazine…

    • Ina Garten DaVida says:

      LOL, Woman’s World. The perfect Semi Ho venue.

      For women of a certain…sub-90 IQ. And written by the same folks who bring you the breathless testimonials in European weight loss aid “advertorials”.

      How in hell are you supposed to eat the broccoli atrocity? Fingers? Forks?

  13. Catherine says:

    I didn’t get to watch and to be honest, I’m a little disappointed. I love watching Aunt Sandy’s Train Wreck Express.

    That broccoli pie image made me GASP.

    And I would have loved that tablescape when I was 5. It looks like a 5-year-old girl’s mother set her loose in a party store and said, “Get whatever you want.” Not okay for a grown drunken woman’s television cooking show.

  14. cowpoke says:

    Well, I think we can safely assume that Aunt Sandy’s drinking only escalated during her time off.She and the executives at Food Network must have had one long continual booze and drug fest to come up with this disaster. The lit candles under 100lbs of tissue paper alone is proof.

    • eljay says:

      I agree, at least when Julia Child drank, she did it with class and style. She also produced a dish that made a person want to make it.
      This was bizarre, did anyone catch the two or three cups of vodka?
      I would not want to eat with those huge flowers over my head. Geez, I have to admit that I will be paying more attention to the shows since finding this site..

  15. What a waste of my time. I can’t believe I actually watched this crap. The tablescape was hideous and the broccoli pie looked just plain ol’ nasty. I ask myself “Can it get any worse?” and the answer is YES!!!! LMAO

  16. MsFoodie says:

    What the hell just happened???? I can’t even watch the show for the humor factor, she annoys me that much. Jill, I give you credit for sitting through that hot mess of a show. Holy shit, the table is so bright I want to hide in the dark for the rest of my life. Sweet Jesus the woman is insane.

  17. Kathy says:

    That broccoli pie was an abomination. It looks like what happens when a three year old gets into the refrigerator and decides they want to be like mommy and make a pie.

  18. Silvio says:

    A sad day in American Television History. Well done Tuschman.

  19. Chris says:

    Seriously? They pay this woman? She must have a picture of Tuschman fucking a goat and she’s using it as leverage to keep her “job”. Even Paula Deen is more entertaining that this bimbo. I urge everyone to visit the Food Network website and demand that this “show” be cancelled. What could you possibly learn about cooking from her that you can’t find on the back of a can of Campbell’s soup? And those fucking tablescapes — could you see Bobby Flay or Susie Fogelson sitting at one of Sandra’s abortion-gone-wrong tables and eating? I can’t. Why do the executives think she’s so GD great to keep her for 14 insufferable fucking seasons?!?!?

    Let’s start a new campaign. We’ll call it G.R.O.S.H.:


    For the love of humanity, please don’t pollute the airwaves with anymore of Sandra’s drivel.

    • FNFAN says:

      They keep her on because she gets ratings. Not only do her fans tune in to see her in droves, but the people who like to make fun of her do as well. All those people watching=ratings, and ratings=money. Truth be told, TFN could care less WHY folks watch, as long as they are watching.

      • Chris says:

        Maybe true. If it is, then no wonder the US is going to hell in a handbasket. FN could do so much better…something that would actually teach somebody to cook. I still say she’s got a picture of Tushie fucking a goat. At least it would make sense.

      • cloverleaf says:

        I would love to know the percentage of people who, like us, watch for the epic comedic trainwreckiness. LOL! She provides a public service: total break with reality. ;)

    • Jenifefa says:

      I’d be crushed if they cancelled this show! It’s one of the funniest things on TV. And without Sandy, how would I know what to do with all this Cool Whip and Eggstract?

  20. Lisa L says:

    I don’t even have words to describe what I thought about that “broccoli pie” – my jaw just dropped. And I think it’s ironic that “Aunt Drunky” has one show where she’s all about SAVING money, and this abomination where she’s tossing money away on tons of tacky, gaudy-ass CRAP to create a “tablescape”. If I invited friends over for dinner and they walked into something like one of the hot messes on Semi-Ho, they’d have me committed.

  21. Ferd Berfle says:

    All that pink and green looks like a Lilly Pulitzer store exploded and nothing was left of a dozen country club dowagers but their culottes.

  22. Nathalie says:

    It’s just all so VILE!

  23. Tatiana says:

    How about the new Semi-Political fashion statement? Her 80′s headband, and then the ladies-who-lunch dress.

  24. SaraCVT says:

    When I first read the press release, and heard that they were going to 70% fresh ingredients, I thought somebody was wising up to Sandra and her show was going to get better. But then I saw the picture under the heading “The Tablescare” and literally gasped out loud and said “Whoa…” I didn’t think she could get worse, but she has. That picture could send me into seizures. Literally.

  25. Jimbo says:

    This show has jumped the shark. She cannot last much longer.

