Looking to make something tasty tonight? Try this totally fake Ina Garten recipe, written and contributed by FNH reader Eric J. Salonis!

INA GARTEN’S SUMMER SQUASH SOUP IMBUED WITH UNICORN MAGIC:

• 2 Tbsp. GOOD Olive Oil
• 2 finely chopped shallots, grown in the lush valleys of the East
• 5 lbs of white truffles, more for garnishing
• 3 lbs variety summer squashes, locally grown and blessed by a one-eyed drunken priest, preferably drunk off a fine, aged Cognac, but if not, brandy works too
• Sprigs of fresh thyme from my garden (please call ahead of time because I do fire upon trespassers)
• 2 quarts chicken stock, preferably homemade (preferably made in my home, by me, but if you can’t get me to agree to help you, store-bought chicken stock might work, I guess)
• Fleur de Sel (a briny Sea salt imported from…you know what, nevermind, just get table salt, why continue to complicate things for you?)
• Fresh ground black pepper (even you can’t screw up this one…….you’re using pre-ground pepper, aren’t you?…sigh…)
• 1 unicorn horn (I like to get mine from this lovely little Sylvan glade just beyond the crystal clear streams that run past our backyard……You don’t live near a Sylvan glade…do you?  Disappointing.)

In a large diamond/titanium stockpot, cook shallots in oil over medium heat until they’re supposed to be nice and tender, but you’ve burned them because you’re using bad olive oil and have to just press onward, hoping for the best.  Sort through the 5 lbs of truffles picking out only the best few to grate into the pot with the shallots.  (I like to use the rest to set out in random bowls around the house, for guests to see.)

Meanwhile, half your squashes lengthwise.  Take out the seeds by threatening them with your presence.  If you’re like me (here’s to hoping, right?), the seeds will recognize the innate powers of flavor as your birthright, and their bitterness will put them to shame, at which point the seeds will just be gone, as if they never existed in the first place.  (How easy is that?)  Otherwise, use a spoon and have fun during that extra hour (extra crispy shallots, too, since you forgot to turn off the heat during that hour!).  Once the seeds are cut, slice the halved squashes into bite-sized pieces.  Toss them into the stockpot and let them cook for a few minutes until the blessing from the drunken Priest allows them to be perfectly, evenly slightly golden-brown.  Add your fresh thyme and your chicken stock, bring to a boil, and lower the heat, allowing to just simmer (if you can maintain such a thing) for 30 minutes.

Season with fleur de…sigh…with salt and pepper.  Stir exactly 25 times with unicorn horn.  Service in hand-crafted gold-plated bowls garnished with extra truffles and joyful, patronizing laughter.  Afterwards, use the unicorn horn to slaughter guests, offering them as a sacrifice to Dark Gods of Flavor.  Drink of their blood, wash it down with a fine Cognac , and relax by the fireplace with a healthy sense of immortality.

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