Sandra Lee »
OMG! OMG! OMG! The long-awaited Halloween episode of Semi-Homemade aired today, and it was every bit as craptastic as we dreamed it would be. The episode had a loser-y Renaissance theme (which isn’t nearly as interesting as a celebrity theme, but whatever) and Sandra dressed up as a bunch of people we were forced to read about in 7th grade Social Studies. Fun!
The food Sandra prepared looked truly scary, and each outfit she donned was tackier than the last. First, she dressed up as Maid Marian, Robin Hood’s baby mama back in the 16th century. They filmed the segment in the middle of the woods, which made it feel sort of authentic. To keep it period-specific, Sandra incorporated all of Maid Marian’s favorites: APPLEWOOD RUB, PRE-CHOPPED GARLIC, “YE-OLDE COOLERS”, and ZIPLOC BAGS.
Next, Sandy dressed up as Robin Hood and cooked some “steak on a stick” dish. The segment was pretty boring, except for the part where she handled raw meat and then “washed” her hands in a bowl of water. Then, she reminded us to be careful, because “the grill is hot.” Yeah. You could tell Aunt Sandy just wanted to say screw it and start making some cocktails instead:
In the next segment, shit really started to get weird. Sandra dressed up as the “queen of the fairies” and kicked things off by reciting the most ridiculous lines I’ve ever heard IN MY LIFE. “I possess the fantastical and fanciful powers over every magical being,” she said. “My job is to protect them, and while my folly of ferries frolic with the fireflies over the frond in the dusky twilight sets in on everything, it’s my job to create a harmonious combination of sweet treats and delightful drinks.” Umm, yeah. Sounds like someone escaped the asylum on a day pass.
For dessert, she bought a frozen cheesecake (at the “fairy grocery store”), cut it up, and stuck huge FEATHERS in each piece. She then sprinkled edible glitter on each slice and called it a day. I’m not sure how that qualifies as 30% homemade, but whatever. Sandra Lee doesn’t care about math so why should we!
Next up, she made a “queen fairy cocktail” with huge plastic glasses she got… yep, you guessed it… at the fairy craft store. She used almost an entire bottle of cream, vanilla vodka, and white chocolate liqueur on TWO cocktails… and then garnished the drinks with huge, hideous fake feathers. I guess nothing says “happy Halloween” like choking on plumage!
Oh, and also, her breasts looked like duckpin bowling balls.
Finally, she dressed up as a Cher fortune teller, whatever the hell that is. She made a “crystal ball martini” with a ball of ice, and closed the show with a tablescape that Food Network will probably value at $58,000 for the upcoming auction.
And that brought this season’s disappointing Halloween episode of Semi-Homemade to an end. What did you think of the show, FNH? Would you rather have seen her dress up as celebrities like she’s done in the past?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Details About Sandra Lee’s 2010 Halloween Show
---Sandra Lee’s Halloween Costumes
---5 People Sandra Lee SHOULD Have Dressed Up As For Halloween
---Sandra Lee’s Halloween Costumes: A Photo Journey
---FNH RECAP: Sandra Lee’s 2011 Halloween Show
- Sandra Lee