  26. leyankee says:

    Unfortunately, I missed the show. But I think I made the broccoli pie already…..out of Play-Doh when I was eight. That Semi-Ho stole my idea!

  27. Di says:

    Sandy must totally be on payroll of some crafts/party store. What a massive waste of all that expensive crap that just gets tossed out after one use :(
    Waste of perfectly nice veggies, as well. Just how is one supposed to gracefully eat that broccoli?
    Waste of good booze, too grrr

  28. Kocinera says:

    I’d like to respond to the garish horrors that I’ve just seen, but unfortunately I’ve been struck blind by Sandra Lee’s kitchen and tablescape.

  29. shaneh says:

    i actually normally like Sandra (I know, gasp) but this is absolutely horrifying.

  30. anjarew says:

    Sandra Lee is FUCKED UP.

  31. sred says:

    Why does she sometimes gasp for air when talking in the video?!

  32. GreenJeans says:

    I am sitting here squinting and throwing up in my mouth. The broccoli pie? I am just speechless.

  33. FatCat says:

    Hmmm…the broccoli pie is worth further mention. I mean WTF!? How the hell would you pass this around? It’s inedible (sort of). I feel sorry for the broccoli

  34. Chris says:

    “pretending to choke back a fake laugh”

    That’s a GREAT description. It’s sort of a double-negative of fakery. I have laughed myself crazy over that line alone.

    Oh, God. Time for a drink!

  35. Deaner says:

    Just how drunk was Aunt Sandy when she came up with that tablescape? I’d be embarrassed to sit at that table.

    Hell, Liberace would have been embarrassed to sit at that table!

  36. J-Man says:

    Only our Sandy could think that corn syrup was “thick and rich an delicious.” GAG!

  37. pita1213 says:

    the tablescape looked like it came from oriental trading company’s clearance sale. my 12 year old daughter thought it looked like crap.
    I didn’t see the whole show. did it seem that she is using more fresh ingredients instead of more prepacked stuff? Just wondering since the press release mentioned 70% fresh and 30% packaged.

  38. vegout says:

    My boyfriend caught 1 minute of that show and freaked out. He wanted to know why “everything including the poor birds” had to match. Who does that?? Unfortunately, I had no answers for him. It’s Sandra Lee; it HAS to be crazy!!

  39. Spork-no-more says:

    Broccoli ‘pie’ could have been worse. Semi-Ho could have made the lattice dressing blue and called it a Hanukkah appetizer.

  40. Trudi Jespersen says:

    OMFG!!!!!! IT’S ON AGAIN TODAY UGHHHH!!!! I changed the channel immediately….going out to lunch where real people live. I CANNOT stand Sandra anymore. ICK!!!

  41. Schmitty says:

    I am amazed by how hard she tries. Her “talents” are so unexceptional, her cooking so pedestrian, her look so formulaic, and her shtick so offputting. Yet she stays on the air, year after year. The desperate need for acceptance lurking beneath the surface of her shows is painful to witness.

  42. KC03 says:

    Recipe for the tablescape:

    1 Liter of Vodka
    3 Vicodin tablets
    A sprinkle of LSD

    There you go. Happy Trippin!

  43. Coast0385 says:

    First of all :06 that look was hilarious. I think she’s laughing cause they are playing beer pong behind the scenes

  44. Mike says:

    I can’t wait to see her nephew ‘Bricer’ I am sure he’ll be coming out with his semi-homemade drag show any day now… of course designed by his favorite Aunt!

  45. Marsha says:

    You guys colored in all the pink and green *hit, right?

  46. Jules says:

    My boyfriend will eat just about anything. Anything at all. Cake with shrimp? Goes right in. Apple pie and clam chowder? Bring it on over. That broccoli thing? Just seeing it on TV made him almost vomit. Good thing I know my guy has some sort of standard and if that limit is Sandra Lee? Well, it’ll be okay.

  47. Darryn says:

    Jesus H. Christ, Sandra. You make me want to pee myself.

  48. Spatuler says:

    Wow. That broccoli pie, wait…I’m sorry..I’m seeing double. My eyes haven’t yet adjusted from the neon pink & green monstrosity. Give me a minute….it doesn’t help that pink (red) and neon green (green) are opposite on the color wheel. I don’t think my optic nerves will ever be the same again….

    • Spatuler says:

      Just caught myself. Red is a primary color and green is a secondary color, and red-orange a triadic color and so on and so forth. But, typically the red/green relationship is contradictory. For instance, if you mix equal parts of them properly you will get gray. All I know is that color combination fucks with my eyes. There, I said it.

  49. Shannihilator says:

    I’m surprised there was no mention of the Health and Fitness columnist they brought in while Sandra was making that horrific broccoli pie. Her asinine “healthy” inputs were making my head hurt.

  50. Beckishes says:

    That “pie” is an unforgivable bastardization of perfectly good broccoli…it makes me sad :(

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